IT’S MCNABB RULES FOOTBALL!
Hey, you! Tired of BORING, OLD SCHOOL NFL football? Sick of pointless and arbitrary roolz like touchdowns being worth only six points, and teams not getting their full complement of 37 timeouts per half? THEN GET READY TO JOIN THE MCNABB RULES REVOLUTION! With Eagles quarterback and former “Biggest Loser” champion Donovan McNabb! His new McNabb Rules Football spinoff game is the hottest new sports innovation since Slamball!
Donovan: I wanted to design a new school football game that would appeal to fans in today’s fast-paced world. I wanted a game that kept the spirit of original football, but one that was FAIRER. That’s why I developed these news rules for my McNabb Rules Football League, and I think you’ll agree that they represent a vast improvement over your traditional NFL product.
AND THEY ARE! CHECK OUT THESE JAMMIN’ NEW ROOLZ THAT MAKE OLD FOGY NFL FOOTBALL LOOK STUPID AND GAY!
OLD RULE: Bounces passes: ILLEGAL
MCNABB RULE: Bounces passes: LEGAL. Quarterback credited with assist.
Donovan Says: “In basketball, the point guard is applauded when he executes a crisp, fundamentally sound bounce pass. I don’t know why we can’t have the same rule in football. It seems like it would really work.”
OLD RULE: Only two challenges per game
MCNABB RULE: Unlimited challenges!
Donovan Says: “Coach Reid said he would challenge every play if he could. Even if it’s obvious on replay that the call was not in your favor, it’s still worth challenging the play on the off chance the officials decide to overturn it. You never know what they’ll see. Matt Millen agrees with me on this.”
OLD RULE: Ties!
MCNABB RULE: No ties! Overtime winner chosen based on dignity!
Donovan Says: “If you played a game to a virtual standstill, I think that the winner should be chosen by a blue ribbon panel of some of our greatest thinkers. I think showing dignity in the face of adversity, and withering and totally unjustified fan criticism, should be worth something. I try and keep an air of dignity and nobility out there on the field. I’m hoping one day it will land me a supporting role in a Clint Eastwood film of some sort.”
OLD RULE: Field goals worth three points
MCNABB RULE: TBD!
Donovan Says: “To be frank, I didn’t realize that field goals were worth that much. I thought you got an extra fifth down on the next series if you made one, which makes FAR more sense. Truth to tell, I’m not quite sure how to go about rectifying this one. I think Andy and I will have to get together and discuss this in further detail, preferably during the last four minutes of a game.”
OLD RULE: No rainbows on the field!
MCNABB RULE: DOUBLE RAINBOWS!
Donovan Says: “I just think people wouldn’t get as worked up over the game if they saw a nice double rainbow out there.”
OLD RULE: 25 yards passing, 10 yards rushing or receiving worth 0 points
MCNABB RULE: Worth 1 point!
Donovan Says: “That’s how it works in fantasy football. People really seem to enjoy fantasy football.”
OLD RULE: Wildcat formation: LEGAL
MCNABB RULE: Wildcat formation: ILLEGAL!
Donovan Says: “At first, I thought this might be fun to have around. I am no longer convinced.”
OLD RULE: Head Coach and QB blamed after a loss!
MCNABB RULE: PEOPLE, WE ARE FIGHTING TWO WARS!
Donovan Says: “People really need to take this all in perspective. Yes, we lost a football game. But darn it if we didn’t try. We really need to think about our priorities as a nation if we’re putting so much stock in the outcome of a football game. Our boys are fighting and dying overseas every day, and it’s really easy to overlook that and get all worked up over some football loss, which isn’t all that important in the grand scheme of things. That’s why I’d act to keep all footage of losing teams out of the highlight reels. McNabb Rules is all about positivity and having a good time.”
OLD RULE: Rules determined by Rules Committee!
MCNABB RULE: Rules determined by creative whim!
Donovan Says: “What do you mean, the ball has to break the plane of the goal line? Didn’t you see Westbrook stretch out his arms five minutes after he was brought down? THAT’S EFFORT.”
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, Donovan McNabb, god they're a weird team
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October 20th, 2009 at 10:06 am
Slamball was the tits, and is apparently still around.
I would also like to thank the Eagles for filling in for the Cowboys in making the NFC East look incompetent. Don’t worry you ice-ball throwing douchebags, we’ll be back at it this weekend!
October 20th, 2009 at 10:07 am
Uh-oh! Is enjoying this article TEH RACISMSMSS!!!???
October 20th, 2009 at 10:12 am
why on earth would it be racist eddie?
October 20th, 2009 at 10:13 am
Needs more barfing during the 2-minute drill.
/And you people wonder why Eagle fans are drunks
October 20th, 2009 at 10:17 am
As a Giants fan, I will always hate the Eagles. But they keep trying to draw me in with stuff like this. Don’t you ever change Donovan (well, more dry-heaving and choking, could you work on that?).
October 20th, 2009 at 10:37 am
What about unlimited TO’s….QB’s are god…they can call time outs even when they don’t have any left!!
October 20th, 2009 at 10:42 am
OLD RULE: Clock runs continuously, even inside two minutes.
McNABB RULE: With two minutes left in the game of less, the clock is turned off! This way I can take my time, as God and Coach Reid intended.
October 20th, 2009 at 11:04 am
My sister getting raped was funnier than this post.
October 20th, 2009 at 11:08 am
ill bet bigdickinson has a small penis
October 20th, 2009 at 11:13 am
It’s not easy rooting for the Eagles sometimes. But much like that family member who always shows up drunk at holiday parties, you’re always hoping they get their shit together and make something of themselves.
Oh and fuck Dallas, THANK YOU New Orleans, and yes the Eagles will probably lose to Washington Monday night.
October 20th, 2009 at 11:16 am
Drew is now ineligible to be part of the consortium buying the Rams.
October 20th, 2009 at 11:20 am
OLD RULE: At various points during a game, the quarterback may receive the snap, take several steps backwards, then tuck the ball into the midsection of an oncoming running back, who secures said ball before endeavoring to advance it down the field of play. This maneuver is known as a “hand-off.” Some teams have been known to employ this daring and innovative offensive gambit twenty or even twenty-five times per game.
MCNABB RULE: Fuck that. Let’s chuck it down the field.
Actually, maybe this one might be more of the Andy Reid rules…
October 20th, 2009 at 11:20 am
Ocho:
Just joking. But I agree with
EroticTangerines Says:
October 20th, 2009 at 11:16 am
Drew is now ineligible to be part of the consortium buying the Rams.
How long before Wilbon demands that Drew be banned from the innternet?
October 20th, 2009 at 11:21 am
I live with an Eagles fan…it was like alternate universe around our house this weekend. Coach Screamy McScreamerson rallied my Chefs, and my boy is still muttering something about Al Davis Evil Empire.
October 20th, 2009 at 11:29 am
Sure, Reid seems to have forgotten there are two ways to advance the ball, but he’s still better than Phillips who seems like every game is his first. I never know if Wade wants to eat the football, fuck it or denounce it as a witch.
October 20th, 2009 at 11:29 am
since 1999 donovan mcnabb has never ceased to amaze me, wether it be good or bad.
/mostly bad
//cries into cheesesteak
October 20th, 2009 at 11:35 am
Coach Reid said he would challenge every play if he could.
Lovie Smith approves.
October 20th, 2009 at 11:40 am
If bounce pass are worth points, then give me Paulus!!
October 20th, 2009 at 11:47 am
So Donovan enjoys Calvinball?
October 20th, 2009 at 11:54 am
Rush Limbaugh wants to know how many touchdowns did the black quarterbacks (and Todd Collins!) of the NFC East score against the dregs of the AFC West Sunday. That’s what Rush thought.
October 20th, 2009 at 11:56 am
Marmalard fully approves of rainbows being added to the rulebooks, given that his floats are often in the shape of a rainbow.
October 20th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
@ Ghosts
I suppose he’d have to use Macklin as his tiger, but we could be on to something.
October 20th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
@ Big
Marmalard can’t help it…its his limp wrists.
October 20th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Slamball was the fucking shit.
and fuck you very much McNabb for fucking over my week.
Fuck McNabb! COCK!
October 20th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
OLD RULE: Ball has to break the plane of the goal line.
OCHO RULE: I don’t see no damn plane. Let’s put a plane on there. Or maybe a CarBoat.
October 20th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
OLD RULE: Quarterbacks could be tackled if carrying the ball.
NEW RULE: Quarterbacks now asked politely to stop running/moving, and no contact allowed to head, ribs, stomach, knees, shoulders, arms, feet, back and anything else the QB decides at that moment.
October 20th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
@grungedave: Great rule. Lofty rule.
October 20th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
I’m gonna go on record here and say that the NFC East going 0-3, when coupled with the fact that the Iggles lost to THE GODDAMNED RAIDERS (!!!!!!!!!) is the same thing as the Cowboys winning a Playoff game.
Wade Phillips, your job is safe.
/Cowboys lose to Raiders, go 7-9
//Emmitt Smiff was right
///buries belongings, kills self and closest friends
October 20th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
OLD RULE: Roses smell like flowers.
NEW RULE: Roses smell like boo-boo.
/gonna call McNabb “Coffee Black” for now on
//it’s not racist if he really, really looks like Andre Benjamin in that photo
October 20th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Dick, the thing that makes your sister getting raped funny is that it was really your mom.
And it was me what raped her.
And she dug it.
Oh yea.
October 20th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
I think Andy and I will have to get together and discuss this in further detail, preferably during the last four minutes of a game.
I lol’d
October 20th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
> McNABB RULE: With two minutes left in the game of less, the clock is turned off! This way I can take my time, as God and Coach Reid intended.
Chad Pennington approves
October 20th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
@Rob_in_WI: I believe that’s a Grossman Rule. Or was, until replaced with “Fuck it, I’m going… to keep sitting here on this sideline.
October 20th, 2009 at 8:15 pm
raiders has less to do with mcnabb and more to do with jason peters deciding to bitch out.
October 20th, 2009 at 8:40 pm
FUCK! I really should know better than to pick the Eagles in a suicide pool.
/Dignity-puking in SB 39 joke
October 20th, 2009 at 9:14 pm
OLD RULE: Ball has to break the plane of the goal line.
NEW RULE: Everyone gets Steelers officiating! YAY DENVER!!
October 20th, 2009 at 9:56 pm
This would be funny if I wasn’t convinced that McNabb really thought like that.
*goes back and watches J-Roll win the game for us last night again to get the taste of this putrid football team out of mind*
October 20th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
@Chamomiles Davis
You read the Anthony Gargano book too, didn’t you?
October 21st, 2009 at 8:40 am
I will take take this petition under consideration
October 21st, 2009 at 10:54 am
When this QB get’s pressured it’s always something, he did this last year also, 11yrs and still can’t handle pressure. But in philly anything goes which is why they won’t win a superbowl….
October 21st, 2009 at 11:22 am
needs more McNabb dancing .gifs
October 21st, 2009 at 1:40 pm
ProTip: McNabb’s IQ is about 85. That’s why he can’t win the big game.
Inb4 BAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW