That’s Peter King tweeting with stern authority to Larry Fitzgerald during last night’s game. If you don’t think this will be the most ludicrous NFL season ever, this would be Exhibit A for proving your ass WRONG.
Anyway, PK has a lofty new column every Friday called The Game Plan. That name defines creative. Every week, we’ll give you your chance to skewer it in the comments. I think you folks have proven yourselves more than up to the task. In the meantime, enjoy more awesome in-games tweets from Westin’s worst nightmare.
Who knew THAT would happen?
Way to outperform me, Adam!
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In this week’s pilot episode of the Game Plan (warning: may not contain actual game plans), PK suggests that Percy Harvin should date Brett Favre’s daughter, with hilarious results. Give the big goof his due, if Percy and Brittany Favre started “hooking up” as the kids say, that actually would make the on-field pairing arguably among the most interesting of the last decade.
Hmm, what else do we not love here… how about BrittFarr’s assessment of Percy Harvin as “very smart.” Compared to what/whom? BrittFarr? Matt Birk? Brad Childress?… Bernard Berrian’s hamstring is “ouchy”? Are we sure? Might it not be semi-ouchy? slightly Fred Taylor-esque? Furthermore, “ouchie” is the preferred spelling. Also makes commenter Ted’s comment about PK wearing a diaper even better. Moving right along, TWO things does not a combo PLATTER make. I would really think a man who was amazed by the food at Moby Dick’s would know that.
If you take out all the ingratiating and useless commentary, the first section of the column basically says: “Brett Favre is really old and is out of touch with his teammates.”
Moving on to page 2… How did Hard Knocks show the Bengals to be a dark-horse contender? All I got from it is that their safeties have poor footwork and Chad Johnson doesn’t understand how banks make money. Michael Clayton’s sore hammy is quasi-less ouchy than Bernard Berrians. Set your fantasy lineups accordingly!
John Madden will be “micro-dissecting” every word Chris Collinsworth says? Will he then be reassembling the words into incoherent grunts, as he did in the booth? John Madden can neither hear nor think critically anymore. That’s why he’s retired. He’s probably watching old Murder, She Wrote episodes in his boxers.
John Gruden’s “moxie.” Moxie = stones. Got it. It does take real courage to boldly make predictions no one will hold you accountable for. If John Gruden had said the Texans will not win 8 games and then vowed to quit his job if they do, that would be “moxie.”
“Jason Taylor playing over the tight end as an outside linebacker.” Dick joke.
PK was real subtle about it, but he suggested Willis McGahee doesn’t work hard in the offseason. Willis McGahee doesn’t get mad, he gets stabby.
This might be a bit much, but does anyone else reject the premise that PK is actually writing all this text? With this extra column per week, the difference between his own writing style and his assistant(s)/editors will become increasingly evident, much as the first Five Books of the Bible (WORST ANALOGY EVER) can be attributed through literary analysis to at least four authors.
Aaand finally, thank you so much for reducing the labor negotiations to a personal relationship between the NFLPA executive director and the Commissioner. I don’t want to go on a rant here, but our society is infected with the scourge of CEO-worship, which puts the personalities and interests of the individuals at the helm of large organizations ahead of the organizations themselves, and fuels the selfish, insular thinking by those individuals, who become increasingly removed from reality and surrounded by sycophants, which in turns leads to short-sighted and often tragic decisions. What’s worse, PK in the past has actually shown some aptitude for digging into the complexities of the NFL’s labor issues (note his several attempts at explaining Direct TV). Reduction, sir, is not analysis.
In short, “The Game Plan” does not do more with less. It does less with less. I’m going to watch several of the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE contests this weekend (and Monday) and I am no better informed regarding those games than I was before I read the column in question. THANKS PETER! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.
\and thanks to you, KSK Knights of Keyboard Justice, for opening up this forum to our overly intellectual or pornographic ideas.
“2. Antonio Bryant’s leg. The $9 million wideout (yes, Tampa Bay actually is paying this inconsistent receiver that much on a one-year deal) won’t be right after missing all four preseason games and most summer practices following minor knee surgery.”
That’s why I put him on waivers as soon as I saw he was on my fantasy team.
/fucking autodraft
/will not be so lazy next year
/begging to be ripped mercilessly
“…but I’m always open to stealing good ideas from my readers.”
This pretty much sums up Peters career
“…lined up in the shotgun as the Wildcat quarterback, and had his hands extended toward center John Sullivan, expecting the snap as he called out signals. Suddenly Harvin looked to his left, apparently expecting slotback Adrian Peterson to come…”
Wait, is this about Vikings training camp or the wet dream King had last night?
“Here was a rookie still learning the way from the dorm to the practice field”
That path defines twisted.
Also, let me be (one of) the first to extend a lofty “Fuck You” to King for totally outing one of the Vikings trick plays.
“I expect him to play four spots: slot receiver (maybe 15 snaps), wide receiver (15, and maybe more if Bernard Berrian’s ouchy hamstring doesn’t allow him to play much), Wildcat quarterback and punt returner (maybe five apiece).”
Wait, did King just use “ouchy” in an article? Here we have a supposed professional writer, yet he still uses words I probably used in the epic masterpiece I wrote back in kindergarten.
“Offensive coordinator Darrell Bevell told me what’s impressed him so far about Harvin is his “innate feel” for the game.”
I’d even go as far to call it, dare I say, Quasi-Lebronish.
“Favre told Harvin, who is 18-and-a-half years younger than his quarterback, that he was young enough to be his son. In fact, Favre’s daughter Brittany, a college junior, is 37 weeks younger than Harvin.”
And if it weren’t for the fact that Harvin is one of those Negro boys Im sure Favre would have no problem with him marrying his daughter and becoming the official heir to the Land Baron throne.
“In their one extended playing sequence together at Houston 11 days ago, Favre spied Harvin running a corner route into the end zone. Favre laid the ball up almost perfectly for him. Only problem was, when Harvin had beaten his man, he looked back for the ball and lost it in the lights. He had a step and a half on the Texan corner, and the ball glanced off his fingertips.
“I don’t think that’s going to happen again,” Harvin said. Let the Browns be warned.”
Hear that Browns Secondary? Percy Harvin is never going to let another pass bounce off his fingers in the end zone. Ever. He’s gonna be the Derek Jeter of football.
“If HBO’s Hard Knocks did nothing else, it may have put an extra burden on Cincinnati because it showed the Bengals as one of the dark-horse teams with a legitimate shot to climb the AFC ladder”
Yes, I too was able to tell that Cincy will be a playoff contender simply by watching pre-selected clips of their training camp and hearing Tank Johnson talk about Googling himself (HE DEFINES WHY AMERICA NEEDS TOUGHER GUN LAWS)
“About Last Night”
Surprisingly enough, this part of the article isn’t an open apology to whoever woke up laying in the same bed as King this morning.
“One more strong rush, and the Titans could preserve a 10-7 lead and beat the Super Bowl champs. But Cecil called for a three-man rush, and Roethlisberger had enough time to throw for a 15-yard gain. A tie game soon followed, then a Steelers OT win. I can hear Tennessee fans everywhere saying this morning: “Damn pree-vent defense. All it did was prevent us from winning.”
Yes, it was that single play that stopped the Titans from winning. It wasn’t the blocked Field Goal or the fact that the way the NFL has overtime set up is freaking retarded (If college has to take the playoff system from the NFL, the NFL should take the overtime system from college), it was because they only rushed 3 players on that play.
“2. Antonio Bryant’s leg. The $9 million wideout (yes, Tampa Bay actually is paying this inconsistent receiver that much on a one-year deal) won’t be right after missing all four preseason games and most summer practices following minor knee surgery. It doesn’t help that Byron Leftwich’s other target, Michael Clayton, has a sore hammy. Dallas is catching Tampa Bay at the right time.”
Im sure up until now Dallas was shaking in their pads thinking “Oh god, we have to try and stop both Byron Leftwich AND Michael Clayton?”. Or maybe all that shaking was just them laughing at the thought of Tampa being desperate enough to start both Leftwich and Bryant.
“3. Cris Collinsworth’s voice. No pressure on you in the NBC Sunday Night booth, big boy. But John Madden will be micro-dissecting every word you utter from the cathedral he always loved best, Lambeau Field, Sunday night. By the way, a few of us might actually miss you in our Sunday afternoon NBC batcave at Rockefeller Center, Cris. Whom am I going to teach football to now?”
Im not sure which is scarier, the thought of John Madden sitting in front of his TV listening and re-listening to everything Collinsworth says like some sort of over-obsessed nerd, or the fact that someone who actually PLAYED IN THE NFL has to learn about football from Peter King.
“6. Matt Ryan having a new toy. Against Miami’s excellent pass-rush, look for Ryan to go to Gonzalez early and often. “I’ve loved watching Tony this summer as a receiver, obviously,” said GM Thomas Dimitroff of the Falcons. “But his ability to wall off and seal a block has been an eye-opener. He’s a high-percentage option for our offense, and a better blocker than I thought.” A healthy Gonzalez will catch 90 balls in Atlanta.”
*Insert obvious dick joke here*
DancingBaptist’s grasp of pop culture is nearly as fresh as PK’s. Are we sure they’re not one and the same
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Impossible. I don’t beg for gloves. And I’ve never worshipped at the altar of Favre. (Pop culture is mostly crap)
So Brett Favre had his first child at 19-19.5 years according to PK’s reporting. Not surprising that Favre either didn’t know how to use a condom or was stupid enough to think that having a kid at 19 was a good idea.
I have officially seen it all.
Have you ever seen a man eat his own head? No? Then you haven’t seen it all.
The combo platter of Favre to Harvin could be one of the most interesting in recent NFL history.
Well, it’s no nutmeg lasagna and Toone P. Wiggins spicy shrimp, but it’s close.
what’s with pk’s skunk streak hairdo in that pic?
I was surprised clown porn while wearing a diaper did not make the list.
The season’s young, my friend. He doesn’t want to peak too soon.
We certainly aren’t getting paid!!! Talent, well that may call for an honor du-al!
@LaFavre: We *are* the less talented writers.
” Every week, we’ll give you your chance to skewer it in the comments”
Woah, woah, woah, there fella. That would mean I’d have to read it first. You broke me of that nasty habit with your Monday hand grenade job. Can’t one of KSK’s less talented writers read it for us?
“I’ll probably have a pretty good idea what I’m going to do each week following the Monday-nighter, but I’m always open to stealing good ideas from my readers. ”
As compared to small boys regarding foul balls. At least readers writing in are likely to be fans or sycophants so won’t be heartbroken, crying and scarred for life afterward when he steals their ideas for a column…you know, as opposed to actually a) sticking with thoughts from Monday night sitting around with multiple other people to steal ideas from or b) actually thinking.
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Yup, Pete. That’s how football works. Jeff Fischer presses the “strong rush” button and a sack automatically occurs. Maybe the Titans should have played loftier.
• Ten Things I Think I’ll Be Watching For This Weekend. Pretty self-explanatory.
I was surprised clown porn while wearing a diaper did not make the list.
DancingBaptist’s grasp of pop culture is nearly as fresh as PK’s. Are we sure they’re not one and the same.
And speaking of PK, I found this comment particularly stupid: The combo platter of Favre to Harvin could be one of the most interesting in recent NFL history.
Really? More interesting than the recently disbanded combo of PeyPey and MarHar? One guy who overcame a history of big-game chokes to pull off the greatest comeback in conference game history and then wins a Superbowl and is on every commercial known to footbaw fans and the other guy who was best known for spectacular regular season play while speaking to almost no one including PeyPey and who is now suspected to have been involved in two shootings, one fatal, carried out against the same guy in one of the roughest areas of Philly? That’s less interesting than a guy who unsuccessfully tries to play us all for chumps and a rookie who’s done nothing in the league yet? Really?
• Ten Things I Think I’ll Be Watching For This Weekend. Pretty self-explanatory.
You’d think that it was pretty self-explanatory, but I’m sure you’ll find a way to include 14 things instead of 10 as well as including something baseball related, something coffee related, and something that happened years ago.
your political rant was missing a substantial amount of hyphens.
Everyone on the internet knows that good grammar is detrimental to starting an unwarranted PoFlaWa.
6. Matt Ryan having a new toy
Eli read this and ran to his parents to ask for the biggest toy they could find.
• About Last Night. On the seven weeks when there’s a Thursday night game, I’ll give me my review of something that happened in the game that’s significant for the future.
Willing to bet he includes his thoughts on the Office as well. “Creed’s one-liner last night was the loftiest thing I’ve ever seen on TV.”
@ Nice job Dancing Baptist – yes, anyone who has read this site before knows there is a Spawn of King. Suprised you passed Bio 101, seeing as though you must have missed the lecture or assigned reading about the different ways women can become pregnant that don’t involve intercourse.
BTW, you must have missed English Comp 101 as your political rant was missing a substantial amount of hyphens.
Mary Beth King is an intern for the Seahawks. She works in PR. Check out this page:
http://www.seahawksmedia.com/
No one here knows nothing about Mary Beth King. Nothing. Nada.
Wanted to add – did you know there is a Mary Beth King? As in he has a daughter? Which means, (unless my bio 101 is wrong), there was a woman who at least for a single night, thought he was worthy of taking her to bed.
Criminy she must’ve been as big as Roseanne Barr.
“Like there’s a bed big enough to hold that action”. (<– Sam Kinison)
I’d like to see Peter’s commentary on Drew’s entrance last night.
People reading Peter King and taking anything he says seriously give me the same headache as MASS-HOLE voters electing (ad infinitum) spend through the roof politicians and then complaining about their tax rate.
Put it this way, Grimace: I think Favre was talking about the Roomba his wife gave him last Christmas.
This guy uses his press credentials to get access to a Vikings practice session and then blabs to the world the details of what sounds like a trick play that I’m sure the coaching staff would have preferred keep secret. What a jackass!
“Very smart,” said Brett Favre. “That’s the thing that’s impressed me so far. He picks things up so fast.”
Is it just me, or does it seem like Farve would consider an inanimate object smart in comparison to the limited mental capacity with which he operates?
I couldn’t understand a word Collinsworth said last night.
Maybe it was because he had Big Ben’s cock in his mouth the whole time.
“NO ONE PUMP FAKES LIKE BIG BEN! HE IS THE BEST PUMP FAKER OF ALL TIME!”
I can’t even focus on the PK hate right now. After all this time reading KSK, I’m shocked to find out that Hines Ward actually sounds more like Karl Malone, rather than the City Wok owner in South Park. That one was a real stunner after hearing Hines speak after last night’s game. Color me jaded….
Well he’s already talking about “moxie”. So put that in your stove pipe hat.
“When I brought this up to Harvin the other day”
Harvin internally cursed himself for having to be there…
King’s right about one thing: Percy Harvin is going to be an exciting player.
Putting the Twit in Twitter since 2008.
And Collinsworth–even if you previously hated him and still do–was so many miles beyond Madden’s “Dick Vitale meets Willard Scott” shtick that further words actually fail me. “Too critical?” How about “not blowing smoke up America’s ass?”
/boom
“Just what you need: more King. Well, you’re getting it, like it or not”
Believe me, I don’t.
Just what you need: more King. Well, you’re getting it, like it or not.
This is the same thing PK said to his urologists.