Well, at Least You’re Less Perverted than Roman Polanski: the KSK Sex/Fantasy Football Mailbag
For those of you who may be wondering, we didn’t request your sex/fantasy football questions yesterday because we now get enough emails to power the mailbag without having to remind anyone. Oh my God! The mailbag — it’s self-sustaining!
Before we dive in, I’d like to offer up some fantasy talking points that stick out to me this week.
Trades: I’ve said in the past that we really don’t get a feeling for how the season is going to shape up until Week 4. Prior to that the sample size is just too small to figure out what’s a fluke and what’s a trend. So, unless you’ve lost a key starter for six weeks or more, I think it’s wise to hold off on making a trade until after this week’s games.
T.J. Houshmandzadeh: I was high on Housh before the season, believing that he’d bring his trend of 100-catch seasons to Seattle. While I still believe his numbers will improve in the coming weeks, it’s obvious that both Seneca Wallace and Matt Hasselbeck prefer targeting Nate Burleson. I apologize to anyone who listened to me. If it’s any consolation, I also suggested you draft Matt Schaub.
The Jets: The Jets’ defense will F your fantasy team right in the A. In the first three weeks, they completely shut down Matt Schaub, Andre Johnson, and Tom Brady, then held Chris Johnson under 100 yards rushing and without a touchdown. I’d never be so crazy to suggest benching Drew Brees this Sunday, but in the coming weeks be prepared for your players to struggle when they face Rex Ryan’s pussy-tubin’ crew.
Now then. On to your questions!
KSK,
i love my lady and she loves me. our sex is very good but not adventurous. neither of our sexual histories contain much pizazz. she has a birthday coming up and i’d like to add a little spice to our routine. Whats a good present for her? i want something thats a small addition to the bedroom, nothing that may indicate that i am freaky-deaky…just a dude wanting to make sure his lady is satisfied. Is it something as simple as a new posish?
That’s cool with me, it’s not my favorite but I’ll do it for you.
Some erotic literature, perhaps?
Erotic literature? No, not unless you two are lovers visiting from the 19th century, in which case erotic literature is exactly the thing you need to moisten her petticoats.
Seriously, I don’t know how vanilla your sex life is, so I’m kind of at a loss. For example, how much does the below Simpsons quote resonate with you?
Apu: Oh, Homer, we have tried everything. Gravity boots, Sanjay’s bed, every possible position.
Homer: Really? On top AND underneath?
Perhaps the gift of lingerie would be a nice way to add some spice without getting too crazy. If she’s not a big lingerie enthusiast or if she has body issues, go with a simple combination that includes a baby doll top: lacy, accentuates cleavage, hides the stomach. It’s the kind of gift that makes her feel sexier while turning you on more. Win-win.
Next year: French tickler, ball gag.
I have a friend who is a ‘Skins fan. Granted I feel bad for him because… well, the ‘Skins suck. How do I sympathize with him and, at the same time, tell him to shut the fuck up already because his incessant bitching has gone on none stop for the last decade?
Love,
me
Only the last decade? Fuck him, and fuck the rest of the ‘Skins fan base, too.
KSK,
Football: Standard 2 RB + flex (not PPR). I’m going with Brandon Jacobs @ KC but I’m uncertain about the other two spots. Ryan Grant @ MIN, McFadden @ HOU, Sproles @ PIT. I also have The Housh @ IND as a possibility for the flex. I’m leaning towards Grant and Sproles but Houston’s defense appears to have more gaping holes than Madonna.
Hooooo boy, you got a dilly of a pickle there. My first inclination was to say Grant and Sproles as well. Then I looked at the numbers for the starting running backs that Houston has faced so far:
Thomas Jones: 20 rushes for 107 yards, 2 TDs
Chris Johnson: 16 rushes for 197 yards, 9 catches for 87 yards, 3 TDs
Maurice Jones-Drew: 23 rushes for 119 yards, 4 catches for 28 yards, 3 TDs
The Steelers, while allowing Cedric Benson to have a decent week (76 yards and a TD on 16 carries), previously bottled up Chris Johnson and Matt Forte — even limiting their catches out of the backfield, which may not bode well for Sproles. Meanwhile, in Ryan Grant’s last three outings against the Vikings, he’s averaged 95 yards per game on 18 carries, with TDs in two of those games.
So assuming Ryan Grant is a go, does this mean start McFadden over Sproles? Maybe, maybe not: none of those stats change the fact that the Chargers are a good team with a good quarterback and the Raiders are a terrible team with a terrible quarterback. The more conservative fantasy football manager would probably go with Grant and Sproles; a gambling man wouldn’t want to miss out on the possibility of McFadden having a big day. Given that you have Grant and Jacobs holding it down at your #1 and #2 spots, I’d say live a little.
Sex: At what age do you think women become inherently against sex in a car? Apparently I’ve decided to try to relive my youth but I’m meeting resistance from the girl I’ve been seeing. And frankly, part of me thinks that she should be cool with it if she likes me (dating over a year), especially since we’re not talking a small confined space inside my car (Honda Element) and I make so much effort for privacy that it almost loses all of the excitement. Also, we’re only in our mid/late 20s which I feel means we should still be doing stupid shit like this.
Thanks,
wtf?
I don’t think it’s there’s a magical age where women stop wanting sex in cars — your mom seems to like it just fine. It’s more likely that in high school, the presence of parents necessitated sex in cars (depending on where/if you went to college, this may also be true of roommates). As women get into their mid-20s, they usually acquire things known as “their own apartment,” which likely includes a private “bedroom” with a soft, elevated surface known as a “bed.” These “beds” tend to be more spacious, comfortable, and private than any car you will ever own, no matter where you park it.
While she shouldn’t ignore your desires, and though I agree that it’s good to mix up your forni-location to add some spice to your sex life, perhaps you should intellectualize this a little bit. Maybe your mid/late 20s is EXACTLY the age you should STOP doing stupid shit like that.
Hello (insert unwitty joke) Gentlemen,
Football first: I had a great running back core to my team (Lynch, Gore, Portis, Hightower, Ricky Williams, F. Jackson). Then Frank Gore goes and gets hurt and Clinton Portis can’t run thanks to an inept passing game. I had it set up nicely with Marshawn Lynch coming off suspension this week. Now, I’m stuck. Gore is out, Portis may be as well. Tim Hightower is on bye, Williams is hit and miss, plus I have issues starting players who are playing against my Bills. It throws my Chi off or some shit. So, what are you feelings on starting both backs in a two back system, i.e. Jackson and Lynch? We start 2 RBs and 1 Flex.
Fuck your Bills. Start players against them.
That said, you pose an intriguing question: given a shitshow of useless RBs on your roster, could you start two running backs on the same team? The answer is yes, as long as those running backs are Chris Johnson and LenDale White, the year is 2008, and the Titans are playing the Lions on Thanksgiving.
The benefit of starting both Fred Jackson and Marshawn is that you’ll get the team’s entire running production. The bad news is that that team is the Buffalo Bills. Anyway, Dick Jauron has been hinting that because it’s Marshawn’s first week back and Jackson has done so well, Jackson will get the bulk of the carries. At the very least, start Jackson.
Sex: Uh, I’m about to get married. The sex is good, I love the girl. I really don’t have a question or problem here. Soooo, how about help with Fantasy so I can be in a good mood when I win and have lovely victory sex?
thanks guys.
-I hate the Dolphins.
Well la dee dah. Have fun losing on Sunday with your shitty running backs.
Dear Cunt Captains,
Football- A friend in a league I’m in is panicking about the depth of his WR core. He is willing to part ways with Ryan Grant for some below average to crappy WR’s. While I have a few crappy players I can throw into the trade to make it look better then is (i.e. Larry Johnson and/or Lee Evans) Is it worth parting ways with either Santonio Holmes or Brent Celek (whose had a damn good first few games) or both of them to take a chance on Grant?
Celek has been scoring — and will likely continue to score — at a rate so high above replacement-level that I wouldn’t consider trading him. Personally, I wouldn’t mind parting with Santonio to get Ryan Grant, but that opinion may be shaded by the fact that I never want to have Steelers on my fantasy team.
Sex- I’ve been dating this woman for a few weeks before which I hadn’t been laid in quite a long time, mostly cause I suck at life. She just recently got back into dating after a few months due to a recent break up which went bad. She broke it off cause the guy was moving out of country. He then called/texted/left notes on her car windshield and even left her a ring before he left. The dickhead is still bothering her today, (mostly through texting, instant messaging etc.). As expected, I believe this is affecting her ability to trust me so the whole relationship is going slow. Without being an asshole, in addition to raining holy hellfire down on her pussy ass piece of shit ex-boyfriend, how should I move things along in order to make her feel comfortable but also not be an ass?
-Thanks,
DA
This is a shitty question, because there are a lot of ways this could go depending on whatever feelings she has for the last guy or has developed for you.
My take: there is absolutely nothing you can do except lay it all on the line with her. I’d recommend explaining your feelings for her and your perception of how her previous relationship is inhibiting her present one, and then be prepared for the consequences: she either needs time to get her head right and work shit out, or you accept the fact that you at least get to enjoy her carnally while that asshole is thousands of miles away.
Of course, my opinion doesn’t rule out the possibility that she just needs someone to help her forget the last guy, and maybe you two can form a connection by making the ex the butt of your jokes, etc. But I wouldn’t bet on it. People who get out relationships and have crazy exes need time before they get into something serious again. I seriously doubt this is worth the drama.
Dear Gang of Sex,
Sex: My girlfriend was in a car crash (other driver was from Pennsylvania, natch) and got a huge Vicodin prescription. We tried fucking on Vicodin and while she says it prevents her from climaxing, it’s really good for me.
Her being on Vicodin is good for you?
So now I take my girlfriend’s Vicodin before we have sex.
Oh, okay. That makes more sense.
Do you think if I do this too much it’ll hurt my chances to peak once her prescription runs out?
I don’t see a problem, as long as you mix the Vicodin sex with regular sex. Make sure that it’s a special treat, not something you’re using every time.
Football: I have Percy Harvin and I want to sell high, especially since I’m set at WR but my RBs are Jacobs, McFadden, D. Brown and Stewart (we start 2). It’s a PPR league that otherwise has default scoring. What RB’s should I aim for in exchange for Harvin?
Best,
Bobby
The best ones you can get your hands on. The limiting factor here is demand; you’re only going to be able to move Harvin to a team that needs a wideout. So take a look at the rosters in your league and choose your target.
There was a commercial during Sons of Anarchy last night where this guy’s banging his wife and can’t stop thinking about his fantasy team… happens to me all the time(except I’m single.) I was already going to write in about that before I saw the ad, except there’s really no question there, it’s just pretty funny to be balls deep in some girl, worried about DeSean Jackson’s groin (did you see the split that asshole did? Questionable my ass. Whatevs I woulda lost anyway.) I guess I’d be interested to know if/where ladies minds wander during sex, shoes probably.
I’m just including this question because my day job compels me to say that, yes, “The League” looks fucking awesome. It premieres October 29th — four weeks hence — after “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” on FX.
Oh, and I don’t know what girls think about when they have sex with you. Me, probably.
Who should I start at D/ST while the Eagles are licking their wounds this week? I’m leaning towards the Niners hosting the Rams, but Cinci at Cleveland is available too.
-ZJF
Get Cincy, and get them now. Don’t be fooled by the Bengals’ shittiness: that’s a defensive unit that can play (lest you forget the pick-six that helped them get past the Steelers last week). Besides, Boller didn’t look all that bad last week after he came into the game.
Sultans of Twat,
Football first: should I trade Smirretime for Pierre Thomas in a non-PPR league? My WRs also include Housh (@Indy), Boldin (bye), Driver (@Min), and Something called a Mike Sims-Walker (@Ten). My RBs are DeAngelo (bye this week), Gore (out 3 weeks), McFadden (@Hou), Donald Brown (vs Sea), and Choice (@Denver). Do I need to make this trade, or can I ride out the bye/injury storm without giving up one of my strongest WRs?
There’s some discord here among the KSK ranks. Flubby thinks you’re fine standing pat; Drew thinks you should make the trade for Thomas if it’s straight up; flubby thinks that Thomas is going to get relegated back to second string when Mike Bell gets back; Drew says not with the way Thomas played last week.
The reality is that you know Hines will continue to start and play and produce, while Pierre may get his carries cut as Bell comes back. Here’s the deal: McFadden and Choice are strong plays this week, Driver and Ward are great starting WRs, and you can put Housh or Brown (or even Sims-Walker) in for an acceptable flex. That gets you through DeAngelo’s bye week and buys you some time to figure out more options.
Sex: I loves me my girlfriend, but I can’t for the life of me get her to tend her pubic-garden on a regular basis. I’ve tried coming clean to her and explaining that it hinders my desire to go down on her–to which she responds that she will take care of it–but there is rarely any follow-through. I’m not asking that she keeps herself to a constant routine of brazilian waxes (nice though it would be), but I think it’s fair, since I keep meself all tidy-like for her.
Thanks. Or go fuck yourselves if you don’t help,
-At a loss for Wards
Shave that goatee!
I myself hope to see a vagina up close one day, and I can only pray that the lucky woman in question has enough decency and human compassion to tend to her bush, not like the inhuman monster you’re unfortunate enough to date. Regarding your question, flubby says:
Why not offer to assist her with the grooming after a hot shower? Foreplay and some hedge trimming in one fell swoop.
Hello (Too-Wordy, Not Nearly Clever Enough Description of You Guys),
Football: I’m in a 12 team league with two RB positions and no flex. My starting RBs (Gore and Kevin Smith) are both hurt (though Smith is going to play against the Bears). I picked up Glen Coffee as protection, but between Smith (against the Bears), Coffee (vs. the Rams) and Donald Brown (Seattle), which is the best starting pair?
The Rams are fucking terrible, and Coffee’s going to get 20 or more touches. Definitely start him. And I’d give Smith a slight edge over Brown — the Bears are a tougher defense, but Smith is likely to get more touches.
Side question: How the fuck did DeSean Jackson become the top-scoring fantasy WR?
Yards and touchdowns, mostly.
Sex: My fiance can’t take birth control, so our sex life still revolves around condoms (plus some serious on-the-rag action). I don’t necessarily mind the condom, but is there a better alternative than getting a vasectomy? Ever experiment with fucking terrible ideas like the rhythm method?
-Anonymous
All right, first things first, as I give you the necessary RESPONSIBLE answer: condoms and/or birth control are the best ways to prevent pregnancy (I pretend abstinence doesn’t exist), and — though the chances are slim — your girlfriend actually CAN get pregnant while having her period.
And now for the much-more-fun OTHER OPTIONS: Your lady can always do it old-school and get a diaphragm, you can get spermicidal lubricant at just about any pharmacy, and I recommend you pull out and ejaculate wherever you feel like — her stomach, her breasts, her mouth, those silk throw pillows you never liked. Hey, she should thank you for being thoughtful enough to consider your family planning concerns.
Football – Should I start Philip Rivers against the Pittsburgh defense, or Jay Cutler against the Lions? My league starts one QB, with standard Yahoo scoring.
That’s a tough one, but standard Yahoo scoring projects Cutler to get 17 points, Rivers to get 12. Ordinarily Yahoo projections make me want to strangle Andy Behrens, but five points is a pretty big gap. Not to mention you KNOW the Steelers have a solid D, you KNOW the Lions are bad, plus Cutler’s at home while Rivers is away. So I guess… start Cutler. (Famous last words, those.)
Sex – I’m a fat, virgin, high school senior, and i’m just fine with that. Should i get off my ass and try to shave some inches, or just stick to wanking it in my socks? i leave my future to you.
Well, you should get off your ass and lose some inches, but not to get laid. You should do it because you want to walk up stairs without getting winded, because you don’t want to develop diabetes, because you like being able to see your toes, because the older you get the harder it is to get physically fit. Basically, you should want to lose some weight because you’ll feel better and live longer (and probably have more sex, too).
Which isn’t to say that looking more attractive to the opposite sex can’t be a motivating factor for taking care of yourself — you just need to keep in mind that losing weight won’t automatically get you laid. There’s still the whole aspect of talking to girls and impressing them enough to the point where they want to get naked with you. I mean, I’m reasonably thin and perfectly comfortable speaking to the opposite sec, and I still don’t get laid very often.
…perhaps it has something to do with staying in at night and writing a column about fantasy football. Call me, ladies!
Tags: captain caveman, don't expect it this early every week, Roman Polanski also likes hairless vaginas, the KSK football sex advice mailbag
![[badge]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/themes/default/images/100121_FOXmsnBadge_200x50.gif)
October 1st, 2009 at 1:58 pm
To the guy with the lady who lacks grooming – tell her to get fucking serious. Say those exact words.
October 1st, 2009 at 2:00 pm
She just recently got back into dating after a few months due to a recent break up which went bad. She broke it off cause the guy was moving out of country. He then called/texted/left notes on her car windshield and even left her a ring before he left. The dickhead is still bothering her today, (mostly through texting, instant messaging etc.).
********************************************************************************************
Something about that rings hollow. If they broke up, why did he leave her a ring ?
Methinks you’re dating a girl whose guy moved out of the country to Iraq or Afghanistan.
October 1st, 2009 at 2:06 pm
You guys could probably use the “Roman Polanski also likes hairless vaginas” tag every week.
October 1st, 2009 at 2:08 pm
At a loss for Wards, make a bet with her you know you can’t lose. Then bet her if you win she has to shave her pubes. That’s how I got an ex-gf to shave.
Also, Harvin, J. Jones, or Santonio for my flex spot this week (PPR league)?
October 1st, 2009 at 2:14 pm
This is for WTF: have you ever tried sex on a pool table? Fuck and yes is all I have to say. Maybe I’m not like all these ladies that you guys write in every week bitching about, but sex on pool tables, car hoods, dryers, holding myself up in a doorjamb… it’s all gravy. However, sex IN a car is awkward and uncomfortable and the only thing I can ever think about is how goddamn uncomfortable the steering column in the small of my back is. Seriously, there are WAY better places to have sex.
I also want to give kudos for pulling out the Tenacious D reference. It reminded me of my boyfriend singing it to me for no goddamn reason at all and that made me happy.
/Ah, love.
October 1st, 2009 at 2:17 pm
The Brees advice is interesting. Somehow the Bills D held him in check.
October 1st, 2009 at 2:21 pm
@Rocco, the N.O. running game held Brees in check.
October 1st, 2009 at 2:22 pm
@UU Didn’t Tomlin just compliment Santonio on his blocking this week?
@ Plax’s Owie Tawny?!?
October 1st, 2009 at 2:23 pm
to the lady who won’t trim: thank you. about time a woman looked like a woman and not a kid
to the guys who want her to shave it off: you are pedophiles you creeps
October 1st, 2009 at 2:24 pm
To Friend of Skins Fan,
Maybe it’s because I’m a Giants fan and I enjoy watching the Danny ruin a once proud and dangerous franchise and division opponent. Same feeling watching Romo implode, Wade shake his fat head in defeat or watching McNabb leisurely fail in the Super Bowl. Part of being a true fan is to suffer during the bad times. I know, there have been many for the GMen. it only makes victory more sweet. Bottom line, tell him to have some goddamn dignity and shut the fuck up. It’s very unmanly to burden others with your problems.
Ro
October 1st, 2009 at 2:25 pm
@Bills fan: Jauron said this morning on the radio that, estimating 60-70 plays on offense, he wants a balanced offense, so 30-35 rushes, split evenly between Jackson and Lynch, with Jackson the likely starter.
October 1st, 2009 at 2:26 pm
@UU: That too. But in the first half, before Pierre Thomas ran all over them, Brees was at best average. I’d like to think the Jets D is much better than the Bills’.
October 1st, 2009 at 2:27 pm
All this talk about car sex in the mail bag and not one “…like the back of a Volkswagen” joke?
For shame.
October 1st, 2009 at 2:30 pm
quick fantasy question for you commenters since i forgot about the mailbag: brady vs. ravens or shaun hill vs. rams? cbs predicts 21 for brady, 19 for hill. i took brady in the first round but that wouldn’t start me from sitting him when the respective matchups recommend it, so i’m leaning towards hill. any suggestions?
October 1st, 2009 at 2:36 pm
El Duke: Mallrats. Well played, well played indeed.
October 1st, 2009 at 2:36 pm
I’m guessing that last guy is actually “STFU” Rob – the infamous, blubbering New York Giants fan.
October 1st, 2009 at 2:37 pm
@ DancingBaptist:
I agree, I think the dude “DA” talked about is in Iraq/Afganistan, and if that is the case, he needs to get the hell out of dodge, like, yesterday.
October 1st, 2009 at 2:39 pm
@maxwelldemon: fuck you, guy. i hate hair in my teeth, and quite frankly, shaved pussy is sexy pussy.
October 1st, 2009 at 2:40 pm
Thanks CC for the effort. Much appreciated.
And shave that shit ladies. Bald.
October 1st, 2009 at 2:40 pm
I assume maxwell is either European, or disgusting.
October 1st, 2009 at 2:41 pm
@Maxwelldemon
If I may quote Jerry Glanville’s Pigskin Footbrawl “TROLL TROLL TROLL TROLL”
October 1st, 2009 at 2:41 pm
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. If your girlfriend won’t shave or trim downstairs, send her to me. I’ll keep her MORE than satisfied. She’s happy, I’m happy, you can find something else to complain about.
October 1st, 2009 at 2:41 pm
At a Loss for Wards-
Definitely offer to groom her after a shower. I did that with an ex, and it was a HUGE turn on.
The real problem is she is lazy and doesn’t fucking care if she is trimmed or not. You are never going to stop dealing with that. And there’s nothing worse than fucking a girl with a five o’clock shadow between her legs. It stabs you every time you thrust.
October 1st, 2009 at 2:42 pm
@maxwelldemon
You’re an idiot. If you want an explanation for dudes preferring shaved chicks, blame porn, not pedophilia.
Personally I like the wife to periodically switch things up between shaved and unshaved. Variety being the spice of life and all that.
October 1st, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Don’t buy your woman lingerie for her birthday. If you want to spice things up with something that will benefit the both of you, http://www.sexramps.com/liberator-shapes.htm.
Thank god I’m not the only one stuck in Gore, Portis, LT running back hell this season.
October 1st, 2009 at 2:43 pm
@maxwelldemon:
why shave her bush? so you don’t get a pube stuck in your throat and then spend the next 43 minutes trying to retch it out
October 1st, 2009 at 2:46 pm
I spent the past six months having sex in a van. The only problem was the girls leaving their teddy bears around.
There is nothing more enjoyable than having 13 European passengers sitting on a bench that just hours ago hosted sexxy time.
October 1st, 2009 at 2:46 pm
@babysexcannon
Some of us just prefer to go down on a girl and not get a mouthful of pubic hairs, and I think a lot of men would prefer shaved partners even if porn and pedophiles did not exist.
October 1st, 2009 at 2:50 pm
So she’s too lazy to shave? Get a rag soaked in ether, a razor and a can of shaving cream. Problem solved.
October 1st, 2009 at 2:55 pm
no simpsons reference tag?
October 1st, 2009 at 2:57 pm
My older brother started banging in the 80s when hairy snatch was acceptable. He then continued on into the 90s when shaving came into vogue. He told me he had no idea what took so long for the grooming.
His opinion, plus the fact that hairy bushes suck, should pretty much end this debate. Agreed? Agreed. As you were.
October 1st, 2009 at 3:03 pm
@ birthday coming up dude: If you don’t think it’s going too far, try a sex toy. The fugly ex and I added a nice vibrator/dildo, and damn if that didn’t get her into some stuff. By stuff I mean getting her off with the vibrator while me giving her a Russian. Which can also lead to an “accidental” facial. Good times.
October 1st, 2009 at 3:08 pm
@Upstate Underdog: that’s great advice, and I’m going to have to try that myself. Just need to find the right bet.
@Fat, virgin, senior. The best advice I can give you is this: learn to surf. It is the best thing I ever did with my life. You will get into shape, you will genuinely feel better about yourself and your life, and the combination of these two is guaranteed* to get you laid. And let’s not forget the most important part – surfing is fucking fun.If you don’t know how to swim, learn to swim and then learn to surf. If you don’t live near the ocean, find a college near the ocean and go there, then learn to surf.
*not a guarantee.
October 1st, 2009 at 3:14 pm
The last two paragraphs should be required reading for all overweight kids in America.
October 1st, 2009 at 3:15 pm
Zack is wrong. You should do a shitload of steroids, and only do bench presses and curls with some ab-work every now and then. Surfing is scary – sharks eat people.
/dead-serious about steroids. God I wish I did them in High School.
October 1st, 2009 at 3:15 pm
Just so we’re clear, guys should definitely be shaved too… like, *nicely shaved* and none of this “well there’s dog hair around” when I’m trying to pull the hair out of my mouth, I know it’s from your penis area dumbass, since my mouth was just there… do unto others, children…
October 1st, 2009 at 3:16 pm
As much as it pains me, I had to bench Breesus in favor of Schaub against the Raiders.
October 1st, 2009 at 3:40 pm
To Paraphrase Dave Attell: “I’ve heard about these things called Brazilian waxes, but I’ve never seen one, I am the guy that sees it a week after the guy it was meant for is long gone.”
Quit bitching about the forest, stating that you trim and she doesn’t makes me wonder who wears the pants.
October 1st, 2009 at 3:43 pm
@Rocco: It was raining and outdoors, Brees will make it rain in the Superdome.
October 1st, 2009 at 3:44 pm
@Sultans of Twat
trade Hines for Pierre Thomas. Do it!
October 1st, 2009 at 3:45 pm
This mailbag needed more anal. I’m disappointed in these emails.
/living vicariously thru the mailbag due to lack of sexlife
October 1st, 2009 at 3:47 pm
To quote the great Andrew Dice Clay, “Mary Mary quite contrary, trim that bush it’s too damn hairy.” Ooooooh!
October 1st, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Oh, Pedo Bear. I know it’s wrong, but I enjoy you so much…
October 1st, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Anonymous-If you don’t plan on having kids…Get the vasectomy!…It takes like 20 min and your good to go in a couple of days. Worry free sex a bonus. Stop breeding ,people! Idiocracy is true! Just look at the fantasy mailbag.
October 1st, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Anonymous DeSean Jackson fan, Hormonal birth control and condoms are not the only options. The contraceptive sponge (yes, like on Seinfeld) is, unlike the diaphragm, widely available without a prescription.
October 1st, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Peter King is going to go suggest Vicodin sex to Brittfarr any day now.
October 1st, 2009 at 4:08 pm
speaking of pedo bear: what’s the worst part about eating bald pussy? taking off the diaper.
October 1st, 2009 at 4:10 pm
Oh, Slash. I know it’s wrong, but I enjoy you so much.
October 1st, 2009 at 4:10 pm
RE car sex: I always sound like the buzzkill, but I’ve never understood wanting to fuck in public places, particularly a car. Isn’t that why grownups buy houses? So they can have a place to fuck and put all their stuff? Sex in the car isn’t even an impressive “fantasy.” It’s not the top of the Empire State Building or Cinderella’s Castle at Disneyland or the end zone during a Super Bowl game.
Places other than a bed, sure. In the car? Why? Maybe if it was the Batmobile or the limo they drive the president around in.
October 1st, 2009 at 4:11 pm
@NMB: Wrong. I live 4 miles from the Ralph, and it didn’t rain. It was a little windy, that’s about it.
October 1st, 2009 at 4:35 pm
Carfucker:
Why not compromise? Go get one of those racecar beds Ricky Stratton used to have.
/car sex for tall people sucks
//is 6′7″
///drove a volkswagen golf in high school
October 1st, 2009 at 4:36 pm
@Plax’s Owie Spot
Quite frankly, I don’t think the car is the issue, the woman is. But for the sake of the football advice I didn’t want to get overlooked for writing the book that it would have taken to explain the background of no sex in the champagne car room.
regarding my FF matchup – my opponent is in bye week hell and not looking so tough, so I think I’m gonna gamble and put in McFadden.
October 1st, 2009 at 4:51 pm
RE: Sex in cars – I can say that having sex while driving a car is not a good idea. Especially if you get pulled over. On Memorial Day.
October 1st, 2009 at 5:00 pm
So there are women who actually dont trim or shave off their love box? I dont think i would venture down on a women like that. Seems as this woman isnt the cleanest person around? When you tell her to wipe her ass when you are 69ing does she tell you “ill get to it”
To the fat kid who wants people to tell him to get skinny -the fact that you need anonymous people to tell you to improve your life is remarkable in itself. CC did a great job pointing that out.
\kids probably irish
October 1st, 2009 at 5:01 pm
@Rocco – Please don’t fuck up the mailbag like you did to Sexy Friday!
October 1st, 2009 at 5:02 pm
Careful Rocco, all this typing might affect your dart throwing tonight.
October 1st, 2009 at 5:16 pm
RE Dick Bigdickinson Says:
“So there are women who actually dont trim or shave off their love box? I dont think i would venture down on a women like that. Seems as this woman isnt the cleanest person around? When you tell her to wipe her ass when you are 69ing does she tell you ‘ill get to it’”
I was just gonna leave this issue alone, but fuck it… Adult women have hair on their pussy. There’s nothing unclean about it, provided showering/bathing are taken care of. Implying that insufficient ass-wiping is comparable to having hair on your “love box” is fucking retarded. Are you in high school yet? Cause it kinda sounds like you’re not. Maybe you should actually get a look at an adult pussy (in real life, not on your computer screen) before you render opinions on how they’re supposed to look. Nice screen name, BTW.
October 1st, 2009 at 5:28 pm
Seriously Slash, you’re the one for me.
/elove
//estalker
///what, like no one else here hasn’t done it
October 1st, 2009 at 5:36 pm
@Slash
Actually I did my Doctoral thesis on the correlation between women not shaving their thunder dome and AIDS. 35 % of women who do not shave have a 45% greater chance of contacting AIDS 60% of the time
\burn
\gets my ass bikni waxed
October 1st, 2009 at 5:48 pm
Thanks, Slash. This is actually a pet peeve of mine. People need to stop acting like women with pubic hair are disgusting hags. I’ve been with women who ranged from Brazilian wax to Brazilian rain forest, and never has it been a factor in my enjoyment. I’ll be douchey and quote myself from last year’s “Self-Emasculating Act That Would Be Punishable By Death” commenter draft:
If the evening has progressed to the point where you get to find out what kind of topiary is going on down there, then enjoy it. Unless she’s twatscaped it into the shape of a swastika or Hello Kitty, I could really care less.
October 1st, 2009 at 5:52 pm
RE Dick Bigdickinson: 60% of the time, it works every time.
With your obviously expert grasp of numbers and grammar, I’m sure you’re right. That and the fact that you’ve referred to the vagina as “love box” and now “thunder dome.”
You’re probably trolling anyway, but whatever, I’m not too terribly busy at work and it amuses me to mock people who deserve to be mocked.
October 1st, 2009 at 5:58 pm
I don’t have that much of a problem with a preference for hairless pussy, but when men are expected to routinely remove hair from as many square inches of their body as women now are, I’ll think about routinely waxing my nethers. Until then, fuck no. Shaving your face every day is not remotely similar to shaving your pits, your legs and having all the hair yanked out of your crotch.
October 1st, 2009 at 6:01 pm
Sex in car guy: if comfort is an issue, use the back seat; you sitting, her on top. Works pretty well. Conceived my daughter that way. And use a rubber.
/38 with a 20 year old daughter
October 1st, 2009 at 6:04 pm
@slash
I don’t know what trolling means as I am only an expert in public hair and the shaving of a woman’s gash. If you are making fun of short people, its PC to call them vertically retarted.
Secondly, you shouldn’t mock people as it only shows one’s inability to love the self, which is ultimately what I derived from your harsh comments. Considering that I realize I am at least half your age, its presumed that you do not clean up your tunnel of meat train. I believe the only instance of when a woman should keep their treasure chest hairy would be to conceal a rather ugly, decrepit beat box.
October 1st, 2009 at 6:22 pm
RE Dick Bigdickinson: “Secondly, you shouldn’t mock people as it only shows one’s inability to love the self, which is ultimately what I derived from your harsh comments. Considering that I realize I am at least half your age, its presumed that you do not clean up your tunnel of meat train. I believe the only instance of when a woman should keep their treasure chest hairy would be to conceal a rather ugly, decrepit beat box.”
Whatever, man, that’s just, like, your opinion…
October 1st, 2009 at 6:43 pm
Get a room, you two.
October 1st, 2009 at 6:52 pm
The first, and hopefully only, HaPuFlaWa.
October 1st, 2009 at 7:19 pm
@Bushman…
Most chicks are lazy about the downstairs. Least mine trims the hedges, though I’d much rather prefer smooth silk carpet.
Anyway YOU pay for the waxing and a facial. Suggest the facial first. Like you want to do her a favor. And then while you’re at it, mention that you’d like her to get waxed. Pimply pay for both services, and she wont have much reason to say no.
And vicodin guy, dont get too used to that. Opiates can make your pee pee go limp after a while, and thats why she’s losing sensation. Its nice but just keep it to a treat as our fine mailbagger said.
Carfucker, either get a bigger car, like an RV, or turn it into a bondage session, tie the girl up, put her in trunk, fuck repeatedly.
October 1st, 2009 at 7:22 pm
All this HaPuFlaWa and still no answer to the most important question of our age: Do women also think about their FFB lineups during coitus or not?
October 1st, 2009 at 9:54 pm
Help me with a trade. Should I trade AP, S-Holmes, Garcon, Felix Jones for B-Marsh, Roddy White, Jerricho, and Sproles (possibly, Thomas Jones)? My team lacks WRs very badly and is set at RB.
October 1st, 2009 at 10:53 pm
Be like Peezy and Tell her to “FIX YO BUSH”!
October 1st, 2009 at 11:25 pm
Having recently experienced my first hairy taco after a 5 year relationship with a lovely girl who groomed with class and artistic merit, I can tell you, I would rather go back to war than face that again. That shit is fucking nasty. Forget the fact that it’s like making out with Santa. A hairy bush will collect more sweat in a night than a, and I really like this word, smooth thunderdome. No thank you sir, make mine a smoothy
October 1st, 2009 at 11:49 pm
You damn kids with your trimmed this and landscaped that. Back in my day if you ever got a chance to see an actual vagina it was, well I’m pretty sure it inspired the Chia Pet. I have to question some of all y’alls technique if you can’t figure out how to part the pubic sea to get to the holiest of holies. Shit’s not that hard. Dated a girl a few years back who didn’t shave anything. Anything. I dated her for 4 years and when it was over I found myself trolling the European model sites in search of girls with armpit hair.
I have gotten over that.
Yes, I will also have the smoothie please.
October 2nd, 2009 at 12:37 am
Birthday guy: Get a Victoria’s Secret gift card for her. All the ladies say don’t buy their underwear for them. She can make her choice and surprise you at a later date. Read earlier in the comments about a vibrator/dildo type thing. Good advice. Make sure it’s a small battery operated device that is in no way intimidating. If you break out the “Annaconda” she may think you are harboring some latent trait. Keep it small, I recommend 2 double “A” type small. This is the actual birthday present.
Finally, @I Hate The Dolphins, guy. Best of luck and I wish you nothing but the best with your upcoming marriage. Write today’s date down and talk to us in exactly three years from that date. You will have a question then and we will give you some advice. Buh-lee DAT!
October 2nd, 2009 at 12:43 am
/previous posts written while rocking out to the “Medicinal Grade, California grown, Northern Lights”.
//ooh, Bugs Bunny!
October 2nd, 2009 at 2:03 am
PEDOBEAR!!!
October 2nd, 2009 at 8:47 am
Listen, I had nothing to do with with Sexy Friday. And my dart throwing was stellar. Thanks for asking Flubby.
October 2nd, 2009 at 11:25 am
Since I missed it yesterday (Hey, I have a life…lifey-like existence…nevermind), I’ll just throw my two cents on the two big topics:
1. For both men and women: IF you want oral attention to your nether regions, then you better take care of them. Trim, shave, whatever. If it feels like I’m kissing Chewbacca, I ain’t doing it. And I like doing it. So imagine how it ruins people who are on the fence about it.
2. To the fat senior HS virgin: I’ll give you the reason for getting off your fat ass that goes beyond just sex. And it’s simple. It’s called time.
You’ve already spent your years in HS being a fat virgin. If you don’t get the willpower now to try and change it, you will go through college being a fat virgin. And guess what? You’ll leave college as you entered it and move into the adult world as a fat virgin, only this time you’ll find it even harder to change it. Now you’ll be the fat virgin co-worker that the cute girl in the office finds friendly and harmless, but would never do. You’ll be left using new socks and paying for girls on Craigslist (which I’m told is a crapshoot).
The longer you wait, the tougher it’ll be because you reinforce habits (both good and bad) the longer you live with them. So get off your butt right now and start doing something so that the next 4 years aren’t like the last 4 years.
Oh and if I can make a recommendation: when you pick a college, choose one that has 1)a great football program and/or 2)is in a warm place (i.e. coeds in bikinis by March). Preferably both.
October 2nd, 2009 at 1:47 pm
@ Slash
From my professional life I can tell you that probably 80-90% of women between the ages of 16 and 40 do some form of maintainence to their bush. And off those it’s probably 50-50 between getting rid of all of it or leaving a landing strip.
/no I haven’t been keeping a tally on the side
//this probably wasn’t very ‘professional’
October 2nd, 2009 at 1:57 pm
People who go to college while fat are the dumbest fuckers on the planet. It’s COLLEGE! It’s four years of nearly unlimited access to all the goddamn smoking hot pussy (or if you’re a lady : extremely attractive… beef) you can even IMAGINE.
And you’re going to be FAT for those four years? Guaranteeing yourself that nobody will be interested in you, except maybe another fatty who also apparently has no willpower, nor a desire to look good? All the hot girls and guys are going to be checking out the other hot girls and guys. Not your fat ass.
You’re 19 or 20 years old, losing weight is a fucking walk in the park at that age. You can be trim again in like five weeks. Make the effort, and fucking ENJOY college.
Trust me, there is little enjoyment to be had in life AFTER college. And trying to lose weight in your mid 30s sucks fucking ass.
October 2nd, 2009 at 8:03 pm
it’s called basic grooming… unless you’re a hairy, pachollii loving, nag champa burnin’ hippie… tell her the 70’s called, they want their hairy porn bush back…
October 2nd, 2009 at 9:34 pm
@ Vicodin Bobby: NJ drivers are approximately 475,925,729 times worse than PA drivers. Not sure if it’s the lack of left turns or what, but they are the pits.
+1 Reggie Bush’s Pimp…I take the time to make sure the hedges are at the very least trimmed; any man I see naked should do likewise.