The Last KSK Kommenter Draft: Celebrity/Historic Figure You’d Like To See Enter The Porn Business
09.04.09
It’s our last draft of the offseason. That’s right. Next week, the Maj takes over this slot with his weekly gambling column. So, allow me to take this moment to congratulate you, the reader. It’s all but over. You’ve made through another tedious, horrible offseason. And you didn’t kill yourself or stop doing drugs. Good on you. Thanks the Lord Jesus the NFL has just about arrived.
Now, to the draft.
I’ve always hated celebrity sex tapes. They’re poorly shot. Poorly lit. You don’t really see enough of the things you were hoping to see. Has there ever been a celebrity sex tape or Playboy spread that hasn’t disappointed you? Of course not. This is because celebrities are assholes. They want all the notoriety of having a sex tape, without having to commit to giving you, the masturbator at home, a pleasurable viewing experience. It’s an inherently selfish act, ego masturbation of the very worst kind. THIS IS BULLSHIT, I WANNA SEE BUSH. PAN DOWN.
One day, some celebrity is going to wise up and do a sex tape right. Someone like Kate Walsh will realize the value of hiring Andrew Blake, paying a DP, building a themed set for fucking (ancient Egypt?), putting on a gold lamé garter belt, and getting boned on camera the way people truly WANT to see them. None of this half-assed, bad gonzo shit. Imagine if someone really famous told the world, “Look, I’ve made a sex tape. It’s the only one I’ll ever make, it’s really fucking hot, and I hope you enjoy it.” Would that person be a hero to all? They would. It’s not even a question. Alas.
Anyway, your job today is to pick a famous person you’d like to see enter the porn biz and commit to it fully. High, high, high quality porn. AND you’d get to enjoy the media shitstorm surrounding said career move. Pick one celebrity, living or dead. You get them at the height of their attractiveness. Wait 10 picks, then pick again. Sure, you could pick Megan Fox and have no regrets. But I prefer shock value AND erotic value. So I’m going with Sarah Palin.
No, wait. BRISTOL PALIN.
No, wait. You know what? It’s the last draft. Fuck it. Sarah AND Bristol Palin. Together. Getting their arms broken by Rocco Siffredi. SO WRONG, IT’S RIGHT.
UPDATE: God dammit, YOU do not get to co-star with them. No one wants to see your fat ass on camera.
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Christie Brinkley in National Lampoons. Kim Bassinger in Wayne’s World
Shock value: Bea Arthur
Kathy Griffin and Lisa Lamanelli on each other.
Caster Semenya.
Selena Spice aka Andrea Rincon
I’m the winner!!
Late to the party steal pick which hasn’t been mentioned.
While on the theme of now grown-up child stars, I submit this pick if legal.
Raven-Symone.
Nancy Grace in a gurgling, assripping gape movie that lasts hours.
Kari Wuhrer
Yet another victim for Wesley Pipes and Shane Diesel
Thora Birch
Spin around on me like a record.
Kristen Chenowith
Hit those high notes for Daddy.
Keep hitting the enter key … MULTIPLE ORGASM!!
I just Control F’d “ctrl f”! Orgasmic!! Mind blowingly orgasmic!!! Really, you ought to try it. Just press and hold the ctrl key then hit the f key and a magic little box pops up!!! NO I’M NOT SHITTIN’!! Type your unoriginal draft pick in the magic box and hit enter…ORGASM!!!
Maria Sharapova was mentioned, but nobody’s taken her, so I will with my last pick.
Come on guys…. how you gonna sleep on Milla Jovovich from Resident Evil. And how about Nikki Cox in her prime on Las Vegas? Redhead, big tits, phat crazy ass…. sheee-itttttttttttt.
Lauren Conrad, oh, like you wouldn’t
Pope Benedict II
Beat you to it Gary
Gotta say, that Katie Couric is still around is mighty impressive.
Dakota Fanning.
Rita Fuckin’ Hayworth makes it to day 2? Done and done.
Final draft, have to make at least one pick … Lacey Chabert (preferably now, not Party Of Five-age). Her career has to be suffering, she might be desperate enough.
Lady Gaga — We’ll finally know if she’s a hermaphrodite or not.
And for the pick I’d actually LIKE to see, I’ll take Miki Berenyi, circa 1993. Anyone who remembers Lush knows what I’m talkin about. If Emma wanted to join in, far be it from me to tell her no.
Gonna tack one more on here…
Them two conjoined twin chicks. Abigail and Brittany Hensel.. Just do an image search. Amazing possibilities
Ginnifer Goodwin….
I might need a minute.
Abigail Adams.
seriously?
Vida Guerra
Angie Dickinson
Total steal
man, my first two desires, Giada of Food Network, and Helen Keller were taken by the wise.
I got nothing but scraps left.
Gimme Dakota Fanning. Im sure it will have some creepy shit in it to keep it interesting. Shes legal now? Right? Right?
because beauty and historical perspective are in the eyes of the beholder:
1. ann-margret
2. catherine deneuve
3. tiffani amber thiessen
4. eleanor of acquitaine (wife of henry ii, most beautiful woman in christendom, and an absolute wildcat in the sack – especially if her 8 kids are any indication)
5. ava gardner (if she was good enough for sinatra, she’d be more than sufficient unto this cause)
i’ll return to my hyperkinetic fantasy life and leave y’all to your wikipedia searches.
Buddha. Destroying a religion of asceticism with a hard sweaty threesome with 2 khmer “cherry girls”…yes.
Tyra Banks, circa that sports illustrated cover. And it helps that we all know that she’s batshit insane now.
Irene Ryan.
http://www.librarising.com/astrology/celebs/images2/GHI/ireneryan3.jpg
Guess I’ll start drinking heavily now.
Tara Reid is still available?
Yoink.
Raquel Welch in her fur bikini. Late round victory. And to help with the depth chart, Grace Kelly.
Look them up, youngsters.
Vivian Leigh from her Gone with the Wind days. Alice Kramden would’ve been 2nd.
/older woman fetish
//showing self out
Jan Smithers from the old WKRP in Cincinnati
Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman, circa 1976.
Christ, she fell this far? And you guys call yourself nerds.
Anne Frank
I guess this far down I can pick up Vanessa Hudgens off waivers, which is quite a steal.
I’ll take Linnea Quigley (B-Movie hardbody from Return of the Living Dead). She’s a professional screamer, you know she’d be good.
Having seen Bandslam yesterday, I have to go with Aly Michala.
Alessandra Ambrosio ftw
Oh and whoever found that Jenna Fischer pick. omg. +1000000. The Wes Welkah of hotties imo. NO ONE DENIES THIS!
The Virgin Mary
Catherine Bell in her JAG days. Military Hotties in No Boys Aloud.
Ana Marie Cox
/steal
Let’s have an original cast reunion of 90120…. IN BED.
Setting: “Oh no! They’re going to tear down the Peach Pit! I know! Let’s have a-
(Zack Morris crashes through the wall on a motorcylce) “Bikini Car Wash!!”
Cut to: a bikini car wash (gone horribly horribly right.)
NO, aXXXe Wounds 5
Lizzie Borden: Axe Wounds 5
Thrilled to death that I’m getting Chan Marshall.
Eva Braun and a Rabbi for my final pick. Why? Shit, I could go back in time and show the tape to Hitler and just make him go absolutely apeshit on himself and everyone within a 20 mile radius.
/epic win
Mary Louise Parker
For this late-round steal, I’m going to go have a celebratory monkey spanking. Toodles!
Since Anne Coulter is off the board, I’ll pick Laura Ingraham. The tape would be OK, but the fallout would be spectacular, especially after people find out she screams passages from “Mein Kampf” while she’s getting railed.
Damn, all the good ones have been taken…
Dana Perino.
…..
The Brenda Warner’s one made me realize that an Awesome and Epic porn film would be had if it included Eli Manning’s wife.
The brothers would be off to the side, with Peyton giving Eli the play by play and trying to visually show him what he needs to do to his wife. Eli would just be crying and/or drooling.
I think the last scene to cap it would involve Plaxico giving it to her in the butt, with coughlin at the other end.
Another glasses wearer…
Tina Fey
Doris Burke and Dana Jacobson getting Sapphic in ESPN’s fitness center.
@Stonecutter….thanks much!
@ClickClickThud….11? You figuring Oliver in the mix too?
+1 for Rikadyn, Kari Byron is an EXCELLENT pick
Ukrainian PM Yulia Tymoshenko. She’s got a sexy Nordic thing going, she wears knee-high leather fuck-me boots with her skirts (a la Sarah Palin) and then there are those signature golden braids. Da!
http://jimcofer.com/personal/?p=1743
Rufus T. Firefly says: Jennifer Aniston
Dude, Lumberg fckd her
Nicole Brown Simpson…beat that.
Nancy Pelosi needs it.
@ Ender: Hilary Scott does a great Marcia Brady. Look into it.
Going the Olympics route: Kristi Yamaguchi
OK, since “the Brady Bunch” including Sam and Alice is eleven picks, I’ll go ahead and make my next two:
1. Tim Tebow’s busty girlfriend
2. Matt Stafford’s busty blond friend in the pink bikini
The entire cast of the Brady Brunch in a strange and incestuous orgy. Even Alice and Sam get in on the action.
OK, if we’re keeping with shock and erotic value – I’m going for the absolute win:
Gloria Allred. Not only a fine piece of ass, but first amendment rights advocate for the eventual shitstorm? Vaya con dios, suckas.
Imagine how outraged Stokke’s family will be.
Since most of youse seem to have misread UMs pointers about the true spirit of this draft, and have gone instead for the easy hottie picks, I think I have the ABSOLUTE STEAL here, especially when you see how far she’s fallen:
Brenda Warner.
Yup, I envision a “My Wife’s A Whore” scenario, where Kurt sits sheepishly in the corner while Bren is airtight’d by 3 Mandingoes. Her new Ann Coulter-ish blonde look works, but it’s even better if you choose her earlier “salt and pepper” quasi-buzzcut. Bonus points if Kurt actually weeps a little while she’s giving him the play-by-play…
/gets harder than Chinese algebra
//projectile vomits
I’d like to see a girl-on-girl scene with Jill Wagner and the Double Bubble chick from the Rosetta Stone commercials.
No one’s taken Allison Stokke? I win.
Willford: ShawneyJ is full of win… and if you get your way, full of the semen of several dozen black men.
Sally Field circa Smokey and the Bandit
Emmanuelle Chirqui.
Fuck. And. YES.
Jackie Kennedy Onassis
Mary Daly. She would hate fuck and then bite the head off the man like a Praying Mantis. Or maybe she would just do a lesbo circle pussy squirt with powerful women.
Jamie Leigh Curtic circa True Lies
Shannon Doherty – that dirty little whore should be doing porn about now anyway
Kari Byron