Authors Who Write Stupid Dick Joke Laden Guide Books About Sports. WHO YA GOT?
They wrote books you probably didn’t buy. They like teams you probably don’t like. They’re gormless lazy fapwits who spend many days without pants formulating idiotic one-note caricatures of football players and coaches, all who yell and cuss a lot. It sometimes reaches a kind of crude brilliance, but mostly it doesn’t. But now their teams face one another in regular season battle reeking of quasi-LeBronish import. IT’S A FIVE-THROWGASM GAME! [Quick aside: I will be at this game because, unlike Drew, I don't rely on Gawker (which has its head so far up the ass of some midlevel ESPN employee that no cares about - much better than getting a flight booked correctly) for getting around]. Anyway, WHO YA GOT?
Big Fatty Drew_____________________________Michael “Christmas Rape” Poonison
Which team do they constantly fluff without regard to anyone’s actual interest?
Minnesota Favreholes____________________________Pittsburgh Omigod They Only Win Because of the Refs
Player he’s totally gay for who just so happens to be leading the NFL in rushing or receiving yards
Purple Jesus___________________________Numbell one smaltest smirretime leceivel and steleotype
Retarded Vikes “When I Come Around” Spoof That Makes Drew Run Through a Goddamn Brick Wall
Why do you long for their team to lose?
Because if they win the media slathers Favre ejaculate on your face and hair_________THE RESULTING YINZER CELEBRATION! WE’RE FROM THE TOWN WITH THE GREAT FOOTBALL TEAM BOM BOM BOM BOM
Quick shorthand mocking points
Fat, craps on towels, fat, eats breadwiches, wears salmon polos, roots for Favre, fat_________Lives alone with cat, has Fathead on wall, owns alternate gray jersey, possibly too handsome
Character flaws you may not know about
Wanton attention whore, hangs on Simmons’ every written word___________Picks protracted fights with only the most retarded commenters
Whose was the second huge black cock he ever saw?
Visante Shiancoe_________________________________Santonio Holmes
Let’s see someone bash their stupid book
“This is what I call a complete waste of time and money“______”easily the worst book I had read in my life”
Finishing move
Passing off Simpsons quotes as original humor_____________________Reciting the next line in the episode
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, book fight, picksburgh stillers, who ya got?, xmas ape, yes i know the vikings are gonna blow it spectacularly this year
October 23rd, 2009 at 8:44 am
”easily the worst book I had read in my life”
Quite an accomplishment, Ape. Judging by that kid’s writing, I’m guessing he’s probably read three or four books in his life.
October 23rd, 2009 at 8:45 am
I LOL’ed in my office
October 23rd, 2009 at 8:45 am
Also, for the mocking points, Drew is fat
October 23rd, 2009 at 8:48 am
Tough call… On one hand, Im a Steelers fan so i have side with Ape…. on the other hand I’m fat so i have to support our weight challenge brothers…
October 23rd, 2009 at 8:53 am
This is a dilly of a pickle.
October 23rd, 2009 at 8:55 am
Drew has kids and the weight advantage. Drew wins.
October 23rd, 2009 at 8:57 am
If we have to choose, we all lose in the end.
/Likes Minny and the points
//Still a Yinzer that thinks Stillers will win
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:01 am
Drew has kids and the weight advantage. Drew wins.
Since when has having kids ever constituted a win?
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:07 am
On the one hand, fat guy and bacon. On the other, Ape appears to be blowing the greatest smoke ring of all time. Or he’s blowing that cat’s foot. Jeepers, Nimby’s right–dilly of a pickle.
I’m gonna have to root for the whole stadium to get bacon lung.
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:08 am
Rappaport.
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:13 am
When will people learn that fan-generated music videos never work out well?
Also, the font on the cover of Ape’s book is way more badass, so I’m going with that. Tough call though. A couple of gritty, Welkerian challengers.
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:15 am
Ape, it’s is proof Drew isn’t a virgin, assuming the DNA test was correct.
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:23 am
Never gets laid anymore. Fucks a cat.
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:32 am
I think Drew wins this one by a chin, or two or three….
/He’s fat
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:38 am
Drew wins….everything is better with bacon.
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:39 am
Since when has having kids ever constituted a win?
It’s a reminder that the females in Drew’s life are family members, and not something sad and pathetic. You know, like cats named after comic book characters.
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:40 am
This was a regular Sophie’s Choice, until I was dumb enough to click on that youtube video. Drew gets minus infinity points for being in the same fanbase as those people.
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:40 am
Tackleberry v. Rappaport. This has the feel of a Giants Stadium parking lot fight.
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:42 am
Remember, Ape did survive at the end of True Romance
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:43 am
Let Drew’s picture be a lesson to you, kids. Hanging bacon always leads to surprise buttsechs.
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:43 am
Drew, but only because of his supple bosom
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:45 am
and THIS replaces Sexy Friday?
/pokes eyes out wih sharp corner of 2 lousy books
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:45 am
I’m going to need an attrocious Pittsburgh fan video in order to make an informed decision.
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:54 am
and THIS replaces Sexy Friday?
No.
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:56 am
The horrid Vikings fan video (The fuck? Was that a Tarvaris jersey?) Pushed this solidly into Ape’s corner.
For those of you keeping with the fat… let’s not forget Fat Steeler Chick.
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:57 am
It was close, but the Viking headgear trumps the Pirates cap every time.
\Back to staring fondly at Eva. Seems like such a nice girl.
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:03 am
@ Biggus Rickus:
You asked for it: We All Bleed Black and Gold”
The child abuse may tip the scales for you.
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:03 am
given this tidbit of information:
“Justin Adler is a graduate of the University of Arizona.”
I’d say there’s a fair chance he was reading the book either backwards or upside down.
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:05 am
Okay, so I bought Drew’s book. BUT I haven’t read it yet. Hmmm. Planning similar maneuver with Ape’s. Hmmm. I like Cats, but I like Bacon also. Oh, the struggle. WAIT. ZOMG> I HATE BRETT FAVRE! I almost forgot. Phew. So, I got Ape. Also, I can see the handwriting…Chilly will get an extension and then Favre will play coy and/or his arm really will finally fall off. (Evil grin). And it will all go down in a Favrian apocalypse in MinaSt.Pauliana.
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:07 am
BabySexCannon- Or more likely, he paid a guy to read it for him so he could pop a few bars of Xanax and head to a pool party.
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:11 am
Are all the girls in MN as pasty as the girls in that video?
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:12 am
Holy fuck those reviews were harsh. Those must be of the most joyless people in the world
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:13 am
Some of the most joyless people, fuck posting from my phone
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:13 am
Production values and choreography were much better in the Minnesota video. Also, I didn’t see anyone with his shirt off nor anyone trying to extort $50 from a five year old. Drew it is.
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:15 am
I meant “some of the most joyless people in the world”
/awful at typing on tiny phone keyboard
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:15 am
As a Packers fan, I hate Brett Favre and the Vikings with a fiery passion that I cannot even begin to describe. But on the other hand, I hate all those bandwagon faggot Steelers fans with their stupid terrible towels that are fucking everywhere. I hope everyone on both teams gets swine flu, they tie this game and they lose the rest of their games.
BTW, I haven’t read nor plan to read either shitty book.
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:16 am
Are all the girls in MN as pasty as the girls in that video?
She looked positively tanned compared to most chicks in Minnesota.
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:27 am
This is easy. Gotta go with Drew. The towel thing is just too retarded to support in any fashion. Also, the picture suggest Drew likes bacon. I like bacon. So, there you go.
Also, I kinda wish I had one of those Viking hats.
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:28 am
@ Cutlerfuck….my favorite local bar has now been taken over by those terrible towel douches, and it pisses me off. I have been going to the same bar for 4 years to watch football, and now all of a sudden there are 50 guys in Steeler’s gear being loud and obnoxious demanding “the best team in football” be put on every god damn tv. I tell those guys they are about 850 miles west of where they need to be.
Someone must have sprayed the one Steeler fan we had in KS with water and fed it after midnight or some shit.
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:28 am
Holy shit the book’s on sale for 12 bucks!
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:30 am
Wait wait wait wait…..hold the phone here…….where were the 260+ extra pounds on that “Steelers” representation chick in the Minny video anyways?
Also the Vikings women too.
But I have to side with Big Daddy Balls here……how can you HATE the Cleveland Browns? That’s like hating a one legged, one-eyed dog…….you pity, not hate!
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:34 am
On second thought, I might accept buttsechs as a consequence of bacon.
Mmmmmm … bacon.
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:38 am
this post = all sorts of awesome, but it would have been better if maj or flubby wrote it. no maj. flubby is too lazy to come up with that many jokes.
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:40 am
Picks protracted fights with only the most retarded commenters
Hey, that’s me!
-PacSunBro
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:45 am
Admit it, Drew, that was you in drag dancing in the video wasn’t it?
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:50 am
I am going with the Vikings in this game and the rest of the season. My only hope is that they go 19-0 so that Bret Favre can finally get the media attention he deserves. Damned east coast media bias.
October 23rd, 2009 at 11:00 am
I thought Drew’s wife was supposed to be hot. And blind. And into charity.
October 23rd, 2009 at 11:00 am
To see Rappaport juggling a cat is a personal dream of mine. Much love, Drew.
fist bump? blow it up?
October 23rd, 2009 at 11:01 am
this is easily the best one of these things there’s ever been.
October 23rd, 2009 at 11:08 am
Drew wins ( I can’t believe this hasnt been mentioned yet). I have been to Minnesota many, many times, but have never seen this monstrosity.
October 23rd, 2009 at 11:10 am
When will Tosh.0 give Fat Steelers Girl her web redemption segment? Or was she already on The Biggest Loser and I missed it?
October 23rd, 2009 at 11:13 am
Steve Phillips would hit that.
October 23rd, 2009 at 11:13 am
How the hell do you get an avatar? I don’t see anywhere to edit your profile or anything……
October 23rd, 2009 at 11:16 am
http://en.gravatar.com/
Register here for setting up your avatar.
October 23rd, 2009 at 11:16 am
I think you need to set up a wordpress profile.
October 23rd, 2009 at 11:22 am
The towel thing is just too retarded to support in any fashion.
Douglas Adams is disappointed in you, Slash.
Obviously going with Ape and the Steelers, but the fact that Drew’s living room seems to be painted the same color as mine is enough to make me worry that Favre will go out there and have too much fun against the secondary.
October 23rd, 2009 at 11:34 am
Pixar Character Most Closely Resembled:
Mr. Incredible ________________________________ Petulant dinosaur from Toy Story
October 23rd, 2009 at 11:41 am
Whatever. I totally look more like Linguine from Ratatouille.
October 23rd, 2009 at 11:44 am
Mr. Incredible? More like Ham.
October 23rd, 2009 at 11:49 am
My alternative choices were WALL-E and the tubby German caterpillar from A Bug’s Life.
October 23rd, 2009 at 11:50 am
Dear Ape,
please don’t tell Choco Taco that Antoine Winfield isn’t playing on Sunday. Just please… it’s better that he doesn’t know that he can throw for 450 against us.
October 23rd, 2009 at 11:51 am
This couldn’t have been done totally sober.
October 23rd, 2009 at 11:53 am
ITouchdownThere Says:
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:34 am
LaFarve…uh what the hell is FMRA?
@ ITouch… That is she, about two posts above.
October 23rd, 2009 at 11:53 am
….or three posts above!
October 23rd, 2009 at 11:56 am
Ya know, I’m a part time Vikings fan, cause it’s my families favorite team (excluding me, somehow, I ended following San Diego), But after listening to my dad complain about how poor my teams Defense was on Monday night, after his let up like 300yds in the 4th quarter…
Fuck it…
I’m cheering for Meteor,
Meteor is an option right?
October 23rd, 2009 at 11:58 am
PixChaFlaWa.
October 23rd, 2009 at 12:05 pm
If Ape actually makes it to the game, I’ve gotta go with him. Drew can’t even get a plane flight arranged. Wah, it was Gawker’s fault. I was too busy eating bacon, while jackin’ it, as I was pooping to check on the details, wah.
October 23rd, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Ah thanks Spanky…I am fairly new, so now its clearer
October 23rd, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Need Fantasy Halp:
QB: BrittFar @ Steerels or Warner @ NYG
WR: Manningham vs. Buzzsaw or Miles Austin vs. ATL
TE: Heath vs. MIN or Olsen vs. Cincy
/would have written in for the mailbag, but has no pertinent sexy question
//fuck you, Ryan Grant
October 23rd, 2009 at 12:15 pm
I’d be
FutureMrsGreinke,Allen or Dawkins
October 23rd, 2009 at 12:16 pm
‘ Petulant dinosaur from Toy Story’…Rex?
Long time no read fmra.
October 23rd, 2009 at 12:21 pm
“Whose was the second huge black cock he ever saw?” Thats right, if you’re blindfolded it neeeever happened.
October 23rd, 2009 at 12:25 pm
@Sex Cannon and the City: I say go with Favraro (Warner is going to get his head taken off by the Giants D this week), Austin (never know if Moishe is gonna tell Eli to throw more to Smith or Nicks, plus Hixon is back in the receiving mix), and Heath (as others have pointed out, tight ends tend to do well against the Vikings)
October 23rd, 2009 at 12:51 pm
@Sex Cannon
Heath Miller. Vikings hate defending TEs. It’s a scientific fact.
October 23rd, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Drew looks silly…. Ape looks like a complete douche, a runner up for an Icy Hot Stuntaz off-shoot.
Chins wins.
October 23rd, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Man, I was so smart to jump onto the Steelers bandwagon in the mid-1980s. What an initial glorious run that was!
/picks another fight with a fucktard and his predictable hating
October 23rd, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Any post that reminds us how shitty the Icy Hot Stuntaz are is a good post.
I’ll side with Chinny McFatBack over Mr. Feline Pussy Basket since Mr. FPB is my sworn arch enemy as a Stiller fan and I cannot support such shenanigans.
/Uh, er, uh, but make sure the Stiller DEF plays well this weekend since I have them in FFB. A 3-0 Minny win would suffice, thanks.
October 23rd, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Look at Ape’s impressive cd collection? Is it alphabetized perchance?
October 23rd, 2009 at 1:15 pm
Ape -10 for chucking side AND downward dueces while STILL holding the towel.
October 23rd, 2009 at 1:21 pm
I admit that whenever I visit another city, I bring along my Terrible Towel and one of my 11 different Steelers jerseys just in case we’re going to a sports bar. I want to make sure everybody is well aware of my allegiance to the greatest franchise in the history of American sports. I know it annoys a few people. But I figure they’re either a) jealous because their team sucks or 2) angry because they weren’t lucky enough to be born in the City of Champions. I don’t really care either way since we’re better than everybody else.
October 23rd, 2009 at 1:35 pm
I vote for the funny one.
October 23rd, 2009 at 1:39 pm
After watching those pasty Minnesotans in that retarded video, I know wish for all the teams in Minnesota to FAIL.
That was the gayest thing I’ve seen in a while. People actually waste precious time in their lives for this?
/As I waste my time reading this blog… Daily.
October 23rd, 2009 at 1:40 pm
I meant now…
Whatever…
October 23rd, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Fuck both these guys. They both banned me from Deadspin for no good reason and I hate them.
October 23rd, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Sure, the Steelers win with class and dignity, their owner is an honest man and they hire non-retarded head coaches, but that’s boring. My Vikings are fucking interesting. Sex cruises, Whizzinators, West African drug rings, driving a car through a goddamn brick wall at a Burger King in Mankato, Minnesota…the dizzying highs, the terrifying lows, the creamy middles, you never know what you’re going to get when you’re a Vikings fan.
October 23rd, 2009 at 2:25 pm
In Meenesota, first ju get de Favre, den ju get de touchdowns, den ju get de weemen.
October 23rd, 2009 at 2:39 pm
Please tell me we have a live blog for this game. Please please please please please.
October 23rd, 2009 at 3:04 pm
Steelers Ownership:
The Rooneys, who are drunken Fenian bastards, hell-bound Papists, Ambassadors to a shitty country and a clan whose fortune relies solely on the whims of a leprechaun only they can see.
Vikings Ownership:
The Wilfs. They’re dirty New Jersey Jews.
ADVANTAGE: VIKINGS
October 23rd, 2009 at 3:22 pm
There goes Ape again being predictable. What’s the matter, when your cat naps you got nothing else to do? I hear they sleep like 17 hours a day. VIKINGS WIN!
/No excuse for that Vikings video, which that guy does every week
//Has cat myself
///Unabashed Vikings fan that knows the team is going to get blown out Eli style in New Orleans
October 23rd, 2009 at 3:50 pm
@Nimby,
as far as phonetic humor goes, that was the worst I’ve ever seen/read. We may be a quasi-retarded-fly-over-state, but we pronounce our “y”’s, asshead. We aren’t fucking Argentinian.
October 23rd, 2009 at 4:45 pm
@Nimby
That was amazingly, hysterically, off base! I would much rather talk like Tony Montana than Drew Magary though, so … was that what you were going for?
October 23rd, 2009 at 5:26 pm
I was just glancing at the newest issue of Maxim magazine at work & I couldn’t believe my eyes… right there on page #113, in a Castrol GTX advertisement, was KSK’s very own Big Daddy Drew!!!
Unfortunately, I am unable to locate the ad anywhere on the interwebs, so I am currently unable to send a link, but the resemblance is startling!
October 23rd, 2009 at 7:11 pm
This pleases me.
October 23rd, 2009 at 7:31 pm
Hmm, I’ll side w/ whoever the ex-marine blogger picks. What’s that, the fat one? Ok then, the fat one.
October 23rd, 2009 at 7:39 pm
Ape, James Harrison’s huge black cock is incredibly disappointed that it has yet to meet you.
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:32 pm
The fat shit in the viking helmet. Viking helmets are comical.
October 24th, 2009 at 1:34 am
WON’T ANYBODY THINK OF THE TOWELS?
October 24th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
Mr. Incredible, maybe, but what about the bee in A Bug’s Life? Too bad no one actually remembers that movie though.
And I just finished Football Fan’s Manifesto yesterday, actually. I’m going to see about starting a malfeasance fantasy football league next year. I think it may be the one way I can finally beat this one guy in my current league. Gotta do what I gotta do.