‘Hey Baby, I’m Bengals Kicker Shayne Graham. Are You Willing To Sign A Prenup?’
It’s Your 4 PM Open Thread.
Hey, babe. We’ve been together for quite some time, now. Sure, three months may not seem that long to a lot of people, but I think it’s great. Come on inside. Sit down for a second. I have to ask you something.
Baby, would you be willing to sign a prenup?
NO NO NO, that wasn’t a proposal! Baby, I just wanted to know that if we ever got to that point where we’d be able to–Baby, what ring?! I don’t have a ring. No, I just wanted to know if that was something you’d consider. After all, you never gave my wanting anal or that gang-bang with Jordan Palmer a second thought.
Baby, where ya going? Come back! All I’m talking about is a previously negotiated division of property in the instance of dissolution! Any maybe some more anal! Baby, please!
Oh, you wanted a preview of the actual games? Sheesh. Alright…
Buffalo @ Carolina. Pop Warner offense meets “Pop Goes The Rotator Cuff” offense. Seriously, the Bills have been shitty for quite some time, but what the balls has happened to Jake Delhomme? Ever since he threw 19 interceptions against the Cardinals, he’s been more erratic than corn futures. Does the mob have naked pictures of your wife, Jake? It’s okay, you can tell us…
Jets @ Oakland. I actually am starting JaMaRCuS Russell in one of my seven fantasy leagues this week. I’m not bragging about it. It’s in an 18-team league where my only other viable options are Brady Quinn and Garo Yepremian. But even Russell hasn’t been handing out the ball like Mark Sanchez has been (5 picks against the Bills last week. The fuckin’ Bills, man! And seriously, if you’re one of the seven people still calling him “Dirty” Sanchez, just stop right now. That shit was never half as witty as you thought it was.
Chicago @ Cincinnati. The Bengals are 4-2 and have a chance to reclaim the division lead if they can get past the stoic Cutler and the Bears. I like to think of Cutler as a tall tree on a beach, and the surf is coming in and waves are crashing down on the beach and the tree is just standing there, and he’s thinking, “I don’t give a fuck, I’m a tree.” That’s Cutler to me.
Atlanta @ Dallas. Marion Barber is probable (thigh) so he’ll probably run for 130 yards and 2 TDs. Seriously, this guy would be a lock for the Hall-of-Fame if he could just stretch his career to ten years. But the way he plays, I don’t see it happening. He’ll just be another Eddie George.
New Orleans @ Miami. That’s a Super Bowl preview right there. The Super Bowl’s in Miami, right? Oh, haha, wait you thought…the Dolphins…oh, man, that’s good shit.
Enjoy the 4 pm games. Or don’t. Like I give a fuck.
Tags: MMP, open threads
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October 25th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
Excellent. Bears on one TV Nascar on the other.
October 25th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
Thom Brennaman looks like a troll.
October 25th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
I hope the Bears/Bengals end in a tie.
October 25th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
And the guys i’m playing in fantasy started crotchery.
FUCK YOU BENSON
October 25th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
You’re swimming in a sea of free labor in Miami and you can’t get your fucking review machine to work. How convenient, assholes.
October 25th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
sanchez actually only had 4 ints, one was the placeholder for the jets
October 25th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Jake Delhomme has always been erratic and INT prone, especially last year. He just got a lot luckier last year than he has been this year.
Which makes me sad, but if things go like it looks like they’re going, Carolina will have a new QB. And Neckbeard is set to be a free agent after this season, so hopefully we’ll sign him and not Jason Campbell.
October 25th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
wow, this benson guy is living up to his #4 pick status. man, those cincy guys know how to draft.
what?
October 25th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
I love watching the Cowboys implode.
October 25th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Needs more bitching about commenters.
October 25th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
cutlerfucker please just die? let me blame our horribleness on caleb hanie
October 25th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
@BleachSoda
No, Sanchez had 5 and the place holder had the sixth pick of the game.
October 25th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
@Nathan Hale my bad… can i take a mulligan on that one?
October 25th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
Romo you ragdoll mother fucker! Get out there and score you spastic manequin!
/drinks
October 25th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
at what point do the raiders stop calling pass plays?
October 25th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
Oh my god Breesus you better not shit the bed today after shitting all over the Giants last week. You owe me at least 2 more weeks of fantasy meastiness to make up for the drubbing of my team.
October 25th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
@pemulis, when DMC comes back.
October 25th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
I refuse to believe Matt Moore or Josh McNown could possibly be worse than Delhomme.
October 25th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
Hi, Bengals, I love how you’re giving Ced Benson all these carries, but how about a fucking touchdown?
October 25th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
oh wait shit, does fargas really have 62 on 5 carries? or is yahoo just fucking with me?
October 25th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
Why do Bears draftees suddenly become good after leaving Chicago? I swear if Sex Cannon ever gets in at Houston they’d take the division from the Colts. It’s already time to find something more entertaining than the fail that comes with being a Chicago sports fan. I’m gonna go shove my head in the oven.
/finished transmitting the essence of Cutlerfucker.
October 25th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
“It’s only been two possessions but I think the Miami defense has figured Drew Brees out.”
Is this the D-team announcing duo?
October 25th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Nick Folk, he defines ‘folksy’.
October 25th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
And a delightful Ochocinco “child, please” anecdote on Fox. Awesome.
October 25th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Guess I should have started tiny Darren instead of tiny Leon..fuck my fantasy team
October 25th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
would it kill thomas jones to avegare more than the length of a limp dick per carry?
October 25th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
I is not spell gud.
October 25th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
OH FUCK YOU! Give the rookie running back the carries when the Raiders have their heads up their asses. Great.
October 25th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
Somebody call the waambulance. Someone’s making fun of the Raiders because they fucking suck.
October 25th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
JaMarcus Russell abso-fucking- lutely blows.
October 25th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
Damnit, why’d Cable have to put Gradkowski in? I was enjoying the shittiness.
October 25th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
Jamarcus must be pissed. Getting pulled on a day he was completing 55% of his passes.
October 25th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
ahahhah FUCK YOU ATLANTA!!!!
October 25th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
Miles Austin; a man barely alive…HEEEHAAAW MY BOY ROMO IS A GOTDAMMSUPPASTAR!!!!
October 25th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
Austin, you may be the only thing protecting my wrists from not getting slit.
October 25th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
okay shonn greene i hope your knees asplode
October 25th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU BEARS.
/has officially switched to nascar
October 25th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
That BOOOONG! hit I gave Rickey Williams in the early open thread seems to be serving him well.
October 25th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
Plz, o, plz, somebody make one of those crazy animated gifs of Brent bailing on a tackle after his pick-6.
October 25th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
Lovie Smith apparently went to the Andy Reid school of clock management.
October 25th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
ROMO!!!!!
October 25th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
ATL defender went for a head/kill shot on Romo..fail!!!
October 25th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
@ Fox in MN
i blame ron turner…. his sucktastic ways are contagious
October 25th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
Jeezus Christ Chicago! We’re down 31 points and we kick there? That had everything to do with Smith trying to avoid the shutout and nothing to do with climbing back in this game. DAMN!
/Easterbrook’d
October 25th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
Let’s go raiders! I need you to score and take away points from the Jets D.
October 25th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
Well the Saints score just before half. If you believe My Boy Troy (Aikman) N.O. will win!
October 25th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
Damn, it looked like Brees damn near got decapitated there!
October 25th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
Damn. counting on the Raiders to do anything right was pretty retarded of me.
October 25th, 2009 at 5:59 pm
did leon washington get injured? or did he go pussytubing with rex ryan’s daughter/dog etc?
October 25th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
Bleachsoda: Injured.
Further proof of my FF fate just being riddled with bad karma for no good reason: I picked up clowney of the wire, then changed my mind and decided isaac bruce would be a better idea since he’s actually a #1 reciever. Guess which one now has 10 more points than the other?
October 25th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
Oh, and i’m about to lose to the worst team in the league.
October 25th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
@ Ocho Cinco Fan Club
i can top that, i started leon and im facing clowney….. oh and im a bears fan
October 25th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
I am so torn–Brees is on my fantasy team but I’ve loved the Dolphins forever.
My girlfriend is going to either be really happy or…really happy? Whatever.
/dares not to hope
//dick joke? Maybe?
October 25th, 2009 at 6:11 pm
FND: Fuck. Now I have to find a new blog to frequent.
October 25th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
FUCK YOU MATT RYAN AND JASON WITTEN!!! 10 POINTS BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU FUCKS!?!?! FFUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
October 25th, 2009 at 6:13 pm
Delhomme momentarily forgot that Steve Smith is not eight feet tall.
October 25th, 2009 at 6:13 pm
MMP you can take the rest of the week off and let the two funny guys do the work on the site.
Yes, I’m in a shitty mood since my my queer father got buttfucked again on closed-circuit TV again this week.
October 25th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
So… Lovie smith is not going to be outchallenged by Marvin!
October 25th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
and my FFB game is now a tie, thank you carolina for being so fucking horrible that the bills have picked you off twice and held you scoreless… cocks
October 25th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
TankGal: I had Brees last week. He lit up the scoreboard against my Giants. It ended a 3 game slide on my end and the Giants’ hype. Embarrassing, but all in all, not the worst thing. Nothing more annoying than the team doing good but then having a good majority of the fanbase act like guido Tawmmies.
October 25th, 2009 at 6:18 pm
That last comment made me sound like a shitty fan, but I just meant that after I drank and got over the loss, it was worth it to have everyone else around me stop slobbing on the Giants’ knob.
/Its just a regular season loss.
//will totally cry like the guy in the youtube vid if the Giants lose in their first playoff game to a shittier team.
October 25th, 2009 at 6:18 pm
Wisconsin must just be shitty for TV, Awful Packer game early, now 31-0 Jets, and 31-3, they can’t show anything better? This is god awful!!
October 25th, 2009 at 6:18 pm
but then having a good majority of the fanbase act like guido Tawmmies
THAT LAST GAME WAS A FLUKE! MOST OF AR SECONDARY IS HURT (ROSS, DOCKERY, PHILLIPS)! AMIRIGHT?
/Mickey from Rockaway
October 25th, 2009 at 6:18 pm
31-3 Bungels that is
October 25th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
What the fuck uniform are the Jets wearing?
It seriously took me a minute to figure out who the Raiders were playng against?.
October 25th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
seahawk matt I agree. Witten has a blown a dick this whole year. Fuck I hate the Cowboys.
October 25th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
Those fucks in Buffalo better not give Jackson goal line carries over Beef Moe. What is this fantasy hell in which I live today?
October 25th, 2009 at 6:21 pm
@leigh: Ok I used that same excuse too. But I didn’t say it like that I swear!
/But seriously, they’re all hurt, and it was fuckin BREES! That man is a tiny QB’ing god.
October 25th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
MMP you can take the rest of the week off and let the two funny guys do the work on the site.
Out of curiosity, who are the two funny guys?
October 25th, 2009 at 6:24 pm
not only is little leon and clowney fucking me, now the raiders finally make a goal line stand and jay fucking feely misses the goddamned field goal
October 25th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
Austin! FUCK YOU ROY WILLIAMS YOU PIECE OF SHIT
October 25th, 2009 at 6:26 pm
“watch the eyes of Jay Cutler”… those sulky, sulky eyes
October 25th, 2009 at 6:26 pm
Okay Bengals have the ball, and a 35 point lead, lets switch to the NO/MIA game, c’mon fox this is just stupid
October 25th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
Hey guys, here’s a riddle: You have a 2nd string QB, Terrell “locker room plague” Owens, Lee fucking Evans, and a pretty good RB in Lynch. And you’re at the opponents’ 2. What do you do?
Well easy! If you’re Dick Jauron, you have your off the bench QB throw to your wildly inconsistent 2nd WR.
/Time to start drinking. Heavily. For a very long time.
October 25th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
Sulkakke.
/Bears fan
October 25th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
Charles Davis is useless. Dick Stockton just asked him to refill his Jim Beam during the game break.
October 25th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
Sex Cannon>Frown Cannon
October 25th, 2009 at 6:31 pm
Benson got tackled by a guy named Danielle… now I know why the Bears cut him.
October 25th, 2009 at 6:31 pm
The Cowboys are ruining my Cutler/Delhomme schadenfreude right now
October 25th, 2009 at 6:31 pm
@Mick: the Raiders could be playing the North Dakota College of Dentistry and the result would be the same…but yes those uniforms are a horrible shade of awful
October 25th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
benson was on the bears? you dont say
October 25th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
@first-national-dank
again in english?
/head asplode
October 25th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
Benson thinks that the only thing that could make this day any better is some good old-fashioned Texas boat-drinking to celebrate his recovery from being “blackballed” completely without an provocation or reason whatsoever. Yeah, nothing like some boat-drinking to celebrate how you are a model citizen, unfairly exploited by the industry that has paid him millions of dollars.
October 25th, 2009 at 6:38 pm
This game would be actually exciting if I didn’t have Drew Brees starting and Carson Palmer on the bench.
October 25th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
Methinks I should have started Orton on his bye instead of Brees this week.
First National Dank: I need to meet your dealer.
October 25th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
How bad are you when the opposing QB is eating a hot dog during the game. Nice move Sanchez
October 25th, 2009 at 6:44 pm
huh?
October 25th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
@first-national-dank
i think i suddenly know how jamarcus russell feels when he tries to read a defense
October 25th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
@Mr. Rodgers:
THAT’S DISRESPECT!!!
October 25th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
my deepest apologies… yet I still have no clue what the fuck he said
October 25th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
Is Dad here today?
October 25th, 2009 at 6:48 pm
have the falcons ever heard of pass protection for fucks sake
October 25th, 2009 at 6:48 pm
dude, are you using t9?
October 25th, 2009 at 6:49 pm
JT O’Sullivan! WIN!
October 25th, 2009 at 6:50 pm
patrick crayton…… and boom goes the dynomite
October 25th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
Are the Bengals trying to rub it the Bears face about Benson? Why is he still in the game? He has like 35 carries already
October 25th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
Matty Ice! Michael Turner! Called in sick!
October 25th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
I can neither confirm nor deny that I clicked that link.
October 25th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
thanks dank I just vomited all over my keyboard
October 25th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
BONG goes the dynamite, 3TD’s for Ricky Williams… and he’s on my bench…
October 25th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
The fetish tourney is early this year.
October 25th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
Oh god, red zone for the Bills again? Please use your best player/my fantasy player this time you stupid knobs.
October 25th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
“There’s one thing I don’t understand. The thing I don’t understand is every motherfuckin’ word you’re saying. ”
Limey’d
October 25th, 2009 at 6:59 pm
Fuck Cedric “I wish I was Ricky” Benson. May he contract leprosy and his dick shrivel and fall off. I could deal with the Bears losing if Cedric were to blow out all three knee ligaments in either leg.
October 25th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
Falcons players getting KTFO all over the place.
October 25th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
Yeah, Mr Haney is taking us to Hooterville!
October 25th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
What kind of music is Sulky QB listening to on the sideline?
October 25th, 2009 at 7:05 pm
thank you Matty Ice!!
October 25th, 2009 at 7:07 pm
It’s a good thing that the Panthers gave Delhomme a shit-ton of money this offseason. Otherwise they might have ended up with a shitty starting QB.
October 25th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
We’re going to swtich you now from the game that’s over to the game that’s almsot over and not to the close game.
Fuck. Fox.
October 25th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
FUCK YOU MATT RYAN!!
October 25th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
MILES AUSTIN’S SMILE IS THE NEW MIGHTMARE FUEL!
October 25th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
its okay Rob after this non-close game is over they will switch us to the game we actually want to see…
October 25th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
Seriously, you won’t see that much gum in a Double Bubble factory.
October 25th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
MILES AUSTIN’S SMILE IS THE NEW MIGHTMARE FUEL!
That’s probably the next Mouth-eyes pic… and I’m already shuddering thinking about it
October 25th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
if Miles Austin (4th Q @ 2:10) doesn’t get the Mouth Eyes Treatment, then I don’t know what does. holy moly, those are some chompers.
October 25th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
I’d smile too all goofy after 2 games like that.
October 25th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
@ seahawk matt
Ten minutes between posts…
October 25th, 2009 at 7:05 pm
thank you Matty Ice!!…October 25th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
FUCK YOU MATT RYAN!!
October 25th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
It was a typo, but that smile is so freaky I stand by the term “Mightmare”
October 25th, 2009 at 7:23 pm
Wow I haven’t thought about Eddie George in a long time.
October 25th, 2009 at 7:23 pm
Did he just say the Saints were in the 4 minute offense?
October 25th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
Even when Reggie Bush does somethign good… he gets tackled by his own guy.
October 25th, 2009 at 7:27 pm
He just said it again LFND. WTF?
October 25th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
Dallas: legitimized
October 25th, 2009 at 7:33 pm
@soulfunk: maybe garbage time picks don’t mean shit to him but they do to my fantasy team damnit!!
October 25th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
Gums for miles, that Austin.
The UPS commercial guy really takes away from my gameday experience….
October 25th, 2009 at 7:39 pm
Oh, Miami. So close.
October 25th, 2009 at 7:43 pm
The Saints just showed why they should be respected.
And I’m definitely getting a man crush on the Breesus!
October 25th, 2009 at 7:46 pm
If they aren’t going to win, can’t Miami at least have the courtesy to cover?
October 25th, 2009 at 7:48 pm
Huh, didn’t know KSK was capable of deleting comments.
You’ll probably soon discover they can also ban commenters, too.
October 25th, 2009 at 7:53 pm
Otto, where do you live?
October 25th, 2009 at 7:53 pm
did the announcer just call Land Shark Stadium Landmark Stadium?
October 25th, 2009 at 7:54 pm
@FND – You probably denigrated the Stillers.
October 25th, 2009 at 7:55 pm
Huh, didn’t know KSK was capable of deleting comments.
You’ll probably soon discover they can also ban commenters, too.
Actually what I’m worried is that they may have the capabilities to have commenters assassinated.
Not that…you know…I know this for a fact or anything.
/please don’t kill me!
October 25th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
Right now, on Football Night in America, they’re having Tony Dungy break down the Eli Manning-to-David Tyree Giant Snatch in Super Bowl XLII with Rodney Harrison standing right there. That’s pretty fantastic, NBC.
October 25th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
That’s almost as awesome as a few years ago when Boomer Esiason talked about Peyton Manning ending up the next Dan Marino while sitting right next to Dan Marino. Had Boomer looked at him while saying it, the look on Marino’s face would have had the same effect as opening the Ark of the Covenant.