Fortune’s Reversal Transmutes Cincinnatus Sorrow to Contented Indifference
How comforting is the embrace of Maiden Victory!
I wish I could describe the ardor of her bosom as I shake my face violently into it. Pillowy is an apt descriptor. And it is this pillowy sensation that tells me that the Bengali Tygers are a force with which to be reckont. Few considert the prospect of success against the Metallurgists of Pittsburgh or the Recidivist Murderers of Baltimore. But slain they both were by our efforts!
Oh, We did feast on pillows those nights.
Still: all is not sunshine and heaving Victory bosoms in Cincinnatus. The townsfolk do not fill the galleries to their capacity! I do not think it is the work of the vainglory to suppose that a team that has achieved as ours has would be a spectacle to behold. The traveling show of oddities and wonderments must be stationed nearby. Personally, such things do not capture my attention for long, but then I am not a native-born Cincinnatan.
What is more, the thriving play of Good Sir Palmer has compelled my haymakers to reside in mothballs. I need not tell you that is not the natural state for haymakers. They ache for satisfaction, but I cannot grant them indulgence. Each night at rest, dreams show me targets for the haymakers, but the mighty arms are manacled to the wall. For this, I sometimes fear sleep. Sensing my anxiety for activity, ownership bade me into the streets to gather the townsfolk into his makeshift “jungle” dwelling. Perhaps if they espied my keen sense of excitement and bulging musculature, the women would be brought to a point of hysterical arousal and would force their male associates to escort them to the “jungle”.
I askt the ownership whether I would be furnisht a mode of transport to move about the townsfolk. Dirty though it may be, Cincinnatus is a sizeable place. Yes, he exclaimed, you shall ride shank’s pony.
Such flippancy.
So my endeavor begins. Venture I must about Cincinnatus displaying the bulges that invite arousal in the muliebrities. First, there is the arm bulge. Observe its distinct slope and veiny articulation. This is usually enough to excite most maidens. When the arm bulges prove insufficient, the pectoral bounce. See the torso bulges bound and be astoundt. A snake charmer taught me this tactic in a foreign land and it has failt on only three occasions. It was on those three when I was forced to employ a special, secretive nether bulge.
Polite discourse does not allow me to speak of this one.
Tags: bengali tygers of cincinnatus, jt o'sullivan, look out itchy an irishman, mailbag is coming so shut your yap, xmas ape
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October 15th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
Out-fucking-standing.
It is my contention that Sir J.T. O’Sullivan is without question the most underrated character to grace the pages of this comedic venture known as Kissing Suzy Kolber.
October 15th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
Awesome. I’ve been running a little low on vainglory.
October 15th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Look out, Itchy, he’s Irish!
October 15th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
The traveling show of oddities and wonderments must be stationed nearby.
Yeah – there are skylines all over that fucking town.
October 15th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
O Fortuna! Such is one’s lot that haymakers of legend be restrained for the greater benefit! Mayhaps I shall ply a new trade for the Football Raiders of the Oakenland, where a man need not restrain haymakers as long as he is the headmaster of such an assembly.
October 15th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
Bravo and thank you, Ape. Love the O’Sullivan posts.
/made up for the Jimmy Football thing 10 times over
October 15th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
O’sullivans are way better than mailbags!
October 15th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Alas, the haymakers must be shelved until such time as the good Sir Palmer no longer provides the very definition of “clutch” and “chemistry”, or whatever other such sundry terms that large, coffee-scented herald from “Sports Illustrated” is wont to bandy about. The man puzzles me, for he seems to have a wanton and insatiable desire for the gloves of the receiving-men, as the gold-toothed nincompoop informed me on the morn before launching into yet another incomprehensible ramble about some contrivance called a “car-boat”.
I wonder at this obese fellow’s obsession with the gauntlets of the lesser beings. Let him seek the gloves of the Quartered-back! I shall supply him with all the glove he needs, and more! Lo, what a robust and supple target for haymakers his visage would be! I wait anxiously for his return to Cincinnatus.
/tl;dr
October 15th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
We were long overdue for a JT O”Sullivan post. Nice work Ape.
October 15th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
Recidivist Murderers of Baltimore
Personally, such things do not capture my attention for long, but then I am not a native-born Cincinnatan.
Fucking Awesome!!
October 15th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
Monty – 1
October 15th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
Hilarious. When is O’sullivan going to engage in fisticuffs with fellow back-up Michael Vick?
October 15th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
I wish I could describe the ardor of her bosom as I shake my face violently into it. Pillowy is an apt descriptor.
That might be the classiest (and sexiest?) description of motorboating in the history of testosterone. Well done, Yuletide Primate…
October 15th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Ape – quit trying to jedi mind trick Cincinnati fans into buying tickets and financially supporting our asshole owner or I’ll have to steal your thunder on another Blogs with Balls panel.
Every Pittsburgh fan knows Mike Brown is their real 12th man.
October 15th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Bully!
Love these posts. In the midst of his Steelers love, I tend to forget Xmas Ape is quite the witty guy.
October 15th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
God, I wish O’Sullivan would pull a starting job so we could have this every week.
BTW, did anyone else notice the creative spelling of “extension” in the headline of that newspaper article? Somehow Cincinnati is emerging as the dumbest town in the AFC North, and that’s saying something.
October 15th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
Oh, We did feast on pillows those nights.
Somebody should tell J.T. that pillow-biting means something entirely different. And Brady Quinn just volunteered.
October 15th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
Don’t know whose voice that is in my head when I read these, but it’s still awesome!
Ape, do you own a thesaurus circa 1834?
October 15th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Great JT O Sullivan post… Never gets old..
I love the “natural state of haymakers” comment. Quite hilarious.
I’d love to see JT get moved to the browns or something.
October 15th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
“…Metallurgists of Pittsburgh or the Recidivist Murderers of Baltimore.”
+2
October 15th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
J.T O’sullivan > MailBag
October 15th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
These posts are unparalleled in the interwebs. I’ve reread all of them many times.
October 15th, 2009 at 10:19 pm
In the mid-19th century, Cincinnati was known as “Porkopolis.” Seriously. Ape should work this into later posts. Just a thought.
October 15th, 2009 at 11:14 pm
Love Messr. O’Sullivan every time. I know this is a major threadjack but it just dawned on me. Being an older guy I’ve seen a lot more bad tv than some of you. In light of that I wonder if any of you recall the old show named “Hazel”, or even recall what she looked like. What just dawned on me is PK bears a striking resemblance to Hazel. Anyone?…..Anyone?
/shows self out
October 16th, 2009 at 12:04 am
Porkopolis, you say?
October 16th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
sweet and sour Christ that was funny.
October 16th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Would those Tygers be from Cinncinnatus NY?
http://tinyurl.com/yl8m3e3
October 16th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
Sir:
Upon opening my news-paper this morning, I was pleased to discover Messr. O’Sullivan’s recent essay on the subject of his perambulations about Cincinnati. Your correspondent reviewed with interest the essayist’s ruminations on his method of attracting suitable female companionship by means of the display of his physique. Your correspondent must contrast the prescribed technique with his own preferred approach, which involves the extensive use of ethylated spirits; both injested by your correspondent and, with more liberal application, by the candidate in question.
Yours very sincerely,
Col. Sir Cadwalader Bracegirdle, 1st Baron Smallbone, GCB, KSI.
October 17th, 2009 at 11:01 pm
Sometimes I really wish I was born in the early 1900s… It probably wouldn’t have been as funny back then though. haha