THE UNABRIGED SEXTOWN DIARIES
HI LEGAL COUNSEL FOR CRAZY COWBOY LADY
YOU SAID YOU IS WANTING LIST OF LIFETIME PORKING PARTNERS THAT THE BEN HAS EVER DONE THE WHOOPIE TO
…
OKAY
…
HERE IS THE MANIFEST FOR THE EXPRESS TRAIN TO SEXTOWN
HIGH SCHOOL SWEETIE (THIS ONE TENDER)
PLUMBER LADY
PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL (DOMINOES)
MIAMI OF OHIO SKANK 1
MIAMI OF OHIO SKANK 2
MIAMI OF OHIO SKANKS 3-14 AT SAME TIME
GEEK SQUAD CHICK WITH LIP STUD
CENSUS TAKER
MAIL LADY
LADY IN EL CAMINO BEHIND CHILI’S
PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL (PAPA JOHNS)
COWHER DAUGHTER
OTHER COWHER DAUGHTER
COWHER DAUGHTER WITH BIG CHIN AND MUSTACHE
WINDSHIELD
NURSE LADY WITH THING FOR GUYS WITH NO FACE
KICKER MAN
MISSY SHE HAS PRETTY HAIR
NATALIE GULBIS
PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL (STRIPPER DRESSED AS PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL)
STOLEN NATALIE GULBIS UNDIEPANTS
JUSTIN HARTWIG’S GIRLFRIEND (IN DA BUTT)
CRAZY COWBOY LADY WHO DOUBLES AS TV REPAIRLADY
SHAQ
Tags: ben rongrastname, OMG AGGRANDIZING THE STILLERS, xmas ape
September 10th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
THE BEN HAS MADE MANY OF THE LADIES PEW-PEW-PEW!!!
September 10th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Windshield wins.
September 10th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
awesome
September 10th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
I am going to get in office cubicle trouble for HARF HARF HARF. MY SIDES HURTY FROM LAUGHY. THANKS APEMAN.
September 10th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
When I saw the title and the picture, I bacame giddy with excitement.
“GEEK SQUAD CHICK WITH LIP STUD”
Oh, I’ve been there man.
September 10th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
I guess headset sex with [SEX]B00BFRAGGER69 during Call of Duty 4 doesn’t count?
September 10th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
and yet the big lummox still wins forever on the NATALIE GULBIS entry.
September 10th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
He can tell you another reason they call him “fast” willie parker. but how could he resist this: http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/willie-parker.jpg
September 10th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
COWHER DAUGHTER WITH BIG CHIN AND MUSTACHE
I am disturbed by this image. Laughing just the same but…yeah.
September 10th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Kordell
September 10th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
@ Zero: +1 for B00BFRAGGER69.
September 10th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
I have to assume Ben was catching Shaq.
September 10th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Rex Grossman laughs at this supposed list. The Sex Cannon’s pulled more tail than this while chilling in Free Agency.
September 10th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Stolen Natalie Gulbis Undiepants FTW.
September 10th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
I like the part where Ben made gun fingaz with his penis parts.
September 10th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
I actually am friends with a chick who has knocked boots with Ben Roethlisberger… I sent her this link with the subject line: Which one are you?
Needless to say we will not be friends for much longer.
September 10th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
It’s better than the other Football related manifest I read lately..
September 10th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
The amazing thing is, this might not even be the best story of purported sexual scandal in the NFL today, not when you consider some of the details coming out about the Rapesaurus-Tequila fiasco:
“The sources told Vara that witnesses at Merriman’s home said the three-time Pro Bowl linebacker went to his bedroom with two women. Sources said Tequila walked into the room and Merriman asked her to join them. However, the sources said Tequila reacted angrily and threatened to have sex with a member of Merriman’s entourage. According to sources, Tequila was intoxicated, and she got naked and attempted to leave the house… Vara asked Merriman to clarify his relationship with Tequila, and he immediately contacted his attorney. “I don’t know if … let me text my lawyer real quick,” he said.”
/ wants to find some way to coerce Ape into walking around in a Merriman Terps jersey
// Ape + Merriman Terps jersey would increase book sales. It’s true!
September 10th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
It’s better than the other Football related manifest I read lately..
What football manifest was that? Did you see a shipping list from the Ravens equipment manager?
September 10th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
“IN DA BUTT”
Heard immediately after copulation
HARF HARF THAT’S GOOG BUTTSECKS!!!
September 10th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
* GOOD. THE BEN MAKES TYPE MISTAKES CAUSE HE HAVE BIGGER FINGERS THAN BRAIN BONES
September 10th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
It’s better than the other Football related manifest I read lately..
An awkwardly phrased zinger AND a needlessly capitalized word?
COLOR ME INSULTED!
September 10th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Besides, the joke’s on you, pal. You already read his book! HA-HA!
September 10th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
miamidiesel:
I’ll do something with Rapesaurus soon. I have a feeling more wondrous details are to come from that shitstorm.
It’s also a goal of mine to tell someone “let me text my lawyer real quick.”
September 10th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Between windshield and kicker man, I’ve just been asked to take a random test to find out what I’m on. Thanks Ape.
September 10th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Worth a shot. All kidding aside, great book.
September 10th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Holy shit, you guys are killing it today!!! Nothing witty or funny to say, but just need to bow down to the greatness you are delivering. Keep up the good work.
September 10th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
As usual it’s all about the ‘o’.
September 10th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Well, that made my afternoon. Thank you for the laughs.
/waiting for still-disgruntled Seahawks fan to suggest that Ben sucked off the referees prior to Super Bowl XL
September 10th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Any chance that Ben had sex with the windshield because he saw his reflection and thought he was fucking himself?
September 10th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
As a Miami of Ohio grad – I can say that MIAMI OF OHIO SKANKS 6-11 were pretty damn hot…
September 10th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
MANIFEST FOR THE EXPRESS TRAIN TO SEXTOWN and not one mention of a Choco-Taco?
September 10th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
EVERY Cowher family member has a gigantic chin and manly-ass mustache.
September 10th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
What, no Santonio Holmes?
September 10th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
Don’t tell me Ben pulled in all that pussy with his velcro wallet.
September 10th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
you forgot fat steelers chick
September 10th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
Yeah, so, my boss who is a self-proclaimed Steelers fan*, just asked whose playing tonight.
*”Because they were really good in the 70s when I was a kid”.
September 10th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
Plus one to Upstate Underdog…
I was gonna throw in a Choco Taco factory worker, and probably a Black/Korean mail order bride.
Also you forgot the Pro Bowl hawaii lei giver outter. Theres a great picture of him with one of those somewhere.
September 10th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Anybody else curious when the boning of crazylady occurred in relation to the QB-pow-wow with Peter King?
I’m imagining Ben having to reach over to the table for his phone whilst hittin’ it, only to see the text, “Ben, are you coming down? They only gave us 2 pots of coffee flavored water and its almost gone. The organized boycott has begun, and Romo and Palmer are in, but Ryan and Rodgers vote no. We need you for the tiebreak!”
KING SAYS HAVE TO GO BYEBYE, TV FIXER LADY
“Ben, you can at least finish…”
KING SAYS GO! BEN NO WANT GET THROWN IN DUNGEON!
Yes, this whole thing is Peter King’s fault.
September 10th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
Or I got my years messed up….
DOH!
September 10th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
Needs a lot more Miami of Ohio skanks. Lets face it, he was probably doing probably 14 a night every night his senior year alone.
September 10th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
you left out the threesome with Chuck Batch and his wife
September 10th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
MIAMI OF OHIO SKANKS 3-14 AT SAME TIME
I fucking HATE you, Ben!
/jealous.
//cries.
September 10th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Little piece of irony found in NFL Networks “America’s Game: 2008 Steelers”. About 56 mins in at the end, some says to Santonio Holmes, “Ay Tone, let me touch that sticky man!”. You know, Holmes and his weed
September 10th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
So chocotacos don’t count?
September 10th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
You forgot to put the whole Oklahoma Women’s Basketball team(minus his sister of course) well maybe not.
September 10th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
HAY COACH TOMLIN I CAN HAS BORROW YOUR PUFFY JACKET SO I CAN GO GET MOAR PUSSY TONITE THANKS. YOU KNOW PUFFY JACKET MAKES THE LADIES PEW PEW PEW THANKS
September 11th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
YES! THE BEN DO STILL GET SOME HEAT FOR LOVE PASSION! BUT THE BEN NO LIKE RE-LATION SHIPS, THOSE MAKE THE BEN SEE-ICK! HARF HARF HARF…
BEN KILLS THE BEN. I FUNNSIESTESS FELLER I KNOWS….