There’s A New Rex In Town
09.17.09
(Monday morning, Jets headquarters)
Mark Sanchez: Hey, Leon!
Leon Washington: Yo.
Sanchez: Who we got on the schedule this week?
Washington: Looks like… New England. Pats coming in.
Sanchez: Oof. The Pats? Damn. They’re tough.
Washington: Yup.
Sanchez: What do you think the game plan’s gonna be?
Washington: Don’t worry about it. Coach Ryan got it taken care of.
Sanchez: Hey, where is Coach Ryan?
(door flies open)
Rex: HOW THE FUCK YOU GUYS DOIN?!
(swipes Sanchez’s PowerBar, takes bite, throws rest in the trash)
Everyone: Hey, Coach.
Rex: Oh, I’m sorry. Didn’t know I stumbled into THE PUSSY CONVENTION! I asked you all HOW THE FUCK YOU’RE DOIN’?!
(cranks GNR on the locker room stereo)
Everyone: HEY, COACH!
Rex: Okay. First order of the day: NICKNAMES. Sanchez, from now on your name is Chimichanga.
Sanchez: I thought my nickname was Dirty.
Rex: It’s both! YOU DIRTY FUCKING CHIMICHANGA! You get laid last night, son?
Sanchez: Well, I don’t wanna kiss and tell…
Rex: OH! OUR LITTLE ROOKIE GOT HIMSELF SOME SWEET NOOKIE!
(gives Sanchez noogie)
(farts)
Washington, your nickname is Tiny, because you’re fucking small. Keller, your nickname is Pussymangler. Ferguson, your nickname is Da Brick. And I got a special nickname for our opponent this week: FAGGOTS! YOU’RE PLAYING THE NEW ENGLAND FAGGOTS!
Sanchez: What’s the game plan, Coach?
Rex: Well son, we’re gonna go six DB’s against these guys. We’re gonna sit back, force them to drive down the field. We’re gonna lay off the blitz, and we’re go with straight umbrella coverage.
Sanchez: Really?
Rex: Nah. I was just fuckin’ was ya. WE’RE GONNA FUCKING MUTILATE THOSE FUCKERS! KILLLLLLLLL!!!!!
(everyone cheers)
Rex: We’re blitzing every play! I’m bringing the house, boys. Actually, FUCK THE HOUSE. WE’RE BRINGING THE WHOLE GODDAMN BLOCK. You’re blitzing too, Dirty Chimichanga!
Sanchez: But I play offense.
Rex: WHO GIVES A JUMPING FUCK? I want EVERY GODDAMN PLAYER ON THIS SQUAD READY TO FUCKING KILL!
(hands out bayonets)
(straps Belichick dummy to tackling sled)
LET’S GO. FUCKING KILLLLLLLLLLL IT!
(everyone stabs it)
Good. That’s good fucking work, boys! Next order of business: Bounties! Any you fellas know this Adalius Thomas? $50 TO THE MAN WHO FUCKS HIS SISTER AND BRINGS ME A SNAPSHOT OF HER NAKED! Everyone who doesn’t is fined $1,000. You guys! I’m so fucking jazzed for this game. WE’RE GONNA RAPE ‘EM! AND THEN WE’RE GOIN’ TUBING!
Sanchez: Snow tubing or water tubing?
Rex: PUSSY TUBING! Next order of business: Brady’s knee. Now, that fucking dipshit was wearing a brace last night. Keller, I want you to sneak into Brady’s hotel room the night before the game and carefully remove the screws from that brace.
Keller: Uh, isn’t that illegal?
Rex: Goddamn right it is. THAT’S THE BEST PART! Tear that asshole’s leg in half and I’m taking all of you out for STEAKS AND BLOWJOBS!
(everyone cheers)
Next order of business: Shit talking. MANGOLD, I saw a picture of your sister on the COMPUNET! There’s a woman who could take a punch! HEY DA BRICK! How many a these sausage patties you think I can eat in five minutes? YOU WANNA THROW DOWN? Any you homos ever punched a gay? They make the funniest sound. Here, I made it my cell phone ring!
Sanchez: Coach, can we have story time today?
Rex: Maybe later in the week. Right now, I have to call this 49-year-old skank I know to show up at Belichick’s door the night of the game and suck that man’s cold white dick! BUT NOT BEFORE I GET A TASTE OF HER!
(everyone cheers)
Men, lemme tell you something. Everyone’s calling us underdogs on Sunday. Well, THERE ARE NO FUCKING UNDERDOGS IN THIS LOCKER ROOM. YOU ARE FUCKING WINNERS. YOU ARE FUCKING WINNERS AND AFTER WE DISMEMBER THESE FUCKERS WE’RE ALL GOING ICE FISHING. WE’RE GONNA KILL, FUCK, AND DRINK. THAT’S HOW A REX FUCKING RYAN TEAM OPERATES. YOU THINK I’M GONNA GET OUTCOACHED BY SOME HERMIT IN A FUCKING SWEATSHIRT? FUCK THAT TEAM, FUCK THEIR FAMILIES, AND FUCK THE WORLD. ARE YOU WITH ME?!
Everyone: YES!
Rex: GIMME A FUCKING HELL YEAH!
Everyone: FUCKING HELL YEAH!
Rex: Jesus, I’ve got to take a monster shit!
(tucks box of donuts under arm, walks to bathroom)
Sanchez: I love that man.
This week, we’re holding the third annual KSK Kares Kharity Drive to support Matt Ufford’s participation in Fight Gone Bad, which raises money for the Wounded Warrior Project and Athletes for a Cure. Please donate at Ufford’s fundraising page.
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for the huge canvas, but I’m really caring the new Zune, and comedian this, as cured as the reviews opposite grouping possess typed, instrument help you adjudicate if it’s the good select for you.
Dear God in heaven, I almost pissed my pants, I am still choking and laughing.
JETS OWNED….2009
Rex Ryan is battling Pacman and Marmalard for the #1 KSKharacter. Genius.
Wow, they actually beat the pats and blitzed the hell out of tawmmy. Only makes this more awesome.
punching gays is my fuckn favorite sport!!! LETS GO JETSSS!!!!!!! PUSSY TUBE THOSE FUCKRS!!!!!!!! WHO DA FUCK IS WIT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sanchez has more warts than Lemmy.
coolest guy since Uncle Buck
just makes me want to scream
J
E
T
S
JETS
JETS
Best… post… ever…
Freaking amazing… And if there was such a coach, he probably would win the big one every year. You just cant stop that tenacity.
Gotta love D’brickashaw’s nickname basically being his name anyway.
Fuck, I wish the Broncos had hired him instead of uberdouche McDaniels
Annnnd that’s where I lost it. Jesus – I want this man to coach my alma mater
Fuck that, I want him to coach my son’s Pop Warner team.
Finally…
an answer to the question of what happens when the Double J impregnates Wade.
That Drew’s a straight shooter with upper management potential.
Damn it. I really hope the Ravens don’t regret not hiring Rex when they had the chance.
Chances John Harbaugh sends 49-year old hookers to opposing coach’s houses?
0.
KILL, FUCK AND DRINK!
Those all sound like fun things.
Wait a minute– that wasn’t an actual transcript? Had me fooled.
I just about choked on my bagel with that one. Holy shit, that was fucking funny.
why is rex stealing my act?
I’d give Lance’s Armstrong’s left testicle to play for Coach Ryan. Hell I’d sneak into the Patriots locker room and put IcyHot on their jockstraps the night before kickoff for that guy.
In honor of this awesome post, I’m starting every email I send tomorrow with “(door flies open)”
/goes Pussy Tubing through wall
amazing and hysterical . and maybe the best website name ever.
if loving KSK Rex Ryan is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.
A+ and a gold fucking star, Drew. You are a guitar-shredding, motherfucking rock star!
This is my first time reading this site, and holy crap is it amazing.
Also, there’s a lot of people who don’t have a rooting interest either way that weren’t going to root against the New England Faggots? Really?
This and “Patton” are in the same league. I’m ready to play!!!!!!!!! This is my new best website.
god i’m proud to be a jets fan
I will now root for the Jets.
This was epic
Great Job! I fully expect Ryan to get on the TV set & smack Ditka in the face….just to honor the memory of dear old dad.
I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time. This was perfect. I think even the Jets themselves would love it. I’m so glad I’m a Jets fan.
Is it gay that I can play Bennie and the Jets?
Yes.
That is a fuckin’ coach!
Man, could you imagine KSK doing this sort of thing back in the day with Buddy Ryan?
What else would you expect from the son of Bud-zilla?
Awwww…I guess this means that MMP’s “Dyslexy Rexy” won’t be coming back. That was fucking hilarious.
Is it gay that I can play Bennie and the Jets?
Ryno Sez:
“Somewhere in LA, Bill Simmons is causually walking to his mailbox. He’s going to get the mail before he sits down to punch out another mailbag. In the mail are the usual stack of bills and advertisements – but there is also a strange letter from New Jersey.
Simmons opens the letter and inside is a polaroid snapshot of rex ryan’s cock.”
Dude, Rex Ryan hasn’t seen his cock in YEARS. He squats to piss. That buddah belly hangs to mid thigh.
I know of no thing in the world that creates more anticipation than “door flies open..”
I’d stab a man with a butter knife for Coach Ryan just because.
I am not joking in the least when I tell you that I am FIRED UP. I have never been so PUMPED by a blog post EVAR!!1 Actually, this rates high on the list of real speeches I’ve heard.
Oh god, it’s like Marmalard became a head coach.
On a side note, is it just me or is he even fatter than Andy Reid?
NOW I’M PUMPED – SO PUMPED I’M TYPING IN ALL CAPS TO SHOW HOW PUMPED I AM. HELL YEAH!
“Only Baltimore could contain a confluence of douche that intense.”
Though it’s hard to argue with that sentence, when I think confluence and douche, I’m usually thinking of another AFC North city.
/knows Cowboy fans are insufferable assholes too
I think the line on the Jets game moved from +5 to +3.5 based on the awesomeness of this post alone.