The Unblockable Jeff Feagles. The Unavoidable Video Boards. WHO YA GOT?
In case one of you non-stadium-owning proles has been permitted to forget, this Sunday night marks the first game of consequence in Cowboys Colossatorium of TIXAS-sized BigBigness, appropriately against the Giants (WHO ARE THEMSELVES DWARFED BY ITS ENORMITY). Even though the game features two bitter division rivals presently sitting at 1-0, we all know the real drama will be whether one of the punters clangs one off the huge obstructing video boards, causing them to crash into the Earth and kick up enough dust to blot out the sun. Or maybe just result in an odious do-over. But, wait, there’s even more external drama! The game is maybe possibly blacked out! But that’s okay because the Twittering legion of millions will keep you up to date on all goings on, at least until they’re crushed by the video board! Why must this be so complicated when we just want to see Jerry Jones humiliated? Anyway, WHO YA GOT?
Cowboys Stadium video boards__________________Jeff Feagles
Why is it noteworthy?
THAT THAR TEEVEE SHORE IS PLUM BIGGER THAN ALL-UH CREATION_________Never had a punt blocked
Has he ever had a punt blocked?
It can block punts____________________Just said I never had a punt blocked
Really?
Dunno. Ask him_____________________Uh, you heard me! No blocked punts! No way, no how!
What about the block in the preseason against the Panthers?
Yeah, what about that?________________________DOESN’T COUNT! IT’S THE GODDAMN PRESEASON!
Oh yeah, only the preseason. Sure thing, pal. [Dismissive jerking motion]
Hahahaha [Yes, the giant video board laughed]_________PISS OFF! NOT THE SAME! NOT THE SAME!
Compromising drawbacks
Possibly interrupting flow of the game_____________Denies blocked punt, causes tardwit Giants fans to wonder aloud if he’ll make it to the HOF, even though he’s a f-cking punter and no one cares
Do They Expect Monkey Punter?
NO! NO ONE EVER EXPECTS MONKEY PUNTER! Because he’s Chinese, and therefore sneaky. HE’LL BOOT A BALL CLEAR THROUGH YOUR GIANT VIDEO SCREENS LIKE IT DON’T MEAN NOTHING! THEN BUY UP YOUR COUNTRY’S DEBT!
Finishing move
SUSAN SKAGGS SEX TAPE! YEEEEEE HAWWWW! HOTNESS ON THE BIG SCREEN____Not. Getting. Blocked.
UPDATE: A canny reader, who, unlike me, checks into jokes Maj makes, points out Feagles has actually had 12 punts blocked in his career. Ouf. There goes this post’s premise. Avenge me, Monkey Punter!
This week, we’re holding the third annual KSK Kares Kharity Drive to support Matt Ufford’s participation in Fight Gone Bad, which raises money for the Wounded Warrior Project and Athletes for a Cure. Please donate at Ufford’s fundraising page.
Tags: dallas cowboys, hey Chris Gardocki never had a punt blocked either, new york giants, who ya got?, xmas ape
September 18th, 2009 at 8:13 am
Sure, but did Chris Gardocki ever don some spiffy red headgear? Shit no.
September 18th, 2009 at 8:54 am
Chinese Monkey Punter will kick Double J’s ass.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:01 am
They can’t sell out the stadium for the opening friggin’ game? Maybe, just maybe, the Double J priced the tickets too high.
But I’d like to see someone try to convince him of that. YEEHAW, I FUCKING NEVER MAKE A MISTAKE!!!
September 18th, 2009 at 9:13 am
Every single opposing punter is going to blast his first punt off the screen, just to make a point. Mat McBriar, one of the best punters in the league (I’m told, I don’t really respect punters), will never hit it once. Weird.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:17 am
I like that the headline to the ‘possibly blacked out’ link reads, “Cowboys Officials Have No Doubt Game Will Be On TV.”
Heckuva job, Brownie!
September 18th, 2009 at 9:34 am
I’m sure this point has been beaten into the ground already, but do-overs in the NFL? Really? By the time I got to High School, we were trying to figure out ways to get rid of do-overs in our pickup games on the street. That’s how fucking bush league they are. Having them in the NFL is just pathetic.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:39 am
But if there’s a do-ever, we get free beans!
September 18th, 2009 at 9:39 am
You know who also has never had a punt blocked? HUNTER FUCKING SMITH.
And he leads the Redskins in touchdowns!
September 18th, 2009 at 9:42 am
Now I know you’re saying that you looked that up and that’s wrong. But nobody in Washington D.C. believes that.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:52 am
Only active player in the league that also appeared in Tecmo Superbowl
September 18th, 2009 at 9:55 am
That monkey is going to pay.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:55 am
I still don’t understand why people would pay good money to go to a stadium to watch the game on a TV, giant or not. For the price of a ticket you could probably buy your own fricken HDTV.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:57 am
The monkey is Japanese, and he’s playing rugby.
Can’t you illiterates read kana?
September 18th, 2009 at 9:57 am
I should say price of a *good* ticket.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:59 am
The monkey is Japanese, and he’s playing rugby.
Just because the writing is Japanese doesn’t mean he is! RACIST
September 18th, 2009 at 10:05 am
…is there any reason somebody pretending me would…what is going on here? Am I in the Twilight Zone?
September 18th, 2009 at 10:37 am
As an aside, does anyone have the link to the ” suicide ” pool ?
September 18th, 2009 at 10:40 am
Jay, that’s happened on this website before. It’s a common spammer tactic.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:43 am
Jeff Feagles is the best fuckin’ puntah of awl fuckin’ time! Noone denies this!
September 18th, 2009 at 10:53 am
This wasn’t very sexy.
FIX YO FRIDAY POSTING!
September 18th, 2009 at 10:58 am
Who is Susan Skaggs?
September 18th, 2009 at 11:06 am
LEAVE THE VIDEO BOARDS ALONE!!!111!1 WHAT HAVE THEY EVAR DONE TO YOU!!11!
I’m going to block a Jeff Feagles punt on Sunday…with my CAWK.
/Everything is bigger in TIXAS
September 18th, 2009 at 11:46 am
What is to stop an opposing team’s punter from acting like a total dick and kicking that monitor like 10 times in a row? I would do it. But then again, I could do a lot of things if I had the money.
September 18th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
Maybe they can air Feagles’ new sitcom on the giant screen: http://pyleoflist.com/2009/09/network-previewnfl-stars-due-for-a-tv-shows-when-they-retire/
September 18th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
http://www.nfl.com/players/jefffeagles/profile?id=FEA207645
Jeff Feagles has had 12 punts blocked.
September 18th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
I blame Maj for saying that he hadn’t in the NFC East prekkake
September 18th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
CRAP, I mixed him up with Gardocki (again).
/blames…Hitler?
September 18th, 2009 at 10:35 pm
Is Gardocki even still playing? I was sure he was out of the league by now.
September 19th, 2009 at 12:46 am
This wouldn’t have been an issue if we’d had some Gardocki Prekkake.
/honestly, expected Monkey Punter