The Last KSK Kommenter Draft: Celebrity/Historic Figure You’d Like To See Enter The Porn Business

It’s our last draft of the offseason. That’s right. Next week, the Maj takes over this slot with his weekly gambling column. So, allow me to take this moment to congratulate you, the reader. It’s all but over. You’ve made through another tedious, horrible offseason. And you didn’t kill yourself or stop doing drugs. Good on you. Thanks the Lord Jesus the NFL has just about arrived.

Now, to the draft.

I’ve always hated celebrity sex tapes. They’re poorly shot. Poorly lit. You don’t really see enough of the things you were hoping to see. Has there ever been a celebrity sex tape or Playboy spread that hasn’t disappointed you? Of course not. This is because celebrities are assholes. They want all the notoriety of having a sex tape, without having to commit to giving you, the masturbator at home, a pleasurable viewing experience. It’s an inherently selfish act, ego masturbation of the very worst kind. THIS IS BULLSHIT, I WANNA SEE BUSH. PAN DOWN.

One day, some celebrity is going to wise up and do a sex tape right. Someone like Kate Walsh will realize the value of hiring Andrew Blake, paying a DP, building a themed set for fucking (ancient Egypt?), putting on a gold lamé garter belt, and getting boned on camera the way people truly WANT to see them. None of this half-assed, bad gonzo shit. Imagine if someone really famous told the world, “Look, I’ve made a sex tape. It’s the only one I’ll ever make, it’s really fucking hot, and I hope you enjoy it.” Would that person be a hero to all? They would. It’s not even a question. Alas.

Anyway, your job today is to pick a famous person you’d like to see enter the porn biz and commit to it fully. High, high, high quality porn. AND you’d get to enjoy the media shitstorm surrounding said career move. Pick one celebrity, living or dead. You get them at the height of their attractiveness. Wait 10 picks, then pick again. Sure, you could pick Megan Fox and have no regrets. But I prefer shock value AND erotic value. So I’m going with Sarah Palin.

No, wait. BRISTOL PALIN.

No, wait. You know what? It’s the last draft. Fuck it. Sarah AND Bristol Palin. Together. Getting their arms broken by Rocco Siffredi. SO WRONG, IT’S RIGHT.

UPDATE: God dammit, YOU do not get to co-star with them. No one wants to see your fat ass on camera.