‘Help! I’m a Poorly Constructed Villain in an ’80s Comedy!’ The KSK Sex/Fantasy Football Mailbag
Wow. Some really great submissions this week. I would’ve loved to have gotten to every question, but I really do prefer to keep this shorter than a Gregg Easterbrook column. (Good Lord, could you imagine Easterbrook writing this column? (Sour Play of the Week No.2: When TMQ’s wife refused to lube the strap-on with hamburger grease.”)
Anyway, if you didn’t make the cut this week, please don’t hesitate to hit us up for next week’s column. We (I) prefer to receive mailbag submissions on Tuesday or Wednesday, as this unwieldy monster requires some thought and, occasionally, research. In the space below, we’ll address sex during pregnancy, midseason trades, mismatched sex drives, tattoo turn-offs, Catholic guilt, Marques Colston, and more. (People, do NOT ask us if you need to start Colston. Yes. Start him. Every week.)
You dirty fuckers,
We will start with the sex issue of the day. My wife is carrying our first child. Due to her changing body, she is contributing our complete lack of sex to 10% being her insecurities about her changing body and 90% to just being downright uncomfortable. We have only been married one year this week and should be banging like rabid donkeys and I feel a bit put out. What is the best course of action? 1.) Make her feel better about the insecurities and tell her to suck it up? 2.) Engage her in a deep psychological reconnaissance mission to find a potential deeper issue for the lack of sex? 3.) Immerse myself in porn? I don’t know.
Oh, I’m sorry! Thanks for playing, but the answer we were looking for was (4) Don’t get your wife pregnant during the first year of your marriage. But don’t worry, I’ve heard that your sex life picks up exactly where it left off after you have kids! (In 18 years.)
Now to the fantasy question. I am the commish of a typical 10 team inter-office league, $20 per entry, winner take all. I have this one jackass in the league that makes at least 30 trade proposals a week. In the normal course of life this guy is completely oblivious to his own major short-comings and he has carried it over to the fantasy league. It has become a running joke for us to compare dildo’s absurd trade requests throughout the office. It was all fun and games until he hung himself out there bad to the #2 team in the league. When I saw the trade request, I thought to myself, “he is really fucking himself.” I didn’t think much of it until another guy in the league came over to my desk and suggested that I veto the trade because he was giving the guy so much talent in exchange for peanuts. With all the whimsical trade requests he has offered, it was only a matter of time before he fucked himself and the rest of us. Do I need to explain myself in this situation to the rest of the league if I were to veto his trade? Is it wrong for me to just cut off his trade function all together?
Sincerely,
dying to power trip on this fool
This is a tough one, as I’d like to suggest you allow the trade to punish the jackass. However, your duty as commissioner is to make sure the league is run fairly, and this would seem like the time to veto the trade, turn off his trade function, and write a long decree outlining Corky McMongoloid’s retardery and explaining your actions. Essentially, you want to embarrass him and make him hate everyone in the league so he doesn’t want to join next year.
Despots of Dick Jokes,
First, the sex. So, one night I got drunk and hooked up with an ex-girlfriend that was about to leave town. Since we both were interested in dating again, we started up the relationship long-distance. The problem is that we’re both fairly religious people and didn’t really want to continue this behavior… but the sex was fantastic and we slipped back into it every time we saw each other. Now she’s probably going to be breaking up with me because we aren’t keeping physical boundaries that we’d both prefer. I’m wondering if you think it’s at all possible to stop getting it on after you know you have great sexual chemistry?
Dear human being, sex isn’t wrong. Religion is a social construct created thousands of years ago to control the uneducated masses. By all means, believe in God and worship as you please, but don’t drop this Catholic guilt bullshit about sex being wrong. If you need someone to tell you that God gets mad when you have sex before marriage, you’ve written into the wrong mailbag. Get over yourselves and fuck away.
Now, the fantasy football moral dilemma. We’re playing in a league together and she dropped BJacobs for Chester Taylor (yeah… she’s not great at fantasy sports) after deciding that we should probably break up. Am I being a dick to the rest of the league if I swoop in and pick up the manchild without stepping in and telling her not to do that? Is that still my responsibility?
-MP
No, it’s not. But you may want to ask Jesus, just in case.
Dear Gentlemen –
Sex: My fiancé wants to have sex every night, which I attribute to her unfortunate childhood (namely, hearing her father frequently accuse her mother of cheating on him because she didn’t want to sleep with him). I’m in law school, so I’m simply not up to the task every night (I know, I know, I’m a baby, need to man up, blah blah blah). I’ve tried explaining this multiple times, but she still takes it personally. To an extent, I understand- I’m literally rejecting her advances; however, it’s not like we have a non-existent sex life. We still have sex three to four times a week. Any suggestions on how I can explain this to her without causing more damage?
I’m sure others will want to harangue you about your complaint, but it’s a real problem — and I speak from experience. How did I handle my situation? Well, I carefully explained that I had to work a couple nights a week in order to stay on top of the blogging game, and that I needed a night or two off per week. She said she understood, then we still ended up having sex every night. even on nights when I wasn’t feeling it beforehand, I was pretty happy we decided to have sex.
As her future husband, you should feel a responsibility to satisfy your mate. And as a man, you have the ability to be convinced to have sex. Believe me. Let her go down on you for a couple minutes and see how badly you don’t want to have sex any more.
Fantasy: I was recently offered a trade in a no-keeper, 3 WR 2 RB league: I give up Colston, Marshall, and Longwell and get Edwards, Turner, and Shiancoe. I have Ward and Manningham, so I’m not sure my WRs would take a big hit. My other kicker is Crosby, and he’s been comparable to Longwell. My RBs are Slaton and Westbrook, and Westbrook worries me.
Obviously, this email was written before Westbrook’s concussion on MNF.
Also, my TEs are John Carlson and Jermichael Finley, and I’m not positive Finley will become what I originally thought he would. So, do I take the trade, counter-offer Colston for Turner straight up, or reject it and stick with what I’ve got?
Regards,
BrentFarve
Counter-offer Colston for Turner straight-up. He’s trying to stick you with Braylon — who WILL drive you insane — in order to rob you of Brandon Marshall. Don’t fall for it.
Hold on a second. Your other kicker? You keep TWO kickers? Dude. Dude. Your homework tonight is to drop Crosby and pick up a second- or third-string running back who can get some playing time if someone gets injured. Or throw a kicker into the trade to sweeten the deal to get Turner. Just don’t keep two kickers on your team.
Consiglieres of Coitus,
What’s the official KSK policy on plowing your buddy’s girlfriend?
Seriously? We still need to ask these things?
He’s dating this girl that I work with who is mind-bendingly hot and way out of my league, but recently their relationship has started to go tits-up. I also recently broke up with a friend of hers I was dating. We’ve been talking a lot about our relationships and sex lives, but I never figured it would amount to anything. Finally it leads to her telling me in no uncertain terms that she would gladly be bludgeoned by my meat bat.
She’s won over by your chivalrous words, no doubt.
I’ve always tried to be an ethical guy and a good friend, but this could be my only opportunity to sleep with a woman this attractive. Do I go for it?
No, of course you don’t. But you’re a fucking terrible friend, so you’ll do it anyway. C’mon, at least wait until they break up.
As for fantasy football, I have no real dilemmas. But I am in a league that starts two quarterbacks and is both IDP and PPR. I’ll give you a minute to scoop your brain up off the floor.
-T
Sounds like the kind of league where people fuck their friends’ girlfriends.
Gents,
Fantasy: I have some bye week shuffling and have 4 of these guys to pick, so tell me what you think. I need one of them in my open WR slot (unless Megatron doesn’t play against StL, then I use both), one in an open RB spot, one to start at TE, and an extra one you like at my open RB/WR spot (can’t use a tight end there). It’s a half PPR and everything else is standard.
WR: M. Austin vs. Sea / D. Hester vs. Cle
RB: T. Choice vs. Sea / D. Sproles vs. Oak / P. Thomas vs. Atl
TE: G. Olsen vs. Cle / V. Davis @ Hou
Austin and Sproles for sure. Flip a coin with Hester and Thomas. And at tight end… Davis, I suppose. Olsen’s gotten a couple TD’s, but Davis has way more yardage — I don’t think the shittiness of the Browns makes up for the difference in fantasy numbers.
Sex: I’ve been with my girlfriend for about 8 months now. Everything’s great, including the sex. She has no qualms about going down on me on a regular basis either. Good for me, right? The only problem is, while I obviously enjoy her efforts, she’s not very careful with her teeth. And I don’t think it’s intentional. It scrapes. As you can imagine, it can be painful. Not to the point that I have to stop her (there are probably few things short of a plane crashing into the house that would make me do that), but the kind of pain where I have to wince and grab onto a pillow. I guess overall it doesn’t stop me from the positive end result, but it definitely knocks me out of euphoria each time it happens. Just knowing what kind of girl she is, I know she’d get embarrassed if I ever pointed out that she was hurting me, and she might be hesitant to do the deed on anything close to a regular basis. I’m sure there are guys who would be happy with the pain, but it’s not for me. So: Man up, shut up, and consider myself lucky enough as it is, or risk hurting her feelings (and losing out) but avoid the pain?
We’ve all been there. Don’t make a big deal out of it. Just say “Ow” when she rakes her teeth on your dick. That’ll get her attention. Then you say, “Babe, careful with the teeth, please.” And if she needs extra reassurance, you tell her please don’t stop and it really turns you on blah blah blah. Then be all, “Less talky more sucky.”
And ladies: lips over teeth, please. It bothers me to no end that there are grown women who can’t fellate their way out of a paper bag.
Gentlemen,
fantasy football: I play in a 10 team league that starts 2 quarterbacks. My starters are Ben and Brees, and Ben is on a bye this week. I had Shaun Hill as my back up, figuring I would only need him for the two bye weeks. He has since been downgraded to the king of the bench behind baby hands Alex Smith. I need a victory this week, and I have an offer for a trade for The Bulge, but I have to give up Jeremy Maclin. I have reasonable depth at wide out, meaning that I have 4 or 5 guys that all put up mediocre numbers. Is the trade worth it?
Well, your main concern should be that the Rams are fucking terrible so you shouldn’t want Bulger. But Maclin’s had just one good game, and it’s been an aberration compared to the rest of his season. He shouldn’t be starting in a ten-team league. So I guess you can make the trade, but you should realize that you’re getting the quarterback for the St. Louis Rams.
Sex: So, I started dating a girl a couple of months ago, and after a month I put her next to Shaun Hill on the bench. I wasn’t a dick about it, I simply told her that I wasn’t into her and wanted to see other people. A couple of weeks later she told me that she was pregnant with my demon seed. It was odd, because she she was only 3 1/2 weeks pregnant, which i didn’t know you could tell that early.
Nope. You can get a positive pregnancy test within 7-10 days after conception.
Things have grown more suspicious over the past month. I haven’t been invited to go to a doctor’s appointment with her, and every week it seems like more and more drama is going on that makes me feel straight out of daytime TV. These things have included her passing out, having a Russian guy text me from her phone telling me to watch my back (the text used words and phrases that she would use), and her telling me two weeks ago that it was more than likely twins. After I sufficiently shit my pants, I started dealing with it. I’m trying to be supportive but this chick is fucking crazy. My friends have advised me to invite her over, and when she does give her a pregnancy test and tell her to start pissing. Do you have any advice on this situation? I mean, I don’t want to be a dick, find out she’s is actually pregnant and then spend two decades with this girl trying to ruin my life because of the way I handle things now.
Help?
-From the Hopeless
Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeikes. I would recommend NOT inviting her over to your house. Maybe to the top of the stairs, or to the local coat hanger factory. But not your house.
But no, you’re right: you DO need to find out if she’s pregnant. This is best done with your eyes by looking at her stomach. In order to do this, I’d suggest being nice to her. Ask her out to coffee under the conceit that the two of you need to clear the air about your future interaction, since she’s supposedly pregnant with your two children. Be honest and forthright in the big-picture stuff: it’s too bad you didn’t have the right feelings for her, but you don’t want to be a deadbeat, so you want do fatherly things like feel her stomach to see if the babies are kicking — oh, and while she’s there, this seems like a good time to talk about getting lawyers to draw up what kind of child support there should be, and also you need to arrange a paternity test. You know, just to be sure.
Basically, this woman — pregnant or not — has been able to fuck with your head by catching you off-guard about a serious issue. It’s time you started thinking a couple moves ahead.
(NOTE TO ALL READERS: Use a fucking condom.)
Bearers of gold, frankincense and myrrh,
Sex – I’ve been happily married for ten years and have two kids. The wife and I have sex on average two to three times a week. My question revolves around protocol when she is battling a cold. Typically this means one to two weeks of going to tube8.com for satisfaction, which is sort of like having to settle for the old woman while a very doable (at the time) Sondra Locke is sitting in the wagon waiting for Ten Bears. Is there a way to get any loving from a sick spouse without being seen as an inconsiderate lout?
Nope. Be a good husband: bring her chicken soup and flowers, and go out of your way to take care of the kids so she doesn’t have to. The payoff on the backend will be considerably better sex.
Fantasy – Leagues that employ a flex position are lame. Flex positions are to fantasy as the Canadian Football League is to the NFL. In fact, I’ve found that the more asinine the fantasy question is, the more likely it’s from some dork in a flex position league (Look it up, it’s true!) So my question to people in flex leagues is a two parter. Eli Manning sucks and go fuck yourselves.
Well, I disagree about the flex position — it makes sense for the wave of bye weeks that take up the plurality of the fantasy regular season. However, I admire the panache with which you made your point. Bravo, sir.
Dear KSK:
Fantasy: I am 2-5 but would be 5-2 if I knew how to play matchups, I ask for your guidance. Standard scoring with .5 PPR. 2 WR, 2 RB, one flex, and I am totally stumped here. For receivers I got Jennings (vs. Minnesota), Crabtree (@ Indy), Maclin (vs Giants), Manningham (@ Philly), Collie (vs. San Fran). At RB I got Jacobs (@ Philly), Westbrook (vs. Giants), Knowshon (@ Balt), Beanie Wells (vs. Carolina). I feel douchey asking for so much help, but everyone I bench ends up breaking out, so I am leaving my fate to you.
That might not be wise. Before the season we told some guy to make Forte his keeper instead of Tom Brady. He’s not happy with us.
In descending order of how strongly I feel about them: Jennings, Jacobs, Knowshon, Beanie, Manningham.
Sex: I have been dating my girl for over a year now. We’ve dropped the L-bomb and talk about how were gonna get married down the line. Recently I have found out that she has had a lot more partners than I have, which sorta bothers me but I can get past that. Then I found out she is into some really kinky shit (likes fisting, hasn’t tried bondage but really wants to). This came out of nowhere from her, so now I am wondering what she is still holding back. I am having trouble respecting a girl who has done all this kinky shit with other guys. Tell me I’m not a pussy please.
-VP
Sorry: you’re a pussy. Men existed in her life before you entered it. And guess what, they might have even had bigger dicks! Get over yourself.
Gentlemen,
Sex First: Last weekend, I went out with a good friend, his girlfriend, and his sister. My buddy was being an ass all night, but his sister and I hit it off pretty well and graduated to shamelessly flirting in front of him. She’s really athletic and has pretty killer legs, so I was pleased with the direction this was headed. He called it a night, we went out for more drinks and hanging out, made it back to my place, had some intense making out, and slept in the same bed (no sex). Then, she invites me to her place on Monday…further making out ensues, but again I go home without getting down and dirty with her. Any advice on graduating this from high school making out to full-blown, toe curling, carnal lust? Situations that involve copious amounts of alcohol (for her) would probably help, I imagine.
I feel the following are pertinent facts: 1. She broke off an engagement a month ago. 2. I have a bet with another friend regarding which one of us will nail her first. 3. Holding this over her brother would be really huge for me for the rest of my life. 4. I’m working about a 3 month dry spell right now, which sucks.
5. Your life is the pinnacle of negative stereotypes about frat boys. 6.You’re playing the villain in a 1980s college comedy.
Seriously, how did you write that list without using the word “bro”? Do you have any kind of mental barometer for what assholes do versus what good human beings do? Give the girl some time to get over her broken engagement, call off the bet, let go of your immature desire to use a woman to hurt your friend, and THEN, maybe, you’ll see your three-month dry spell end.
Fantasy: Two of my starting three WRs are locks (Fitty and D. Jackson). Advice on the #3 slot: Nicks (@PHI); Knox (@ CLE); Crabby (@IND). I’m a Giants fan, so I lean toward Nicks, but I have used Knox a few games this year with success (PPR league and return yards/tds count in this league, so that gives Knox a plus). I’m not quite sold on starting Crabby yet. Also, who the fuck is Megatron?
Nicks is a solid play, and Manningham’s hands have been less than stellar lately, so he might get more looks. But I’d look into Cleveland’s special teams coverage before I made the call if I were you.
Megatron is Calvin Johnson. It’s a nickname he got from Roy Williams during his rookie season. Welcome to the blogosphere.
My RB situation always seems to be a crapshoot. Pick two: Slaton (@BUF); Addai (@SF); Grant (@MIN); Hightower (@CAR); F. Jones (@SEA). I liked Grant’s matchups the last couple of weeks, started him two weeks ago and he shit on me, so replaced him with Addai last week and Grant had a great game (for Ryan Grant, that is).
Thanks,
MF
Slaton and Addai. Slaton over Grant is a little bit of a risk, but teams have been running roughshod over the Bills. I’d also strongly consider Felix Jones. I’m not picking him because I prefer guys that are guaranteed to get the touches, but he’s got a chance to break some plays against a Seahawks defense that’s susceptible to long runs.
Dear KSK,
I met my current GF three months ago. We met in a pretty standard way, drunk at a bar. We went home that first night and nothing happened. I’m not a one night stand kind of guy. We didn’t have any type of sex until 6 weeks into our relationship. And actually set a day to be our first time.
The time finally comes. I jerked off 5 times a day leading up to the day so I wouldn’t be a one pump Gump. I get to her apartment that night and it’s all candles and 2 glasses of wine. We ordered pizza (so romantic I know). After food and maybe 2 glasses of wine a piece it gets hot and heavy. Clothes are coming off. When I pulled her shirt off she had an interesting tattoo across her upper abdomen. In about 6 inch solid black old English writing it simply said “FUCK.” Nothing about her ever told me there was a possibility of a giant “FUCK” tattoo. She’s 25, finished with school, has a career (fraud manager), and all that jazz. I obviously do a quintuple take and ask “what the heck is that?” She immediately starts crying and apologizing as she’s pullng her shirt on. We go through all the talking and I come to find she was a bit of a wild child when she was younger and got it when she was 19. I come to find out her hood and nipples were also pierced. She says she regretted it a week after she got it. Her insurance won’t cover the removal and she can’t afford the removal until she finishes paying her student loans. I told her it didn’t bother me, but the mood was ruined for that night.
We have since had great sex (with our shirts on). I think I’m in love with this chick, but the tattoo fucking bothers me to no end. She won’t take her shirt off when we have sex. She has the few times we’ve fucked while drunk, but even then it bothered me. I have told her that it’s not my favorite thing about her but she has no idea how upset it makes me. Am I being selfish about this? I want to be with her, but not with the tattoo. I have not even told my friends about this. Do I tell her it bothers me and potentially crush her or do I bite my tongue and see if this relationship is the real deal and eventually help her pay for the removal.
-Shuan (It’s pronounced Schwan, i hate my parents)
PS-Fantasy: My first two picks this year. LT & Frank Gore. Have you heard of a worse 1-2 pick combo this year?
As much as I’d like to admonish you for your tastes — I have searched my entire adult life for a woman with hidden piercings and a FUCK tattoo — a turn-off is a turn-off. But then, my stomach turns when I see a woman in pearls and a sweater set. To each his own, even if you’re wasting a freaky good time.
One thing’s clear to me: not only are YOU not comfortable with the tattoo, neither is she — and you’re partly to blame for it. The only way that we can conquer our dislike for something is by exposing ourselves to it. So you need to have a talk with your girlfriend. And no, do NOT tell her how much you hate the tattoo, but you do need to stress that it’s gotten in the way of you two furthering your intimacy. You need to start by having sex with your shirts off. Do it in complete darkness at first if you have to. Then add a little bit of light. Get used to seeing the tattoo, even if it’s just in your periphery. (For Christ’s sake! She has pierced nipples! Don’t let her cover that with a shirt.) When you get used to seeing it, force yourself to caress the tattoo. Kiss it. You’re not going to like it at first — and let’s be honest: you may not like it, ever — but facing the thing you don’t like is the only chance you have of liking or accepting it. As my friend Joe said, “I tried hummus 25 times before I liked it.”
And yes, LT and Gore was a horrible 1-2. You should have known better.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
OGRE OGRE OGRE OGRE
Sorry, haven’t read a word, I just get excited about Ogre.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
Damn, I forgot to write in yesterday and missed the cut. Now what am I gonna do?
October 29th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
@might be a baby daddy – take her to the schmushmortion clinic and get a schmushmortion
October 29th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
I don’t know about you other guys with kids, but my wife was extra horny when pregnant.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
Before I even read the whole thing:
To the guy with the crazy girl telling him she’s pregnant:
She will not show until she’s 4, 5 or even 6 months along (unless it’s twins and then before that). You can’t even really tell on some chicks (depending on their body style). If she’s slim, you’ll be able to see it – but if she’s sorta chunky and only gains 15 pounds, you may not see it!
The point being – make her pee on a stick.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
To the law school guy – ALWAYS have sex with her. If you tell her “I don’t feel like it tonight, I’m tired” all she will here is “I don’t want to have sex with you”.
Hit that shit dawg.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
Schwan – how about getting a tattoo over the tattoo? Or, pay for the removal???
October 29th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
Schwan – pay for the removal???
October 29th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
P.S. 7-10 days after conception is technically 3 1/2 weeks pregnant.
You count from the start of the first day of your last period. Conception generally takes place in the middle of the cycle (around day 14, but could be earlier or later depending on her cycle). If she finds out she’s pg 7 days after ovulation (on day 14), she’s 21 days pg at that point.
So – entirely possible.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
My FF league is almost the opposite of that tradehappy office fuckwits’. No trades so far in the league, and I’ve proposed 2 that have been rejected [one preseason and one a few weeks ago]. Any way to change the completely antisocial nature of my fellow managers?
October 29th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Schwan – how about getting a tattoo over the tattoo? Or, pay for the removal???
Yeah, or turning it into a totally awesome tattoo. Here’s my idea:
Put a box around it with a stick at the bottom – turning it into a picket sign. Have a distorted drawing of Dave Attell holding the sign. In the background, there can be a bunch of nuns picketing Attell. You’ll love how edgy and controversial it looks.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
@Rufus: Yo dawg! We heard you hated FUCK tattoos so we put a FUCK tattoo on her FUCK tattoo so you could get turned off while you’re already turned off!
October 29th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
You know, by this point, there should be some basic ground rules that anyone writing in should know:
1. Do not bang a girl dating/married to your brother, friend, cousin, boss or any other guy. Otherwise you are an asshole.
2. Wear a rubber at all times until married (and even then, only till you’re sure she’s not crazy/jealous/has any other condition that’d prevent the two of you from living together happily forever).
3. Your mission in life isn’t to convince her to do anal…but if she offers it, do it. Then come tell us poor souls what it’s like.
4. If you don’t trust her, why are you desperate to stick your most favorite body part in her?
5. When in doubt, ask yourself: would the other league members laugh at this trade/move? Act accordingly.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
I dated a girl that got an awful tattoo on her lower back when she was 18. She had it removed at 22 and it wasn’t that expensive. If you love her borrow her the money or just give it to her. I hated it too. They should move the legal tattooing age to 30.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
Can someone stab the douchebag ‘betting’ on nailing the sister in his balls so he doesn’t spawn more douchebags in order for my future kids won’t ever have to deal with them? Thanks.
Guy who found out about freaky girlfriend: Yes you’re a pussy. Freaky girls are rare, don’t fuck her up for the next guy by rejecting her. Try some of that out and you might find out you enjoy some of it. Or break it off now and send her to me.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
@ pregnant wife guy, if shes only a few months give it time, and make sure and reassure her how hot you think she still is…I was dog leg humping horny after my first few months when the pukies and “oh my god my ass is huge” kinda wore off….I even started feeling sexier as I got bigger.
Preggo figuring out positions is fun, kinda like twister with more belly in the way.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
“But Maclin’s had just one good game, and it’s been an aberration compared to the rest of his season.”
This was obviously written before Kevin Curtis went on the IR and Desean Jackson banged up his foot, right?
October 29th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
the Hopeless: Inviting your possibly preggers ex over and ambushing her with a home preg test with your friends in the apatrment?? This could end VERY badly. Think about it. What are you going to do when she refuses to pee and gets angry? Mob her, jerk her panties down and tickle her til she spewsforth? Assault charges will be filed!
Insisting you go with her to the Doctor is MUCH more sensible.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
I think Shaun was saying she used to have those piercings. I have a suspicious his girl may have been a stripper at one point. Well, at least his description reminds me of a stripper I know who has “CUNT” tattooed in a similar fashion. That said, yeah, just get the money together for the removal. Tell her to get pierced again though.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
and @ bad tattoo guy, the first guy I was all woohoo for had his ex’s name tattoed over his heart….yeah feel your pain.
Loan her the money if she hates it as well to get it re-worked or removed. Tell her you want paid back in sexual favors. Win/Win
October 29th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
I hope the guy wanting to nail his friend’s sister turns out to be the real father of “From the Hopeless”’s girlfriends’ kid(s).
/tune in next week for “As KSK Turns”.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
*suspicion
October 29th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
CC, you’re my favorite :)
October 29th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
As I understood it, Schuan didn’t seem ready/able to pay for the removal, hence my answer.
And Maclin’s numbers still weren’t all that great on Monday night. I think you’d have better option in a 10-team league.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
@Reggie Bush’s Pimp: Last weekend I almost ended my cold streak but due to a lack of condom, and a touch of whisky dick I didn’t. She (bestfriends, gf’s friend) said I didn’t have to worry, but I didn’t want to take the chance. Gonna meet up with her soon just hope she isn’t too crazy since she didn’t care if I wore a condom.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
@Upstate – I know what you mean brother. There were times I literally had to fight my wife off so I could go to work. Other times I just called in sick and plowed away.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
Wonder how long it’s gonna take for Michael Scott to snag a toothy beej…
October 29th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
@ Trying to nail friend’s sister – you sir, are a fucking douchecunt of the highest order. I hope you contract Syphilis and die.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
80s villian – halfway through your “dilemma” I knew you were a fucking Giants fan. Now crawl back into the hole you call Staten Island.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
@Mismatched Sex Drives: Oh sure, M-Uff prints *your* letter. I’m in the exact same situation (except it’s more of a morning + evening thing, which is twice as exhausting) and I haven’t found that there’s much of anything you can do except accepting that you finally got what you wished for and buying some Miracle Balls for your back. The only advice I can give you is that if you *do* cry uncle, make sure you’re doing something constructive with the time. Such as, don’t pass up sex so you can work on your fantasy team lineup, do laundry or the dishes or something instead. In other words, make sure it’s not anything she’ll think you’d *rather* be doing than having sex with her.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
Show your pride in the American Automobile industry, a few quick strokes of the needle will change FUCK ==> BUICK
October 29th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
Hopeless….. if I’m not mistaken, they start counting a woman’s pregnancy time from their last menstration (since ovulation isn’t always easy to nail down) So if she said she was 3 1/2 weeks pregnanct, either 1) she took a preg test *that day*, 2) she’s taken a pregnancy test, but hasn’t gone to the doctor who would tell her she’s 5 1/2 weeks pregnant, or 3) she’s bullshitting you.
As for twinning, without a ultrasound, you can’t know for certain. So she ought to have an ultrasound pic if she’s saying that. If no ultrasound pic, start asking what her HcG levels have been. If she has no idea what you’re talking about, it’s probably all bullshit. http://multiples.about.com/od/pregnancy/tp/aatpsigns.htm
/Mrs. Lebowski is a labor & delivery nurse. My evenings consist of this kind of conversation when I’m really thinking how awesome it is to be starting Wayne, Colston, & V-Jax this weekend after trading Brady away.
October 29th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
I think it is fair for that dude to bang his buddies GF…. they will break up anyway. If anything he is doing his friend a favor. Long live Douche Bags. Nice guys finish last anywayz
October 29th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
Dear Baby Daddy,
This is nothing 2 tickets to Disney and a whole lot of rides cant fix.
October 29th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
@ FUCK Tattoo – Get it doggy style dude.
October 29th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
@ Upstate Underdog
Same here, she wanted some form of ass practically every night. She wasn’t super comfortable with her body but I don’t think I’ve ever gotten so much head as I did while she was preggers. It always lead to sex, what a glorious time.
October 29th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
As I understood it, Schuan didn’t seem ready/able to pay for the removal, hence my answer.
That was the gist I got too. That being said, lending money at that point in the relationship couldn’t be a good idea either.
Maybe we need to work on getting pole dancers better health care.
October 29th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
@Ramrod: you forgot to ask whether or not trading Colston and MJD for TO and Larry Johnson is a good idea or not.
October 29th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
Look at the top picture from “Revenge of the Nerds II”. The other Alpha Betas are drinking water. Ogre’s drinking beer. Awesome.
October 29th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
Pregnancy scare dude:
The same thing happened to me this past summer. She told me she was pregnant the Monday after I broke things off with her. Luckily, I’m a lawyer that knows what’s up with paternity, child support, etc. I told her I was going to file a paternity test action immediately unless she sent something from her doctor indicating that she was actually pregnant. In some states, you can start the court proceedings before the child is born. I asked for her home address so that I didn’t have to have a sheriff serve her at her place of work.
Obviously, if she really was pregnant I would have felt like a dick. I just went with my gut. She wasn’t pregnant. Fucking bitch.
October 29th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
Then I found out she is into some really kinky shit (likes fisting, hasn’t tried bondage but really wants to).
Then I caught the early flight home from San Diego, and a couple nude people jumped out of my bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double-team my girlfriend.
October 29th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
I’ve never understood the “too tired to have sex” thing, esp. from women. Unless you ran a marathon that day, how much effort and time could it possibly require? (shrug) I’ve never been married, maybe that’s why I don’t get it.
Also, women are insulted by the “too tired to have sex” thing because every man on earth tells them that no man is ever too tired to have sex, no matter what. So, you know, either stop saying that shit or be ready to put out on demand.
I am still amused by the “is it wrong to fuck your friend’s wife/girlfriend” questions. No, no, it’s not wrong. They also changed the rules on kicking a puppy or stealing candy from a child (ie, those are cool now, too). And the next time an old lady expects you to hold a door open for her, push in front of that old bitch and let the door slam in her pruny face. Ethics and courtesy are for losers!
October 29th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
I’ve never understood the “too tired to have sex” thing, esp. from women. Unless you ran a marathon that day, how much effort and time could it possibly require? (shrug) I’ve never been married, maybe that’s why I don’t get it.
Also, women are insulted by the “too tired to have sex” thing because every man on earth tells them that no man is ever too tired to have sex, no matter what. So, you know, either stop saying that shit or be ready to put out on demand.
I am still amused by the “is it wrong to fuck your friend’s wife/girlfriend” questions. No, no, it’s not wrong. They also changed the rules on kicking a puppy and stealing candy from a child (ie, those are cool now, too). And the next time an old lady expects you to hold a door open for her, push in front of that old bitch and let the door slam in her pruny face. Ethics and courtesy are for losers!
October 29th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
Slash posts double in order to get double the love from me. I see how it is.
/drafts letter to mailbag
October 29th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
Sorry about the double post. The site is acting kinda wonky (for me, anyway)
RE might be a dad: Yeah, consult an attorney.
RE tattoo: I imagine there are tons of ill-advised tattoos out there, I’m kinda surprised that this is that big of a deal. It could be a LOT worse. Tat could say DADDY or be a giant swastika or some other dude’s name or a picture of Jesus… you should consider yourself lucky it’s just FUCK.
October 29th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
@ Snake the Jake: You didn’t know her home address?
October 29th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
@ tattoo guy:
Come on, it’s not like it says “HIV Positive” or is a picture of a nun being sodomized on a pile of baby ducks. It says “FUCK.” Oh noes, can’t have that in your line of sight while, you know, FUCKING. Jesus wept….
October 29th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
@Slash — Oh, honey, I remember those days. Enjoy it while it lasts.
October 29th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
Anyway, shouldn’t he be worried that she couldn’t think of anything else to have tattooed on her body besides, “Fuck?”
October 29th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
RE mamacita Says:
“@Slash — Oh, honey, I remember those days. Enjoy it while it lasts.”
Well, like I said, not married, and no kids. I know both of those take it outta ya. So what the fuck do I know?
October 29th, 2009 at 5:35 pm
This mailbag is fucking Clapboard Cyanide!
Dude who got his wife preggers – Sigh. Every week we tell you guys, “When you get married, sex eventually stops. When you get her pregnant, sex eventually stops.” You never listen. YOU NEVER LISTEEEEENNNN!!!!!!
Sex with ex : I don’t understand the question. You’ve already had sex. Now you’re stopping because it’s… bad? You’ve already sinned anyways.
Fiance wants to have sex every week – Dear, dear God, what a HORRIBLE dilemma! :|
Dude, what else did you expect when you wrote this mailbag? There’s guys here who get a five minute quickie at 4.30am, right before their kids wake up, once a month. Stop fucking complaining. If having sex once really tired you out so much you can’t focus in fucking LAW SCHOOL the next day, might I suggest getting slightly more in shape?
Alternatively, ask her if you can just eat her out for 20 mins or so. Make her see stars a few times and she’ll be happy. If not, man the fuck up.
Tooth Fairy (teehee, see what I did there?) – It’s ENTIRELY possible that your girlfriend’s mouth is fairly small, and that the reason she’s scraping her teeth along your cock is simply because it’s a little too big for her mouth. (Yes, I just said you had a big cock. You may clap yourself on the shoulder.)
I have the same problem with the missus. Your choices are to either accept the fact it comes with teeth, or to not get blowjobs at all.
Well, I guess if you’re a real asshole you could knock her teeth out with a wrench… I would advice just accepting the teef.
Knocked up Dude – Yeah, you need to get a paternity test. Also, condoms are like five bucks, genius…
She may be lying, or she may not be. In the case she isn’t, offer to pay child support, but tell her you in no way want to be a part of her life. If she’s that fucking crazy, you’ll kill yourself in a year.
Did I mention condoms are cheap? *shakes head*
Old married guy – You’ve been married for ten years, and have sex two or three times a week : FUCK YOU! No, seriously, have you ever considered that if she’s sick she may not FEEL like getting fucked? Is it that bad to have to spank it for a few days? Damn…
Also, what kind of weird ass analogy was that?
L-word guy – You’re a pussy. You’ve got a girl who’s into kinky shit. 3 billion men now fucking hate your ass. Have a pleasant day.
Fratboy : You’re an asshole. Die in a fire. I hope she reads this mailbag, figures out it’s you, then has her brother stab you with a rusty spoon.
Fuck tattoo : I think you’re a bit of a pussy, but I can understand that it’d make you uncomfortable a bit. In the end, however, it’s a tattoo. It can BE REMOVED. It’s not like she has a goddamn cock sticking out of her belly button and is asking you to blow her while you fuck her missionary.
If she’s a nice girl otherwise, and you like being with her, what’s the big deal? She made a mistake. Suck it up and fucking live with it. Nobody’s perfect.
Oh, and as for the “Should I fuck my buddy’s girlfriend?” – Fucking die. Asspipe.
October 29th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
@ long time listener
I knew where she lived but didn’t know her address (big apartment complex with random street names). I could have figured it out after about 5 minutes of research but having her served at work would have been more fun and less work. I only went out with her for about 2-3 weeks.
October 29th, 2009 at 5:38 pm
Speak up about the teeth. Every hotass girl (or for that matter, average girls who date below their league) think they give the best blowjobs, have the best sex. This is because no guy actually opened his mouth and said something earlier because the guys are afraid of getting cut off. It’s like guys think they are dating the fucking Soup Nazi.
Personally, I don’t like the back scratching. Here is the back scratching continuum: tickles>nice>good>not so nice>bad but with cool marks>blood and pain. Guess what I got the last time? What did said redhead say when I complained? “But I have never gotten complaints before???”
October 29th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
@ Snake the Jake: Makes sense. I’m a lawyer too, so I love a good service story.
October 29th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
Ethics and courtesy are for losers!
Preach it Slash! PREACH IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS!
:)
October 29th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
RE tattoo: I imagine there are tons of ill-advised tattoos out there, I’m kinda surprised that this is that big of a deal. It could be a LOT worse. Tat could say DADDY or be a giant swastika or some other dude’s name or a picture of Jesus… you should consider yourself lucky it’s just FUCK.
I’m with the reader on this one. I find tattoos to be an absolute turn off, especially boob art. They’re boobs, WTF? Why would you do something like that to such magnificent things as boobs? Honestly.
It’s personal taste, I’m sure. I somewhat relate it to what kind of decisions that person will make in the future as well as the past.
October 29th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
Men should never EVER be afraid to offer advice on how they like their BJs; everyone is a little different. My first was a guy who was absolutely enormous (although I didn’t realize it at the time, it was the first cock I’d ever seen in those pre-internet days) and I practically had to jump up & down on the monster to get him off. Of course the next guy was normal (although I thought he was tiny until I had collected more data) and I almost killed him before he got the courage to ask me to tone it down a little. I don’t know if there’s a negative correlation between penis size and sensitivity, but it has generally held up in my experience. Anyway, I don’t think any girl would get upset with a little direction when down in that area, if it’s going to make you happy & perhaps help speed up the process. Jaw fatigue can be more painful than you might think.
October 29th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
I’m fairly certain that’s Erin the Secretary from The Office
October 29th, 2009 at 6:18 pm
@Reggie Bush’s Pimp: I didn’t have a fantasy question and since she wasn’t my 2nd cousin I figured people wouldn’t care. Just reading some of these stories makes me feel a little bit better.
October 29th, 2009 at 6:18 pm
@ tattoo guy – my ex-fiancee and i got each others names tattooed on each other when we were 19 (we broke up but are still good friends). her name was milli was i got centi and kilo tattooed above it and just tell people im really into the metric system (i know, im a nerd). she got my name below her belly button and still wears it… tattoos are just markers of a time in life, her boyfriends dont care about it.
October 29th, 2009 at 6:21 pm
I agree in speaking up about the teeth. But I will point out that most women normally don’t put something as big a dick in their mouth. When you eat, you’re not putting dick-sized portions of food in there (accounting for average dick size). So it takes some practice (I’m not an expert or anything, just sayin’, it’s kind of common sense). It’s not like they have dick-sucking classes available at the community college. Not officially, anyway. I feel sure there are probably instructional videos out there… real instructional videos, not porn.
And yeah, lots of chicks think you can’t be too rough on a guy because, well, he’s a guy. I’ve never assumed that anything goes with a penis, but that’s just me. I mean, it is living tissue attached to a human. Maybe some women think that as much as dudes jerk off, their dong has become desensitized or something and needs extreme stimulation or, maybe they don’t really like doing it and think that if they do a bad enough job, he won’t ask for it very much, kinda like how some men do a shitty job at something the wife asks them to do so she’ll never ask him to do it again… Confusing matters is, there’s always some attention whore in the crowd or comment thread who wants everyone to know how “freaky” they are by going on about how much they love/their boyfriend loves being scratched, bitten, etc. Regular fucking isn’t enough for these people, it’s gotta be painful, too, ’cause they’re hardcore like dat. And the rest of us just don’t know what we’re missing by not having scratches and bite marks on our goodies.
RE tattoo: I agree, I think giant tats on chicks (and especially on boobs) are gross, but just sayin’, it could be worse. I mean, the guy likes her but has to deal with the tattoo. I’m trying to make him see the bright side, so to speak. If you have to choose, which one would you rather see in giant letters on your girlfriend’s torso: FUCK or DADDY?
October 29th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
Tattoo: If you actually love somebody, you wouldn’t give a shit. Let it go. She obviously feels about the same as you. Dont look at it, mmkay. And dont get her preggo, or that tattoo will only get worse.
“frat boy” Douche Bag: I propose a motion that anybody whos that big of a dick should not get his question answered.
Kinky shit guy: Lucky bastard. STFU. Grow a pair and have some fun.
Too much sex wife guy: See above.
Why are all the posters pussies who cant handle some fun this week?
October 29th, 2009 at 7:20 pm
the post so nice we read it twice
October 29th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
Wear two condoms every time you get near FUCK girl. I can’t believe you actually think you may have a future with a chick like that. Who wants a future with a chick like that? Unless you’re a meth-head tweaker, then it’ll probably work out great. Like any normal person would see that and not run the fuck out the door. I still like In N Out more than shitty ‘ol Fatburger.
October 29th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
Help me out with fantasy, please. Need to fill 2 RB spots and a RB/WR Flex with these 4 guys. Thomas Jones (vs MIA)-pretty much a lock, Ryan Grant (vs MIN), Justin Fargas (@SD), and Tiny Darren (vs OAK). Who do I sit?
October 29th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
Bad tattoos baffle me. Personally, I would like more of a back story on the “FUCK” tattoo.
Was it meant as a directive? “FUCK ME NOW!”
A declaration of her hotness? “Fuck, I’m hot!”
Some deep-seeded hatred? “FUCKIN’ FUCKS!”
Or maybe a comment, sort of a state-of-the-union situation, “FUCK…man…”
Maybe I’m a tad judgmental, but doesn’t it call into question this broad’s decision-making abilities if not her overall intellect? Daddy issues?
October 29th, 2009 at 7:39 pm
New Rule:
If you made a bet about nailing his sister because she’s on a rebound and you want to wave it in his face, you are not a friend and you probably don’t deserve to continue having a penis. Also: if you act like a total prick to everyone in your life, sooner or later someone will realize this, grab a knife and take matters into his/her own hands.
October 29th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
[i]Nope. Be a good husband: bring her chicken soup and flowers, and go out of your way to take care of the kids so she doesn’t have to. The payoff on the backend will be considerably better sex.[/i]
Payoff on the backend? So you think the wife should be giving up anal? Gotcha.
October 29th, 2009 at 8:28 pm
Someone might want to mention to that jackass completely about getting hummers all the time that Vernon Davis is playing the Colts, not the Texans, this week
October 29th, 2009 at 8:40 pm
there are such things as herbal abortives folks… offer her a nice cup of tea >.>
October 29th, 2009 at 8:51 pm
Might Be A Baby Daddy:
She’s bullshitting you. Call her out on it.
October 29th, 2009 at 8:51 pm
Re: 80s teen sex comedy villain – None of those are fratty. Not even remotely. In fact, I have GDI friends from college that were significantly more “fratty” than my frat brothers. Oddly enough, my frat brothers tended to be more respectful to our women guests than the randoms were.
Here’s why I fail to see problems:
- Engagement. So she just dumped her fiance. Who cares? If she weren’t interested, she wouldn’t have taken him home. I mean, if you get almost to the altar, and you chicken out, it’s probably for a reason, right?
- Bet. Oh please, like you’ve never gone to a bar and made a bet with one of your boys and said “Whoever gets that girl’s number gets a shot” or some shit. It’s just high stakes, versus penny games.
- Her Bro. Her brother’s a douchebag. You don’t like him. What better way to illustrate that you don’t like him than by doing horrible and degrading things to his sister? I mean, who hasn’t gotten into an argument with some guy and wished they could go “Oh yeah? Well I fucked your sister in the ass.” I mean, how do you come back from that? It’s like dropping the mic, 8 Mile style.
- Dry spell. 3 months? Get some, by any means necessary. I mean, if you’re desperate, who gives a fuck?
Re: Crazy Preggers Guy – I’d demand to go to her next OB/GYN and talk to her doctor. If she declines, demand a pregnancy test. If she declines, I hope you like nachos, because that’s not (ch)yo kid! Also, have the little fucker DNA tested ASAP. In the words of Kanye West “She got one of yo kids/got you for 18 years…Cause when she leave yo ass she gone leave with half/18 years, 18 years/And on her 18th birthday he found out it wasn’t his”. Think about that for a bit.
October 29th, 2009 at 9:16 pm
1.The tattoo is on her upper abdomen not on her tits.
2.She no longer has her piercings. She got them and the tattoo within a week of each other when she was 19. She wasn’t messed up or anything, just made a 19 year old decision. She took the piercings out 3 weeks after she got them and regretted the tattoo. When I asked why she choose “FUCK” it’s because she thought it would be funny. She was 19.
3.I have the money to pay for it, but we’ve only been dating 3 months. Maybe after 6 months or a year I’ll consider just buying it for her.
4.She thought about having it modified, but doesn’t want any kind of tattoo period.
5.It bothers me because it’s the least classy thing ever. At least it’s not a tramp stamp I guess.
6.Tomorrow night I’m going to write “FUCK” in permanent marker on my stomach and see if it gets a laugh out of her.
October 29th, 2009 at 9:21 pm
I like the idea of changing FUCK into something less offensive as a cheap alternative to removal. What would be hotter than pulling up her shirt and seeing EWOK emblazoned on her tummy?
October 29th, 2009 at 9:23 pm
Monkey Business…
“Here’s why I fail to see problems:”
1) You’re a frat guy.
October 29th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
Hopeless – I feel for you. I had a crazy chick in college that tried to pull that shit on me. Like you, I tried to be supportive and went through a world of shit before I found out she was faking. Her roommates knew, but didn’t feel compelled to tell me – some girls are twisted. Fortunately, I’ve adjusted, but do yourself a favor and have her take a preggers test in your presence or go to the doctor’s office with her. Given the circumstances, it’s not that much to ask. And the boys are right – wrap it up!
VP – you’re a pussy. both for the fantasy question and the sex stuff. As far as fantasy, I have Jennings and Collie, and no way is Jennings at the top of that list. He’s hit or miss (mostly miss this season) and faces a tough Minny D when Rodgers is struggling to get time to throw. he might make the cut, but as a gmable not a lock. Collie, however, could be Indy’s #1 this week. Gonzo may play but a handful at most, and Wayne is going to be active but nursing a groin injury and those tend to come back to kick you in the balls. Play Collie.
October 29th, 2009 at 9:56 pm
Would you guys stop calling kinky sex guy a pussy? Not everyone on the planet is into bondage and fisting. There’s nothing wrong with that. There are many guys, like myself, who are into anything and everything so long as pain isn’t involved. If that makes us pussies, then I have a two part question for you.
October 29th, 2009 at 10:05 pm
Yeah, I’m with BBR. If not getting turned on by a woman stomping me in the balls makes me a pussy, then so be it.
October 29th, 2009 at 10:19 pm
@ BrentFarve, the lawyer not-so-much in love:
I . . . I hate you. I hate you with the brilliant, ruby-red clarity of a laser beam; at once I am become death, the destroyer of worlds, J. Robertmotherfucking Oppengoddamnheimer his own fucking self; and the atomic glare of my hate will be the last thing you see before a single fucking glance of my animosity slices through the aqueous orb of your eye and commences to sear through the optic nerve to your brain. I am the large hadron collider of hate; in each of a hundred thousand loops through the underground tunnel, my hate is accelerated and intensified, a particle at a time, until it connects with the target, tearing it asunder into the two most basic elements of physics: hate and more hate. You may die in the fire of a thousand exploding stars at the ends of the galaxy at your convenience, may it please the court.
A lawyer. Who gets too much sex. A lawyer.
FUCK YOU!
/ involuntarily geographically seperated from my wife while we hold down jobs in different time zones
//no, skype is not a solution
///actually, I’ve had the “too much sex” thing before, fiance found it adorable at the time when I manfully owned up to the problem and requested some down time, though I was having a nervous breakdown about work issues and had to get that stress under control before a return to the sack
//// still want you to die
October 29th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
LT in the first round? What is this? 2006?
October 29th, 2009 at 11:25 pm
Hopeless –
“while she’s there, this seems like a good time to talk about getting lawyers to draw up what kind of child support there should be”
Listen to these guys about this, if nothing else.
I’m an attorney, working in family law. You do NOT want to wait until you figure out there is a kid, it’s yours, and that you still really don’t like the crazy-ass mom before you decide to have a child support agreement in place. Call a lawyer.
October 30th, 2009 at 12:13 am
Do you guys really always wear condoms? I recently used one for the first time in 3+ years and it was terrible. Sure it’s great to last the extra 10 minutes and almost-have-a-heart-attack/smash-the-fuck-out-of-that-pussy but christ I felt like I was 14 and using a tube sock. Besides pulling out and Pollacking that ass/stomach/tits/(occassional face) does wonders for the bank.
Don’t start the STD rant because my body count isn’t that high during these years due to not being a one night stand guy yet take pride in my retention ratio- these things tend to pre-screen most of the risk out I think.
I appreciate the fact that, as CC pointed out, we are human beings- fucking latex is not part of the natural intimate and/or carnal act in my book.
October 30th, 2009 at 12:44 am
5. Your life is the pinnacle of negative stereotypes about frat boys. 6.You’re playing the villain in a 1980s college comedy.
I’m a former frat boy (frat MAN, dad). I wouldn’t take that as an insult. Woooooo!
October 30th, 2009 at 1:04 am
I too hate my parents. It’s pronounced P-owl.
October 30th, 2009 at 1:26 am
Greetings gang,
First off, Mr CC has been dealing tonight. Dealing I tell you. His first response porn attack team offered the best advice I have seen from the boys ever. Thanks Uff! If I steal some of your shit, think of it as an homage.
BrentFavre: It sounds like there is something else that you don’t like about her. If you really cared, that wouldn’t be a major driving issue. What is it?
Girlfriend Scrapes Dick: (my new native name) Ask her to let up a bit. I suggest waiting until after you come. Penis Scrapage can last weeks and spoil all of the lower penis base excitement. Ooh! quick question, does she have a tongue piercing? The one who gave me the most lower base issues had a stud in the tongue. Avoid the cross-forehead correction smack. Many female take this the wrong way.
VP: Fisting?
Hi Carolinagirl, I am here to assist you with all of your inquiries into real estate investments and oral sex. I have the answers you are looking for.
/Rents condo
October 30th, 2009 at 1:51 am
@: chronic. Go ahead and give Ryan Grant the day off. Trust me on this. Have I ever lied to you?
October 30th, 2009 at 2:31 am
Law School Dude: I can understand where your coming from. I have friends in law school and they always moan about how much work they have. The best thing is to even give in or tell her that you need to have the time to study.
Unless your having 3 hour sex sessions, you can find time to do work.
@Johnsonville: That is the new secretary from the Office, her name is Ellie Kemper. She attended Princeton when a friend of mine went there.
From this we learn a lesson, nailing a Theater/Improv chick in College could give you bragging rights down the road.
October 30th, 2009 at 7:40 am
@Tattoo Guy: My wife has a boob tattoo that I didn’t find appealing at first, but I learned to live with it. I can understand your plight, but the bottom line is that she made a poor choice when she was young and it really has nothing to do with you. Don’t make her feel any worse about it. Good luck.
October 30th, 2009 at 7:47 am
@Shuan pronounced Schwan: Wait until you get married and your wife has two kids that carry way forward and what you’re looking at is not a tattoo but the Jimeny Christmas Holy Shit Queen of All Stretchmarks.
Trust me, if I can get past that — and it took me a couple of years — you can get past a bad paint job.
Here’s a few things that worked for me:
Camisols
Corsets
Sex with the lights off
Taking showers together and forcing myself to look at them and realizing they weren’t going to kill me
Cunnilingus (she likes it, you don’t have to look up)
October 30th, 2009 at 8:43 am
Pregnant guy- pregnant sex is great, and I thought most women got hornier for whatever reason. Best sex I had in my 12 yrs of marriage.
Blowjob teeth guy- speaking of 12 yrs of marriage, I didn’t get head for 10 yrs except for 2 min on my 30th b-day where she cried like I was raping her. Total mood kill. Anyway I have no sympathy for anyone whose girl even tries.
Bunch of guys before you person- my wife had more than me by like a multiple of 6 or 7. Now I was low but I had more than 5. Plus we were both in the army and in the barracks, I knew quite a few of the past fucks. But in the end she stopped on me, so whatever I did was enough to settle her down. I never cared about how many she had, more my ridiculously low number of my own partners. Point is if you’re the one, at least you know she has plenty of people to judge against you and is making an informed decision
October 30th, 2009 at 10:15 am
@Tattoo guy: Hey, if you really like the girl, cool. Just a word of warning: Stupid 19 year-old mistake or not, people don’t change. It takes something special to get “FUCK” tattooed on your body; that something special is still there. So she may regret that bad decision, but there are plenty more to come. If she’s worth it, then I say good luck.
October 30th, 2009 at 10:20 am
Law School Guy: dude, take all the sex you can get. That well will run dry one day. And seriously, if you’re too tired in October, this had better be your first year.
Law school/grad school rant for all you kids out there: grad school is not college, it is work. Treat it ike a job. Get up early. Put in 6 to 8 hours a day (with an hour built in for KSK, of course). Do this and you will sleep like a babythe night before your finals while most of your classmates are craming until 4 in the morning.
God I feel like an old man.
October 30th, 2009 at 11:10 am
@ Tattoo – I tried to find a clip of ‘NewsRadio’ where Andy Dick gets a tattoo on his stomach and at some point pulls his shirt up and screams, “REVOLUTION!!!” even though the tattoo reads ‘Mayhem’.
p.s. – I failed in this task.
October 30th, 2009 at 11:29 am
Snake the Jake: it does sound like you’re kind of a dick. sorry. one lawyer to another.
October 30th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Anyone else seen Ogre (aka Donald Gibb) as a viking in the Capital One commercial?
Young Ogre: Cool. Old Ogre: pathetic.
Poor guy… he *really* needs JCVD to make a Bloodsport sequel.
October 30th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
@ CR
You’re right. I was about 90% sure she was being untruthful though. Normally, I’m pretty nice.
October 30th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
A man like MF…got a great empty hole right through the middle of him. He can never sister-bang enough
or bro it up enough…or inflict enough pain to ever fill it.
October 30th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
@ Tattoo:
I got my ex her first tattoo, her nickname adorned with flowers and butterflies.
We saw each other 2 years after breaking up,she now had 13 (13!) tattoos, one of which said “Fuck You”, only in Chinese.
When I asked her why (she is gorgeous, tall, blond) she could not come up with an answer. My gut instinct is that she was unhappy with life, temporarily at least, and she turned to damaging behavior. It does not mean she is crazy, as some Kommenters have noted, or that she has permanent decision making problems; tattoos and piercings are means of self expression more than anything else, and maybe, at the age of 19m, she had some shit to deal with.
If you like her, man up, understand that not everybody kicks and screams and goes to therapy when upset; some of us get tattoos we regret. This is her scar, and when you love somebody, you love their scars too.
As for fantasy football, my first two picks this year were LDT and Jennings. I curse a lot on Sundays.
October 30th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Snake the Jake: well ok. Sometimes you gotta be an asshole I guess.
October 30th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
@Stonecutter,
That is some tremendous advice to law school guy. Brent Favre, if you aren’t a 1L, then you really have no excuse to be this stressed out, because you either graded onto law review first year, or you didn’t, in which case you know if you have a shot at a big firm in the next year or two. If you are a 1L, treat it like a job, but don’t let it consume you. One of the biggest mistakes that I made 1L was not occasionally taking a half hour from jamming Glannon on Civil Procedure or the Con Law Horn Book into my brain to go jogging, play some soccer, or lift weights. There was a negative feedback and I’d get stressed more, work out less, eat more, and ended up gaining like 18 lbs. each of my first two years and having to spend the summers busting my ass off at the gym to take the weight off.
Bottom line, at least take the time to be intimate through a relaxing hot shower in the evenings, a romantic walk around the block, or cuddling in front of the TV, but I would imagine that if you let her start performing some oral, you should be good to go. Or take one like a champ and let her ride your face like it’s the freaking rodeo for 10 minutes.
October 30th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Considering MF said he was a Giants fan, I can see that yes, he is a douche. Living in NJ and surrounded by Giants fans (17 out of 20, with 1 of the others being a ‘Boys fan, 1 a Jets fan, and 1 random), I have quite a lot of run ins with douches and Giants fans. I’ve come to learn those terms are interchangeable.
As a member of a fraternity myself, I must say though, I resemble that remark.
October 30th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
Schwan,
I would ask her to tattoo “Me Schwan” underneath it.
October 30th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
Baby May Be Yours –
I went through this about 3 years ago. Don’t go to appointments and be there for baby kicks until you know it’s yours. I did all that and bought a crib and clothes and toys and read baby books and went to ultrasounds and checkups and went out to buy pickles in a bag (because regular pickles are just shitty I guess) and get Arbys and Taco bell at 3 in the morning- only to find out about a week after she was born, the baby wasn’t mine. I didn’t want to miss out on anything with the baby, but in reality, what are you missing? They’ll never know. And if you aren’t in a relationship with the girl, who cares about how she feels and helping her out with baby stuff? Get a DNA test while she’s pregnant or wait till it’s born and then get one. STAY AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
October 30th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
And From the Hopeless – whatever you do (I know this wasn’t brought up), don’t marry her. When you’re married and she has the kid your responsible for it regardless of what the DNA test says (in many states). Fucking crazy bullshit.
October 30th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
Good points CobraCommander, but people don’t change. Your ex couldn’t come up with an answer because she most likely doesn’t want to think about what the honest answer really is.
Tattoo guy: Look at it this way: This is how she views “permanent” decisions. What happens when she regrets getting married?
October 30th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
@ YinzJumboReddUpN’at? (dude, wtf?)
That was some EPIC hate there, brother. Bravo.
October 31st, 2009 at 12:04 am
RE Tattoo Guy Says:
“Tomorrow night I’m going to write “FUCK” in permanent marker on my stomach and see if it gets a laugh out of her.”
See, now I find this charming as shit. I hope it works (or has worked, since I’m typing this at 11:00 PM CST).
It’s a tattoo. It’s not a kid or stint in prison. It is reversible. So no reason for anybody to judge her too harshly over it. 19-year-olds have done much dumber things.
October 31st, 2009 at 4:45 pm
Wait, so are you allowed to not have sex with her every night? I love my gf dearly, and the lovingtime is never bad, but sometimes I just want to to go to sleep after a 5 am wakeup for work. That’s kosher, right?
November 4th, 2009 at 10:33 am
@Pauwel, Shaun – Guys, this is the US, you can pronounce your names any way you want to.