The Difference Between Jay Cutler and Tom Brady? One Sulks, the Other is a Budding Fashion Icon
In what may be the most hilarious serious question of the young season, a headline in today’s Chicago Tribune asked, Is Jay Cutler the second coming of Tom Brady? Please enjoy:
The surprising thing has been Cutler’s ability to make the delicate pass. No one told us a cannon could dispense velvet projectiles. He has been so precise at times you get the feeling he could throw a football through a moving mail slot.
Ladies and gentlemen, may I present… THE VELVET CANNON.
What a revelation! A quarterback who embarrassed himself with four interceptions in the team’s opener has capably executed a conservative game plan in two consecutive games to barely register victories. HE IS PRACTICALLY THE SAME PERSON AS TOM BRADY — if only Tom Brady were an artillery piece that fired rounds covered in the fur of golden retriever puppies, that is.
Tags: cutlerfucker, dreamboat, The Velvet Cannon
September 30th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
Well great, now I’m aroused.
September 30th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
that’s not cutler. he’s not sulking.
September 30th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
My cock has already trademarked the term “velvet cannon.” You’ll be hearing from my cock’s lawyer: my cock. (He represents himself.)
September 30th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
Yeah, Cutlerfucker barely outplaying Seneca Wallace certainly showed me how similar he is to Tom Brady. Next stop, 3 Super Bowl wins!!!
September 30th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
Holy shit, I can’t tell them apart.
September 30th, 2009 at 6:16 pm
sooo, does the velvet cannon shoot insulin or what?
September 30th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
Jay Cutler needs to wear those oversized sunglasses to hide his tear stained red eyes.
September 30th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
As a Chicago Bears fan, I am embarrassed. I do however think that the “Velvet Cannon” undergarments would fly off the shelves. It works for men and women!…sort of….if you don’t think about it too much.
September 30th, 2009 at 6:21 pm
When do we see the Sex Cannon come and jizz all over the Velvet Cannon in a horrible misunderstanding of the word velvet?
/misses Rex horribly
September 30th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
Orange velvet defines class.
September 30th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
//in ‘good’ Eddie Murphy voice
“Hi, I’m Velvet Cannon, read my book, ‘How To Be a Sulkface’”
September 30th, 2009 at 6:24 pm
That is NOT Mel Tormé!
September 30th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
why the hell does the chicago media continue to ruin everything ever? thanks, jackasses. I’d ask which shitty sportswriter wrote this, but other than Paul Sullivan and Bruce Miles, they’re ALL shitty. fuck all of those other assholes.
September 30th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
That one line destroyed my ability to work this morning. Thanks for nothing, King Laserface twitterfeed.
September 30th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
Oh, Rick Morrisey. Somehow, I’m not suprised. Saddened, but not suprised. How did he and Jay Mariotti get jobs?
September 30th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
This is Rick Morrissey. If you take him seriously, you have no one but yourself to blame. Here’s the headline and intro to his column about Cutler from just two weeks ago:
*Someone must tell Jay Cutler to wise up*
*Bears quarterback needs dose of reality, to say nothing of maturity*
Who is going to tell him?
By that I mean, who is going to tell him? Who is going to get in Jay Cutler’s face and inform him the Green Bay debacle was ridiculous?
The four interceptions in Sunday’s opener were a career high, but the poor decision-making and the recklessness were nothing new. He did that periodically with the Broncos. It’s up to someone in the Bears’ organization to tell him that being blessed physically is not a license to throw risky passes over and over again.
http://www.chicagotribune.com/sports/football/bears/chi-16-morrissey-bears-jay-cutler-sep16,0,5153439.column
—————————
Mind you, that was 14 days ago. 14 to go from “the poor decision-making and the recklessness were nothing new” to “next Tom Brady?” So if the “Velvet Cannon” thing doesn’t fit, just wait till next week.
September 30th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
Are we sure that’s not Jim McMahon? Only thing is McMahon would never have been caught dead in a gay-ass cardigan like that….even in 1986.
September 30th, 2009 at 6:38 pm
Can we at least wait for him to maybe win in December before we compare him to a three-time Super Bowl winner?
/fuck Chicago
September 30th, 2009 at 6:49 pm
That picture makes Cutler look like a preppy jock bad guy from a John Hughes movie- except Cutler acts like the sullen douche who’s always the good guy in Hughes flicks. So is Cutler more of a James Spader or an Andrew McCarthy?
September 30th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
I know this has already been alluded to – but the Velvet Cannon sounds sorta pron-star-ish. Sooo many BAD writers: King (stupid and boring), Simmons (lazy), ESPN’s stable of black writers (Jemelle Hill, holy poop), ESPN’s stable of white writers (Heather Dinich (ACC college football)….
September 30th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
Yes. Maybe. (upgraded to a Yes if that frown turns upside down).
/no homo
//actually quite homo
September 30th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
@ Dancing Baptist
Does LZ Granderson still write on Page 2? He actually seems to write different stuff.
September 30th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
THAT is how desperate Chicago was for a decent QB. After 3 weeks, a guy with a 86.2 rating is compared with one that has won 3 Super Bowls.
/FML
September 30th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
A Mr./(Ms.?) Cannon from Columbia Missouri who attended West Carteret H.S. in NC would like a word with you
http://www.legeros.com/wchs/
Never before has a google image search of “Velvet Cannon” (#4) brought such a disappointment followed by such joy… here’s looking at you “Guy Stetson”
Seriously, was this a high school for porn stars?
September 30th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
@ semper_ubi_sub_ubi
qui, quae, quod, cuius, cuius, cuius…
September 30th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
@ Gino Tourettsa
I got an e-mail from my old Latin prof. Two first year students used the translator that they could link to off facebook for their Latin translations (”It didn’t say ‘how’ we could translate”). Words like ‘They’ and ‘ought’ remained in English – not to mention that the English made no sense. It was only from ch. 2 of Wheelock as well.
September 30th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
Computer translators didn’t exist when I took Latin. I honed my Latin skills at the National Grammar in Canada. Also, the masculine plural of “Dorkus Malorcus” is “Dorki Malorci”.
September 30th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
Was it powered by beavers?
September 30th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
thats just about as great a pair of pictures together as you can get. Brady in sulk mode, Cutler looking all fly as heck…
The Velvet Cannon. Something tells me you’ll be receiving a call from Huggy Bear.
September 30th, 2009 at 8:58 pm
Wow, a WWSM sighting. Where the fuck you been hiding the last six months?
September 30th, 2009 at 9:29 pm
looks like the velvet cannon is related to a douche cannon.
http://keepittrill.com/media/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/scott-storch-arrested.jpg
September 30th, 2009 at 9:46 pm
that’s just hideous
September 30th, 2009 at 10:36 pm
I’ll take that over neckbeard or sexy rexy anyday… I don’t give two fucks what the guy does, wears or says. He just need to win games.
September 30th, 2009 at 10:48 pm
@Gino Tourettsa: +1,000,000 for the “Top Secret” reference.
Jay is a better QB than el Cannon de Sex, but Rex makes for much better entertainment. Is it wrong for me to hope for a Schaub injury, just to see Rex’s kharacter make another appearance within these hallowed pages?
September 30th, 2009 at 11:02 pm
Chicago sportswriting is in a sorry state. Biggs at the Sun-Times does yeoman’s work, and Pompei at the Trib actually breaks down film (!), but the rest are useless.
October 1st, 2009 at 12:41 am
Hey Gino: We probably went to school together. And for the record, I always wear underwear. Colon issues.
“Velvet Cannon” has legs.
Legs, I tell you.
October 1st, 2009 at 5:27 am
He went with Velvet Cannon because Velour Howitzer was taken long ago by Quincy Carter.
/misses Quincy
October 1st, 2009 at 7:41 am
The Suckster only wishes he was a cool as Tom Brady
October 1st, 2009 at 9:51 am
Velvet Cannon so smooth he’ll be wearing pink this week:
http://blogs.suntimes.com/bears/2009/09/more_than_a_fashion_statement.html
October 1st, 2009 at 1:13 pm
@ Gross Rexman
I really do want Rex to see some playing time this year as well. I can see it now…
/Steve Slaton open in the flat…WIDE OPEN…
/But fuck it Andre Johnson is down field it triple coverage…
/Cumslinger unleashes the dragon 60 yards down field right in to the hands of the opposing team…
/Rexy walks off the field with his head down.
/Rexy finishes the game 5/31 for 74 yards 1TD and 5INT…A great outing in my opinion.
October 1st, 2009 at 1:53 pm
“…but other than Paul Sullivan.”
Having read the alcoholic Sully’s inane prattlings for years at this point, I’d have to strenuously disagree regarding his worth as a writer. His reader’s comments columns with his responses will lower your IQ to the level of a fruit fly.
October 1st, 2009 at 2:11 pm
@ Pacman Jones
lets see him win 3 rigs before we knight the bastid!
October 1st, 2009 at 6:05 pm
Rick Morrisey took it upon himself to step up to the plate and fill the void left by Jay Mariotti. Chicago has no shortage of stupid sports writers but Morrisey is in a class all by himself. He hated the Cutler trade, ripped him after week 1, said not to get too excited after week 2, and has annointed Cutler as the second coming after week 3. It’s a shame we can’t send him to a place where his talents may be better appreciated. Somewhere like a volcano or between two fault lines.
October 2nd, 2009 at 11:27 am
The Sub-Heading for that article is
“Chicago Bears would be thrilled if quarterback keeps on that path”
No shit? I figured if we won three super bowls ppl would just be like, “mehhhh.”