Andy Rooney Reviews Week 3 Of The NFL Season
Tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick…
There’s been a lot of grumbling over the years for a national amendment to the Constitution to legalize gay marriage. There are a lot of rights that married couples have that the pillow-biters don’t have. But what about the rights that gay couples have? Like the right to go into a bathroom stall and have sex whenever they want? Being the same gender means they can use the same bathroom. Straight couples can’t do that. This really has nothing to do with football. I just find it interesting.
The Miami Dolphins are one of six teams to start the season 0-3. The others are the Rams, Browns, Chiefs, Titans, and Buccaneers. The Tennessee Titans won their division last year. So did the Dolphins. The Buccaneers almost won their division, but they didn’t. And the Chiefs and Browns weren’t even close to winning their divisions. Winning a division is hard in pro football. It’s not as hard as winning a conference, but it’s harder than winning a single game.
The Pittsburgh Steelers have lost two games in a row, first to the Chicago Bears and then this past weekend to the Cincinnati Bengals. They seem to have trouble against teams from cities starting with the letter C, but why? How would they do against the Carolina Panthers? The team plays in Charlotte, North Carolina. That starts with C, but they don’t call themselves Charlotte, they call themselves Carolina. “Carolina” starts with C, but Carolina’s not a city. It’s not even a state. Maybe its an American territory, like Guam. Lovely summers in Guam, though the child prostitution there isn’t what it used to be.
Brett Favre threw another game-winning touchdown pass last weekend. San Francisco 49ers coach Mike Singletary only played six defensive backs against Favre on that last defensive play, but why? Why not play eleven defensive backs? You know he’s going to throw it? Maybe the next time that happens, Singletary should play ten defensive backs, and one defensive lineman, or perhaps a very angry dog.
Jim Mora Junior seemed pretty put off when his Seattle Seahawks kicker missed two field goals in a game that Mora’s team lost by six points. Coaches and kickers never really get along in the first place, but why? Kickers are usually out of shape and only good at one particular skill. Football coaches are out of shape and only good at one particular skill, and some of them aren’t even good at that. And then there’s Dick Jauron, who’s anorexic and not particularly good at anything. Sounds like my granddaughter, Millie. Her name’s really Angela-Renee, but I like to call her Millie. Sounds less French.
And Detroit won its first game in nearly two years on Sunday. People in Detroit need something to feel good about these days, but why? They’re not building cars anymore. People there can’t afford to live in houses anymore. And the schoolchildren there suffer from low self-esteem since their mommies and daddies can’t afford to buy them all those nice things they see on TV. It won’t be long before Ma and Pa start pimping out these little tikes to the highest bidders in the U.S., Canada, or however far you can send a child with UPS’ two-day shipping. That has nothing to do with football. I just find it interesting.
Tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick…
October 1st, 2009 at 9:44 am
I’d like to know Andy’s thoughts on the Patriots being from New England, also not a state.
October 1st, 2009 at 9:49 am
And then there’s Dick Jauron, who’s anorexic and not particularly good at anything.
He has the coaching ability only a mother could love.
October 1st, 2009 at 9:52 am
@SSB, he is good at one thing: losing games.
October 1st, 2009 at 9:53 am
Lovely summers in Guam, though the child prostitution there isn’t what it used to be. ….however far you can send a child with UPS’ two-day shipping. That has nothing to do with football.
Solved the Guam problem
October 1st, 2009 at 9:58 am
bra-fucking-vo, this entire column is full of win
October 1st, 2009 at 10:00 am
You had me at “pillow-biters”
October 1st, 2009 at 10:07 am
this column is almost as interesting as listening to simmons talk about how he and his friends did a fantasy draft and ate a lot of food. I MEAN CAN YOU IMAGINE ANYTHING COOLER THAN THIS!
October 1st, 2009 at 10:20 am
God needs to come back and smite the shit out of Andy Rooney
October 1st, 2009 at 10:29 am
Thank you, Harakik, for your refreshing and candid take on a blog you obviously never read. Now go eat a dick.
October 1st, 2009 at 10:34 am
Simmons has gotten lazy. Instead of writing (with the SAME references over and OVER: Friday Night Lights, Larry Bird, his dad, the 1985-1986 Celtics, his four friends from college, Larry Bird, Almost Famous, Larry Bird), it’s now podcasts. Well, a podcast about reality tv is almost as vapid and shallow as the show itself.
October 1st, 2009 at 10:35 am
And thanks for the visual of Andy getting busy in a Burger King bathroom…Bring God Back. Otherwise, He’ll kill another Pacific Island full of future NFL linemen.
October 1st, 2009 at 10:38 am
Apparently Rooney has not seen the video of the christening of the bathroom in Double J’s TIXAS PALACE.
October 1st, 2009 at 10:42 am
Yo, StuScott, my comment was a poorly constructed dig at Simmons and praise of KSK. I apologize to the ethernet, the interweb and the tubes for a lame joke.
October 1st, 2009 at 10:47 am
“Why not play eleven defensive backs?”
Hell, id do it.
October 1st, 2009 at 10:49 am
@M:
And I’d beat your brains in with LenWhale. Did you use to coach at Clemson?
October 1st, 2009 at 10:52 am
@Harakik: Sorry. Thought you were one of those fuckheads who write pointlessly negative comments as if anyone here gives a fuck.
October 1st, 2009 at 11:03 am
Andy Rooney spoke at my college graduation, but why? Mickey Rooney must have already been booked.
October 1st, 2009 at 11:03 am
Kickers aren’t football players. If I ran a football team, we’d go for two every time. Sure, we’d lose a bunch of games, but at least we wouldn’t have Jeff Reed crying like a bitch on the sideline.
October 1st, 2009 at 11:08 am
Singletary should play ten defensive backs, and one defensive lineman, or perhaps a very angry dog.
Stop giving people ideas to use against Michael Vick.
October 1st, 2009 at 11:23 am
Dont forget those Teal Turds are 0-3 as well! As a Falcon Ill be quick to tell Andy Rooney that Peppers Mouth could serve as his personal glory hole.
October 1st, 2009 at 11:29 am
I’d fire my kicker if he missed “two fields.” I know, I know….. stfu
You asked me with your eyes, Andy. You asked me with your eyes.
October 1st, 2009 at 11:32 am
Being the same gender means they can use the same bathroom. Straight couples can’t do that.
Sounds like someone’s forgotten about the Love Toilet.
October 1st, 2009 at 12:32 pm
The “Andy Rooney explains” bit is much better than the “God explains” bit.
Wait…
/runs back of the envelope algebra equation.
//realizes implications of statement.
I withdraw my previous statement and am now going to confession.
October 1st, 2009 at 1:01 pm
I’m sad Andy Rooney didn’t solve the Guam problem. Like Dan in Chicago said. I also agree, bring back God.
October 1st, 2009 at 1:07 pm
I’d suggest the US Postal Service. According to the commercial you can project your shipping costs between any two cities that aren’t your own and budget accordingly (if your item fits in the box).
October 1st, 2009 at 1:14 pm
“…Dick Jauron, who’s anorexic and not particularly good at anything.”
I think he would be good at poker. I’ve never seen him change his expression, ever. I bet you could put him in front of two, hot lesbians going at it, and then set his family on fire in the background and he wouldn’t flinch.
October 1st, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Carolina’s not a city. It’s not even a state. Maybe its an American territory, like Guam. Lovely summers in Guam, though the child prostitution there isn’t what it used to be.
Andy Rooney’s clearly comparing Guam to Baltimore right? I…uh…er…uh…mean…that’s what I’ve heard.
/Great weekly column. Keeps getting better.
October 1st, 2009 at 2:03 pm
“Like the right to go into a bathroom stall and have sex whenever they want? Being the same gender means they can use the same bathroom. Straight couples can’t do that.”
Does this mean the Cowboys Stadium video was really two homos going at it and not a guy and girl?
/vomits in mouth
October 1st, 2009 at 2:51 pm
ticking sound
DESK EXPLODES
….don’t you hate it when…………….
October 1st, 2009 at 3:08 pm
Just started following KSK after hearing Big Daddy Drew on Edge of Sports Radio with Dave Zirin and the Rooney bits are one of my favorites! What a tadger
October 1st, 2009 at 4:58 pm
best one yet, thanks
October 1st, 2009 at 5:44 pm
Since people seem to be coming out of the woodwork to call for “God explains” to come back, I just wanted to throw my 2 cents in and say that this feature is much better.
October 2nd, 2009 at 11:43 am
OMG, the 1-dog-9 defense is going to revolutionize the league!!! Watch out Buddy Ryan…
October 2nd, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Yeah, the Panthers are 0-3. So you missed that one.
October 2nd, 2009 at 10:39 pm
Awesome job again