Yes, You Should Start Felix Jones This Week: the KSK Sex/Fantasy Football Mailbag, Featuring the Saddest Letter of All Time
A couple recurring themes this week, in both the letters we answer and the multitudes upon multitudes we simply didn’t have room or time for. Primarily, fantasy owners are worried about the slow starts from Matt Forte and Steve Slaton, and a surprisingly high number of you don’t know if you should start Felix Jones even though Marion Barber pulled his quadriceps. Oh, and you all have messed up notions of what women should be willing to do in the bedroom, but that’s nothing new.
Let’s kick things off with an email that will make you feel better about your miserable life, shall we?
KSK,
Football: Pick 2. MJD vs Texans, D-Will vs Cowboys, Felix Jones vs Panthers, or Cadillac vs Giants. I’m leaning towards MJD just cause of what Chris Johnson did last week and Felix cause it looks like MB3 is out.
Sex: what’s the cleanest way to jerk off in your room? I don’t want to use socks or any clothes cause i don’t want to do laundry that often. i never get people who can just use some kleenex cause it’ll be all messy and stuff, and it’s a drag to clean up after you’ve blown your load.
-AL
So let’s get this straight: you’re looking on tips for masturbation clean-up, because you’re too lazy to do laundry and tissue is supposedly too messy (um, it’s not: you just throw the Kleenex away). I’d recommend masturbating in the shower, but I get the feeling that’s “too much effort” and “unnecessarily cleansing.” AND you need advice on whether to start Maurice Jones-Drew, a consensus top-four draft pick who’s averaging 103 yards a week.
Yes, start MJD and Felix. Next question.
Kind sirs,
Sex first, as it should be. Recently my friend was afflicted with a crippling case of yellow fever. I think he needs to make an effort to get the blinders off, as he is severely limiting his options. His argument is that, because a girl being Asian is such a turn on right now for him, he has expanded his interests to girls who don’t usually get as much attention and his hook up prospects are actually better. What’s the official KSK take on this?
The official KSK take is mind your own damn business and let your friend be interested in the girls he’s attracted to.
Football: I start 3 WR in a standard scoring league, no ppr. Calvin Johnson and Santonio Holmes are locks. Who should fill my third hole out [hee hee! -Ed.] of Jerricho Cotchery (vs. Ten), Percy Harvin (SF), and Patrick Crayton (Car)?
Tough call. Cotchery has the most yards of any of the three but hasn’t found the end zone yet this year. Harvin’s fantasy points are a little higher because he’s gotten into the end zone each of the first two weeks, which is nice but you can’t reasonably expect it every week. And as for Crayton, well, Carolina sucks. I don’t think any of them are a bad option as a #3 this week, but I’d probably lean toward Harvin.
Dear Mogrels of Manmeat,
Mogrels?
sexy time first: So I started seeing this girl about a month ago, and about 2 weeks ago we made the sex for the first time. Well, since then, its been nonstop aggression on her part to do it all the time. This is awesome, I get it. This is not my question. The other day I was over at her place and the second I walked in she locked me into her room to do the deed. A bit later after we had finished and started cooking dinner, she accosted me again. After dinner she again takes me into her room for round 3. In retrospect this is a great evening, but by round 3 I was worried that between the restrictions of a condom and an empty tank, I wouldn’t be able to “perform” up to par. So I was hesitating a bit and didn’t go along too much. So then she says “what can I do to make you have sex with me?”. For some reason a total asshole douche took over my brain and I said, “try not being so easy”. What I meant to convey was “try playing hard to get” or something less dick and offensive like that. That didn’t go over well. I’ll spare you the details, but she hasn’t responded to my calls, emails, or texts since. I’m not an asshole, just a fucking idiot. Got any suggestions for my next move?
Unsilent: Sounds like she’s just playing hard to get like you asked.
Well, sometimes guys just blow it. Admittedly, that wondrous and small percentage of the female population that crave dick all the time can get frustrating, especially in the clingy aftermath when she’s trying to jump-start your dick and you just want her to magically turn into a sandwich.
Can you get her back? I dunno, part of it depends on her ability to forgive, and part of it depends on the detail of your apology. If you haven’t already laid out a full explanation and apology in an email that includes everything you find great about her and — this part is important — where you’d like to try to take the once-burgeoning relationship, then you should do that. Otherwise, considering your previous texts/voicemails/emails, it may be best to accept defeat and move on.
Football: 2 lineup recommendations for a 14 team, non PPL league, all regular scoring. Favre v SF, or Warner (yep my QBs combined ago is 80ish, so what?) v Indy. Flex position do I use C Stuckey v Tenn or Leon Washington v Tenn?
-Stupid and sexless
Warner and Washington.
Prominent Procurers of Poon:
Sex: My first wife died about three years ago of ovarian cancer.
Jack Black in High Fidelity: “Drag.” *takes bite of sandwich*
Sorry, I just think about that scene every time someone says something sad.
I’m only 42 and have been dating again for the past year or so, and I’m getting serious with a really cool woman in her mid-thirties. Problem: I have a tattoo of my first wife’s name on my shoulder. We were totally batshit in love, and I had no worries about getting the tattoo because I was sure she would outlive me. My new girlfriend didn’t freak about the ink since I had already told her the story, but now that we’re considering moving in together, she says she doesn’t want the tat to be there over the long term — she’s fine with my other ink, just not that one. I totally understand her concern, but my wife was a naughty little saint and I feel a lot of guilt about either removing the tattoo or covering it with another design. I’m not asking who’s right — I think we both are — but who has priority in terms of standing their ground?
On one hand, I see her point. It’s reasonable to not want your lover to have the name of a previous amour tattooed on them. On the other hand, FUCK THAT NOISE. It’s not like your dead wife is gonna steal you away from your new girlfriend. I think she needs to have a little sympathy here.
Fantasy: In auction drafting AP, Slaton, Julius Jones, and Rivers, I used most of my salary cap and ended up with a mediocre group of WRs (Cribbs, Holt, Avery). Cribbs is okay because we score on kick returns, and I’ve picked up Kenny Britt and Johnny Knox, who look promising but aren’t reliable yet. In the short term, my WR corps is weak. I’m looking to trade either Slaton or Jones for a legit WR, but I’m not sure how much trade value they have given their underperformance so far. We start a QB, 2 RBs, and 3 WRs (no flex) in a PPR league. What’s the trade value of either Slaton or Jones right now? Note: I have Slaton’s handcuff (C. Brown) and would be willing to trade him too for a premiere WR.
-Ted in Tedville
Slaton’s trade value is crap because he hasn’t performed up to snuff. Julius Jones had a good first week, but he isn’t the kind of back that’ll land you the kind of WR you want unless you package him with someone else.
I like the Knox pick-up. See how he does against Seattle’s beat-up D this Sunday before you go trading anyone.
Dear Knowers of All Things Poon,
My friends and I were watching Maury the other day and it was an episode about women who became men. The he/shes were jacked and were wearing man sweaters, and looked like dudes, but still had vaginas. Naturally the question was asked if you had sex with this person as a male, would that make you gay? One side says yes, because they’re a dude, the other says no, because they have a vagina. I’m trapped in the middle leaning towards kinda gay.
Trick question! You’re all gay for watching “Maury.”
Also I took Crabbytree in one of the latter rounds in my keeper league, do you think he’s going to play this year or is he purely a value pick for later on?
Thanks,
Horrified Trannywatcher
It doesn’t matter if Crabtree plays or not this year: even if he did come to terms in time to play, he’s not in game shape and he’s too far behind to be a worthwhile fantasy play. Wide receiver is a tough position to adjust to from college to the NFL, and that’s why there aren’t many rookie wideouts who have an immediate fantasy impact (Colston, Boldin, DeSean, and Megatron are some notable exceptions). But the ones that hold out and miss training camp don’t just magically catch up to speed and become playmakers during the season.
Dear Anthropomorphic Super Soakers (but with sperm),
Fantasy Football: Do you think I should Start Anquan Boldin when I have Devery Henderson, Bowe, Manningham, and Driver to start in the three possible roster slots?
I’d still start Boldin. You should always lean toward playing top-tier talent, even if they’ve been disappointing. You’re so deep at receiver you can afford to trade one of those guys to shore up another position where you’re weak — I’d try to trade Manningham while his value is at its peak — fantasy players always overvalue the most recent performance, especially if it’s nationally televised during primetime.
Sex: My girlfriend of six months won’t talk about her dating history beyond a two years ago, we’re both 26. It isn’t that she didn’t date, so I know there is something to talk about. She’s a recent transplant to the city, so all of her friends that I have met only have known her the two years. and I like her a lot but her refusal to talk about this is making me worried that one day, when I am in too deep, a giant ball of crazy will replace my girlfriend. Does this make me an asshole?
-Kyle
flubby provides this quote: “All them shy women that you meet, they never from the town you meet them in. They always from somewhere else. Then they come to your town and get shy. Get the fuck out of here. They afraid to talk because they think a bone is gonna fly out their mouth or some shit.” -Eddie Murphy, Raw
I don’t think you have to worry about a “giant ball of crazy.” It’s more likely she’s just ashamed of her dating past. It’s understandable to be concerned about her past, but speaking from experience here, it’s more important to dwell on how she treats you and makes you feel in the present and future than what she did in the past.
KSK,
football: I need one of these 3 for a PPR: not-so-fast Willie Parker @ CIN, Steve Smith the Lesser @ TB, or Lee Evans (yeah I’m the asshole who has Lee Evans) vs NO. I also start the high-promise no-reward trio of Forte, Randy Moss, and Portis.
Wow, that is a fantasy crap factory. As much as it pains me, I’d suggest Lee Evans because of the inevitable shootout the Saints will provide.
sex: I learned in high school that girls think my dad is hot. It’s weird to me, since I think of him as the guy who falls asleep on the couch with his gut hanging out and his hand in the Fritos bag, but throughout high school I couldn’t get laid to save my life but I had no shortage of female friends and acquaintances telling me how they wanted to sleep with my father. It sucked at the time, but then i got older and had better luck in college and now I like to think he finally looks old, but should I continue to be weirded out by this or just look forward to the fact that I’ll finally grow into my look when I’m 50 or so?
Which brings me to my present dilemma. My dad directs a church choir, which I used to be in and now am not, being older and with better things to do. 2 weeks ago he had to miss for an emergency and I filled in for him, which was fine, except now there’s an unquestionably hot older woman (40 I believe) in the choir who wants my sex. I’ve known her since I was in middle school(and she was in her 30s), and I wanted to fuck her then, and now that I actually can, I’m wondering if this would be a horribly bad idea/if it would put my dad in enough of an awkward spot if he ever found out to not go through with it? It probably would, but then again how often does one get to fulfill one’s middle school sex fantasies?
Sincerely,
Silver Fox in Training
flubby:
Gentlemen,
What are your feelings about guys owning a male masturbator? I think it would be a nice change of pace from my right hand, but I hesitate to buy one because it seems really creepy. Sex toys seem to be something used exclusively by females. Am I being irrational, or should we just add this to the list of sexual double standards for men and women?
You know what’s a good change of pace from your right hand? Your left.
Off-limits if you ever want to have sex with a woman: fleshlights, RealDolls, pocket pussies, and whatever else is offered in the male sex toy category. Acceptable: pretty much any kind of porn on the Internet. Trust me, that’s enough.
As for fantasy, how worried should I be about Matt Forte?
Thanks,
CJ
Only mildly. Man, everybody’s shitting their pants after two weeks. This Sunday, Forte’s going up against a Seahawks defense that will be missing game-changing DT Brandon Mebane, while MLB Lofa Tatupu is doubtful. If he still disappoints, you can raise the Matt Forte Warning Level from ochre to burnt sienna.
Staff,
Football: I have Steve Slaton and Joseph Addai on my roster and really haven’t gotten shit out of them in the first two weeks. I have the Eagle’s D who feasted on Carolina, but got torched by Breesus. Are either of these guys valuable trade bait for a different D or should I just hope for a turn around and play the wire for a good weekly D matchup?
Yeah, and that’s the same Eagles D that gave you somewhere between 25 and 40 points during Week 1. If you trade any of your skill position players for a different defense you’re a fucking idiot.
Sex: I am proud to say that my wife gave birth to our second daughter in July, but unlike our first daughter she is nursing now. The result of her nursing has been one breast hanging out about 50% of the day, which 3 years ago would have been good stuff. I have been helping out as much as I can and inadvertantly have seen a lot of breast feeding in action. I am hoping that one of the writers with kids can help me out here. Will I ever be able to enjoy myself with those warlocks or will the image of my 7 lb. baby nursing be forever burnt in my memory? Am I doomed to spend the rest of my life without enjoying my wife’s sweet sweet titties?
-Boobless in Bloomington.
flub: After having to do without for months, I’m sure you’ll be back at those funbags first chance you get. I know I did.
Dear guys I’m using to try and rationalize my bad behavior (fantasy and sex-wise),
I’m a 5th year senior and last friday I fooled around with two hot freshman at the same time. We weren’t sober the first time but the second time we were. I feel like the gods of ass were going through a checklist and somebody yelled, “Hey! We’ve really fucked this guy and he’s about to graduate. Throw him two hot freshman and a three-way.” My friends say I’m a creep. What’s your take?
Our take is you’re bragging online about your conquest. Eat a dick.
Also, my running back situation is Steven Jackson and DMac with YesShawn, Beanie Wells and Cedric Benson on the bench. My WR’s are Colston, Moss (the good one, football-wise) and Chad85. Who are you starting this week with a 2/2/flex league. It’s a 10 team league so I’m considering selling high on Colston or 85 and getting another RB, too…
Sincerely,
Winger Fan
Start all three of those wideouts. And yes, your running backs suck. Benson’s actually not a bad play: he consistently gets 20-25 touches, and the Bengals don’t use a secondary back to vulture any goal-line carries. But I’d still probably start Jackson and McFadden, because I’m a pussy.
Wyld Stallyns–
Football: Start 3–Felix (vs Carolina and assuming Marion bitches out), Tiny Darren (vs Miami, ditto for Latoe), Slaton (vs Jax), Mike Burner (@ Pats), McFadden (vs Denver), Addai (@ Ari)
Felix/Darren/Slaton.
That Sweet, That Nasty, That Gushy Stuff:
Just fucking write “sex,” okay? This is a 3000+ word column in which we leave out thousands more words worth of other people’s emails. Stop being cute.
While any sex is enjoyable, I really like freaky stuff–I don’t care if I am the one dishing it out or taking it, but in particular I feel that sex is only enjoyable if somebody is being dominated (obviously with mutual consent).
What I don’t have is any blueprint for bringing this up/securing this in the bedroom…so do you guys have a ‘best practices’ for the ‘i would enjoy this more if you sat on my face and called me awful things’ sorts of conversation/follow through?
-gg all-in
Two ways to go about that: (1) a steady relationship, (2) Craigslist.
Dear KSK,
For some reason my cock is much longer (by at least a half inch) and has much more girth when I first wake up in the morning. I also tend to go longer by at least a few minutes. The problem is that my wife is the type that likes to sleep in and can be a complete bee-yatch before noon. How do I either get my cock bigger at night, or get my wife to want to fuck in the morning?
Sounds like you need to take a job where you work the third shift.
Football: Who are the top candidates to be stolen away from dumb owners who panic after the first two weeks? Brady comes to mind as a good target.
Thanks bitches
Judging by the dozens of emails we got about people freaking out about Steve Slaton and Matt Forte, I’d say Steve Slaton and Matt Forte.
Well, that was fun. Same time next week?
Tags: captain caveman, it always gets posted near the end of the day dickface, the KSK football sex advice mailbag
September 24th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
how bout felix jones or frank gore
September 24th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
Two ways to go about that: (1) a steady relationship, (2) Craigslist.
But watch out if you find someone on Craigslist going to school in Boston to be a doctor but is originally from NJ. Those guys are the real freaks!
September 24th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
@Kyle: Sorry man, but my opinion is she’s fucked up, ran from her problems, and no matter how hard she tries, or how good she treats you, it’s all gonna come to the surface someday. People don’t change. She may be able to hide it well these past two years, where no one knows her past, but chances are it’s not good. And she ain’t changing. You can food yourself all you want, but it’s gonna end badly.
September 24th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
Masturbation Tip: keep a roll of toilet paper in your room. Use as much as you need and then flush it all down. Wash your hands afterward. it doesn’t leave a mess in your room, your trash can doesn’t stink, and no extra laundry.
/haven’t read the rest of the mailbag so far, but thought that i should contribute with that advice right away since i’m an expert
September 24th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
Wait, which was the saddest letter?
September 24th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
@Rock Chalk Chalk: As always, it’s a target rich environment, but I vote for Ted’s ovarian cancer letter. Sorry Ted. And keep that tattoo.
September 24th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
Rocco: You can try to “food” us all you want, but it’s gonna be clear you’re full of shit.
September 24th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
@The Perils: Fine, I made a typo. *fool. How was that full of shit? That’s my opinion. Based on experience.
September 24th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
Oh no, I meant saddest as in most pitiful. Letter #1 clearly wins. “I like masturbating, but cleaning up takes so much EFFORT. How can I be any lazier?”
September 24th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
Hey, Matt Forte and Steve Slaton! The two running backs that I grabbed in both my paid keeper leagues!
/begins drinking heavily
September 24th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
RE guy who misspelled “mongrels” – I’d like to give you the benefit of the doubt. Who hasn’t fucked up and said what they were really thinking (or just failed to communicate it effectively)? We’ve all been there.
But this is a perfect illustration, really, of why women don’t give it up more often. Many men (I suspect it’s the majority) are so fucking hypocritical. They bitch about never getting laid (or not getting laid enough) and then, when they get laid so much they’re worried about their dick becoming incapacitated, they make some assholish crack about the chick being a slut or a nympho or whatever. If you want an idea of how this sounds when someone directs at you, imagine that you’ve had a problem getting it up lately (for any number of logical reasons) and your girlfriend/wife makes a crack about you having a limp dick or maybe you’re a homo or something equally assholish. How would you feel about that shit?
RE tattoo: I agree with KSK. If it was your dead wife’s face on your chest and the girlfriend had to stare at it every time you have sex, she’d have a point. Maybe (given that she’s just a girlfriend and not a wife). But wanting you to obliterate your deceased wife’s name from your shoulder… that’s petty. If you do move in with her, don’t be surprised if she demands that you trash every picture of your wife. Your “first wife,” that is. The fact that you reference her that way is kinda telling. Maybe it’s too soon to move in with anyone.
RE the past: I’ve never understood the obsession with wanting to know every little detail about someone’s past personal life. Who are you, the FBI? Why do you feel the need to do a relationship background check on your girlfriend? As long as she doesn’t keep big shit from you (previously unknown marriages, children, sex change operations), why do you need to know anything more than what you know now? Maybe she has nothing to hide, maybe she just doesn’t think she should have to explain herself to someone she’s been dating (not married to, just dating) for 6 months.
September 24th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
Thanks I really mostly cared about the fantasy advice………..but um, how do I go about getting bitches who like to be tied up/sit on my face on Craigslist?
I did in fact have one stable relationship in which this sort of thing routinely went on, but since then I really haven’t been able to bring it up (even with a stable relationship).
September 24th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
In a 12-team 0.75 PPR league (NOT a keeper league) with a flex spot, I’m being offered Bernard Berrian for LeSean McCoy straight-up. My WRs are Fitzgerald, T.O., Nate Washington, and Chansi Stuckey. My RBs are Gore, LenWhale, Larry Johnson, Jerrious Norwood, LeSean McCoy, and Tashard Choice (fresh off the waiver wire). Do I give up the further potential of McCoy for the potentially more immediate impact of Berrian?
I’ve gone back and forth on this since last night. I just get the feeling Westbrook’s gonna be not practicing but still playing all or most of the year, rendering McCoy’s fantasy impact moot.
What do you guys think?
September 24th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
Regarding Crabtree, “come to turns”…seriously, way to fuck that one up CC
September 24th, 2009 at 5:42 pm
“When masturbation’s lost its fun, you’re fucking breaking.”
September 24th, 2009 at 5:42 pm
Regarding Crabtree, “come to turns”…seriously, way to fuck that one up CC
Fixed. The grammar Valhalla of the Mailbag remains intact. Except for every email submission, of course.
September 24th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
Trick Email! He wrote ‘CrabbyTree’ – he’s clearly gay.
September 24th, 2009 at 5:59 pm
@Stupid and sexless: while your choice of words was hilariously gauche, the real problem is a bit more fundamental in that you attempted to turn down sex in the first place. One thing I firmly believe in dealing with sexually aggressive women is that YOU MUST NOT TURN DOWN SEX EVER. If you try to perform and fail, so be it. She’ll get over it. But you cannot tell her you’re not interested. As the gatekeepers of sex, women have been conditioned to believe that every male wants sex all the time. Any time you decline sex, she takes this as a personal affront. It doesn’t matter how ridiculous and irrational it is for her to do so, her interpretation is that it’s not that you don’t want to have sex – it’s that you don’t want to have sex with her.
Sadly for you (but happily for your lower back!) you’ve probably seen the last of this girl. But hopefully you’ve learned a good lesson here.
September 24th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
@Kyle: I think you should also entertain the prospect that she lived a different sort of life before she relocated (prostitution).
September 24th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
AL: Start MJD. Period. And use Kleenex.
??: Every guy will go through a yellow fever phase. It’s natural. It’s beautiful. Embrace it. And go with Crayton. Romo’s gonna be throwing.
Stupid: ouch! Yous a fool!
Ted: Explain that your love for her has nothing to do with a tatoo. Hell, get one of her name alongside.
Trannylover: If it’s not a woman, it’s gay. Oh and exception to the Maury rule — if it’s the DNA test result shows. Those are 10 pounds of awesome.
Girlfriend: Unless she’s given you reason to believe she’s Geena Davis in The Long Kiss Goodnight, take her at her word.
Silver Fox: A hot woman wants you to play in her rectory. And the problem is?
CJ: To steal from Jim Jeffries “I don’t want the last image of me to be dead on top of a plastic pussy.”
Boobless: Given that she’s likely not interested in anyone else touching her boobs for the foreseeable future (what with all the biting and slapping and suckling) when you next get the go-ahead, you’re gonna go for them. Relax.
Winger: Fuck you. All I got for college graduation was $15K in debt.
gg all-in: AdultFriendFinder.kom
Thanks bitches: Tell her if she wants a better sexy time then wake the fuck up early and wake you up with a morning BJ.
September 24th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
“Kyle, Kyle, Kyle. She can only wear the mask for so long. Probably a former slut trying to reform. Send her my way. I never met a slut I didn’t like, just a few I didn’t want to be around. Oink. Hey Silver Fox. Nail it for Christ’s sakes. You need advice on that? And yo masterbater Al. Buy a roll of Bounty and stroke on. Oink”.
September 24th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
Usually I can make my own damn FF decisions, but I’m paralyzed on this one – Slaton at Jacksonville, or Freddy Jackson against New Orleans? 0.5 PPR, if that matters.
My thought is that Buffalo is going to have to throw a lot to keep up with Breejus, which diminishes FJack. However, Slaton has sucked ass all year.
September 24th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
@Dagotron: at first glance, I wanted to say make that deal. Berrian gives you 3 starting-caliber WRs (along with Fitzy and TO) while leaving you with Gore, LenWhale and the leftovers of LJ or Norwood/Choice.
Then again, losing McCoy does leave you with just 2 starting RBs and Chris Johnson is going to take the bulk of the carries away from LenWhale.
So I’d say no.
September 24th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
@Roy Hobbs:
I still think Jackson will figure in Buffalo’s passing game, but Slaton’s gotta turn it on this week — if you put a gun to my head, I’d probably still say Slaton. (Full disclosure: I am a slave to my man-love for Slaton, after picking him up off the waiver wire last year.)
September 24th, 2009 at 6:16 pm
Zack – No truer words have ever been spoken in the comments of the KSK mailbag.
September 24th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
I banged 2 hot freshmen last Friday! Yay!
Nothing makes you a stud like bragging to anonymous people you can’t see and will never, ever know.
As for the tat question, my condolences on you wife’s passing. Try respectfully explaining that your feelings for your new woman does not negate the fact that you had a life before you met her. The tat should stay.
September 24th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
“do” not negate. Sorry.
September 24th, 2009 at 6:26 pm
dagotron, don’t do it. You have Fitz and TO, and you can find you some waver wire WRs (Knox and Manningham spring to mind). Westbrook is already hurting. You can do better, imo.
September 24th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
Zack was right and thanks a lot Stupid and sexless, you really fucked it up for anyone following you. Asshole.
September 24th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
Patrick Crayton (vs. Car) or Laurent Robinson (vs GB)?
September 24th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
Further thoughts no one will care about:
The guy directing his dad’s choir should have absolutely no qualms about wrecking the 40 year old, and frankly I don’t see what the dilemma is.
The father of the newborn also has no reason for concern, as your kid should be the last thing you’re thinking about when plowing the wife.
September 24th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
I’ll just say this now, if I hadn’t said it before: I love you Slash
September 24th, 2009 at 7:11 pm
“RE the past: I’ve never understood the obsession with wanting to know every little detail about someone’s past personal life. Who are you, the FBI?”
Amen to that. The whole conversation never leads anywhere good, and everybody ends up lying anyway.
I also love the people who try to justify it as an STD issue. If you’re worried about STDs, the relevant questions are “do you have any STDs?” and “when were you last tested?” I want to know who the hell decides “you’ve been with 17 guys? Sorry, I can’t sleep with you because you’re probably a diseased slut. 16 would have been ok, though.”
September 24th, 2009 at 7:23 pm
Kleenex, I have no clue it can be messy unless you are trying to be. I’ve never understood the sock, what happens if you put your foot it on before washing (unless I am the only person who re wares socks in a pinch) , or using a dirty sock is probably something i prefer not to do.
September 24th, 2009 at 7:24 pm
Aw, thanks, PirateSloth.
RE Dunstan: I just think you should be allowed to reveal things in your own time, if you want to, not because somebody is grilling you like Brenda Leigh in The Closer. Exceptions being the ones I listed. Even if a chick could (or wanted to) remember every dick she’s ever experienced, why would a dude wanna hear about it? I don’t get it. And I feel the same way about women expecting men to spill everything. If it doesn’t concern you or affect you, you really don’t have a right to demand info about it. And yeah, a heart-to-heart talk about past sexual contacts won’t keep you from getting the clap. Either use a rubber or go get tested for various STDs and come back with a doctor’s note or whatever. But asking somebody about every little detail of their past before they met you reeks of control issues and insecurity. People should be allowed to keep some shit to themselves.
September 24th, 2009 at 7:38 pm
If the first email author were any lazier, he’d be in a fucking coma.
September 24th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
I say keep the ink. You have feelings for your late wife that, let’s face it, are never going away. You two didn’t split up, she was taken from you. If the new can’t accept that the occupies a different place in your heart (not necessarily inferior, just different), then you might have to think about giving her the shoe.
September 24th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
@Roy Hobbs: I say go with Slaton. Teams haven’t been able to run on the Saints D, for all the talk about their poor quality. On top of which, if Breesus gets his passing game going, the Bills will almost certainly abandon the run and try to keep up. So take Slaton (who is due) and put him against a Jags D that is going through the motions in an attempt to get Del Rio canned.
@Flip It: Crayton. Romo’s going to be throwing against Carolina and do you trust the Rams O-Line to protect Bulger against the Packers pass rushers?
September 24th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
FF question for the Kommenters: Which 2 RBs should I start out of the following: Brandon Jacobs @ TB, Portis @ Det, McGahee @ Cle, or Fred Jackson @ NO?
I guess I should provide some sort advice to the masses. Naturally, it’ll be in the realm of masturbation. Latex gloves (powder-free, and for God’s sake, don’t reuse them) and a paper towel for afterwards works wonders.
September 24th, 2009 at 8:26 pm
@The Virgin Connie Swayle: Definitely Jacobs and Portis. Both playing shitty defenses. As for the other two, McGahee’s handcuffed with Ray Rice (even if it’s against Cleveland); Jackson’s been discussed in the comments above.
September 24th, 2009 at 8:30 pm
Dating A Shy Girl: Just because the girl won’t talk about her exes doesn’t mean she has a lot / was a slut before. As some examples, I dated one girl who used to be fat. When she came to college she lost A LOT of weight and basically purged all high school era photos of her fat ass and refused to talk about because she was ashamed of how she used to look. So just let the bodies stay buried here.
September 24th, 2009 at 8:32 pm
Anybody offering Lee evans as fantasy advice gets a Grade F for the week. Although the rest of the advice was very perfectly sound.
And dude with Eagles defense, thats probably going to be your highest grossing commodity by years end. It was for me last year, out-did peyton manning and MJD…
@ TVCS, Start Portis @ Detroit, Start anything at detroit fool. And McGahee at Cleveland. Start anything at Cleveland Fool
September 24th, 2009 at 9:35 pm
@Reggie Bush’s Pimp: Thanks a lot. I just watched so many of those DNA-test episodes that YouTube now thinks I fathered little baby Hulu.
September 24th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
@ Horrified Trannywatcher: If you’re ever curious about what those people look like naked, two words: Buck Angel
September 24th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
Kleenex is no match for my semen.
September 24th, 2009 at 10:51 pm
To the guy considering a dude sex toy: Yeah, jerking off is boring. But whatever gains the fleshlight has on your hand in sensation (moderate), it absolutely loses in cleanup time. Because when I’m done jerking off, I know I want to run soapy water through a rubber sleeve that now looks embarrassingly pink and leave it out to air dry for 24 hours so it doesn’t smell like a wet basement. Anyway, I still had/have sex with a woman, but the fleshlight just sits in the damn closet.
September 24th, 2009 at 11:09 pm
/was hoping for “anonymous people you can’t see and will never, ever know” to stick up for me
/totally should have seen the “eat a dick” comment coming
September 25th, 2009 at 12:34 am
Leave the tat if you want, but man, recognize upfront that if this woman is the RIGHT one to spend the next stage of your life with, you may seriously regret your decision. The dating pool at mid-life is smaller — and there’s increased baggage and landmines — so if you’ve got the right one, I think I’d personally keep every memory, photograph, mediocre b-day gift your first wife gave you, etc. and out of no disrespect to her, consider dumping the ink as a fair compromise for the right gal…
September 25th, 2009 at 1:36 am
That chick is hiding something. If you get serious with her, then you’re gonna find out one way or the other. It’s not an issue unless it gets more serious. I don’t want to know even one of my wife’s stories, but I’m willing to share all of mine if she cares (which she doesn’t). It’s like mutually assured destruction. Hey it worked for Reagan!
September 25th, 2009 at 3:58 am
@Kyle – Get out of there. Now. There is a closet there with so many skeletons it will break your heart.
September 25th, 2009 at 8:46 am
1) An older woman wants to do you ? And she’s attractive ? Why are we even having this conversation ?
2) T&t man : Proceed with caution. As others have much more eloquently said, your last wife occupies a special place in your heart. What next ? You’re ” forbidden ” from ever mentioning her or staying in contact with her family or your mutual friends ?
3) CSI : Let it go. If she’s good in bed, she learned it from Cosmo. You’re getting some on a regular basis, she’s disease free and you get along outside the bedroom. Thumbs up.
4) Dude dating a nympho: Send flowers. Every day. With an apology note.
5) Early morning sex guy: Start your day with dinner at the ‘Y’.
September 25th, 2009 at 9:18 am
Early morning sex guy: Start your day with dinner at the ‘Y’.
But they don’t serve dinner at the … oh, I see what you did there.
September 25th, 2009 at 10:21 am
Ted – keep the tat, if she can’t get past that…her loss.
Silver Fox – a follow up is required…
Slash – I love reading your replies!!!
September 25th, 2009 at 10:35 am
Otto Man you are correct, I should’ve said
“Start your day with BREAKFAST at the ‘y’ “
September 25th, 2009 at 10:53 am
RE: Boobless in Bloomington
Trust me, pal, you’ll be appreciating the funbags again in no time. But be prepared that breastfeeding leaves the nips of many women in less than pristine condition.
September 25th, 2009 at 11:18 am
“Sounds like you need to take a job where you work the third shift.”
You know, it’s like I don’t even know you guys anymore. The wife needs the third-shift job, not the dude.
September 25th, 2009 at 11:32 am
Silver Fox: DOOOOOOOO IIIIIITTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
September 25th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
RE: The Kyle situation: What I’m saying is that chances are good that her past is not good, and that person is still there. It has nothing to do with spilling every secret. It’s a personality/character thing, and someday, whatever it is she’s hiding, or trying to convince herself she’s not, is gonna come out. And it’s gonna break your heart.
September 25th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Boobless in Bloomington – My wife and I have five kids, every one of which she nursed. And I’m still enjoying the mams regularly. As you may have already found out, though, extreme caution must be used when approaching them while your wife is still nursing. There’s more milk in there than a frickin’ 7-11, and even the tiniest bit of squeezing, poking, prodding, sucking, etc. will draw it out. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. You just gotta be prepared for the inevitable Lactate Sundae.
September 25th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
flub, you were ON FUCKING FIRE! Bravo, good sir. Bravo.
Also, if all girls want to fuck your dad, how on earth do YOU not get laid out of that deal? Drop a few hints that you’re better hung than your dad, or that you’ll put in a good word for them et VOILA.
Jesus…
Also, if you’re going to nail that 40 year old biddy, I’d strongly recommend one of you switching churches. Otherwise it WILL come out, and you’re both going to get the stink-eye from everyone else.
September 25th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
Andy Botwin has some tips for the masturbator. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5BXhD3oK7w
September 26th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Dear Winger Fan,
Fuck yourself with a branding iron.
Sincerely,
Every Guy on the Internets Who Hasn’t Had a Threesome