JaMarcus Russell is Too Lazy For Clever Headlines
JaMarcus Russell: Thanks for bringing me out, cart guy.
Cart driver: It’s my job, JaMarcus.
JaMarcus Russell: Could you bring me over to the part of the sideline where the coach ain’t at? He gonna be all up on my ass for missing practice Tuesday. Then again Wednesday. I got my sleep on all day Thursday, so I don’t know whether we had practice. Fridays are for Chinese buffet, so it don’t matter to me whether there was practice or not.
Cart driver: Okay.
JaMarcus Russell: One more thing: when we get the ball and you driving me to the huddle, can you honk the horn once or twice? I think it fires the team up.
Cart driver: Will do.
JaMarcus Russell: Aw shhh – you know what? I gotta piss, dude. Take me back to the locker room.
Cart driver: Can’t. Game’s about to start.
JaMarcus Russell: Pffff, all right, fine. I’ll just do it the pants. These are kinda thick anyway.
[Later]
Elvis Dumervil: YO! WAKE UP! I AIN’T WAVIN’ AT YOU, YOU FAT BITCH! I’M TRYING TO HELP YOU UP!
JaMarcus Russell: Nah, that’s all right. I’m cool. Say, when you walking back over to your huddle, can you tell the center to just drop the ball on my chest? I’ll throw it from down here.
Elvis Dumervil: Man, I ain’t telling him nothing. About to sack your ass again.
JaMarcus Russell: Dick.
[Later]
JaMarcus Russell: Yo, Bruce Gradkowski – how you deal with this blinking thing?
Bruce Gradkowski: What do you mean?
JaMarcus Russell: It takes so much out of me.
Bruce Gradkowski: Blinking? Isn’t that usually an involuntary motion your body does for you?
JaMarcus Russell: Not me, man. I feel it. I feel it all the time. Wears me down like I can’t even tell you. Like, I wish we had eyebrow robots that would push them joints down for you, then back up, automatic-like. But we don’t. Science sucks. You know what? I don’t even need to do it. Eff blinking. What’s the benefit? Total waste, you ask me.
[JaMarcus' eyes fill up with dust]
JaMarcus Russell: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY EYES!
Bruce Gradkowski: I’ll call the cart guy over.
Tags: JaMarcus HUSTLE, not too lazy to abruptly switch between home and away uniforms during the game, oakland raiders, xmas ape
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October 7th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
This is the kind of shit that made Al Daivs kill himself in 2001. What’s that? THE HELL YOU SAY!
October 7th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
I just hope he doesn’t learn what an iron lung is.
“And here’s me using my own lungs like an idiot.”
October 7th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
No “bad MS Paint” tag?
October 7th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Only QB I ever saw use the oxygen tank after a 3 and out.
October 7th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
I love it. Especially the picture where it looks like he shit his pants.
October 7th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
I eagerly await the arrival of his stunt double, Heavy D.
October 7th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
He’s definitely a bottom.
October 7th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
A power bottom
October 7th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Elvis would have no chance of picking his fat ass up.
October 7th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Earl Camembert raises a good point, and so I think we’d better ensure he never sees a blind person with a seeing-eye dog. Or learns what a pacemaker is. Or receives a penis pump. JM HUSTLE clearly ain’t got no time for seeing, wanking or staying alive.
October 7th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
At what point does the NFL just repo the Raiders from Al Davis’s incompetent hands?
October 7th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
Worst number one pick QB of the last forty years.. and yes, that counts Ryan Leaf. Fat drunk and stupid is no way to go through life in the NFL son.
October 7th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Rush Limbaugh thinks you’re taking it easy on JaMarcus because he’s black.
October 7th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
I’ll just do it the pants. These are kinda thick anyway.
Mark Schlereth nods approvingly.
October 7th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
Watching JaMarcus Russell play makes me go to sleep. Much like when one person in a room yawns, everyone yawns.
/yawns
October 7th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
The fuck you mean bird shit just falls out without pushing?
October 7th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
Seriously, I’m ready to give Gradkowski a try at this point. Even if Bruce is the second worst QB in the league, it’s still an improvement over JaMucus. I think even Scott Bakula would be an upgrade at this point.
October 7th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
I hear Mojo the helper monkey is available.
October 7th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
@porky
You can have Seneca Wallace.
October 7th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
I’d take Jeff George over Jamarcus.
October 7th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
@PirateSloth:
I would take Seneca over JaMarcus in a heartbeat. At least one gets the feeling that Seneca has actually watched football games that weren’t immediately happening as he was on the field.
October 7th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
I hear Brad Johnson’s looking to make a comeback.
October 7th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
2009 Salaries (per Yahoo)
JaMarcus Hustle: $16,872,400
Javon’s Corpse: $12,000,960
Nnamdi: $9,765,000
October 7th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
That dust in chubby’s eyes kinda looks like pot.
October 7th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
I don’t think I’m crossing any lines by suggesting Jamarcus’s new name should be “Sleep N’ Eat.”
October 7th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
I think JaMarcus might actually make me cry during Sunday’s game against the Giants. I’ve moved beyond facepalms and screaming at the TV. I think now – I’ll just weep.
October 7th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
Does anyone know if Jamarcus is related to Ocho…
October 7th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
Wow porky making a bamboozled reference….
At least those guys looked lively.
October 7th, 2009 at 6:13 pm
I know the Sex Cannon is the media’s definition of “worst NFL QB of all time,” but how did he only get a gig as a 3rd string QB with the Texans, while Oakland settled for Russell and Gradkowski?
Fortunately, we are one Matt Schaub injury away from a Cumslinger renaissance…
October 7th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
“That dust in chubby’s eyes kinda looks like pot.”
The fuck kinda pot do you smoke?? I’ve got some used charcoal briquets, I mean “pot” that I can sell you.
October 7th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
@Smello: Calvin Johnson
/sorry, that was uncalled for
October 7th, 2009 at 11:18 pm
Dustball eyes are way freakier then teeth eyes…just saying
October 8th, 2009 at 1:37 am
That’s not dust; that’s eye crust left over from laser eye surgery that JaMarcus had at the mall. Now some bullies have tricked him into buying them some beer.
October 8th, 2009 at 11:44 am
is he kinda like Al Davis’ Sookie Stackhouse?
(yes I watch that show, shut up)
October 9th, 2009 at 4:12 am
@Mike D — (In Al Davis’ voice): SOOOOOOKIEE !!!
/Mike gets this joke
//Yes. I watch the show too… They’re Real and They’re Spectacular !!!
October 11th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
Jamarcus Russell is PATHETIC! Earring wearing (overpaid) metrosexual that consistently gets his AS! kicked on the MANS field of football while his WHIMP RAIDERS SUBMIT to DEFEAT!
October 25th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Overthrow Al Davis’…then kidnap Sanchez when the Jets show up, we could use him, he would fit right in, tons of potential….Give the Raiders to Cable-who will punch everyone in the head if they don’t perform…then hire back John Madden to coach…hes bored now.
November 19th, 2009 at 12:24 am
The Raiders have no class. Al Davis has no class.
They ruined Russell