vegas-abc

Wooooo hoo hooooooooooooo!!!!!! Howdy pardners! I’ve given Unsilent Majority the week off because I’m in Las Vegas and I can place bets IN PERSON! That is at least EIGHT TIMES the rush you get if you’re betting online. Hell, I even chose to take a redeye home on Sunday night so I could watch all the games in the sports book. And also so I can collect all my winnings immediately.

Just kidding! I’m terrible at gambling and I don’t know what I’m doing! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

There are only two road favorites this week — Carolina -3 at Tampa and Philly -14 at Oakland — and neither one of those lines is particularly appealing to bet either way. In fact, all the lines look really tough to me, because the damn bookies are good at this and I actually don’t gamble that much. It’s one of the restraints I put on myself because I have what psychiatrists call “an addictive personality” and a “crippling need for the adrenaline rush of having money on the line” and a “willingness to lose every dollar I’ve ever made.”

Anyway, here’s where I’m putting my money:

ATLANTA -3 versus Chicago. Which of the Bears’ wins am I supposed to be impressed with again? The game they accidentally won against Pittsburgh? Beating Seneca Wallace and a battered Seahawks team by a score? Kicking the Lions’ ass? C’mon, everyone kicks the Lions’ ass. Except the Redskins. Nope, I’ll take the Falcons at home fresh off their delicious Niner-raping at Candlestick.

JETS -9.5 versus Buffalo. Buffalo is fucking terrible.

Giants at New Orleans OVER 47.5. *crosses fingers, hopes for the air-it-out version of the Saints*

SEATTLE -1 versus Arizona. HOMER ALERT. In my defense, I’m a victim of circumstance in making this bet. I was at the New York, New York sports book last night, and the line was -3. Then I came back to the Palazzo sports book and it was only -1 here. And I feel like I should point out that the Seahawks have outscored their opponents 69-0 in games that Matt Hasselbeck has been healthy. Two home shutouts in five games are nothing to scoff at, even if one of them is against the Rams.

Upset special! HOUSTON +4.5 at Cincinnati. Now, I don’t have the actual sack to make this bet, and frankly I’m cheering for the Bengals all the way this season. But Cincy’s a tough defensive team that has won three straight games by three points, and its other two games were decided by an average of six points. I think the spread’s a little too big here.

So there you go. I have no idea what I’m doing, but looky here! I didn’t have to pay for this drink!