Off-Topic: Shooting The Value Menu
10.28.09
DIRECTOR: Alright, everyone are we ready? Great shoot so far, everyone! People are really going to love this new Value Meal commercial. Alright ready lights… ready camera…and–
[cell phone rings]
Ahh, dammit! I have to get this. Everybody take five, alright? [crew disperses]
FRENCH FRIES: [To Hamburger] So what are you doing this weekend?
HAMBURGER: Oh, I don’t know, man. Maybe just relax, spend some time with my kids. You know, no big thing. What about you?
FRENCH FRIES: Actually,one of the guys on the crew gave me tickets to the Chargers game this Sunday. It’s a bit of a drive to get down there, but it should be a great game. They’re playing the Raiders. It’s gonna be awesome.
HAMBURGER: Nah, man I can’t do that.
FRENCH FRIES: What do you mean? Sure you can! You can do it.
HAMBURGER: Oh, great. Yeah. That’s it. Just walk right up to the front gate of the stadium like some ordinary asshole du jour, eh? Just mosey on up with my ticket in tow, huh? Those sons of bitches wouldn’t let me in on their best day. You know why?
FRENCH FRIES: Why?
HAMBURGER: Because I’m a fucking hamburger, asshole! You don’t know what it’s like for our kind! You’re just a goddamn fry! Fries are always made fresh! Fries are always piping hot! Not us, you skinny French fuck. My brothers will wait in that warmer for DAYS before somebody deems them worthy. DAYS, you frivolous peasant! DAYS!
FRENCH FRIES: Frivolous peasant?
HAMBURGER: Oh, you think you know what’s best for everyone? You think you know what’s best for the Coca-Cola? What do you know about Coca-Cola, you baguette-bangin’ bitch!
COKE: Hey, leave me out of this.
HAMBURGER: You think you know what’s best for sweet tea? Sweet tea is sold by the GALLON, Pierre! WHO THE FUCK EVER SOLD YOU BY THE GALLON?
FRENCH FRIES: Look, I’m sorry, man. I…I didn’t–
HAMBURGER: Didn’t what? Didn’t get your bicycle-riding ass out of the Louvre long enough to realize THE PLIGHT OF THE ALL-BEEF PATTY? You’ll never understand what it’s like! You know why?
FRENCH FRIES: Because you’re a–
HAMBURGER: BECAUSE I’M A FUCKING HAMBURGER! STUFF THAT IN YOUR CREPE, GARCON!
FRENCH FRIES: get it, alright. You’re making French cracks because I’m a–
HAMBURGER: YOU DON’T GET A GOT-DAMN THING! YOUR TIGHT GOLDEN BROWN ASS SITS IN THAT FRYER ALL DAY! YOU DON’T GET SHIT! AIN’T NOBODY SQUIRTIN’ KETCHUP ON YO’ ASS. ANY NOBODY HITTIN’ YOUR CHAMPS-ELYSSES ASS WITH THAT SPECIAL SAUCE, ! You get a little of that bitch-ass salt and that’s it! You don’t know what it’s like on the GRILL, nigga! You know why?
FRENCH FRIES: …
HAMBURGER: I said YOU KNOW WHY, CHARLES DE GUALLE?
FRENCH FRIES: …I give up.
HAMBURGER: BECAUSE I’M A FUCKING hamburger! And yo’ crunchy ass better recognize!
FRENCH FRIES: Sure, bro. Whatever.
DIRECTOR: [comes back in] Alright, everyone! Let’s knock this last shot out and we can all go home!
FRENCH FRIES: Uh…I’m gonna need a minute [walks off]
GAFFER ON CREW: Hey, where are the fries going?
DIRECTOR: [to Hamburger] Jeez, he’s a bit of a prima donna, isn’t he?
HAMBURGER: TELL ME THE FUCK ABOUT IT!
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Jack in the Crack cheezeborgerz is killer at 2am after a night of partying.
Jack in the Crack is good at all hours of the day.
rabblerabblerabble
(am I fitting in now?)
As someone that enjoys McDonald’s (yes, I have low standards), this was quite humorous.
This site gets shittier by the day.
@claude balls
Go to Arby’s. They serve their normal food during breakfast hours. Same with Sonic.
@akbroncosfan every time that commercial comes on I’m usually in the middle of something else because it’s a commercial break… But I hear that voice and I look up expecting a bimbo and I get a talking pothole. I still smile at her. So no, you’re not alone.
McDonalds has bought KSK? Either way I could go for a fucking burger right now.
OUCH! I feel bad for what I thought was a harmless comment, now I’m being called a clod.
Off-topic usually has some football related material unless we are drafting in the off-season.
It was tongue in cheek– I thought that some of lines were a throw back to the L.J. tweets or something.
//felt like douche bag for innocent comment
//cries in corner
//faps anyway
Am I the only one who’s attracted to that talking pothole on that commercial?
/don’t worry, no one reads this far down in the comments anyway.
I will never come to this free internet site again after this post insulted my intelligence so profoundly that I immediately wrote about it in my diary which is locked securely in my hope chest. Good day, sirs. Good day.
Those fuckers never argue in March when the green Shamrock Shake is in town. That drunken Fenian bastard keeps everyone in line.
@Reggie Bush’s Pimp: well, that and Chick-Fil-A, the Platonic ideal of the chicken sammich and a perfect force for good in the world.
@mouthbreathing fucktard:
You take this shit seriously.
Wow.
/sorry your daddy didn’t love you enough for you to learn how to take a joke.
@your name still sucks
keep playing hard where only the biggest, baddest, sementhirsty boys play: on internet comment boards. the south has its pitfalls, but wherever you’re commenting from has to be worse. you… are… a… superdouche.
/doesn’t live in south
@ Lost in the Office
The accents can be irritating but accents from the north and midwest are equally awful, like Boston for instance
@Mini-me’s taint waxer:
Go back to finger bangin your sister and let the big boys play.
We were giving specific instructions.
If you want sexy friday back all gloves are off.
I just like how the Coke wants to be left out of it…even if he is a syrupy, over caffeinated motherfucka. Kinda like the gheys in that way I guess.
@nathan: there’s nothing to see here. I hear Bill Simmons has a few fresh jokes over at BSPN though.
None of those value-meal-ass bitches can hold a candle to the McGriddle!! Bacon-topped, syrup-infused delight…. even the wrapper smells like syrup…. it probably tastes like syrup…
/digs wrapper out of trash
McD’s sweet tea is like tea-flavored honey reduced to a watery consistency. In other words, disgusting. To make it semi-palatable, you have to mix it with 2 parts plain tea, and it still sucks,
Wendy’s sweet tea is surprisingly ok. Still doesn’t compare to a mom n pop place that does it right.
Also, fried apple pies can still be found at McD’s, but only in Wal-Mart and airport locations.
/porkquistador
@your name sucks
take a big step back… and literally fuck your own face. pick any five of the hundreds of reasons you’ve given yourself for doing it.
McD’s sweet tea – NOT real iced tea.
Oh and the South has given the world some other great things:
- sundresses
- BBQ
- moonshine
- a chance to feel superior to someone
@ortons drinking buddy
HA! Are you trying to say schools like Northwestern and Michigan don’t have hot girls?!? That’s a jo….actually ok you got one there. But the South has all those irritating accents.
Huh, I never stopped to consider that burgers might be black.
The McRib, of course, but the burger?
@You had me at blood and semen:
College football in the south is pretty awful, I mean who would want to drink all day with thousands of hot girls in sun dresses and watch some of the best football in the country, what a bunch of losers
Is it off-season already?
/doesn’t get it
@You had me at Blood and Semen:
“… You sent your blacks north …”
Still plenty where those came from!
I always figured McDonald’s emaciated “beef” patties were disgruntled and ornery. You write this from the perspective of a beef patty from Culver’s, In n’ Out, or Burgerville, and it would probably be a far more pleasant post. McD’s fries probably are prima donnas: injected with enhancements, overhyped, and while great right away, they only disappoint over time. Kind of like that big titted blonde waitress in LA who is waiting to be discovered–a real fucking head case.
@ nathan – fix yo puntuayshuns, necka.
i just remember LMAO at some of the stuff last year like the chad and marvin lewis stuff, the cutler fucker stuff with rivers and the hines ward and big ben stuff this year its all peter king and just not that funny.
@You had me at Blood and Semen:
new slogan: the South – holding us back since 1776.
Bra-fucking-vo!
“Clinical studies have proven that people who don’t like sweet tea are 72% more likely to rape a cat.”
What, you mean Saints punter Thomas Morstead doesn’t like sweet tea?
/ Seriously, that’s a joke we Saints fan had a about Morstead raping cats based on his SMU school picture.
@jizzthrasher: You guys can’t be too dumb. I don’t think the south could have done better for itself if they had won in 65. You sent your blacks north, passed off that swill called sweet tea and deep fried food as “culture”, and somehow convinced the country that college football is a religion. We should pulled a Sherman from the Potomac to the Rio Grande and started the fuck over.
new slogan: the South – holding us back since 1776.
Fuck i’m getting hungry. And I had McD’s for breakfast. Sausage mcmuffin with egg is PURE HEAVEN.
@Nathan –
-1 reader to the site. watch the revenue fall…ahhhhhhhhhhh.
If you want something that is the same as it was last year. Check out PK. Now with Twitter!!!
Clinical studies have proven that people who don’t like sweet tea are 72% more likely to rape a cat.
@Fearthebuzzsaw: looking for my little red book.
Also, sweet tea is fucking awesome.
/is from Tennessee
//is not dumb
The McChicken was seen in the background doing absolutely nothing.
@You had me at Blood and Semen:
Oh, a joke about how southerners are dumb and drink sweet tea! That’s fresh, man. Fresh, new, relevant humor.
come on guys this is horrible its not funny at all you need to do a skit with rivers and tiny darren or how about rivers and al davis. You guys just are not the same this year come on pick up your game. Last season you guys were halarious this season its not even worth coming to the site. Your hits can’t be up from last year
Sweet tea (when done properly) is like the nectar of the gods, and the only thing good I learned from going to a college in Texas
Anyone who doesn’t like sweet tea is a fucking communist.
not=now*
McDonalds for lunch is not unavoidable for me.
/audibles from Sonic plans
What does the hamburger think of the chicken sandwich? hahaha
I’ll have a large McMalcolm-X meal please
@You Had Me at Your Overly Long Screen Name:
Actually, Sweet Tea has less sugar than Coke
@Upstate Underdog: Sweet tea = diabetes in a cup. Get a look at your toes now before they’re amputated.
So…King Hamburger the Laserfaced?
“And yo’ crunchy ass better recognize” – I thought that was gonna be the lead in for LaserFace. I had never noticed the float pass before until I saw the Bronco game…he threw a ten yard pass that took 30 seconds to get there!
sweet tea is the only thing worth ordering at McD’s
SweetTeaFlaWa!
Bravo Punte. I didn’t know you couldn’t not work blue.
/also “heard” Jules & Vince as the voices.
@kwanzaagecko. wow. hilarious.
/sighs.
Sweet tea by the gallon does explain the prevalence of “summer” teeth down there in our country’s taint.
while we’re here, can we just kill anyone who orders a salad at mcdonalds?
Piffle to you Philistines, sweet tea is the nectar of the gods.
Since this an off topic column I am going to make my comment off topic…
That was hilarious!!!
\CC dont get mad at me
Seriously why do those slack jawed yokels even bother putting the word “tea” in the name of the beverage. Sir, here’s your vat of brown colored sugar water! The other important question is: If they are basically mainlining sugar, why do our southern brethren talk, think and move so slow? Seriously, they make Puerto Ricans look industrious.
Ronald McDonald was off drinking with Punte while this was going on.
Im pretty sure that hamburger is larry johnson.
“Im cakn patna”
Fix yo … fast food?
Seriously though, sweet tea scares the shit out of me–esp. now that it seems to have made its way to midwestern McDonalds. I had a run-in with a cup of the stuff in Florida once, and it took a good twenty minutes before I figured out it smelled and tasted exactly like Frosted Flakes. Nasty.
Oh, and /McRib joke.
I thought for sure that Mark Sanchez’s sideline hot dog was going to make an appearance. Or that Wade Phillips was going to come in at the end and eat everyone up.
The funniest part is when French Fries said that the Chargers/Raiders game was going to be awesome because, you know… its not.
There’s a burger stand about 30 minutes from my house that sells the classic “fried apple pie” ala old school McD’s. Fuck. And yes.
Club Sandwiches are all high and mighty with their pompous toothpicks. They don’t know about the burger’s struggle.
Yeah. Fuck the Chargers. They suck.
Yes, I said a Quarterpounder and large fries.
Yes, I know it’s only 9:55 AM, but I have a craving for a burger and fries.
No bitch, I don’t want a fucking Egg McMuffin and hash browns instead! And I don’t want to wait until 10:30. I want a Goddamned Quarterpounder and some motherfucking french fries and I want them now!!!
– That’s when they tased me.
All joking aside, fuck those smug-ass french fries.
Yeah, I was sure a door was oing to fly open and Marmalard was going to make an appearance.
I’m disappointed and I’d like a refund. What? this is free? OK.
If I find out HAMBURGER is the one banished FRIED APPLE PIE during some jealous rage, he’s gonna get capped in his soggy ketchup ass.
respect the hamburger.
Heyyy…something that I enjoy for free on a near daily basis is slightly askance from my expectations! Needless to say, I will be registering my disgust within MINUTES!!
“You don’t know what it’s like on the GRILL, nigga!”
Now I’m going to have to go get McD’s for lunch, if only to make sure the burger KNOWS ITS PLACE.
Maybe KSKers are more the “mayo on fries” kind of people. You know, like John Joseph Harrington.