VALUE_MEAL

DIRECTOR: Alright, everyone are we ready? Great shoot so far, everyone! People are really going to love this new Value Meal commercial. Alright ready lights… ready camera…and–

[cell phone rings]

Ahh, dammit! I have to get this. Everybody take five, alright? [crew disperses]

FRIES

FRENCH FRIES: [To Hamburger] So what are you doing this weekend?

HAMBURGER

HAMBURGER: Oh, I don’t know, man. Maybe just relax, spend some time with my kids. You know, no big thing. What about you?

FRENCH FRIES: Actually,one of the guys on the crew gave me tickets to the Chargers game this Sunday. It’s a bit of a drive to get down there, but it should be a great game. They’re playing the Raiders. It’s gonna be awesome.

HAMBURGER: Nah, man I can’t do that.

FRENCH FRIES: What do you mean? Sure you can! You can do it.

HAMBURGER: Oh, great. Yeah. That’s it. Just walk right up to the front gate of the stadium like some ordinary asshole du jour, eh? Just mosey on up with my ticket in tow, huh? Those sons of bitches wouldn’t let me in on their best day. You know why?

FRENCH FRIES: Why?

HAMBURGER: Because I’m a fucking hamburger, asshole! You don’t know what it’s like for our kind! You’re just a goddamn fry! Fries are always made fresh! Fries are always piping hot! Not us, you skinny French fuck. My brothers will wait in that warmer for DAYS before somebody deems them worthy. DAYS, you frivolous peasant! DAYS!

FRENCH FRIES: Frivolous peasant?

HAMBURGER: Oh, you think you know what’s best for everyone? You think you know what’s best for the Coca-Cola? What do you know about Coca-Cola, you baguette-bangin’ bitch!

SODA

COKE: Hey, leave me out of this.

HAMBURGER: You think you know what’s best for sweet tea? Sweet tea is sold by the GALLON, Pierre! WHO THE FUCK EVER SOLD YOU BY THE GALLON?

FRENCH FRIES: Look, I’m sorry, man. I…I didn’t–

HAMBURGER: Didn’t what? Didn’t get your bicycle-riding ass out of the Louvre long enough to realize THE PLIGHT OF THE ALL-BEEF PATTY? You’ll never understand what it’s like! You know why?

FRENCH FRIES: Because you’re a–

HAMBURGER: BECAUSE I’M A FUCKING HAMBURGER! STUFF THAT IN YOUR CREPE, GARCON!

FRENCH FRIES: get it, alright. You’re making French cracks because I’m a–

HAMBURGER: YOU DON’T GET A GOT-DAMN THING! YOUR TIGHT GOLDEN BROWN ASS SITS IN THAT FRYER ALL DAY! YOU DON’T GET SHIT! AIN’T NOBODY SQUIRTIN’ KETCHUP ON YO’ ASS. ANY NOBODY HITTIN’ YOUR CHAMPS-ELYSSES ASS WITH THAT SPECIAL SAUCE, ! You get a little of that bitch-ass salt and that’s it! You don’t know what it’s like on the GRILL, nigga! You know why?

FRENCH FRIES:

HAMBURGER: I said YOU KNOW WHY, CHARLES DE GUALLE?

FRENCH FRIES: …I give up.

HAMBURGER: BECAUSE I’M A FUCKING hamburger! And yo’ crunchy ass better recognize!

FRENCH FRIES: Sure, bro. Whatever.

DIRECTOR: [comes back in] Alright, everyone! Let’s knock this last shot out and we can all go home!

FRENCH FRIES: Uh…I’m gonna need a minute [walks off]

GAFFER ON CREW: Hey, where are the fries going?

DIRECTOR: [to Hamburger] Jeez, he’s a bit of a prima donna, isn’t he?

HAMBURGER: TELL ME THE FUCK ABOUT IT!