Always Be Covering: Drunken Las Vegas Edition
Wooooo hoo hooooooooooooo!!!!!! Howdy pardners! I’ve given Unsilent Majority the week off because I’m in Las Vegas and I can place bets IN PERSON! That is at least EIGHT TIMES the rush you get if you’re betting online. Hell, I even chose to take a redeye home on Sunday night so I could watch all the games in the sports book. And also so I can collect all my winnings immediately.
Just kidding! I’m terrible at gambling and I don’t know what I’m doing! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!
There are only two road favorites this week — Carolina -3 at Tampa and Philly -14 at Oakland — and neither one of those lines is particularly appealing to bet either way. In fact, all the lines look really tough to me, because the damn bookies are good at this and I actually don’t gamble that much. It’s one of the restraints I put on myself because I have what psychiatrists call “an addictive personality” and a “crippling need for the adrenaline rush of having money on the line” and a “willingness to lose every dollar I’ve ever made.”
Anyway, here’s where I’m putting my money:
ATLANTA -3 versus Chicago. Which of the Bears’ wins am I supposed to be impressed with again? The game they accidentally won against Pittsburgh? Beating Seneca Wallace and a battered Seahawks team by a score? Kicking the Lions’ ass? C’mon, everyone kicks the Lions’ ass. Except the Redskins. Nope, I’ll take the Falcons at home fresh off their delicious Niner-raping at Candlestick.
JETS -9.5 versus Buffalo. Buffalo is fucking terrible.
Giants at New Orleans OVER 47.5. *crosses fingers, hopes for the air-it-out version of the Saints*
SEATTLE -1 versus Arizona. HOMER ALERT. In my defense, I’m a victim of circumstance in making this bet. I was at the New York, New York sports book last night, and the line was -3. Then I came back to the Palazzo sports book and it was only -1 here. And I feel like I should point out that the Seahawks have outscored their opponents 69-0 in games that Matt Hasselbeck has been healthy. Two home shutouts in five games are nothing to scoff at, even if one of them is against the Rams.
Upset special! HOUSTON +4.5 at Cincinnati. Now, I don’t have the actual sack to make this bet, and frankly I’m cheering for the Bengals all the way this season. But Cincy’s a tough defensive team that has won three straight games by three points, and its other two games were decided by an average of six points. I think the spread’s a little too big here.
So there you go. I have no idea what I’m doing, but looky here! I didn’t have to pay for this drink!
Tags: Always Be Covering, captain caveman, Ufford Photoshops
October 16th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Houston is the world’s biggest cocktease. They will lose by 4.6 points, somehow.
October 16th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Hey all, got another tough FFB roster decision I’m hoping for some help with. I’ve gotta fill my second WR spot and flex spot with 2 out of these 3: Moreno vs. SD, S Holmes vs. CLE, Welker vs. TEN, all potential for big games. Please help, thanks.
October 16th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Well, Big G, normally I don’t reward thread jacking, but go with Holmes and Welker.
Now back to the matter at hand. What’s your favorite pie?
October 16th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
I’ll handle this, Big G. MY perfect Sunday would start with a nice walk to town …
October 16th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Hell, I even chose to take a redeye home on Sunday night so I could watch all the games in the sports book
Mandalay Bay is nice, especially since they’ve got the poker room just next door.
But one of the more intriguing places to watch games is the Las Vegas Hilton — they open their movie theater up and show all the games on a giant screen. Cheap beer, plenty of stadium seating, and no smoking so the old fuck with the carton of Pall Malls isn’t breathing down your neck, etc. etc. Downside is there’s no sportsbook on site, but place your bets somewhere else and head there.
October 16th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Friday in Vegas…you’re still optimistic, still relatively sober, still have money…man, I need to go to Vegas.
*Insider Tip (not an Insider, but whatever): Avoid the Planet Hollywood casino. Pretty colors, but uberdouche clientele.
October 16th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Otto: The LV Hilton definitely has an onsite sportsbook…maybe in a different spot from the theater?
October 16th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
SoS, you’re absolutely right. We didn’t use it, but it was there.
October 16th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
And looking at it, I actually spent another NFL Sunday there. Not a lot of seating, but if you can score a spot, not bad.
http://www.lvhilton.com/Play/Casino/Race-Sports-Book
October 16th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
The worst part of Las Vegas sports books are the all those old, broken-down guys that only gamble on horseraces. It’s bad enough that horseracing takes up half the available televisions, but those guys are just buzzkills when all you want to do is drink, gamble and watch the games on huge fucking screens.
October 16th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
I was a fan of the NY NY sports book, I guess really I should say ESPN Zone cause they are like attached, they were practically pouring drinks down our throats there during college basketball and we ended up with free ESPN t-shirts and shit….but too, it was a guy bartender and we were 2 pre-drunk girls asking him what we should bet on…
October 16th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
There is simply no line that’s high enough to get anyone to bet on the Raiders this week. +20? +25? Hell, I’d be tempted to take the Eagles even at +30.
October 16th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
You should go back to New York New York and bet Arizona +3, this way YOU CANT LOSE. Well, maybe just a little, but if Seattle wins by 1 or 2 you win BOTH BETS.
It’s the greatest thing about gambling since bookies started putting people in their trunks and parking near train tracks.
I’ve never shit myself so much in my life.
October 16th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Im likin the Eagles, Falcons and Seahawks. Pretty much anything that shits on your car. Whoops! That might include the Raiders. Or maybe just their fans.
October 16th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Ahem, it appears the photoshopage has cover up some of the pussy and bewbs with pussy and ball. Unacceptable. RIP sexy friday.
October 16th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
…or ‘covered up’, whatever.
October 16th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
The Buffalo bet is the only thing that will keep the Vegas sports book from taking the wolf shirt off your flabby back
October 16th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
the Las Vegas Hilton is one of the better (if not best) sports books in Vegas, last time I was there (~year ago?). More TVs showing more games and a lot more free drinks than the other places I was at.
October 16th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
@Mike T: My buddy had this girlfriend who actually took a shit on the hood of his car. True story.
And if I learned nothing else, you don’t bet on your team. I was positive Buffalo wouldn’t cover versus NE in week 1. While I’m pretty sure at this point that 9.5 is nowhere near a big enough spread considering how absolutely fucking pathetic the Bills’ offense is, I won’t be betting on that game to ensure a blowout and you win your bet.
/vandalizes lawn
//steals jewelry
///steals and burns Thurman statue
////puts up Fire Dick billboard
October 16th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
@Rocco Crazy bitch. Or is that redundant? Seahawks homerism aside, I still like em to outscore the cards by 4. Luxor sportsbook is pretty much the worst book ever. Small, too few tv’s, and unattractive wait staff make it a can miss.
October 16th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Ah, I was speaking in general, but I still don’t like the homer bet on Seattle. I’ll have to check with my buddy who’s a huge Seahawk fan. And yeah, crazy bitch is redundant. It’s like crazy & hot, or crazy & great in bed, or etc. etc. etc.
October 16th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Needs more stories of Vegas foolishness.
October 16th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
vegas fucking rocks. i was there during the NBA finals and with every basket you would hear cheers and cursing. that shit was ridiculous. Best meal i’ve ever had was at Delmonico’s (emeril’s joint) at the Venetian/Palazzo. $150, but worth it for that ribeye.
October 16th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Wolfgangs “cut” is far superior to delmonico in Vegas. Just sayin.
October 16th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
I would pass on both and hit Okada for the Kobe beef sushi AHHHH MAAAAA ZZZING
October 16th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
I would pass for in-n-out so I could have more money to lose playing hide the salami and war. Nothing says desperate like playing war at 3AM not able to spell your own name.
October 16th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
For some reason, the flying cat cracks my shit up.
And all those showgirls look like chickens.
October 16th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
Prime at Bellagio made me believe in God.
October 16th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
I would fuck every one of those chickens to pieces.
October 16th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
All of this shit is better than gang bangin’ a bank of Wheel of Fortune slots at the fuckin Palms like Simmons.
Personally, I’d say placing some prop bets on the ALCS and NLCS and then flagging down a suitable waitress to make rounds every 15 minutes would be an excellent way of ensuring hours of entertainment.
But, I also remember getting in a shouting match with a hooker outside of O’shea’s at 5am, so my advice should be taken with a modicum of salt.
October 16th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
@Otto Man or whoever else – aside from the LV Hilton, any other suggestions on where to watch games? I will be there in a few weeks and have already started trying to figure out where to go that Sunday (priorities, you know). I’m a Cowboys fan and we’re playing the Eagles, so I have no desire to get cut.
October 16th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
Hey Nikki, MGM grand has a pretty decent sports book, and I would put Craft Steak, also at MGM against any of the other steak houses. If you go to MGM try Diego’s, they make a cochinita pibil that forced me to shoot the chef on his way to his car. If you lose a bunch of cash and still want to watch/gamble on the games, the Stratosphere has a decent venue but they do allow the locals to bring in their fast food bags and their 40’s in the paper bag. So it depends on your luck. You will be fine. Cowboys fans everywhere in Vegas.
Have fun.
October 16th, 2009 at 8:45 pm
Well, good news is I’m staying at MGM. I’ve been to Vegas a dozen times for work, this is the first time I’m going for a lengthy period of time just for fun and divulging in sports shenanigans whilst there…so thanks!!
October 17th, 2009 at 2:12 am
@Yeah, right: A big +1 on the Johnny Depp reference.
October 17th, 2009 at 7:49 am
@Otto Man or whoever else – aside from the LV Hilton, any other suggestions on where to watch games?
Well, I like the Mandalay Bay one. The MGM Grand is great, as YR says. And the one at the Wynn is stylish. There are a lot of great options, but be aware that if you want to get a seat at anything but the Hilton theater, you’re going to need to get there at the crack of fucking dawn.
As for getting cut … I was at the MB sportsbook in 2005 when USC and Notre Dame had that great 34-31 game that went back and forth. The room was packed with fatass Fightin’ Irish fans and Axe’d-up USC fans, and since the whole fourth quarter was one dramatic lead change after another, it turned into a back-and-forth round of taunting and pointing. The major instigators were an 18-year-old USC fan who thought the finger was their team salute and a 60+-year-old Notre Dame geezer whose blood pressure was hitting gasket-blowing levels. The game ended with the kid in the old man’s face, as he let loose a stream of profanity and his wife tried to take him away. If the game had gone into overtime, there would have been blood.
October 18th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
The girl on the left is my sister. I’m really, really disgusted that such shoddy predictions are juxtapositioned with her handsome visage. She is, after all, the living vision of our dearly departed mother.
Shame. The loftiest shame.