Then and Now: The Evolution of Brad Childress’s Facial Hair
One of the most important developments in the NFL this off-season was Brad Childress’s decision to grow a beard. With the simple act of not shaving, he swiftly eliminated one of his biggest criticisms: that he believes in Tarvaris Jackson looks like Gerald McRaney. But not Gerald McRaney in a tough-but-loving Marine officer way. More like Gerald McRaney as the villain in a Lifetime movie. The paleness, the male pattern baldness, the glasses, and most especially the mustache really made you feel like “Childress” was a surname shortened from “children undressing.”
This was Childress last year:
Scary, right? The only thing Photoshopped in that picture was the outdoors and the playground. The original photo was taken in his vast underground kiddie-rape dungeon [Ed. Note: not true. His kiddie-rape dungeon is in the attic.].
But the beard gives Childress some gravitas. He almost looks distinguished. He’s like an English professor at a community college now:
Now instead of leering at children, he’s leering at Michelle, the chubby 20-year-old single mom who got pregnant in high school. I can totally see him mailing in his lectures and making the symbolism in The Scarlet Letter even more boring than it already is. And encouraging Michelle to come by his office hours and discuss how she might be able to improve her grade, heh heh heh.
Tags: awful rapey, beard, brad childress, captain caveman, Ufford Photoshops
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September 3rd, 2009 at 8:15 am
He looks more like an analrapist to me.
September 3rd, 2009 at 8:17 am
Drew, man, isn’t this your favorite team? It would appear to feature the most hated (white) man in football at quarterback, and a coach whom you yourself accuse of being either a child molester or a sexual harasser. Have you stocked up on liquor for the winter? I fear it may be a long season for you.
September 3rd, 2009 at 8:27 am
He looks like Pete Seegar. And considering Seegar is 1,000 years old, that’s not a good thing.
Bad for picking up chicks.
September 3rd, 2009 at 8:43 am
I’m sad because he doesn’t look like Mr. Noodle any more.
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_0BEbMTrc3UQ/SX8nDE2CQ5I/AAAAAAAAHGI/UqA6zji9r2w/s400/!2.jpg
September 3rd, 2009 at 9:05 am
@SAGReiss — Check the author tag, smart guy.
September 3rd, 2009 at 9:12 am
CC that is one of my favorite part of reading the comments…seeing who actually reads the posts in their entirety. Or not.
September 3rd, 2009 at 9:14 am
I stand corrected. Still, if I were Drew, I’d get ready for a long year.
September 3rd, 2009 at 9:33 am
Gerald McRaney???? Seriously????? Try Dennis Rader, the BTK killer after a few more years in jail. If this guy wasn’t coaching the most overrated team in the NFL this side of Miami, he’d be passing out Animal Control violation tickets, rounding up stray dogs and raping your grandmother.
September 3rd, 2009 at 9:40 am
I heard that growing the facial hair was part of his courtship with Favre. I just think he looks more like Tony Kornheiser now.
September 3rd, 2009 at 9:47 am
Watership Down > The Scarlett Letter – Just throwing it out there.
September 3rd, 2009 at 9:52 am
the bottom picture makes him look an awful lot like professor plum.
September 3rd, 2009 at 9:54 am
(stands on desk)
Oh captain, my captain.
September 3rd, 2009 at 9:54 am
Sad thing is that he looks like my father-in-law, but unlike my father-in-law, he knows what a first down is.
September 3rd, 2009 at 9:57 am
Anybody wanna go buy some meth out of a Winnebago? No? Me neither.
September 3rd, 2009 at 9:59 am
Hey. I liked The Scarlet Letter.
September 3rd, 2009 at 10:10 am
Dead Poets Society reference FTW
September 3rd, 2009 at 10:11 am
I was shocked to see Caveman doing this one. I was sure this would be a continuation on Drew’s Viking anger explosion. Nonetheless, el Capitan succeeds again.
September 3rd, 2009 at 10:11 am
He just wants to look more like BrittFar … Look-at-em, he’s like a kid out there
// I just threwup a little in my mouth … true story!
September 3rd, 2009 at 10:23 am
To be serious for 0.5 seconds here. The Land Baron is more likely to give the Vikes better production than Sage or Jackson. FO had him as a top 5 QB 2 years ago in GB, but last year he was 22nd or 23rd. I.e. he was slightly better than Jackson. If that’s the Favre you’re getting, then yeah Jackson is probably the better choice, but if you get even half of what he was in ‘07 this makes the Vikes better.
Say all you want about him being a complete tool (and he is. NO ONE DENIES THIS!), but he is a future HOFer and has the potential to play second fiddle to Purple Jesus.
September 3rd, 2009 at 10:34 am
I always thought Childress looked more like Frank Oz in Trading Places.
September 3rd, 2009 at 10:36 am
Excellent. I think this is just the thing the Vikings need to put them in the Superbowl.
September 3rd, 2009 at 10:41 am
The hand prints on the last pic were a good touch. It’s like he’s frisking the kids in his classroom, and by frisking I mean having his way with their privates. And the ear piece is so he can listen to the kids in the bathroom? He sure is one smarmy bastard isn’t he?
September 3rd, 2009 at 10:50 am
Or Frank Oz in Blues Brothers, best movie of all time. Or Animal House.
September 3rd, 2009 at 11:13 am
I feel he needs to fully commit to the beard and shave the remaining hair off the sides of his head. Bald with a big ass beard defines clutchiness.
September 3rd, 2009 at 11:20 am
@ UU
Agreed. I used to be able to watch Vikings games with my 2 year old and have him think we were watching Elmo
September 3rd, 2009 at 11:36 am
Tobias Funke. That is all.
September 3rd, 2009 at 11:40 am
That is a sweet rape van. Is it Punte’s?
September 3rd, 2009 at 11:45 am
If I were Drew, I’d get ready for a long year of WIN.
If we’re doing raper van’s, can we get a reference to FilmDrunk?
September 3rd, 2009 at 11:48 am
Last year Childress = Von Kaiser from Mike Tyson’s Punchout (NO ONE DENIES THIS!)
September 3rd, 2009 at 11:54 am
He looks like Harvey, the announcer from Double Dare, who looked like a child molester himself.
September 3rd, 2009 at 11:54 am
Well, he does fuck a whole stadium of Vikings fans almost every week, and some of them are bound to be children, so yeah, I can definitely see him as a kiddie porn type of guy.
Just remember, he learned everything under Andy Reid, so you got that going for you.
September 3rd, 2009 at 11:59 am
2 Things
Has anyone else only had KSK working like part of the time for them? I am getting weird errors
2) Why no Hardkakke? I was so sad not to read it this morning
September 3rd, 2009 at 12:27 pm
CC? A CC English Professor? No, no, that’s far too distinguished. Combined with the Britney Spears style headset he’s definitely going for midwest homosexual … gamecock’n'balls nailed it.
September 3rd, 2009 at 12:51 pm
This year’s Childress in the first picture = John Malkovich as Teddy KGB in “Rounders”
September 3rd, 2009 at 1:02 pm
How did no one notice THIS sooner?
http://farm1.static.flickr.com/56/135163128_f72dd8ddd8.jpg?v=0
September 3rd, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Books = Good… is Rongrasname in that class?
September 3rd, 2009 at 1:12 pm
@quentin – yeah… i keep getting that error message too.
It’s really pissing me off considering I made the decision to stop working until monday earlier this morning.
September 3rd, 2009 at 2:02 pm
If Childress is going to wear that ridiculous earpiece microphone all season, I think Mike Tomlin should get a bluetooth headset.
September 3rd, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Well thats certainly a drastic improvement over this dude last year.
Reminds me of Tobias in Arrested Development
September 3rd, 2009 at 3:43 pm
He also looks a lot like this XBOX avatar:
http://tinurl.us/1effec
September 3rd, 2009 at 4:37 pm
The new pic makes him look like a hat-less Captain Keith of the Wizard (Deadliest Catch)
September 3rd, 2009 at 4:46 pm
dude looks like tony kornheiser now.
how can that possibly be an upgrade? y’know, aside from if he and TK stand face to face and mimic each other’s movements lovingly like some homo-erotic mirror based in nonsensical football faux-knowledge.
September 3rd, 2009 at 10:06 pm
Forget the facial hair. That headset makes him look like he is getting ready for his next job working the drive thru at McDonalds once the land baron destroys another team.