Hi, it’s Jimmy Football here!

Nobody likes being stuck watching the ugly shit the Browns and the Bills call football. 6-3? What is that? That’s awful!

[Shot of audience members wincing]

So what if we all just did drugs instead?

[Audience looks intrigued]

Introducing the Bud Light Attack Pipe! It’s a crack pipe! In team colors! The police won’t suspect a thing!

Generic Fans in Parking Lot: We’re totally strung out and everybody’s cool with it! I don’t even care that this game blows!

STA-STAMP! Tailgate approved!

Say! You know what’s worse than having John Fox as your coach?

[Audience looks puzzled]

Having Jim Zorn as your coach!

[Audience erupts in laughter]

That’s why our team of scientists developed this – introducing the Bud Light Sherman Lewis!

[Audience stares in disbelief]

It doesn’t solve anything!

STA-STAMP! Tailgate approved!

Hey! Nobody likes having to listen to Boston fans get all melodramatic after one loss! What a bunch of crybabies!

[Audience looks exhausted]

Well, worry no longer. Introducing the Bud Light Bitchblade. It’s a switchblade you use on those Boston bitches.

[Shot of someone gleefully stabbing a person in a Red Sox hat]

One simple motion does all the work!

STAB! WHOOOOOAAAAA! Tailgate approved!

You know what really steams me sometimes?

[Audience puzzled again]

When people complain about the quality of the advertisements during football games.

[Audience nods knowingly]

Jimmy Football’s just trying to earn a living. We all can’t have jobs where we’re charmingly wry and funny. Sometimes we just have to get the goddamn message across and move some product. It’s called hustling. Sor-fucking-ry if this sponsor, who by the way is responsible for bringing you free football on TV, can’t make an entertaining ad. So we came up with this. Introducing the Bud Light TV Couch. You sit on it real nice and you shut your fucking yap while Jimmy is trying to make a sale.

Audience: TAILGATE TESTED!

Jimmy: Tailgate Approved!

DUH-NUH-DUH-NUHHHH DUH-NUH-DA!-DA!