The Colts Had the Ball for Under 15 Minutes and Won? GTFO!
Mayhap it has something to do with the Dolphins having a two-minute drill (actually, they started their final drive with 3:17 remaining) that makes Andy Reid salivate for something other than a 20-piece family meal from Popeye’s, plus two Quizno’s footlong mesquite chicken with bacon subs with extra meat, plus one large Trough O’ Lard. It’s that bad.
And it was kind of amusing to watch, this Dolphin failure, if you could block out the forthcoming analyst pant-moistening at Pey-Pey winning DESPITE HIS OFFENSE HAVING THE BALL FEWER THAN 15 MINUTES!
Or, conversely
MANNING
NURSING HOME
FROTTAGE
More wack-wack-wackiness after le jump.
MIAMI MAGE CASTS A SPELL OF MUDDLE ON YOUR HURRY-UP OFFENSE! INFLICTS +6 SLOWNESS UNDER PRESSURE!
This had nothing to do with the game but I found it most enjoyable nonetheless, as I expect you did as well.
Is this a game going against the wrestling broadcasts? Break out the luchador masks!
Submitted for your fapping pleasure.
Submitted for your rhyming edification. Riff Raff and Roadblock bow to your greatness, but not kowtow to this lame mess.
Tags: matron saint, mnf recap, not so bitter pey-pey, wildplayedoutjokes, xmas ape
September 22nd, 2009 at 12:51 am
Well, they’re the fucking Dolphins. It’s not like they were likely to drive for a TD in two minutes even if they hadn’t adopted Norv Turner Clock Management Rules.
I liked Pey-Pey throwing his defense under the bus for giving up multi-hundreds of yards rushing. “How do you deal with not having the ball much?” “Well, I hate to say it, but we’ve been there before.” Oh snap, Freeney, how do you like that? Direct reference to letting MJD rush for 4912 yards on you while you spun off the field.
September 22nd, 2009 at 12:54 am
You know it’s bad when even all the idiots in Texas think the Cowboys don’t even have a flaming chance in hell of winning the SB under Romo’s command. I’m somewhat curious to know what my boss would say since she’s in love with Homo Romo.
/is moderately terrified to go to work tomorrow; the boss is also crazy diehard Cowboys fan straight out of Texas.
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:27 am
Straight Outta Texas, Crazy motherfucker named Romo……
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:36 am
That Dolphins Jester guy is some wacky stuff…how do people come up with this? “Let’s see, going to the Dolphins’ game, let me put on my Dolphins’ logo print robe and Christmas stocking that I happen to have lying around, and combine it with…this skullwand, complete with completely appropriate red and blue coloring, even though my team’s colors are teal and orange! Yes, fantastic, this is perfect! Now I’ll just finish up with three hours worth of face paint!”
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:39 am
I was really hoping for some Double-J/Wade post today
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:47 am
Im convinced that if Teddy Ginn Jr would of gone anywhere besides OSU then he makes the game winning touchdown catch, instead of dropping that pass
September 22nd, 2009 at 2:05 am
Ape, this clip is a prime candidate for the next Peezy piece: http://espn.go.com/blog/afceast/post/_/id/3432/video-joey-porter-unmasked
September 22nd, 2009 at 3:39 am
Sunday night’s debacle + the anti-Romo poll = one hilarious Wade and Jerry post
/crosses fingers
September 22nd, 2009 at 4:36 am
Fappling pleasure girl has some serious banding going on in that image. COPORATE PEEZY SAY RETOUCH THAT SHIT. OR ITS DISRESPECT!!!!!
Retoucher guy probably was whackin to it which explains the lack of visual quality.
September 22nd, 2009 at 6:41 am
Yes Gern, yes!
September 22nd, 2009 at 7:50 am
A replay of every big game in Chad Pennington’s career-AGAIN. Without even looking at the stat sheet, bet he had higher completion % and QB rating than Manning. Big fuckin’ deal. Hard to score when your QB needs to get 6-8 first odwns to sniff the end zone.
September 22nd, 2009 at 8:52 am
Hey Tony, everyone thinks you’re stupid!
September 22nd, 2009 at 8:57 am
Re: your mom. That was a seriously disturbing piece of footage. Did Peezy’s jersey disrespect him before thye shot that? Or was that his club wear. /Brandon Marshalld’
September 22nd, 2009 at 9:06 am
Nobody else noticed the whole “c’mon man” segment devolved into a porn pitch? “Come on too few men”? “Come on too many men”? Methinks the mailbag this week is going to have a bicurious letter signed “Deux deux trois?”
September 22nd, 2009 at 9:21 am
The only thing I like about Miami is the Dexter.
Come to think of it, I really only like the Dexter seasons that were aired on Showtime.
September 22nd, 2009 at 9:38 am
At the risk of going all football geek on you guys, that game demonstrated how far Tony Sparano is in over his head as a game day strategist. I have seen better clock management in Pop Warner games. It also showed what an overrated stat time of possession is – it is number of possessions that matters more.
Anyway, I think that Eva LaRue and Emily Procter are both fine reasons to like Miami, at least as the setting for a cheesy TV crime show…
September 22nd, 2009 at 9:53 am
I’m going to chalk up Suzy’s bad hair night to the muggy conditions. This is national TV, not a PTA meeting you naughty little matron saint.
\No Romo
September 22nd, 2009 at 9:56 am
That Pierre Garçonis one hell of a player, no?
September 22nd, 2009 at 9:57 am
That would be Garçon…
/joke fail
September 22nd, 2009 at 10:00 am
Who else had capicola for breakfast? mmm, ham.
September 22nd, 2009 at 10:01 am
hey, did you guys hear the Dolphins sometimes run the Wildcat? They’re lined up in the Wildcat. This is their 11th play using the Wildcat. They’ve had a lot of success with the Wildcat. The Colts can’t stop the Wildcat. Wildcat. Wildcat. Wildcat. Wildcat.
sorry, after watching last night’s broadcast I turned into Eli Cash.
September 22nd, 2009 at 10:07 am
No mention of Mike Tirico in the post-game? “Well, Garçon is French for waiter, so…[some lame 'check please' joke].”
Garçon means boy, Mike. Everyone who’s seen Pulp Fiction knows that.
September 22nd, 2009 at 10:19 am
Peyton’s fetus-head is all grown up.
September 22nd, 2009 at 10:22 am
Not having the ball for more than 15 minutes is an indictment of both units. The defense that can’t get the other team off the field and the offense (which is supposed to be a superior ball control offense) that can’t stay on it.
September 22nd, 2009 at 10:30 am
When you march the ball down the field 10 yards at a time, this is what happens. Corporate Peezy could not diversify their assets…
September 22nd, 2009 at 10:33 am
Also, still waiting for the next installment of of Dislexy Rexy.
September 22nd, 2009 at 10:39 am
the boss is also crazy diehard Cowboys fan straight out of Texas.
So you work for a steer?
It also showed what an overrated stat time of possession is – it is number of possessions that matters more.
At the risk of going football geek on you, you’re a fucking moron. Unless there’s a defensive or special teams touchdown the two teams are going to have the same number of possessions +/- 1. I think what you were looking for is points since it’s the only thing that fucking matters.
September 22nd, 2009 at 10:42 am
I still say Suzy looks like that scene in Tim Burton’s “Batman” where everyone was afraid to use make-up and hair products because the Joker had poisoned them.
I know that’s disrespecting the Matron Saint, but the truth must be told.
September 22nd, 2009 at 10:46 am
It also showed what an overrated stat time of possession is – it is number of possessions that matters more.
It’s overrated to a degree, but it is still a useful stat. It just needs a context. Think of it this way, if a team has a lead this sort of ball control is devastating. For example, up by three at the beginning of the 4th quarter a team goes on a 7-9 minute touchdown drive. They leave almost no time for the other team to get back two scores.
FO did a good article about this. Running early just to run it is not really that useful to winning, running late with a lead is a very useful thing.
September 22nd, 2009 at 10:54 am
Also, I have it on good authority that knowing is half the battle.
September 22nd, 2009 at 10:55 am
Is it considered sacrilege to rub one out while thinking of the Matron Saint?
September 22nd, 2009 at 10:59 am
The 49ers did something similar in their win last week which got them the win. They didn’t win by much (Only by a touchdown + field goal I think) But they had the ball from the end of the third quarter until there was about 6 minutes left in the 4th quarter on ONE drive which they wound up hitting a field goal with. That gives them a totally fresh defense going up against an offense with a backup quarterback and an O-line that resembles soft cheese, and expecting said offense to score twice just to tie it.
tl;dr, time of possession is VERY useful.
September 22nd, 2009 at 11:04 am
I, too, am not liking Suzy’s Michelle Tafoya impression. Not one bit.
September 22nd, 2009 at 11:07 am
Peyton’s fetus head is starting to get a little bit out of hand. His nose has taken his face over.
September 22nd, 2009 at 11:09 am
So, the Colts beat the Dolphins despite having the ball for less than 15 minutes.
Somewhere, Jim Kelly is laughing.
/god i miss those days
September 22nd, 2009 at 11:09 am
Peyton’s fetus head is starting to get a little bit out of hand. His nose has taken his face over.
His forehead also seems to be perpetually stretching.
September 22nd, 2009 at 11:17 am
Go Dolphins. Fuck you guys.
/ bitter Miami fan
September 22nd, 2009 at 11:27 am
No matter what, Peyton’s baby T-Rex arms will never catch up.
September 22nd, 2009 at 11:50 am
No matter what, Peyton’s baby T-Rex arms will never catch up.
I never realized this. His arms really are stubby.
September 22nd, 2009 at 11:51 am
Hey Suzy, all that squintin ain’t gonna help you find the Colts’ run defense.
September 22nd, 2009 at 11:59 am
*bangs head against laptop*
*tears up Marino jersey*
*throws into fiery tire pile*
*cries*
September 22nd, 2009 at 12:06 pm
Am I the only one who had no fucking clue where The Sheriff nickname for Manning came from? Gruden just said, “I call him The Sheriff,” then Jaworski kept referring to him as The Sheriff. I hate to break it to the booth, but a nickname won’t catch on 2/3 the way through someone’s career – ESPECIALLY one as lame as The Sheriff. Come to think of it, didn’t Gruden come up with Concrete Cyanide for Tebow? This man needs to be muzzled.
September 22nd, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Who or what is Corporate Peezy?
/I’m new. Get over it.
September 22nd, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Corporate Peezy….
http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/04/fix-yo-brand-persona.html
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:10 pm
At least Peyton had the courtesy to grant the Matron Saint an interview after the game, unlike a certain QB who shall go unnamed…..
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Idiot! There’s no such thing as +6 slowness! Bonuses stop at +5!
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:45 pm
“And it was kind of amusing to watch, this Dolphin failure, if you could block out the forthcoming analyst pant-moistening at Pey-Pey winning DESPITE HIS OFFENSE HAVING THE BALL FEWER THAN 15 MINUTES!”
I’d rather have the analysts gushing over Manning, who is a big fucking deal, and who has been getting it done in all situations for over a decade, than have them gushing over the Wildcat, which is some gimmicky bullshit and probably the reason the Dolphins forgot how to play offense in non-running situations.
September 22nd, 2009 at 2:26 pm
did you all hear skip bayless today saying this game was the greatest performance of peyton manning’s career? lolz.. what an incredible douche.
September 22nd, 2009 at 3:40 pm
I bet my friend 20 bucks the Fins wouldn’t get that play off before the 2:00 minute warning and then went to the bathroom as they lined up. When I came back he said “dude, how did you know they wouldn’t get the play off in time?” and I pointed to Chad Pennington.
Thanks for lunch today Dolphins!
September 22nd, 2009 at 4:47 pm
Sweet bluetooth on the dork holding the MNF sign. As a matter of fact, all the crowd shots display some real “trailer park” Americans. This post needs more Miami cheerleader pics. And a larger image of the Romo-bashing poll. Fuck the Cowboys.
September 23rd, 2009 at 12:31 am
God, those announcers making a big deal out of Peyton Manning putting up 27 points and winning the game despite having the ball under 15 minutes are so insufferable! Where in the hell do those jizzbags in the sports media get the idea that identifying, analyzing, and praising extraordinary performances is part of their jobs? They should be making as many jokes as humanly possible about how Hines Ward is Asian instead.
September 24th, 2009 at 12:16 am
I thought I recognized Phelptron. Scanned his comments and it seems this guy only rears his pissy little head whenever I have the temerity to impugn the immutable perfection of his lusted-after Fetus Head.
Manning Fetishists should’ve been in the tourney. So weird.