revenge-nerds

Wow. Some really great submissions this week. I would’ve loved to have gotten to every question, but I really do prefer to keep this shorter than a Gregg Easterbrook column. (Good Lord, could you imagine Easterbrook writing this column? (Sour Play of the Week No.2: When TMQ’s wife refused to lube the strap-on with hamburger grease.”)

Anyway, if you didn’t make the cut this week, please don’t hesitate to hit us up for next week’s column. We (I) prefer to receive mailbag submissions on Tuesday or Wednesday, as this unwieldy monster requires some thought and, occasionally, research. In the space below, we’ll address sex during pregnancy, midseason trades, mismatched sex drives, tattoo turn-offs, Catholic guilt, Marques Colston, and more. (People, do NOT ask us if you need to start Colston. Yes. Start him. Every week.)

You dirty fuckers,
We will start with the sex issue of the day. My wife is carrying our first child. Due to her changing body, she is contributing our complete lack of sex to 10% being her insecurities about her changing body and 90% to just being downright uncomfortable. We have only been married one year this week and should be banging like rabid donkeys and I feel a bit put out. What is the best course of action? 1.) Make her feel better about the insecurities and tell her to suck it up? 2.) Engage her in a deep psychological reconnaissance mission to find a potential deeper issue for the lack of sex? 3.) Immerse myself in porn? I don’t know.

Oh, I’m sorry! Thanks for playing, but the answer we were looking for was (4) Don’t get your wife pregnant during the first year of your marriage. But don’t worry, I’ve heard that your sex life picks up exactly where it left off after you have kids! (In 18 years.)

Now to the fantasy question. I am the commish of a typical 10 team inter-office league, $20 per entry, winner take all. I have this one jackass in the league that makes at least 30 trade proposals a week. In the normal course of life this guy is completely oblivious to his own major short-comings and he has carried it over to the fantasy league. It has become a running joke for us to compare dildo’s absurd trade requests throughout the office. It was all fun and games until he hung himself out there bad to the #2 team in the league. When I saw the trade request, I thought to myself, “he is really fucking himself.” I didn’t think much of it until another guy in the league came over to my desk and suggested that I veto the trade because he was giving the guy so much talent in exchange for peanuts. With all the whimsical trade requests he has offered, it was only a matter of time before he fucked himself and the rest of us. Do I need to explain myself in this situation to the rest of the league if I were to veto his trade? Is it wrong for me to just cut off his trade function all together?
Sincerely,
dying to power trip on this fool

This is a tough one, as I’d like to suggest you allow the trade to punish the jackass. However, your duty as commissioner is to make sure the league is run fairly, and this would seem like the time to veto the trade, turn off his trade function, and write a long decree outlining Corky McMongoloid’s retardery and explaining your actions. Essentially, you want to embarrass him and make him hate everyone in the league so he doesn’t want to join next year.

Despots of Dick Jokes,
First, the sex.  So, one night I got drunk and hooked up with an ex-girlfriend that was about to leave town.  Since we both were interested in dating again, we started up the relationship long-distance.  The problem is that we’re both fairly religious people and didn’t really want to continue this behavior… but the sex was fantastic and we slipped back into it every time we saw each other.  Now she’s probably going to be breaking up with me because we aren’t keeping physical boundaries that we’d both prefer.  I’m wondering if you think it’s at all possible to stop getting it on after you know you have great sexual chemistry?

Dear human being, sex isn’t wrong. Religion is a social construct created thousands of years ago to control the uneducated masses. By all means, believe in God and worship as you please, but don’t drop this Catholic guilt bullshit about sex being wrong. If you need someone to tell you that God gets mad when you have sex before marriage, you’ve written into the wrong mailbag. Get over yourselves and fuck away.

Now, the fantasy football moral dilemma.  We’re playing in a league together and she dropped BJacobs for Chester Taylor (yeah… she’s not great at fantasy sports) after deciding that we should probably break up.  Am I being a dick to the rest of the league if I swoop in and pick up the manchild without stepping in and telling her not to do that?  Is that still my responsibility?
-MP

No, it’s not. But you may want to ask Jesus, just in case.

Dear Gentlemen –
Sex: My fiancé wants to have sex every night, which I attribute to her unfortunate childhood (namely, hearing her father frequently accuse her mother of cheating on him because she didn’t want to sleep with him). I’m in law school, so I’m simply not up to the task every night (I know, I know, I’m a baby, need to man up, blah blah blah). I’ve tried explaining this multiple times, but she still takes it personally. To an extent, I understand- I’m literally rejecting her advances; however, it’s not like we have a non-existent sex life. We still have sex three to four times a week. Any suggestions on how I can explain this to her without causing more damage?

I’m sure others will want to harangue you about your complaint, but it’s a real problem — and I speak from experience. How did I handle my situation? Well, I carefully explained that I had to work a couple nights a week in order to stay on top of the blogging game, and that I needed a night or two off per week. She said she understood, then we still ended up having sex every night. even on nights when I wasn’t feeling it beforehand, I was pretty happy we decided to have sex.

As her future husband, you should feel a responsibility to satisfy your mate. And as a man, you have the ability to be convinced to have sex. Believe me. Let her go down on you for a couple minutes and see how badly you don’t want to have sex any more.

Fantasy: I was recently offered a trade in a no-keeper, 3 WR 2 RB league: I give up Colston, Marshall, and Longwell and get Edwards, Turner, and Shiancoe. I have Ward and Manningham, so I’m not sure my WRs would take a big hit. My other kicker is Crosby, and he’s been comparable to Longwell. My RBs are Slaton and Westbrook, and Westbrook worries me.

Obviously, this email was written before Westbrook’s concussion on MNF.

Also, my TEs are John Carlson and Jermichael Finley, and I’m not positive Finley will become what I originally thought he would. So, do I take the trade, counter-offer Colston for Turner straight up, or reject it and stick with what I’ve got?
Regards,
BrentFarve

Counter-offer Colston for Turner straight-up. He’s trying to stick you with Braylon — who WILL drive you insane — in order to rob you of Brandon Marshall. Don’t fall for it.

Hold on a second. Your other kicker? You keep TWO kickers?  Dude. Dude. Your homework tonight is to drop Crosby and pick up a second- or third-string running back who can get some playing time if someone gets injured. Or throw a kicker into the trade to sweeten the deal to get Turner. Just don’t keep two kickers on your team.

Consiglieres of Coitus,
What’s the official KSK policy on plowing your buddy’s girlfriend?

Seriously? We still need to ask these things?

He’s dating this girl that I work with who is mind-bendingly hot and way out of my league, but recently their relationship has started to go tits-up. I also recently broke up with a friend of hers I was dating. We’ve been talking a lot about our relationships and sex lives, but I never figured it would amount to anything. Finally it leads to her telling me in no uncertain terms that she would gladly be bludgeoned by my meat bat.

She’s won over by your chivalrous words, no doubt.

I’ve always tried to be an ethical guy and a good friend, but this could be my only opportunity to sleep with a woman this attractive. Do I go for it?

No, of course you don’t. But you’re a fucking terrible friend, so you’ll do it anyway. C’mon, at least wait until they break up.

As for fantasy football, I have no real dilemmas. But I am in a league that starts two quarterbacks and is both IDP and PPR. I’ll give you a minute to scoop your brain up off the floor.
-T

Sounds like the kind of league where people fuck their friends’ girlfriends.

Gents,
Fantasy: I have some bye week shuffling and have 4 of these guys to pick, so tell me what you think. I need one of them in my open WR slot (unless Megatron doesn’t play against StL, then I use both), one in an open RB spot, one to start at TE, and an extra one you like at my open RB/WR spot (can’t use a tight end there). It’s a half PPR and everything else is standard.

WR: M. Austin vs. Sea / D. Hester vs. Cle
RB: T. Choice vs. Sea / D. Sproles vs. Oak / P. Thomas vs. Atl
TE: G. Olsen vs. Cle / V. Davis @ Hou

Austin and Sproles for sure. Flip a coin with Hester and Thomas. And at tight end… Davis, I suppose. Olsen’s gotten a couple TD’s, but Davis has way more yardage — I don’t think the shittiness of the Browns makes up for the difference in fantasy numbers.

Sex: I’ve been with my girlfriend for about 8 months now. Everything’s great, including the sex. She has no qualms about going down on me on a regular basis either. Good for me, right? The only problem is, while I obviously enjoy her efforts, she’s not very careful with her teeth. And I don’t think it’s intentional. It scrapes. As you can imagine, it can be painful. Not to the point that I have to stop her (there are probably few things short of a plane crashing into the house that would make me do that), but the kind of pain where I have to wince and grab onto a pillow. I guess overall it doesn’t stop me from the positive end result, but it definitely knocks me out of euphoria each time it happens. Just knowing what kind of girl she is, I know she’d get embarrassed if I ever pointed out that she was hurting me, and she might be hesitant to do the deed on anything close to a regular basis. I’m sure there are guys who would be happy with the pain, but it’s not for me. So: Man up, shut up, and consider myself lucky enough as it is, or risk hurting her feelings (and losing out) but avoid the pain?

We’ve all been there. Don’t make a big deal out of it. Just say “Ow” when she rakes her teeth on your dick. That’ll get her attention. Then you say, “Babe, careful with the teeth, please.” And if she needs extra reassurance, you tell her please don’t stop and it really turns you on blah blah blah. Then be all, “Less talky more sucky.”

And ladies: lips over teeth, please. It bothers me to no end that there are grown women who can’t fellate their way out of a paper bag.

Gentlemen,
fantasy football: I play in a 10 team league that starts 2 quarterbacks. My starters are Ben and Brees, and Ben is on a bye this week. I had Shaun Hill as my back up, figuring I would only need him for the two bye weeks. He has since been downgraded to the king of the bench behind baby hands Alex Smith. I need a victory this week, and I have an offer for a trade for The Bulge, but I have to give up Jeremy Maclin. I have reasonable depth at wide out, meaning that I have 4 or 5 guys that all put up mediocre numbers. Is the trade worth it?

Well, your main concern should be that the Rams are fucking terrible so you shouldn’t want Bulger. But Maclin’s had just one good game, and it’s been an aberration compared to the rest of his season. He shouldn’t be starting in a ten-team league. So I guess you can make the trade, but you should realize that you’re getting the quarterback for the St. Louis Rams.

Sex: So, I started dating a girl a couple of months ago, and after a month I put her next to Shaun Hill on the bench. I wasn’t a dick about it, I simply told her that I wasn’t into her and wanted to see other people. A couple of weeks later she told me that she was pregnant with my demon seed. It was odd, because she she was only 3 1/2 weeks pregnant, which i didn’t know you could tell that early.

Nope. You can get a positive pregnancy test within 7-10 days after conception.

Things have grown more suspicious over the past month. I haven’t been invited to go to a doctor’s appointment with her, and every week it seems like more and more drama is going on that makes me feel straight out of daytime TV. These things have included her passing out, having a Russian guy text me from her phone telling me to watch my back (the text used words and phrases that she would use), and her telling me two weeks ago that it was more than likely twins. After I sufficiently shit my pants, I started dealing with it. I’m trying to be supportive but this chick is fucking crazy. My friends have advised me to invite her over, and when she does give her a pregnancy test and tell her to start pissing. Do you have any advice on this situation? I mean, I don’t want to be a dick, find out she’s is actually pregnant and then spend two decades with this girl trying to ruin my life because of the way I handle things now.

Help?
-From the Hopeless

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeikes. I would recommend NOT inviting her over to your house. Maybe to the top of the stairs, or to the local coat hanger factory. But not your house.

But no, you’re right: you DO need to find out if she’s pregnant. This is best done with your eyes by looking at her stomach. In order to do this, I’d suggest being nice to her. Ask her out to coffee under the conceit that the two of you need to clear the air about your future interaction, since she’s supposedly pregnant with your two children. Be honest and forthright in the big-picture stuff: it’s too bad you didn’t have the right feelings for her, but you don’t want to be a deadbeat, so you want do fatherly things like feel her stomach to see if the babies are kicking — oh, and while she’s there, this seems like a good time to talk about getting lawyers to draw up what kind of child support there should be, and also you need to arrange a paternity test. You know, just to be sure.

Basically, this woman — pregnant or not — has been able to fuck with your head by catching you off-guard about a serious issue. It’s time you started thinking a couple moves ahead.

(NOTE TO ALL READERS: Use a fucking condom.)

Bearers of gold, frankincense and myrrh,
Sex – I’ve been happily married for ten years and have two kids. The wife and I have sex on average two to three times a week. My question revolves around protocol when she is battling a cold. Typically this means one to two weeks of going to tube8.com for satisfaction, which is sort of like having to settle for the old woman while a very doable (at the time) Sondra Locke is sitting in the wagon waiting for Ten Bears. Is there a way to get any loving from a sick spouse without being seen as an inconsiderate lout?

Nope. Be a good husband: bring her chicken soup and flowers, and go out of your way to take care of the kids so she doesn’t have to. The payoff on the backend will be considerably better sex.

Fantasy – Leagues that employ a flex position are lame. Flex positions are to fantasy as the Canadian Football League is to the NFL. In fact, I’ve found that the more asinine the fantasy question is, the more likely it’s from some dork in a flex position league (Look it up, it’s true!) So my question to people in flex leagues is a two parter. Eli Manning sucks and go fuck yourselves.

Well, I disagree about the flex position — it makes sense for the wave of bye weeks that take up the plurality of the fantasy regular season. However, I admire the panache with which you made your point. Bravo, sir.

Dear KSK:
Fantasy: I am 2-5 but would be 5-2 if I knew how to play matchups, I ask for your guidance. Standard scoring with .5 PPR. 2 WR, 2 RB, one flex, and I am totally stumped here. For receivers I got Jennings (vs. Minnesota), Crabtree (@ Indy), Maclin (vs Giants), Manningham (@ Philly), Collie (vs. San Fran). At RB I got Jacobs (@ Philly), Westbrook (vs. Giants), Knowshon (@ Balt), Beanie Wells (vs. Carolina). I feel douchey asking for so much help, but everyone I bench ends up breaking out, so I am leaving my fate to you.

That might not be wise. Before the season we told some guy to make Forte his keeper instead of Tom Brady. He’s not happy with us.

In descending order of how strongly I feel about them: Jennings, Jacobs, Knowshon, Beanie, Manningham.

Sex: I have been dating my girl for over a year now. We’ve dropped the L-bomb and talk about how were gonna get married down the line. Recently I have found out that she has had a lot more partners than I have, which sorta bothers me but I can get past that. Then I found out she is into some really kinky shit (likes fisting, hasn’t tried bondage but really wants to). This came out of nowhere from her, so now I am wondering what she is still holding back. I am having trouble respecting a girl who has done all this kinky shit with other guys. Tell me I’m not a pussy please.
-VP

Sorry: you’re a pussy. Men existed in her life before you entered it. And guess what, they might have even had bigger dicks! Get over yourself.

Gentlemen,
Sex First: Last weekend, I went out with a good friend, his girlfriend, and his sister. My buddy was being an ass all night, but his sister and I hit it off pretty well and graduated to shamelessly flirting in front of him. She’s really athletic and has pretty killer legs, so I was pleased with the direction this was headed. He called it a night, we went out for more drinks and hanging out, made it back to my place, had some intense making out, and slept in the same bed (no sex). Then, she invites me to her place on Monday…further making out ensues, but again I go home without getting down and dirty with her. Any advice on graduating this from high school making out to full-blown, toe curling, carnal lust? Situations that involve copious amounts of alcohol (for her) would probably help, I imagine.

I feel the following are pertinent facts: 1. She broke off an engagement a month ago. 2. I have a bet with another friend regarding which one of us will nail her first. 3. Holding this over her brother would be really huge for me for the rest of my life. 4. I’m working about a 3 month dry spell right now, which sucks.

5. Your life is the pinnacle of negative stereotypes about frat boys. 6.You’re playing the villain in a 1980s college comedy.

Seriously, how did you write that list without using the word “bro”? Do you have any kind of mental barometer for what assholes do versus what good human beings do? Give the girl some time to get over her broken engagement, call off the bet, let go of your immature desire to use a woman to hurt your friend, and THEN, maybe, you’ll see your three-month dry spell end.

Fantasy: Two of my starting three WRs are locks (Fitty and D. Jackson). Advice on the #3 slot: Nicks (@PHI); Knox (@ CLE); Crabby (@IND). I’m a Giants fan, so I lean toward Nicks, but I have used Knox a few games this year with success (PPR league and return yards/tds count in this league, so that gives Knox a plus). I’m not quite sold on starting Crabby yet. Also, who the fuck is Megatron?

Nicks is a solid play, and Manningham’s hands have been less than stellar lately, so he might get more looks. But I’d look into Cleveland’s special teams coverage before I made the call if I were you.

Megatron is Calvin Johnson. It’s a nickname he got from Roy Williams during his rookie season. Welcome to the blogosphere.

My RB situation always seems to be a crapshoot. Pick two: Slaton (@BUF); Addai (@SF); Grant (@MIN); Hightower (@CAR); F. Jones (@SEA). I liked Grant’s matchups the last couple of weeks, started him two weeks ago and he shit on me, so replaced him with Addai last week and Grant had a great game (for Ryan Grant, that is).
Thanks,
MF

Slaton and Addai. Slaton over Grant is a little bit of a risk, but teams have been running roughshod over the Bills. I’d also strongly consider Felix Jones. I’m not picking him because I prefer guys that are guaranteed to get the touches, but he’s got a chance to break some plays against a Seahawks defense that’s susceptible to long runs.

Dear KSK,
I met my current GF three months ago. We met in a pretty standard way, drunk at a bar. We went home that first night and nothing happened. I’m not a one night stand kind of guy. We didn’t have any type of sex until 6 weeks into our relationship. And actually set a day to be our first time.

The time finally comes. I jerked off 5 times a day leading up to the day so I wouldn’t be a one pump Gump. I get to her apartment that night and it’s all candles and 2 glasses of wine. We ordered pizza (so romantic I know). After food and maybe 2 glasses of wine a piece it gets hot and heavy. Clothes are coming off. When I pulled her shirt off she had an interesting tattoo across her upper abdomen. In about 6 inch solid black old English writing it simply said “FUCK.” Nothing about her ever told me there was a possibility of a giant “FUCK” tattoo. She’s 25, finished with school, has a career (fraud manager), and all that jazz. I obviously do a quintuple take and ask “what the heck is that?” She immediately starts crying and apologizing as she’s pullng her shirt on. We go through all the talking and I come to find she was a bit of a wild child when she was younger and got it when she was 19. I come to find out her hood and nipples were also pierced. She says she regretted it a week after she got it. Her insurance won’t cover the removal and she can’t afford the removal until she finishes paying her student loans. I told her it didn’t bother me, but the mood was ruined for that night.

We have since had great sex (with our shirts on). I think I’m in love with this chick, but the tattoo fucking bothers me to no end. She won’t take her shirt off when we have sex. She has the few times we’ve fucked while drunk, but even then it bothered me. I have told her that it’s not my favorite thing about her but she has no idea how upset it makes me. Am I being selfish about this? I want to be with her, but not with the tattoo. I have not even told my friends about this. Do I tell her it bothers me and potentially crush her or do I bite my tongue and see if this relationship is the real deal and eventually help her pay for the removal.
-Shuan (It’s pronounced Schwan, i hate my parents)
PS-Fantasy: My first two picks this year. LT & Frank Gore. Have you heard of a worse 1-2 pick combo this year?

As much as I’d like to admonish you for your tastes — I have searched my entire adult life for a woman with hidden piercings and a FUCK tattoo — a turn-off is a turn-off. But then, my stomach turns when I see a woman in pearls and a sweater set. To each his own, even if you’re wasting a freaky good time.

One thing’s clear to me: not only are YOU not comfortable with the tattoo, neither is she — and you’re partly to blame for it. The only way that we can conquer our dislike for something is by exposing ourselves to it. So you need to have a talk with your girlfriend. And no, do NOT tell her how much you hate the tattoo, but you do need to stress that it’s gotten in the way of you two furthering your intimacy. You need to start by having sex with your shirts off. Do it in complete darkness at first if you have to. Then add a little bit of light. Get used to seeing the tattoo, even if it’s just in your periphery. (For Christ’s sake! She has pierced nipples! Don’t let her cover that with a shirt.) When you get used to seeing it, force yourself to caress the tattoo. Kiss it. You’re not going to like it at first — and let’s be honest: you may not like it, ever — but facing the thing you don’t like is the only chance you have of liking or accepting it. As my friend Joe said, “I tried hummus 25 times before I liked it.”

And yes, LT and Gore was a horrible 1-2. You should have known better.