They wrote books you probably didn’t buy. They like teams you probably don’t like. They’re gormless lazy fapwits who spend many days without pants formulating idiotic one-note caricatures of football players and coaches, all who yell and cuss a lot. It sometimes reaches a kind of crude brilliance, but mostly it doesn’t. But now their teams face one another in regular season battle reeking of quasi-LeBronish import. IT’S A FIVE-THROWGASM GAME! [Quick aside: I will be at this game because, unlike Drew, I don't rely on Gawker (which has its head so far up the ass of some midlevel ESPN employee that no cares about - much better than getting a flight booked correctly) for getting around]. Anyway, WHO YA GOT?
Big Fatty Drew_____________________________Michael “Christmas Rape” Poonison
Which team do they constantly fluff without regard to anyone’s actual interest?
Minnesota Favreholes____________________________Pittsburgh Omigod They Only Win Because of the Refs
Player he’s totally gay for who just so happens to be leading the NFL in rushing or receiving yards
Purple Jesus___________________________Numbell one smaltest smirretime leceivel and steleotype
Retarded Vikes “When I Come Around” Spoof That Makes Drew Run Through a Goddamn Brick Wall
Why do you long for their team to lose?
Because if they win the media slathers Favre ejaculate on your face and hair_________THE RESULTING YINZER CELEBRATION! WE’RE FROM THE TOWN WITH THE GREAT FOOTBALL TEAM BOM BOM BOM BOM
Quick shorthand mocking points
Fat, craps on towels, fat, eats breadwiches, wears salmon polos, roots for Favre, fat_________Lives alone with cat, has Fathead on wall, owns alternate gray jersey, possibly too handsome
Character flaws you may not know about
Wanton attention whore, hangs on Simmons’ every written word___________Picks protracted fights with only the most retarded commenters
Whose was the second huge black cock he ever saw?
Visante Shiancoe_________________________________Santonio Holmes
Let’s see someone bash their stupid book
“This is what I call a complete waste of time and money“______”easily the worst book I had read in my life”
Finishing move
Passing off Simpsons quotes as original humor_____________________Reciting the next line in the episode
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Mr. Incredible, maybe, but what about the bee in A Bug’s Life? Too bad no one actually remembers that movie though.
And I just finished Football Fan’s Manifesto yesterday, actually. I’m going to see about starting a malfeasance fantasy football league next year. I think it may be the one way I can finally beat this one guy in my current league. Gotta do what I gotta do.
WON’T ANYBODY THINK OF THE TOWELS?
The fat shit in the viking helmet. Viking helmets are comical.
Ape, James Harrison’s huge black cock is incredibly disappointed that it has yet to meet you.
Hmm, I’ll side w/ whoever the ex-marine blogger picks. What’s that, the fat one? Ok then, the fat one.
This pleases me.
I was just glancing at the newest issue of Maxim magazine at work & I couldn’t believe my eyes… right there on page #113, in a Castrol GTX advertisement, was KSK’s very own Big Daddy Drew!!!
Unfortunately, I am unable to locate the ad anywhere on the interwebs, so I am currently unable to send a link, but the resemblance is startling!
@Nimby
That was amazingly, hysterically, off base! I would much rather talk like Tony Montana than Drew Magary though, so … was that what you were going for?
@Nimby,
as far as phonetic humor goes, that was the worst I’ve ever seen/read. We may be a quasi-retarded-fly-over-state, but we pronounce our “y”‘s, asshead. We aren’t fucking Argentinian.
There goes Ape again being predictable. What’s the matter, when your cat naps you got nothing else to do? I hear they sleep like 17 hours a day. VIKINGS WIN!
/No excuse for that Vikings video, which that guy does every week
//Has cat myself
///Unabashed Vikings fan that knows the team is going to get blown out Eli style in New Orleans
Steelers Ownership:
The Rooneys, who are drunken Fenian bastards, hell-bound Papists, Ambassadors to a shitty country and a clan whose fortune relies solely on the whims of a leprechaun only they can see.
Vikings Ownership:
The Wilfs. They’re dirty New Jersey Jews.
ADVANTAGE: VIKINGS
Please tell me we have a live blog for this game. Please please please please please.
In Meenesota, first ju get de Favre, den ju get de touchdowns, den ju get de weemen.
Sure, the Steelers win with class and dignity, their owner is an honest man and they hire non-retarded head coaches, but that’s boring. My Vikings are fucking interesting. Sex cruises, Whizzinators, West African drug rings, driving a car through a goddamn brick wall at a Burger King in Mankato, Minnesota…the dizzying highs, the terrifying lows, the creamy middles, you never know what you’re going to get when you’re a Vikings fan.
Fuck both these guys. They both banned me from Deadspin for no good reason and I hate them.
I meant now…
Whatever…
After watching those pasty Minnesotans in that retarded video, I know wish for all the teams in Minnesota to FAIL.
That was the gayest thing I’ve seen in a while. People actually waste precious time in their lives for this?
/As I waste my time reading this blog… Daily.
I vote for the funny one.
I admit that whenever I visit another city, I bring along my Terrible Towel and one of my 11 different Steelers jerseys just in case we’re going to a sports bar. I want to make sure everybody is well aware of my allegiance to the greatest franchise in the history of American sports. I know it annoys a few people. But I figure they’re either a) jealous because their team sucks or 2) angry because they weren’t lucky enough to be born in the City of Champions. I don’t really care either way since we’re better than everybody else.
Ape -10 for chucking side AND downward dueces while STILL holding the towel.
Look at Ape’s impressive cd collection? Is it alphabetized perchance?
Any post that reminds us how shitty the Icy Hot Stuntaz are is a good post.
I’ll side with Chinny McFatBack over Mr. Feline Pussy Basket since Mr. FPB is my sworn arch enemy as a Stiller fan and I cannot support such shenanigans.
/Uh, er, uh, but make sure the Stiller DEF plays well this weekend since I have them in FFB. A 3-0 Minny win would suffice, thanks.
Man, I was so smart to jump onto the Steelers bandwagon in the mid-1980s. What an initial glorious run that was!
/picks another fight with a fucktard and his predictable hating
Drew looks silly…. Ape looks like a complete douche, a runner up for an Icy Hot Stuntaz off-shoot.
Chins wins.
@Sex Cannon
Heath Miller. Vikings hate defending TEs. It’s a scientific fact.
@Sex Cannon and the City: I say go with Favraro (Warner is going to get his head taken off by the Giants D this week), Austin (never know if Moishe is gonna tell Eli to throw more to Smith or Nicks, plus Hixon is back in the receiving mix), and Heath (as others have pointed out, tight ends tend to do well against the Vikings)
“Whose was the second huge black cock he ever saw?” Thats right, if you’re blindfolded it neeeever happened.
‘ Petulant dinosaur from Toy Story’…Rex?
Long time no read fmra.
I’d be
FutureMrsGreinke,Allen or Dawkins
Need Fantasy Halp:
QB: BrittFar @ Steerels or Warner @ NYG
WR: Manningham vs. Buzzsaw or Miles Austin vs. ATL
TE: Heath vs. MIN or Olsen vs. Cincy
/would have written in for the mailbag, but has no pertinent sexy question
//fuck you, Ryan Grant
Ah thanks Spanky…I am fairly new, so now its clearer
If Ape actually makes it to the game, I’ve gotta go with him. Drew can’t even get a plane flight arranged. Wah, it was Gawker’s fault. I was too busy eating bacon, while jackin’ it, as I was pooping to check on the details, wah.
PixChaFlaWa.
Ya know, I’m a part time Vikings fan, cause it’s my families favorite team (excluding me, somehow, I ended following San Diego), But after listening to my dad complain about how poor my teams Defense was on Monday night, after his let up like 300yds in the 4th quarter…
Fuck it…
I’m cheering for Meteor,
Meteor is an option right?
….or three posts above!
ITouchdownThere Says:
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:34 am
LaFarve…uh what the hell is FMRA?
@ ITouch… That is she, about two posts above.
This couldn’t have been done totally sober.
Dear Ape,
please don’t tell Choco Taco that Antoine Winfield isn’t playing on Sunday. Just please… it’s better that he doesn’t know that he can throw for 450 against us.
My alternative choices were WALL-E and the tubby German caterpillar from A Bug’s Life.
Mr. Incredible? More like Ham.
Whatever. I totally look more like Linguine from Ratatouille.
Pixar Character Most Closely Resembled:
Mr. Incredible ________________________________ Petulant dinosaur from Toy Story
The towel thing is just too retarded to support in any fashion.
Douglas Adams is disappointed in you, Slash.
Obviously going with Ape and the Steelers, but the fact that Drew’s living room seems to be painted the same color as mine is enough to make me worry that Favre will go out there and have too much fun against the secondary.
I think you need to set up a wordpress profile.
http://en.gravatar.com/
Register here for setting up your avatar.
How the hell do you get an avatar? I don’t see anywhere to edit your profile or anything……
Steve Phillips would hit that.
When will Tosh.0 give Fat Steelers Girl her web redemption segment? Or was she already on The Biggest Loser and I missed it?
Drew wins ( I can’t believe this hasnt been mentioned yet). I have been to Minnesota many, many times, but have never seen this monstrosity.
this is easily the best one of these things there’s ever been.
To see Rappaport juggling a cat is a personal dream of mine. Much love, Drew.
fist bump? blow it up?
I thought Drew’s wife was supposed to be hot. And blind. And into charity.
I am going with the Vikings in this game and the rest of the season. My only hope is that they go 19-0 so that Bret Favre can finally get the media attention he deserves. Damned east coast media bias.
Admit it, Drew, that was you in drag dancing in the video wasn’t it?
Picks protracted fights with only the most retarded commenters
Hey, that’s me!
-PacSunBro
this post = all sorts of awesome, but it would have been better if maj or flubby wrote it. no maj. flubby is too lazy to come up with that many jokes.
On second thought, I might accept buttsechs as a consequence of bacon.
Mmmmmm … bacon.
Wait wait wait wait…..hold the phone here…….where were the 260+ extra pounds on that “Steelers” representation chick in the Minny video anyways?
Also the Vikings women too.
But I have to side with Big Daddy Balls here……how can you HATE the Cleveland Browns? That’s like hating a one legged, one-eyed dog…….you pity, not hate!
Holy shit the book’s on sale for 12 bucks!
@ Cutlerfuck….my favorite local bar has now been taken over by those terrible towel douches, and it pisses me off. I have been going to the same bar for 4 years to watch football, and now all of a sudden there are 50 guys in Steeler’s gear being loud and obnoxious demanding “the best team in football” be put on every god damn tv. I tell those guys they are about 850 miles west of where they need to be.
Someone must have sprayed the one Steeler fan we had in KS with water and fed it after midnight or some shit.
This is easy. Gotta go with Drew. The towel thing is just too retarded to support in any fashion. Also, the picture suggest Drew likes bacon. I like bacon. So, there you go.
Also, I kinda wish I had one of those Viking hats.
Are all the girls in MN as pasty as the girls in that video?
She looked positively tanned compared to most chicks in Minnesota.
As a Packers fan, I hate Brett Favre and the Vikings with a fiery passion that I cannot even begin to describe. But on the other hand, I hate all those bandwagon faggot Steelers fans with their stupid terrible towels that are fucking everywhere. I hope everyone on both teams gets swine flu, they tie this game and they lose the rest of their games.
BTW, I haven’t read nor plan to read either shitty book.
I meant “some of the most joyless people in the world”
/awful at typing on tiny phone keyboard
Production values and choreography were much better in the Minnesota video. Also, I didn’t see anyone with his shirt off nor anyone trying to extort $50 from a five year old. Drew it is.
Some of the most joyless people, fuck posting from my phone
Holy fuck those reviews were harsh. Those must be of the most joyless people in the world
Are all the girls in MN as pasty as the girls in that video?
BabySexCannon- Or more likely, he paid a guy to read it for him so he could pop a few bars of Xanax and head to a pool party.
Okay, so I bought Drew’s book. BUT I haven’t read it yet. Hmmm. Planning similar maneuver with Ape’s. Hmmm. I like Cats, but I like Bacon also. Oh, the struggle. WAIT. ZOMG> I HATE BRETT FAVRE! I almost forgot. Phew. So, I got Ape. Also, I can see the handwriting…Chilly will get an extension and then Favre will play coy and/or his arm really will finally fall off. (Evil grin). And it will all go down in a Favrian apocalypse in MinaSt.Pauliana.
given this tidbit of information:
“Justin Adler is a graduate of the University of Arizona.”
I’d say there’s a fair chance he was reading the book either backwards or upside down.
@ Biggus Rickus:
You asked for it: We All Bleed Black and Gold”
The child abuse may tip the scales for you.
It was close, but the Viking headgear trumps the Pirates cap every time.
\Back to staring fondly at Eva. Seems like such a nice girl.
The horrid Vikings fan video (The fuck? Was that a Tarvaris jersey?) Pushed this solidly into Ape’s corner.
For those of you keeping with the fat… let’s not forget Fat Steeler Chick.
and THIS replaces Sexy Friday?
No.