titans cheerleader

The Colts are back on prime time television for the third time this season, and thank god, because I was beginning to forget what Peyton Manning looks like. Tonight’s match up isn’t exactly the gem it was supposed to be when the schedule came out, but it can’t be much worse than the average Week 5 game. Jesus, even the close afternoon games made me want to drink bleach.

After sitting through those horseshit games we deserve a prime time affair that’s both competitive and entertaining. Instead we’re forced to make due with with undefeated Indianapolis Colts going up against the winless Tennessee Titans. Fuck.

In case you’re just arriving back home after an eventful afternoon of pumpkin picking, here’s what you missed.

• Chad Ochocinco was nearly decapitated by Ray Lewis…

ocho dead

…but he isn’t mad at his big brother.

ocho tweet

Yeah, they should probably book him some time in the CAT scan machine just to be on the safe side.

• Owen Schmitt got a little bit too excited during pregame introductions.

owen schmitt

But hey, it worked. Seattle kicked the living shit out of the Jaguars, and eventually Schmitt stopped bleeding.

• Miles Fucking Austin.

Dallas played like crap all day, of course they played the Chiefs, so that wasn’t about to stop them from winning. Austin broke the Cowboys franchise record with 250 receiving yards on the day.

• Dre Bly is going to get a good look at Mike Singletary’s ass after this display of dumbfuckery.

• Denver beat the Patriots in overtime to remain undefeated. Pretty much everyone looked ridiculous. You really have to hand it to Josh McDan…WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING?

mcdanielsheil

Did Mr. Peanut put you up to this? You know what, I don’t even care. If being a Nazi helps you beat the Patriots then I say go for it, you beautiful goose-stepping bastard.

• Buffalo’s offensive line had a bit of trouble in their loss to the Browns. They were called for false start penalties an impressive nine times.

nine times


NIIIIIIINE TIIIIIIMES

• The Redskins shit the bed, giving another previously winless team their first taste of success this season. Get ready to celebrate, Chiefs, because you’re on deck. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go kill myself.

Enjoy Sunday Night Football, and try to resist the urge to watch baseball.