86300603JM021_NEW_YORK_JETS

Mark Sanchez: Felt good to get back in the win column again, Thomas.

Thomas Jones: Yup.

Sanchez: Who we got this week? Miami? That’s gonna be a toughie.

Jones: Yup.

Sanchez: Heard about Coach Ryan chewing me out in the media over that hot dog?

Jones: Yup.

Sanchez: You think he’s really that mad about it?

Jones: We’ll see.

(door flies open, smell of McDonald’s wafts in)

rex4

Ryan: HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOYS?

Sanchez: Good, coach.

Ryan: What a morning. WHAT A FUCKING MORNING. Men, I don’t mean to boast, but I took a sixty-minute shit this morning. SIXTY MINUTES. With no lollygagging. There was shit coming out of my ass for sixty minutes straight. NOW THAT’S HOW YOU ENJOY A MCGRIDDLE! NACHO? WHERE THE FUCK IS NACHO?

Sanchez: Right here, Sir.

Ryan: Nacho, from now on, your new nickname is Jalapeno! Because you’re Mexican, and Mexicans are spicy! Now Jalapeno, I heard you were eating a fucking HOT DOG on the sidelines last week. Or a perro caliente, as your people would say.

Sanchez: I was, coach. I’m sorry. It was disrespectful and I know that.

Ryan: Damn right it was! I expect you to show some professionalism!

Sanchez: Yes, coach.

Ryan: And I expect you to RESPECT your opponent. To treat them as you would want to be treated (stifles laughter).

Sanchez: Yes, coach.

Ryan: You know what you have to do now, don’t you, Jalapeno? I expect a 300-word, typed apology note to Al Davis. (stifles laughter, turns blue) And I expect it on my desk in the morning!

Sanchez: Yes, coach.

Ryan: And I expect that note to read… HEY YOU OLD FAGGOT, SEE YOU IN FUCKING HELL!!!!! BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Sanchez: You’re not mad?

Ryan: Hell no, son! I tell those media shitheads whatever it is they have to hear. FUCK RESPECTING THOSE ASSHOLES! KILLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!

(everyone cheers)

Ryan: Now, men. Jalapeno here was caught disrespecting his opponent last week. BUT HE DIDN’T DO IT THE REX RYAN WAY! Jalapeno, next time you eat on the sidelines, I expect you to be eating a Black Jack Taco, or a Taco Salad, or something else that reminds me of your Mexicanness. AND THERE’S NO REASON TO STOP AT TACOS!

(smells own armpit)

This week, I’ve commissioned a full sideline spread for your enjoyment. Cold Cuts. Chips. Potato Salad. You take a cup of that potato salad, and you put it in your fucking shorts, and you smear it on Ricky Williams and tell him it’s your chunky cum! HE’LL STILL EAT IT!

(everyone cheers)

Ryan: And we don’t have to stop at food! WHO’S GAME FOR SIDELINE PUSSY? IS EVERYONE GAME FOR A LITTLE SIDELINE PUSSY?

(everyone cheers)

Ryan: Jones, how about we dress one of them there cheerleaders up like a white girl and you take her to the fucking house?

Jones: Oh, I don’t know…

rex2

Ryan: OH! OH! OUR FRIEND JONESY HERE HAS GOT A TASTE FOR THE WHITE TAIL! OH YEAH!!!!

Now, it’s the time of week where we have our solemn team prayer. Father McLaughlin?

priest_83273t

Father McLaughlin: Would you all please take a knee and pray with me.

(everyone kneels)

Father McLaughlin: Blessed Father, we are thankful to you for the opportunity to compete on Sunday. We will play hard in your honor. And we will honor the memory of teammates who sacrificed their bodies for the sake of us and Your glory, as Leon did last week.

Ryan: Broke his leg like a fucking MAN, Father.

Father McLaughlin: Shhhhhh!

Ryan: Sorry. (opens very noisy bag of corn chips)

Father McLaughlin: Shhhhhh!

Ryan: Sorry again.

Father McLaughlin: Oh Holy Father, we experienced great joy and triumph last week in defeating our opponent, but we know the path You have laid out for us will never be an easy one. It will be fraught with adversity, and it will force us to make decisions we may not care to make. But we take comfort in knowing that the obstacles You place before us will only serve to strengthen our resolve and determination. They are Your gift. Your grace. And so we thank You for this test of gumption. We will never let You down, oh Lord. Never. We ask You today for the courage and strength to face whatever may come upon us, and we wish nothing but happiness and good health for those we would endeavor to defeat…

Ryan: Whoa whoa whoa, Father. Gonna have to cut you off there. No need for that mercy shit.

Father McLaughlin: But it’s a fundamental tenet…

Ryan: Yeah yeah yeah, God is nice blah blah blah. THANK YOU, FATHER. EVERYONE SAY AMEN AND THANK THE SHIT OUT OF FATHER MCLAUGHLIN.

Everyone: Amen. Thank you, Father.

Father McLaughlin: God be with you.

(leaves)

Ryan: Okay, he’s done praying and so am I. You listen to me, men. You men aren’t here today because of God. You are here because you are fucking WINNERS. You understand me? God didn’t make you a winner. Life ain’t no fucking divine lottery. You’re here because you made it fucking happen. YOU kicked ass in high school. YOU took your college team to a bowl game and fucked everything that moved afterwards. YOU did that. I don’t see God’s strings pulling your arms and legs around. No one, not even God, is gonna give you SHIT in this world. Lie down in the gutter sometime and see where God floats you. He didn’t put you on this Earth to lay down like a fucking dog. He put you on this earth to KILLLLL! AND FUCK! AND TEAR THOSE COCKSUCKERS IN HALF!

(everyone cheers)

The men who know fucking TAKE it. They don’t waste time. They don’t hope someone else does it for them. They don’t wait for a fucking sign from above. AND THEY NEVER EVER ASK FOR PERMISSION. They fucking TAKE that glory and they fucking ream the shit out of it.

There are gonna be fifty some odd men on that other sideline on Sunday who wanna take something from you. And three weeks ago, they did just that. DON’T FUCKING LET THEM DO IT AGAIN. DON’T LET THEM COME INTO THIS FUCKING CITY AND TAKE YOUR FUCKING GLORY. That shit is YOURS. It sure as fuck isn’t Tony Sparano’s. That fat fuck. YOU WILL FUCKING GO OUT THERE, AND YOU WILL KICK THOSE FUCKERS RIGHT IN THE BALLS. AND THEN YOU WILL EAT SLOPPY JOE’S OFF OF THEIR WIVES’ TITS!

EVERYONE GIVE ME A FUCK YEAH!

Everyone: FUCK YEAH!

Ryan: You gonna let these fuckers come into our house and eat hot dogs?

Everyone: FUCK NO!

Ryan: You gonna apologize for kicking ass?

Everyone: FUCK NO!

Ryan: You gonna have mercy on those pricks?

Everyone: FUCK NO!

Ryan: THAN LET’S DO IT! LET’S FUCKING MURDER THOSE COCKS! THEN IT’S PUSSY AND HOT DOGS ALL THE WAY HOME! FIRE UP THE HEBREW NATIONALS! GO GO GO!

(everyone cheers)

Oh, shit. It’s three o’clock! Time for a bourbon bath.