Coach Ryan Breaks In The New Guy
10.08.09
Mark Sanchez: Oof, that was a tough loss the other day, Leon.
Leon Washington: Yup.
Sanchez: The Saints handled us pretty good.
Washington: Yup.
Sanchez: I guess that’s just a lesson you learn. Everything isn’t always gonna be all roses. I gotta realize that I still have a lot to learn. Can’t get too pleased with anything. I guess Coach Ryan’s gonna go pretty hard on us.
Washington: Are you kidding? He’s even more fun after a loss than he is after a win.
Sanchez: Really? How so?
(door flies open)
Ryan: HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOYS?
Sanchez: Good, coach.
Ryan: I feel FUCKING GREAT today, men. FUCKING GREAT. I feel like I could fuck a tarantula. Sanchez, your new nickname is NACHO!
Sanchez: I thought it was Chimichanga.
Ryan: (burps) Yeah, well that’s NACHO name anymore! YOU GET IT? SPANISH TALK IS FUCKING WILD! Now, first order of the day: clipping. Nacho, I saw you try and take out Vilma’s knees on that one play.
Sanchez: I’m sorry, coach. It won’t happen again.
Ryan: Goddamn right it won’t. Next time you clip that fucker, you get him right ABOVE the knee. That way, his feet stay planted and his leg tears damn near in half. THAT’S HOW WE DO IT IN OUR CLIP DRILLS, SO TAKE WHAT YOU LEARN AND APPLY IT TO WIPING THOSE FUCKERS OUT! Next up: trades! Boys, I want you to welcome your new teammate. Bring the newbie in!
(door flies open, playbook dropped)
Braylon Edwards: Hi. I’m Braylon.
Ryan: Heh heh. BRAYLON. Is that the blackest name ever or what? HELLUVA BLACK NAME. Boys, Braylon comes uto us from the dilapidated shithole known as Cleveland. Ain’t that right, fella?
(licks chicken grease off thumbs)
Braylon: Yes, Coach.
Ryan: And your coach was that little fuckface Mangini, wudn’t it? HOO BOY, THEY PUT THE FUCKING TOWELBOY IN CHARGE OF THAT SHIPWRECK! BAHAHAHAHAHA! Okay, first things first, Edwards. Your new nickname is HYENA! Cause you got a funny black name that makes me laugh! Also, I understand you got yourself into a fight the other day.
Braylon: Oh, that was just a misunderstanding, coach.
Ryan: BULLSHIT. Did you punch out the fucker or not? Was he trying to cop some of your pussy that night? Was he? He wanted to steal some pussy from you, didn’t he? Didn’t he?
Braylon: Well…
Ryan: OH! OUR LITTLE NEWBIE WILL PUNCH FOR PUSSY! That’s the kinda fuckface I want on this squad! Don’t lose your punchiness, Hyena! NACHO’S gonna be relying on you! Now, since you’re new, it’s time TO HAZE YOUR ASS!!!!
Ryan: You got thirty seconds to polish off these two tall boys. DO IT. CHUG IT.
Braylon: But it’s eight AM…
Ryan: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!
Everyone: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!
Braylon: Oh, okay.
(chugs beer, drops cans)
Ryan: Gotta work on those hands, Hyena. Only balls that drop around here are mine in the steam bath! NOW LET’S GET HITTIN’! BRING OUT THE DOLPHIN!
Dolphin: EEEEKEEEEKEEEEKEEEE!!!!!!
Braylon: Is that real dolphin?
Ryan: Sure is! NOW HIT THAT FUCKER! KILLLLLLLLLLL! HE’D RULE THE SEAS IF HE COULD! TURN THIS FUCKER INTO A CAN OF BUMBLEBEE!
Braylon: Okay.
(punches dolphin, everyone cheers)
Ryan: YEAH BABY!!!! THAT IS WHAT THE FUCK I AM TALKING ABOUT!
(farts)
Braylon: Hey, that felt pretty good.
Ryan: Goddamn right it did! Now you listen to me, Hyena. I know you just came from a bunch of fucking LOSERS. But there are no losers in this locker room. We are fucking WINNERS. And winners don’t drop balls. They grab those balls and stuff them in the other team’s fucking face! ARE YOU FUCKING READY TO BE A GODDAMN WINNER?
Braylon: I am, sir.
Ryan: I want everyone in here to listen to me. We lost on Sunday. I know that sucks. It happens. Other teams have good players. Other teams work hard. You ain’t gonna get through the fight without gettin’ a shiner. Everyone loses sometimes. The question is, men: ARE YOU GONNA KEEP THAT COCK UP? I don’t care about your head being up. I don’t care about your chin being up. You don’t play this game with your head. YOU PLAY IT WITH THAT COCK AND BALLS. It’s fuck or be fucked out there. CHAMPIONS KEEP THAT COCK UP. Fucking losers let that cock go limp. ARE YOU GONNA LET THAT HAPPEN?
Everyone: No.
Ryan: You gonna keep that cock up? UP THIS HIGH?
Everyone: Yes!
Ryan: YOU GONNA KEEP FUCKING THAT PUSSY?
Everyone: YES!
Ryan: ARE YOU GONNA FUCKING KILLLLLLLLLL THAT PUSSY?
Everyone: YES!
Ryan: Then let’s fucking do it! LET’S KEEP THAT COCK UP AND SLAY THAT GODDAMN PUSSY! WE’RE GONNA WIN! AND THEN WE’RE GONNA GO SHOOT GUNS AND PUNCHFUCK STRIPPERS! GO GO GO GO GO GO GO!!! MOTHERFUCKING COCK ON THREE! ONE TWO THREE…
Everyone: COCK!
Ryan: Jesus, that was good! I need bacon!
(leaves)
Braylon: Is every day here like this?
Sanchez: Not always. Some days we play mailbox baseball.
Braylon: (looks to sky) Thank you, Jesus.
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Mailbox baseball is when you get drunk and drive around in a car, preferably a pickup truck or a jeep…and..
lean out with a baseball bat and smash people’s mailboxes as you drive by.. hopefully those big ones on the wooden stands.
Homeowners take to building concrete fortresses and use rebar to prevent said destruction….
Blacksnakemoan nailed it. This would go over perfect in Double-J land:
WE’RE GONNA WIN! AND THEN WE’RE GONNA GO SHOOT GUNS AND PUNCHFUCK STRIPPERS! GO GO GO GO GO GO GO!!!
***********************************************************************
Sanchez: Not always. Some days we play mailbox baseball.
No idea what Mailbox Baseball is, but I want to play.
Braylon: (looks to sky) Thank you, Jesus.
Me too.
Fucking. Gold.
/punches dolphin
“TomahawkFlop Says:
October 8th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
Dirty Nacho’s Brother…Here, you can say ass. Hell, you can say Fuck. Shit, you can say AssFuck!”
… is this heaven ??? … no, it’s Iowa …
… well kiss my ass … that fuckin’ sucks … i’m in shithole Iowa ??? i’d rather be assfucked!!!!!!!!!!
Only thing better than Rex Ryan…would be if he became the new Cowboys Coach.
THE DOUBLE J AND THE DOUBLE R!!! YEEEHAW WE’RE BOTH FUCKING CRAZY!!!!
Oh God.
Seriously, is Rex the best new character in the last year? I think so.
Drew… you’ve got me on the bandwagon now. Goddamnit I want TubbyMcFatalot to get fired now so that Rex could somehow swoop in and save the Cowboys. I know that’s a pipe dream, but fuck it I can dream can’t I. If I wasn’t such a hard-core Cowboys fan, I might consider becoming a Jets fan even if that meant taking a book to the face from Ape.
Rex Ryan is my new hero.
/you should hear him on ESPN radio in NY
//TOTALLY pumped after wins and sad as hell after losses
Even the freaking dolphin nailed it! EeeekEeeekEeeek, indeed.
I honestly believe Rex Ryan ghost writes these posts
/spechless, completely speechless
Been trying to find the right pics to pull this one off…
http://i35.tinypic.com/2njhkjc.jpg
As a Jet fan, let me just say how fucking trippy it is to actually be the envy of other fans for once. We’ve been the butt of the joke for as long as I’ve been a fan. This is owed to the immeasurable awesomeness of Rex and Drew. I mean, look at the comments! The only people who have anything negative to say are bitch ass Pats and Dolphins fans!
/knows the Jets will probably still find a way to fuck this up
//enjoying the ride anyway
@SafetoFavorites:
D’Brickashaw Montgomery Ladarius Fantana Ferguson is a white man’s name? The hell you say.
I don’t know how these keep getting better, and I don’t care. For the love of God, Drew please keep fucking that chicken!
I could not be happier that Rex is our coach -and that you continue to make me laugh each week. Perhaps I will go out and pound 2 tallboys and f¢ck a Dolphin, or am I supposed to punch the dolphin’s p•ssy? hmmmmm
Also couldn’t “(farts)” be “(farts, laughs at fart)” – I think it shoud be “farts, waives under nose, laughs”.
Damn Raiders would have to hire his retarded twin.
Guess Coach Ryan doesn’t have time to get to know his o-line.
The apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. Buddy Ryan never gave a shit about his O-line, either.
/Yeah, you gotta love the Jets
//Except for that Fireman Ed asshole. Fuck him.
Holy hell I want him to be my coach.
/cries in the fetal position
/keeps putting up with Todd Haleys shit
Easily one my favorite new KSKharacters… Just fantastic. Quasi-Defined Lofty.
And the constant Braylon drop ref’s did not go unnoticed.
I actually would coach in the image of this Ryan, I think he’d be the best coach ever.
“(door flies open, playbook dropped)”
A small detail, perhaps lost in the gleeful dolphin punching and stripper defilement, but something that signifies: no bases left uncovered.
Easily one of the funniest thing I’ve read on this site. Awesome! That dolphin punching thing made me spit all over my keyboard I was laughing so hard.
“Jesus, that was good! I need bacon!”
I can’t explain why this made me laugh so hard, but I can’t even see with all the tears in my eyes. Awesome.
When I die I want to be reincarnated as a skinnier version of Rex Ryan….I figure he’s only got about 5 yrs before he goes John Candy/Chris Farley on the J-E-T-S
I didn’t know what clamato is so I checked: http://www.clamato.com/en/about/faq.aspx
In case anyone cares:
How do you add the clam flavor to Clamato®?
Using a top-secret process for mollusk reanimation, our engineers add a small amount (less than .01 percent) of clam broth at just the right moment to give Clamato its unique taste.
WTF is mollusk reanimation? They are bringing dead mollusks back to life for this drink?
Learn something everyday on KSK!!!!
the only problem with these posts is that anyone would undoubtedly be disappointed meeting rex ryan and finding out he wasnt as awesome as his kskharacter.
Rex Ryan rules!
Jets record in weeks when Rex Ryan makes his thoughts known to KSK-3-0;
Record in weeks that he doesn’t appear in KSK-0-1.
DO NOT ALLOW ANOTHER WEEK TO GO BY WITHOUT AN APPEARANCE BY THE NFL’S GREATEST COACH OF ALL TIME. As a Jets fan I know this is completely illogical. But since God has taken a seat this season so we can allow Rex a weekly appearance, keep up the good work, whether there’s a correlation or not.
One more thing-FUCK BELLICHICK AND THE PATS.
Glad Cleveland is so helpful shipping us their talent. I hope they are enjoying mangini.
Damn I love these posts, but they merely perpetuate the myth that the Jests are a likable team that will somehow succeed. I can’t wait for their epic collapse. It could be downright Cowboyish.
Rex Ryan himself (the real one) could get inspiration from these posts.
Champions keep that cock up! losers let that cock go limp.
words to live by and probably my next tattoo. ill put it in olde english though, so it will be classy.
Rex Ryan posts are by far my favorite posts of the week…
Then let’s fucking do it! LET’S KEEP THAT COCK UP AND SLAY THAT GODDAMN PUSSY!
…fucking brilliant
If he keeps this up there’s going to be mutiny in the other Meadowlands locker room.
Clearly it’s time to update the KSK store with a new Ryan-themed shirt. Ideally something I could wear in polite company, but if it’s going to be “We’re going pussytubing!” then so be it.
/where’s the link to the big shirt store, the one above only has like 8
Can we get a Rex Ryan pep Talk every week, the next one where he’s holding a press conference or something.
I’m so happy right now.
Clamato beers are awesome!
I hate the Jets. I DESPISE Buddy Ryan and his children. At least until Drew showed me the pussy-tubing side of Rex. My God I would run through a wall for that man.
I don’t know what Punchfucking is, but I need to find a way to do this.
chugs beer, drops cans
Nicely done.
This is all kinds of wonderful.
/drinks Bud Clamato in tribute
//pukes
///finishes Bud Clamato
Coach Ryan is like one big white round wizard!
These fucking posts rule.
Over the years I’ve become accustomed to stifling my laughter at work… Couldn’t keep it in on this one.
Fucking brilliant.
Dirty Nacho’s Brother…Here, you can say ass. Hell, you can say Fuck. Shit, you can say AssFuck!
Don’t mean to sound like a broken record but –
BEST…POST…EVER….
with the teenage myspace wonder and her shitty underwear a distant 2nd (can’t get that image out of my brain)
My wikipedia entry did not appear to be constructive and has been automatically reverted by ClueBot. Something about mailbox baseball, pussy, and clip drillls.
I hate the Jets, and nothing can stop that.
That was — hands down — the funniest post I’ve read yet on KSK. Or anywhere.
Wait until Braylon hears about pussy tubing.
Then let’s fucking do it! LET’S KEEP THAT COCK UP AND SLAY THAT GODDAMN PUSSY! WE’RE GONNA WIN! AND THEN WE’RE GONNA GO SHOOT GUNS AND PUNCHFUCK STRIPPERS! GO GO GO GO GO GO GO!!! MOTHERFUCKING COCK ON THREE! ONE TWO THREE…
Wow, for a second there, Rex Ryan reminded me a whole helluva lot of Rex Grossman.
/misses the Sex Cannon on KSK
//hopes Grossman finds his way on to the field for the Texans and lives again on KSK
Forget clip drills – Rex needs those boys workin on their clit drills.
When the morning includes Greatest Coach Ever, it’s going to be a good day.
SOCKS UP WICHA COCK UP.
Beer + clam juice? Jesus… I’m not sure if that ruins the taste of the beer or the clam juice.
And Braylon can’t be the blackest name because it doesn’t have an apostrophe in it.
As a Jet fan, this is the greatest thing on the interwebz. Ever.
/Chugs Clamato Bud
//Gets the cock up
Great post. Lofty post.
It’s only a matter of time before Rex and Tawmmy da PatFan are on a collision course. Can’t wait for that one.
… my 1st time to this site …read this twice so far … i’ve had to pick myself up off the floor from laughing so hard both times …
… first drafting dirty nacho … then this team kicking *$$ all year … now braylon … and topped off with finding this webpage …
what a great year this is turning into!!!
Dolphin/tuna jokes always get a +1 from me.
I love all of the KSK recurring characters like children, which means I need to have a favorite. And Rex Ryan is my favorite now.
Know how ya keep Vilma off of ya? Hit that fucker with some ChipotleAWAY!
HEH HEH HEH YEAH!
Dirty Sanchez to Donkeypunch Bray…and SCENE! I mean, touchdown!
@ Nate Newton’s Van: “Guess Coach Ryan doesn’t have time to get to know his o-line.”
D’Brickashaw, I take it? Actually, the name comes from the lead character in the old “Thorn Birds” miniseries. So unblack it may come all the way around to black again.
Pacino doesnt have shit on that rant. …..its fuck or be fucked is my new mantra for life…Big Daddy Drew changing lives one Rex Ryan rant at a time.
I’ve been reading this site since the very beginning, and nothing has made me laugh as hard as these Rex Ryan posts. Genius.
Greatest “greatest coach” post ever. Punching the dolphin and this line “TURN THIS FUCKER INTO A CAN OF BUMBLEBEE!” made me smile a lot knowing how pissed off a PETA member would get if they read this.
@ Adam
+1 Rex Ryan anything. BBQ sauce, Twitter, feed bags, pussy chapstick.
“Heh heh. BRAYLON. Is that the blackest name ever or what?”
Guess Coach Ryan doesn’t have time to get to know his o-line.
Also – I misread the “licks chicken grease off fingers” part – I thought that was applying to Braylon, not Coach Ryan – kept wondering why the “little bit racist” tag wasn’t applied
/apparently this guy is a little bit racist, since he automatically assumed it was Braylon’s chicken…
I love (your interpretation of) this man! I used to look forward to Marmalard and Double JJ posts (chuh chuh), and less so to the headache inducing Hines Wald posts – now, if I don’t get my weekly fix of pussy-tubing Rex Ryan, I feel like I can’t go on…
/roots for Texans
//hates life
///farts, laughs at fart.
I love the idea of Rex Ryan holding clip drills.
I would pay $100 to attend Jets practice just to watch the clip drills
I’d become a fan of a Rex Ryan KSK Facebook page if one were created.
Clamato y budweiser is the shit. It’s even better if you add a little tobasco or cholula hot sauce. A meal in a can!
You ain’t gonna get through the fight without gettin’ a shiner.
Sage advice.
Only balls that drop around here are mine in the steam bath!
I’m a Giants fan, and even we are rooting this guy. Just for this little pep talk every week.
As a Jet fan, I didn’t know what to expect from Braylon Edwards. Somehow after reading this I like his chances.