Coach Ryan Likes Hot Dogs
Mark Sanchez: Felt good to get back in the win column again, Thomas.
Thomas Jones: Yup.
Sanchez: Who we got this week? Miami? That’s gonna be a toughie.
Jones: Yup.
Sanchez: Heard about Coach Ryan chewing me out in the media over that hot dog?
Jones: Yup.
Sanchez: You think he’s really that mad about it?
Jones: We’ll see.
(door flies open, smell of McDonald’s wafts in)
Ryan: HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOYS?
Sanchez: Good, coach.
Ryan: What a morning. WHAT A FUCKING MORNING. Men, I don’t mean to boast, but I took a sixty-minute shit this morning. SIXTY MINUTES. With no lollygagging. There was shit coming out of my ass for sixty minutes straight. NOW THAT’S HOW YOU ENJOY A MCGRIDDLE! NACHO? WHERE THE FUCK IS NACHO?
Sanchez: Right here, Sir.
Ryan: Nacho, from now on, your new nickname is Jalapeno! Because you’re Mexican, and Mexicans are spicy! Now Jalapeno, I heard you were eating a fucking HOT DOG on the sidelines last week. Or a perro caliente, as your people would say.
Sanchez: I was, coach. I’m sorry. It was disrespectful and I know that.
Ryan: Damn right it was! I expect you to show some professionalism!
Sanchez: Yes, coach.
Ryan: And I expect you to RESPECT your opponent. To treat them as you would want to be treated (stifles laughter).
Sanchez: Yes, coach.
Ryan: You know what you have to do now, don’t you, Jalapeno? I expect a 300-word, typed apology note to Al Davis. (stifles laughter, turns blue) And I expect it on my desk in the morning!
Sanchez: Yes, coach.
Ryan: And I expect that note to read… HEY YOU OLD FAGGOT, SEE YOU IN FUCKING HELL!!!!! BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Sanchez: You’re not mad?
Ryan: Hell no, son! I tell those media shitheads whatever it is they have to hear. FUCK RESPECTING THOSE ASSHOLES! KILLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!
(everyone cheers)
Ryan: Now, men. Jalapeno here was caught disrespecting his opponent last week. BUT HE DIDN’T DO IT THE REX RYAN WAY! Jalapeno, next time you eat on the sidelines, I expect you to be eating a Black Jack Taco, or a Taco Salad, or something else that reminds me of your Mexicanness. AND THERE’S NO REASON TO STOP AT TACOS!
(smells own armpit)
This week, I’ve commissioned a full sideline spread for your enjoyment. Cold Cuts. Chips. Potato Salad. You take a cup of that potato salad, and you put it in your fucking shorts, and you smear it on Ricky Williams and tell him it’s your chunky cum! HE’LL STILL EAT IT!
(everyone cheers)
Ryan: And we don’t have to stop at food! WHO’S GAME FOR SIDELINE PUSSY? IS EVERYONE GAME FOR A LITTLE SIDELINE PUSSY?
(everyone cheers)
Ryan: Jones, how about we dress one of them there cheerleaders up like a white girl and you take her to the fucking house?
Jones: Oh, I don’t know…
Ryan: OH! OH! OUR FRIEND JONESY HERE HAS GOT A TASTE FOR THE WHITE TAIL! OH YEAH!!!!
Now, it’s the time of week where we have our solemn team prayer. Father McLaughlin?
Father McLaughlin: Would you all please take a knee and pray with me.
(everyone kneels)
Father McLaughlin: Blessed Father, we are thankful to you for the opportunity to compete on Sunday. We will play hard in your honor. And we will honor the memory of teammates who sacrificed their bodies for the sake of us and Your glory, as Leon did last week.
Ryan: Broke his leg like a fucking MAN, Father.
Father McLaughlin: Shhhhhh!
Ryan: Sorry. (opens very noisy bag of corn chips)
Father McLaughlin: Shhhhhh!
Ryan: Sorry again.
Father McLaughlin: Oh Holy Father, we experienced great joy and triumph last week in defeating our opponent, but we know the path You have laid out for us will never be an easy one. It will be fraught with adversity, and it will force us to make decisions we may not care to make. But we take comfort in knowing that the obstacles You place before us will only serve to strengthen our resolve and determination. They are Your gift. Your grace. And so we thank You for this test of gumption. We will never let You down, oh Lord. Never. We ask You today for the courage and strength to face whatever may come upon us, and we wish nothing but happiness and good health for those we would endeavor to defeat…
Ryan: Whoa whoa whoa, Father. Gonna have to cut you off there. No need for that mercy shit.
Father McLaughlin: But it’s a fundamental tenet…
Ryan: Yeah yeah yeah, God is nice blah blah blah. THANK YOU, FATHER. EVERYONE SAY AMEN AND THANK THE SHIT OUT OF FATHER MCLAUGHLIN.
Everyone: Amen. Thank you, Father.
Father McLaughlin: God be with you.
(leaves)
Ryan: Okay, he’s done praying and so am I. You listen to me, men. You men aren’t here today because of God. You are here because you are fucking WINNERS. You understand me? God didn’t make you a winner. Life ain’t no fucking divine lottery. You’re here because you made it fucking happen. YOU kicked ass in high school. YOU took your college team to a bowl game and fucked everything that moved afterwards. YOU did that. I don’t see God’s strings pulling your arms and legs around. No one, not even God, is gonna give you SHIT in this world. Lie down in the gutter sometime and see where God floats you. He didn’t put you on this Earth to lay down like a fucking dog. He put you on this earth to KILLLLL! AND FUCK! AND TEAR THOSE COCKSUCKERS IN HALF!
(everyone cheers)
The men who know fucking TAKE it. They don’t waste time. They don’t hope someone else does it for them. They don’t wait for a fucking sign from above. AND THEY NEVER EVER ASK FOR PERMISSION. They fucking TAKE that glory and they fucking ream the shit out of it.
There are gonna be fifty some odd men on that other sideline on Sunday who wanna take something from you. And three weeks ago, they did just that. DON’T FUCKING LET THEM DO IT AGAIN. DON’T LET THEM COME INTO THIS FUCKING CITY AND TAKE YOUR FUCKING GLORY. That shit is YOURS. It sure as fuck isn’t Tony Sparano’s. That fat fuck. YOU WILL FUCKING GO OUT THERE, AND YOU WILL KICK THOSE FUCKERS RIGHT IN THE BALLS. AND THEN YOU WILL EAT SLOPPY JOE’S OFF OF THEIR WIVES’ TITS!
EVERYONE GIVE ME A FUCK YEAH!
Everyone: FUCK YEAH!
Ryan: You gonna let these fuckers come into our house and eat hot dogs?
Everyone: FUCK NO!
Ryan: You gonna apologize for kicking ass?
Everyone: FUCK NO!
Ryan: You gonna have mercy on those pricks?
Everyone: FUCK NO!
Ryan: THAN LET’S DO IT! LET’S FUCKING MURDER THOSE COCKS! THEN IT’S PUSSY AND HOT DOGS ALL THE WAY HOME! FIRE UP THE HEBREW NATIONALS! GO GO GO!
(everyone cheers)
Oh, shit. It’s three o’clock! Time for a bourbon bath.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, hot dogs, johnny b. goode references, priests, rex ryan: greatest coach ever
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October 29th, 2009 at 11:18 am
Is this a recurring column that makes me want to run throught a goddamn brick wall… fuck and yes.
October 29th, 2009 at 11:20 am
Sideline Pussy happens to be Vince Young’s nickname.
October 29th, 2009 at 11:21 am
Something tells me that Ryan doesn’t need to put potato salad in his pants for his cum to be chunky.
October 29th, 2009 at 11:23 am
CC’s whiny rant be damned, I’ll give drew hand jobs, blow jobs and rim jobs (rusty trombone included) for writing this shit.
October 29th, 2009 at 11:24 am
Um, seriously? Controversy over a hot dog? I had to Google “Sanchez hot dog” to make sure it wasn’t a joke. Goddam, Americans are a bunch of whiny little girls.
October 29th, 2009 at 11:25 am
I kept waiting for Fr. McLaughlin to suddenly yell “NOW GO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THOSE MIAMI HOMOS LIKE MY BOY REX SAID YOU SHOULD. AMEN.”
October 29th, 2009 at 11:31 am
Fuck. And. Yes.
October 29th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Now I’m fucking fired up for the PK chat
October 29th, 2009 at 11:34 am
Well, some of us WERE pining for the return of God…
October 29th, 2009 at 11:36 am
Sanchez will give all his team mates taco flavored kisses after the game.
/Burrito taco taco! Burrito taco, taco taco!
October 29th, 2009 at 11:42 am
Anyone notice how small Ryan’s play sheet is? Most coaches have play sheet the size of a fucking Denny’s menu in front of them.
/expects Coach Ryan to use an actual Denny’s menu for the game versus the Bucs in Week 14
October 29th, 2009 at 11:42 am
Damn it, Drew…STOP MAKING ME LIKE THE JETS!!!
October 29th, 2009 at 11:43 am
AND THEN YOU WILL EAT SLOPPY JOE’S OFF OF THEIR WIVES’ TITS!
When’s the last time anyone here had a sloopy joe?? Bet you want one now!!!
October 29th, 2009 at 11:46 am
Great as always…
/FUCK the Dolphins
/Japanese men run unto field with spears and murder the whole team
October 29th, 2009 at 11:47 am
I bet Rex Ryan watched last night’s South Park with a huge grin on his face
/FUCKUH YOU DOLPHEEEEEN
October 29th, 2009 at 11:48 am
Oh my god. That made ME want to lead a fucking bayonet charge up San Juan Hill then head to the Golden Corral for an all-you-can-eat victory buffet. I know it’s satire, but that motivated me!
October 29th, 2009 at 11:48 am
Knew that typically Raider fans have sex in the shower at the local county lockup. Had no idea Al Davis was also homosexual. Now the whole move back to the shitty Bay Area makes perfect sense.
October 29th, 2009 at 11:49 am
EVERYONE SAY AMEN AND THANK THE SHIT OUT OF DREW.
October 29th, 2009 at 11:53 am
THEN IT’S PUSSY AND HOT DOGS ALL THE WAY HOME!
A-fucking-men.
I want to KILLLLLLLL for this man! Sadly I fear the real Rex Ryan cannot compare to KSK Ryan.
October 29th, 2009 at 11:53 am
Holy shit, I want to throw my computer monitor and go buy some potato salad. Chunky cum FTW
October 29th, 2009 at 11:55 am
I can’t put it into words. Just…glorious.
October 29th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
(smells own armpit)
How many of us did that after we read it? Just me?
/smells armpit again.
October 29th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Nice one. Needs more pussytubing.
October 29th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
So…Rex Ryan’s not a huge fan of divine providence? He’s a transcendentalist who favors the “God as clockmaker” theory. Got it.
October 29th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
My mom asked why I (Bears fan) wasn’t rooting for the Colts (home state) in the AFC. I haven’t gotten up the nerve to tell her it’s because of things like “There was shit coming out of my ass for sixty minutes straight. NOW THAT’S HOW YOU ENJOY A MCGRIDDLE!”
October 29th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
@ Lil’ Lebowski: his playsheet is the standard size , he’s just 2.5 times bigger than the other coaches
October 29th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
If KSK Rex Ryan did not exist, it would be necessary for man to invent him.
October 29th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
unknown fact: hamburger was silently suffering in his own existence until he met rex ryan. the next day he fucking represented.
October 29th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
Sigh. I spend all week working on an NFL vs. D&D countdown for Halloween, pull in a hot chick to count them off, and get up at 4 a.m. to post the damn thing, and now I gotta compete with this? Nuts.
Goddamn this Rex Ryan shit is gold. Great work as always, Drew.
October 29th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
RE JE Says:
“When’s the last time anyone here had a sloopy joe?? Bet you want one now!!!”
Dammit, yes, I DO want a sloppy joe now. Thanks for nothin’…
October 29th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
why oh why did this have to come to an end?
October 29th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
You take a cup of that potato salad, and you put it in your fucking shorts, and you smear it on Ricky Williams and tell him it’s your chunky cum! HE’LL STILL EAT IT!
That’s where I lost it. Goddammit all to hell! I will not let my fan of pussytubing and sloppy joe’s turn me into a Jets fan.
October 29th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
That is some deep-fried AWESOME right there…
Drew = Win
October 29th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
My priest used to always use the word ‘gumption’ in his prayers. Really takes me back to the old molestin’ days…
October 29th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Amen for Hebrew Nationals.
October 29th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Rex Ryan could end the war in two weeks if he was in charge. Total conquest, followed by some well deserved pussytubing, would make sure nobody on earth would fuck with us again.
//preparing sloppy joes to suprise the wife
October 29th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
KSK Rex Ryan > Patton
October 29th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
If there is a fictional coach more motivating than KSK Rex Ryan I don’t think I could handle it. I have never wanted to ut Potato Salad down my pants and then rub iit in another man’s face until this day.
October 29th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
I’m pretty sure the real Rex Ryan is the ghost writer for these posts
October 29th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
From the PK Book Exerpt on Deadspin – [Ray Lewis] went quasi-bonkers on me at training camp.
I know you guys make fun of him all the time for it, but why the fuck does this man feel the need to use the prefixes “quasi” and “semi” so much?
October 29th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
@Lil Wayne-
“Quasi Bonkers” is the name of one of Rex Ryan’s Thai hookers.
October 29th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
I think Rex Ryan taking a 60-minute shit is completely believable.
October 29th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
The results of that 60 minute dump need to be bronzed and proudly displayed in the team’s trophy case.
October 29th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
@BigJimSlade
Dick-first.
October 29th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
This is why the internets were invented
October 29th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
The GOP just found its 2012 presidential candidate. Who knew Buddy did such a good job preparing his son for life in football and beyond?
October 29th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
@El Nene: I don’t know. It would detract from all the trophies and awards the Jets have accumulated over the years… Yeah well, it would totally outshine that one Lombardi.
October 29th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
“Broke his leg like fucking man.”
I don’t know why but that line put me on the ground. Great shit Drew.
October 29th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Holy crap am I ever riled up right now!!
quack. Quack. QUACK. QUACK. QUACK! QUACK!
October 29th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
needs more pussytubin
October 29th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Ryan: And I expect that note to read… HEY YOU OLD FAGGOT, SEE YOU IN FUCKING HELL!!!!! BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
/shits self laughing
October 29th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
Remember when we did that commentator draft a few months back where we got to pick our college graduation speaker?
Yeah, I change whoever I picked to Rex Fucking Ryan.
October 29th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
I hope that when Rex Ryan retires he opens up a sports bar in Vegas where everyone watches football while eating from a “bottomless burger and fries basket” while getting a blowjob from a local pro. This is my dream and I will run through brick walls to make it happen.
October 29th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Wow, shit for sixty minutes and still that large!
October 29th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
I wish I could just put everything KSK rex ryan puts onto a t-shirt
October 29th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
Ryan: And I expect that note to read… HEY YOU OLD FAGGOT, SEE YOU IN FUCKING HELL!!!!! BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Totally lost it in my cube when I read that.
/back to work
//is it sunday yet?
October 29th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
God this is the best character so far I think.. At least of this season…
Loftier than the Pacman jones skits I’d say. Those had my ass laughing all day.
And Rex Ryan probably will get some Japanese players to get some dolphins killed. Fuck you Dolphiiiin!
October 29th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
I’m going to cut, paste, and print out the Rex Ryan motivation God speech and tape it to my fucking wall because I am a fucking winner.
/grabs pregnant roommate by hair, mounts her
//makes her more pregnant
///FUCK YEA
////writes to the mailbag about analing a pregnant chick
October 29th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Honestly, hilarious. These posts seem to get better every time.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
Holy shit. I just caught the “johnny b. goode” tag. First I thought of Chuck Berry, then the Judas Priest cover of Chuck’s song (because this is a Drew post) and THEN I thought of the Anthony Michael Hall football movie I haven’t seen in years. The Pacer-driving coach was fucking awesome, but I refuse to believe Anthony Michael Hall as a blue chip QB prospect who’s banging Uma Thurman. I’ll believe Robert Downey Jr. as a QB before I believe that shit.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You steal my hot dog. Prepare to die.
KILLLLLLLLL!
October 29th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
The funniest part is when Rex Ryan called Tony Sparano a fat fuck.
October 29th, 2009 at 8:10 pm
Anybody else punch a salmon @ work after they read about abusing the dolphin?
October 29th, 2009 at 9:08 pm
FUCK YEAH! I’M GONNA GO DO MY CALC III PROBLEM SET….and, er…uh…EAT A SLOPPY JOE OFF CALC III’s TITS.
October 29th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
It just now hit me – I can’t believe I had forgotten this.
Rex Ryan was the defensive coordinator at my alma mater while I was there. (Morehead State, 1990 – 94; Ryan left in ‘93). I was in the marching band, and I’m pretty sure that hanging out on the track before halftime I heard pep talks exactly like this.
Didn’t work so well back at Morehead though – we were pretty uniformly awful then.
WF
/Phil Simms is also a Morehead grad
//well aware of the jokes based around “Morehead”
///always wanted us to play Oral Roberts
///yes, the marching band – waiting for beatdowns
October 29th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
It just now hit me – I can’t believe I had forgotten this.
Rex Ryan was the defensive coordinator at my alma mater while I was there. (Morehead State, 1990 – 94; Ryan left in ‘93). I was in the marching band, and I’m pretty sure that hanging out on the track before halftime I heard pep talks exactly like this.
Didn’t work so well back at Morehead though – we were pretty uniformly awful then.
WF
/Phil Simms is also a Morehead grad
//well aware of the jokes based around “Morehead”
///always wanted us to play Oral Roberts
///yes, the marching band – waiting for my beatdown
October 29th, 2009 at 10:34 pm
THEN IT’S PUSSY AND HOT DOGS ALL THE WAY HOME!
So, what you’re saying is, Coach is bi, right?
/not a bad t-shirt right there: THEN IT’S PUSSY AND HOT DOGS ALL THE WAY HOME!
October 29th, 2009 at 11:43 pm
This series of articles has done more to foster good will towards the Jets than about anything I can think of.
October 30th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
I find myself looking forward to Bengals games and Jets games more than Redskins games, and I think that has more to do with Hard Knocks and KSK than it does the Skins’ awfulness.
October 30th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Seriously, that last full paragraph is better than the “no one comes into our house” speech from Rudy.
Carve it in granite somewhere……like Peter King’ forehead.
October 30th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
Living with Balls Says:
October 29th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
“I think Rex Ryan taking a 60-minute shit is only half the story!!!”
… fixed!!! …