There’s A New Rex In Town
09.17.09
(Monday morning, Jets headquarters)
Mark Sanchez: Hey, Leon!
Leon Washington: Yo.
Sanchez: Who we got on the schedule this week?
Washington: Looks like… New England. Pats coming in.
Sanchez: Oof. The Pats? Damn. They’re tough.
Washington: Yup.
Sanchez: What do you think the game plan’s gonna be?
Washington: Don’t worry about it. Coach Ryan got it taken care of.
Sanchez: Hey, where is Coach Ryan?
(door flies open)
Rex: HOW THE FUCK YOU GUYS DOIN?!
(swipes Sanchez’s PowerBar, takes bite, throws rest in the trash)
Everyone: Hey, Coach.
Rex: Oh, I’m sorry. Didn’t know I stumbled into THE PUSSY CONVENTION! I asked you all HOW THE FUCK YOU’RE DOIN’?!
(cranks GNR on the locker room stereo)
Everyone: HEY, COACH!
Rex: Okay. First order of the day: NICKNAMES. Sanchez, from now on your name is Chimichanga.
Sanchez: I thought my nickname was Dirty.
Rex: It’s both! YOU DIRTY FUCKING CHIMICHANGA! You get laid last night, son?
Sanchez: Well, I don’t wanna kiss and tell…
Rex: OH! OUR LITTLE ROOKIE GOT HIMSELF SOME SWEET NOOKIE!
(gives Sanchez noogie)
(farts)
Washington, your nickname is Tiny, because you’re fucking small. Keller, your nickname is Pussymangler. Ferguson, your nickname is Da Brick. And I got a special nickname for our opponent this week: FAGGOTS! YOU’RE PLAYING THE NEW ENGLAND FAGGOTS!
Sanchez: What’s the game plan, Coach?
Rex: Well son, we’re gonna go six DB’s against these guys. We’re gonna sit back, force them to drive down the field. We’re gonna lay off the blitz, and we’re go with straight umbrella coverage.
Sanchez: Really?
Rex: Nah. I was just fuckin’ was ya. WE’RE GONNA FUCKING MUTILATE THOSE FUCKERS! KILLLLLLLLL!!!!!
(everyone cheers)
Rex: We’re blitzing every play! I’m bringing the house, boys. Actually, FUCK THE HOUSE. WE’RE BRINGING THE WHOLE GODDAMN BLOCK. You’re blitzing too, Dirty Chimichanga!
Sanchez: But I play offense.
Rex: WHO GIVES A JUMPING FUCK? I want EVERY GODDAMN PLAYER ON THIS SQUAD READY TO FUCKING KILL!
(hands out bayonets)
(straps Belichick dummy to tackling sled)
LET’S GO. FUCKING KILLLLLLLLLLL IT!
(everyone stabs it)
Good. That’s good fucking work, boys! Next order of business: Bounties! Any you fellas know this Adalius Thomas? $50 TO THE MAN WHO FUCKS HIS SISTER AND BRINGS ME A SNAPSHOT OF HER NAKED! Everyone who doesn’t is fined $1,000. You guys! I’m so fucking jazzed for this game. WE’RE GONNA RAPE ‘EM! AND THEN WE’RE GOIN’ TUBING!
Sanchez: Snow tubing or water tubing?
Rex: PUSSY TUBING! Next order of business: Brady’s knee. Now, that fucking dipshit was wearing a brace last night. Keller, I want you to sneak into Brady’s hotel room the night before the game and carefully remove the screws from that brace.
Keller: Uh, isn’t that illegal?
Rex: Goddamn right it is. THAT’S THE BEST PART! Tear that asshole’s leg in half and I’m taking all of you out for STEAKS AND BLOWJOBS!
(everyone cheers)
Next order of business: Shit talking. MANGOLD, I saw a picture of your sister on the COMPUNET! There’s a woman who could take a punch! HEY DA BRICK! How many a these sausage patties you think I can eat in five minutes? YOU WANNA THROW DOWN? Any you homos ever punched a gay? They make the funniest sound. Here, I made it my cell phone ring!
Sanchez: Coach, can we have story time today?
Rex: Maybe later in the week. Right now, I have to call this 49-year-old skank I know to show up at Belichick’s door the night of the game and suck that man’s cold white dick! BUT NOT BEFORE I GET A TASTE OF HER!
(everyone cheers)
Men, lemme tell you something. Everyone’s calling us underdogs on Sunday. Well, THERE ARE NO FUCKING UNDERDOGS IN THIS LOCKER ROOM. YOU ARE FUCKING WINNERS. YOU ARE FUCKING WINNERS AND AFTER WE DISMEMBER THESE FUCKERS WE’RE ALL GOING ICE FISHING. WE’RE GONNA KILL, FUCK, AND DRINK. THAT’S HOW A REX FUCKING RYAN TEAM OPERATES. YOU THINK I’M GONNA GET OUTCOACHED BY SOME HERMIT IN A FUCKING SWEATSHIRT? FUCK THAT TEAM, FUCK THEIR FAMILIES, AND FUCK THE WORLD. ARE YOU WITH ME?!
Everyone: YES!
Rex: GIMME A FUCKING HELL YEAH!
Everyone: FUCKING HELL YEAH!
Rex: Jesus, I’ve got to take a monster shit!
(tucks box of donuts under arm, walks to bathroom)
Sanchez: I love that man.
This week, we’re holding the third annual KSK Kares Kharity Drive to support Matt Ufford’s participation in Fight Gone Bad, which raises money for the Wounded Warrior Project and Athletes for a Cure. Please donate at Ufford’s fundraising page.
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Holy shit, that was awesome.
PUSSY TUBING!
Wow. Another KSKism for the daily vernacular. I’ll be attempting to use that one this weekend. Wish me luck.
Quality Kharacter intro Drew
Oh. My. Fuck.
/wipes single tear
//wishes he was my team’s coach too
///ahh…Payton’s better than anything we’ve had…possibly EVER
Who knew that Chet from “Weird Science” grew up to be a fat NFL coach?
That’s how you motivate a team. Pussy tubing, I want that.
Any you homos ever punched a gay? They make the funniest sound. Here, I made it my cell phone ring!
Wow. Just wow. If nothing else, I’m glad we have Rex in the division just for posts like this.
This post made me want to crack open a beer and punch a Patriots fan.
Ryan is the anti-Jauron
I’d just like to point out that this pigfucker coached with Brian Billick just two years ago. Only Baltimore could contain a confluence of douche that intense.
Outfuckingstanding
Fucking A
i love that man too, dirty chimichanga.
Lofty.
Superb. “Pussy Tubing” is the best combination of two words I’ve ever seen.
Fanfuckingtastic.
As a Jets fan, I’m strangely inspired.
So…97% accurate?
@UU: What, you’d rather have Rex over Dick?
Nice. Let’s just hope that belt can make through the season. Even with the Ravens stank on him, I’m rooting for the Jets to steal the division this year, in hopes that the Pats miss the playoffs again.
If you put together all the moles on Dirty’s face, it would be able to apply for statehood.
Well fuckin done.
Sexy Rexy is my hero.
I sure hope brother Rob and the crazy ol’ patriarch visit Jets headquarters soon.
It’s like seeing a newborn for the first time. Awe-inspiring. And damn does Baltimore miss that man.
Isn’t Hawaii an archipelamole?
Just pointing out, that belt appears to be elastic.
Looks like a baseball belt, too.
Again, the Ryans are innovators.
Can’t wait to hear the locker room speech after a loss…
As a long suffering Raiders fan I have to wonder just who is Rob’s dad? It sure as hell isn’t Buddy
/suspects one of the waiters from the Pirates of the Carribean restaurant at Disneyland
//Have fun with that asshole, Cleveland!
(farts)
It’s Drew’s attention to detail and his dedication to verisimilitude that keep bringing me back. Cause you know Rexy is one gassy bitch.
Love the new character
/praying for steaks and blowjobs
Dirty Chimichanga? I don’t get it. They think I’m Mexican. You’re not Mexican????
Keller, your nickname is Pussymangler. Ferguson,
The first time I read that, I missed the period. I do like the name Pussymangler Ferguson though.
Holy shit that was great. I am fired up
Damn, I’m ready to kill some Patriot faggots myself. Who’s with me?
/team runs to locker room
Rex: Shit, we forgot to practice.
Thats someone even Tawmmy might like, if he wasn’t a New York faggot that is.
Pussy Tubing = Urban Dictionary’d as of now.
I look forward to the weeks when Rex has to take a call from his father.
// pork chop flies open
Cheviz, nice “Revenge of the Nerds” reference. I too thought of Coach Harris from that movie when I read this.
You know, when you were a baby in your crib, your father looked down at you, he had but one hope – some day my son will grow to be a man. Well look at you now. You just got your asses whipped by a bunch of goddamn nerds. Nerds! Well, if I was you, I’d do something about it. I would get up and redeem myself in the eyes of my father, my maker, and my coach!
If that doesn’t fucking fire you up to be a Jets fan then you deserved to be punched like a gay.
I thought Sanchez played baseball for the Yankees? God damn does he look familiar…
i fucking love you. this makes me so proud to be a jets fan and have a coach like him. it will definitely be a more interesting and fun season and now i have one more ksk kharacter to look forward to
/I still think we’re going 6-10 this season
//realizes belichick will probably have a game plan consisting of tons of short passes and screens to welker and kevin faulk that will negate our blitz and we’ll probably get our ass kicked
///loves steaks and blowjobs, especially at the same time
////who am i kidding, i’ve never had a blowjob while eating steak, so my life has been worthless up to this point
Imagine Bum and Buddy chatting about their boys…who’s more ashamed I wonder? I’m guessing Bum, because he would have killed Double J by now.
Wish he coached my team? I wish he was my fucking dad.
“Any you homos ever punched a gay? They make the funniest sound. Here, I made it my cell phone ring!”
Annnnd that’s where I lost it. Jesus – I want this man to coach my alma mater.
Perfect, except for the part about Rex throwing food in the trash (even if it was just a PowerBar).
/farts
My team has a KSK character that isn’t Joe Namath. I’m so happy I could shit green.
Not to sound all jealous that the Jets have a fantastic new character, but whatever happened to Vinny from Rockaway or whatever the stereotypical Giants fan was called?
Ok, I am jealous. But in absence of Vinny, can we have a Rex and Sergeant Tom summit? Talk about creative profanity.
Wow, that sounded exactly like a Dick Jauron pep talk!
Bravo. Brafuckingvo.
I wish he was my dad
holy fuck!!! now am revved up!!! kill, kill, kill!!!!!
I read that and punched my boss
@Lil’ Wayne Chrebet
Considering the fucking Bills had very little trouble moving the ball against the Pats, I wouldn’t be too worried about getting killed.
“Any you homos ever punched a gay? They make the funniest sound. Here, I made it my cell phone ring!”
Hey coach, can I get that ringtone of you? Its hawt!
Erik Ainge has been sent on a mission to get the sleeves from Bill’s sweatshirts so Coach Ryan can wipe up his snail trails with them.
Rex Ryan is officially the coolest guy on the face on the planet.
I almost punched myself in the face last week when I realized I had 3 Jets on my fantasy team. Until I realized that they were actually carrying my team not sinking it. True Story.
/Fuck yea I like this guy.
YES!!
I think that gave me my KSK virginity back. Then forcibly retook it.
Holy f’in crap…I’d go to war for a coach like that. That was better than a cup of coffee and a bj. Well, maybe better than a cup of coffee….
jest are still going to get their asses handed to them by them new england faggots.
Can’t wait until Rex Ryan meets Double J. Worlds. Will. Collide.
Great speech. Lofty speech.
As a lifelong Jets fan, this post has made me prouder to root for them than anything they’ve done on the field (which, admittedly, isn’t much).
/has an awkward feeling that Jets season will be more interesting on KSK than in real life/
//mainly because of the Pussy Tubing and Steaks & Blowjobs//
Damn I just had a basic training flashback.
That is absolutely an eleastic baseball belt. Possibly the only option for a 58 waist. But fuck yeah that was awesome.
/Wishes the Bills would hire a couch like him
@ StuScott – And yet another fantasy football name is created.
Looks like Rex is playing Lottery scratch tickets on the sidelines.
If the Jets win this weekend, I’ll be hoping and praying that Rex runs over and punches Belichick in the face instead of shaking his hand. THAT WOULD BE FUCKING OUTSTANDING.
/Belicheat would probably curl up and cry.
//PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE MAKE THIS HAPPEN!
/lights a cigarette, offers
//leans back in bed and takes a long, slow puff
Well, that was the greatest experience of my life. Was it good for you too?
Oh fuck no…. now way. No. Fucking. Way. There is no way that King Laserface I allows Leon Fucking Wahongton to go by the name “tiny”. There is only one Tiny RB and that is Tiny Darren! Laserface gonna fuck you up for that!
well played.
Somewhere in LA, Bill Simmons is causually walking to his mailbox. He’s going to get the mail before he sits down to punch out another mailbag. In the mail are the usual stack of bills and advertisements – but there is also a strange letter from New Jersey.
Simmons opens the letter and inside is a polaroid snapshot of rex ryan’s cock.
/I wish this were true
This site now completely influences for whom I do and do not root.
/searches Verizon for gay-getting-punched ringtone
That was absolutely amazing.
What a difference a year makes. The Jets needed some good new KSK fodder after last year’s Mangini/Favre wheeze.
sure as hell beats the ‘win one for the gipper’ speech
This post makes me want to blitz. And then commit a hate crime.
J-E-T-S!
Jets!
Jets!
Jets!
Shouldn’t it be
(cups of Gatorade ripple/ground tremble)
(door flies open)
I think the KSK seal of approval makes me even more proud to be a Jets fan.
That was fucking awesome. Fucking. Awesome.
Holy Jebus that was incredible…Loving the noogies and farts.
And this…
Any you homos ever punched a gay? They make the funniest sound. Here, I made it my cell phone ring!
Great work!
I was expecting another masshole tahmmy from quinzee rant when i read door flies open. At first I was dissapointed, and then finished reading.
This was much better.
Any you homos ever punched a gay? They make the funniest sound. Here, I made it my cell phone ring!
Ladies and Gentlemen, Rex Ryan’s ringtone is “Benny and the Jets”.
It’s good to see Ron White get his chance at a head coaching job.
“Everyone who doesn’t is fined $1000″
Huge intro! I’m so stoked for the next installment.
I’m gonna tell my team this weekend that if they win, I’m taking them out for steak and blowjobs.
Do you think it will work on my 9 and 10 year olds?
I haven’t been this inspired since the opening scene of Patton. And I’m a Dolphins fan.
@HarfHarfHarf-
That depends.
What do their cheerleaders look like?
/books one-way seat to hell
BUT NOT BEFORE I GET A TASTE OF HER!
brilliant. today we are all Jets fans.
Awesome.
Is it wrong that Rex Ryan is now my favorite person alive? No? Good.
Sexy Rexy v2.0
Not sure which I like better…
/runs through a wall for Coach Ryan
FUCKING HELL YEAH! OUT-FUCKING-STANDING.
I just kicked my goddamn boss in the head and fucked the Coke machine while blasting Iron Maiden. Now it’s time for Pussy Tubing.
FUCH YEAH!!! More, please.
Just so everyone knows…
[steakandbjday.com]
Spread the gospel, people. I’mma go run through a wall for Rex Ryan now.
I thought that was King Kong Bundy in the first Ryan pic.
Absolutely fucking amazing.
I think the line on the Jets game moved from +5 to +3.5 based on the awesomeness of this post alone.
“Only Baltimore could contain a confluence of douche that intense.”
Though it’s hard to argue with that sentence, when I think confluence and douche, I’m usually thinking of another AFC North city.
/knows Cowboy fans are insufferable assholes too
NOW I’M PUMPED – SO PUMPED I’M TYPING IN ALL CAPS TO SHOW HOW PUMPED I AM. HELL YEAH!
Oh god, it’s like Marmalard became a head coach.
On a side note, is it just me or is he even fatter than Andy Reid?
I am not joking in the least when I tell you that I am FIRED UP. I have never been so PUMPED by a blog post EVAR!!1 Actually, this rates high on the list of real speeches I’ve heard.
I’d stab a man with a butter knife for Coach Ryan just because.
I know of no thing in the world that creates more anticipation than “door flies open..”
Ryno Sez:
“Somewhere in LA, Bill Simmons is causually walking to his mailbox. He’s going to get the mail before he sits down to punch out another mailbag. In the mail are the usual stack of bills and advertisements – but there is also a strange letter from New Jersey.
Simmons opens the letter and inside is a polaroid snapshot of rex ryan’s cock.”
Dude, Rex Ryan hasn’t seen his cock in YEARS. He squats to piss. That buddah belly hangs to mid thigh.
Is it gay that I can play Bennie and the Jets?
Awwww…I guess this means that MMP’s “Dyslexy Rexy” won’t be coming back. That was fucking hilarious.
What else would you expect from the son of Bud-zilla?
Man, could you imagine KSK doing this sort of thing back in the day with Buddy Ryan?
That is a fuckin’ coach!
Is it gay that I can play Bennie and the Jets?
Yes.
I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time. This was perfect. I think even the Jets themselves would love it. I’m so glad I’m a Jets fan.
Great Job! I fully expect Ryan to get on the TV set & smack Ditka in the face….just to honor the memory of dear old dad.
I will now root for the Jets.
This was epic
god i’m proud to be a jets fan
This and “Patton” are in the same league. I’m ready to play!!!!!!!!! This is my new best website.
This is my first time reading this site, and holy crap is it amazing.
Also, there’s a lot of people who don’t have a rooting interest either way that weren’t going to root against the New England Faggots? Really?
A+ and a gold fucking star, Drew. You are a guitar-shredding, motherfucking rock star!
if loving KSK Rex Ryan is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.
amazing and hysterical . and maybe the best website name ever.
In honor of this awesome post, I’m starting every email I send tomorrow with “(door flies open)”
/goes Pussy Tubing through wall
I’d give Lance’s Armstrong’s left testicle to play for Coach Ryan. Hell I’d sneak into the Patriots locker room and put IcyHot on their jockstraps the night before kickoff for that guy.
why is rex stealing my act?
I just about choked on my bagel with that one. Holy shit, that was fucking funny.
Wait a minute– that wasn’t an actual transcript? Had me fooled.
KILL, FUCK AND DRINK!
Those all sound like fun things.
Damn it. I really hope the Ravens don’t regret not hiring Rex when they had the chance.
Chances John Harbaugh sends 49-year old hookers to opposing coach’s houses?
0.
Finally…
an answer to the question of what happens when the Double J impregnates Wade.
That Drew’s a straight shooter with upper management potential.
Annnnd that’s where I lost it. Jesus – I want this man to coach my alma mater
Fuck that, I want him to coach my son’s Pop Warner team.
Fuck, I wish the Broncos had hired him instead of uberdouche McDaniels
Freaking amazing… And if there was such a coach, he probably would win the big one every year. You just cant stop that tenacity.
Gotta love D’brickashaw’s nickname basically being his name anyway.
Best… post… ever…
just makes me want to scream
J
E
T
S
JETS
JETS
coolest guy since Uncle Buck
Sanchez has more warts than Lemmy.
punching gays is my fuckn favorite sport!!! LETS GO JETSSS!!!!!!! PUSSY TUBE THOSE FUCKRS!!!!!!!! WHO DA FUCK IS WIT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow, they actually beat the pats and blitzed the hell out of tawmmy. Only makes this more awesome.
Rex Ryan is battling Pacman and Marmalard for the #1 KSKharacter. Genius.
JETS OWNED….2009
Dear God in heaven, I almost pissed my pants, I am still choking and laughing.
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