Tarvarington Somehow Robbed of Rightful Place on Handsome QB List
And so it is: the 10 most handsome quarterbacks in the league, as determined by something as arbitrary as facial symmetry (and probably also fellatio prowess). This criterion, of course, was expressly put in place to exclude Tarvarington.
Many will be surprised that Dreamboat does not top this list, and indeed, I find it curious and disturbing that Ben Roethlisberger is rated sixth, for no other reason than I enjoy the latent homoeroticism that underpins Pats fans bragging about how attractive Brady is and how many models he bangs. Personally, I’m perfectly cool with my team’s quarterback being a big, dumb lummox who wins games and then beds (BUT DOESN’T RAPE!) ugly cowboy broads in Reno.
Also, Marmalard’s inclusion on the list stems from the equal intensity of the lasers on both sides of his face. WHAT? HUH? WHAT? I’M HOT!
Full list after the jump.
Player, Team ______ Symmetry Rating
Matt Ryan _________ 99.82%
Brett Favre _________ 99.78%
Aaron Rodgers _______ 99.59%
Matt Hasselbeck ______ 99.56%
Kerry Collins _______ 99.49%
Ben Roethlisberger _____ 99.43%
Shaun Hill __________ 99.35%
Tom Brady __________ 99.14%
Philip Rivers __________ 99.04%
Kurt Warner __________ 98.98%
Tags: handsome boy quarterback school, pretty quarterbacks, really really gay quarterbacks, Tarvarington, xmas ape
September 1st, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Aaron Rodgers is never going to escape Favre’s sexy shadow.
September 1st, 2009 at 4:39 pm
Perhaps mushing his face into Jessica’s fun bags threw off the symmetry of Romo’s head, thus (wrongly) excluding him from this prestigious lists.
September 1st, 2009 at 4:44 pm
el duke ftw
September 1st, 2009 at 4:45 pm
What kind of Symmetry Ratings do the KSK staff have?
September 1st, 2009 at 4:52 pm
This list reeks of white supremacy. Just sayin’.
September 1st, 2009 at 4:52 pm
@Gino–
Fearful.
September 1st, 2009 at 4:54 pm
Fetusheads____________14.56%
September 1st, 2009 at 4:56 pm
Cuntlerfucker________%97.whatever
September 1st, 2009 at 4:56 pm
way to put the % in the wrong spot, dildo.
September 1st, 2009 at 5:05 pm
What kind of Symmetry Ratings do the KSK staff have?
I dunno, but the stroke that paralyzed the right half of my face ain’t helping.
September 1st, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Aaron Rodgers at #3 Ummm…whatever you say Wall Street Journal.
September 1st, 2009 at 5:09 pm
I heard Drew’s face is a perfect circle.
September 1st, 2009 at 5:10 pm
Drew Brees’ birthmark is sorry for continuing to ruin his chances at a Top 10 finish.
September 1st, 2009 at 5:12 pm
handsome boy quarterback school
“I am a male model, not a male prostitute!”
–Sparkles, Professional Male Model
September 1st, 2009 at 5:16 pm
Since the Mouth Eyes image has the exact same mouth pasted over each eye (http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/01/philip-rivers-would-like-to-read-you-a-bedtime-story.html), wouldn’t that nightmare inducing picture actually rank higher than Laserface’s real picture on the symmetry/attractiveness scale?
/study flaw’d
September 1st, 2009 at 5:18 pm
/has no idea what happened to his previous post
//n00b
September 1st, 2009 at 5:20 pm
How symmetrical was Roethlisberger’s face before it hit that van?
September 1st, 2009 at 5:20 pm
Are we sure that’s not Kerry Collins’ BAC?
September 1st, 2009 at 5:23 pm
Natalie Gulbis hasn’t been the same since Ben raped her.
September 1st, 2009 at 5:40 pm
@Grimey: It did leave a beautiful dent.
September 1st, 2009 at 5:44 pm
Brady totally better watch his ass if Aaron Rodgers takes a liking to Giselle!
September 1st, 2009 at 5:45 pm
Cowboy broad = cowbroad
September 1st, 2009 at 5:45 pm
50% of them have been a part of the Packers, crazy
September 1st, 2009 at 5:56 pm
Try 40%
Favre, Rodgers, Hasselbeck and Warner. Who else has? Regardless, the rest of the league needs to look out or be prepared to file a grievance to the league regarding Green Bay’s monopolizing of handsome, er, symmetrical QB’s.
September 1st, 2009 at 6:18 pm
After the game Tarvarington likes to unwind with a nice purple drank with a microbrew back.
September 1st, 2009 at 6:27 pm
@Otto: Modeling just sucks.
/and they made me take off my top!
September 1st, 2009 at 6:29 pm
Roethlisberger is equally fat and ugly on both sides of his face.
September 1st, 2009 at 7:33 pm
you mean to tell me that the pan-faced, neckbearded, kyle orton and the porn ’stache rockin’ charlie frye aren’t the sexist qb’s in the league? this bullshit list is biased.
/slams keyboard and walks away pissed
September 1st, 2009 at 7:41 pm
El Cumslinger would like to have a word with the queen who prepared this list. And by “like to have a word” I mean bang his mother.
September 1st, 2009 at 7:57 pm
I’ve been on the series of tubes known as the Internets for some time and this WSJ article and it’s “symmetry” conclusion is one of THE dumbest things I’ve read. My double chin and receding hairline are perfectly symmetric!
/would actually like to see a WSJ series on fellatio prowess and corporate mobility
September 1st, 2009 at 8:22 pm
Where the fuck is Kyle Orton? Are neckbeards not handsome all of a sudden?
Also, how pissed is Peter King right now that Matt Ryan beat out Favre.
September 1st, 2009 at 8:58 pm
@j4b
Don’t you fret about the Cumslinger. He’s the #1 rated handsome QB on the injured list. He’s had that spot for every season except 2006.
September 1st, 2009 at 9:14 pm
OWWAH QUARTEHBACKS FACE IS MORE-UH SYMMETRICAL THAN YOUR QUARTEHBACKS FACE. THATS WHAT MAKES IT SO EASY FOR ME TO REACH MAH CLIMAX WHEN I PICTURE HIM IN MY MIND WHILE I DRUNKENLEH FAHK MY PASSED OUT SISTAH! AND THANK FAHK THERE AINT NO DAHKIES SOILING THE INTEHGRUTY OF THAT LIST! THIS JUST PROVES WHAT I’VE BEEN SAYIN THIS WHOLE TIME ABOUT DAHKIES BEING INFUHRIOR TO OUR MASTAH RACE! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
September 1st, 2009 at 9:17 pm
Data obviously skewed without a single mention of Rexy. I call bullshit.
September 1st, 2009 at 9:22 pm
Wake up, people. This is just the latest incarnation of the National Eungenics Program the Wall Street Journal has been calling for since the ’30s.
September 1st, 2009 at 11:12 pm
Neckbeard’s blood-symmetry-content: 0.12
September 1st, 2009 at 11:13 pm
I’d like to call into question the qualifications of Shaun Hill. Not for his looks, but as a “quarterback”…
September 1st, 2009 at 11:44 pm
MV7 isn’t on the list…..is there a separate list for non-Caucasian QB’s or did Kerry Collins pull rank?
September 1st, 2009 at 11:53 pm
Dear Mathemagician,
fuck you
cordially yours,
The “I HATE Alex Smith SF Singletary Fanclub”
September 2nd, 2009 at 1:04 am
Jason Whitlock is OUTRAGED that Jeff George isn’t on this list.
September 2nd, 2009 at 1:18 am
Laserface might be symmetrical, but he’s one ugly son of a bitch.
September 2nd, 2009 at 1:34 am
What I learned from this list is that black people aren’t symmetrical.
September 2nd, 2009 at 3:14 am
i just want joe flaccos eyebrow symmetry percentage
September 2nd, 2009 at 8:27 am
Brady Quinn just found a new date list.
September 2nd, 2009 at 9:26 am
Tarvarington has a neatly chisseled, well-groomed, drop-dead handsome face. He’s like a rough diamond that needs a little polishing, that’s all.
September 2nd, 2009 at 10:01 am
So-if Spongebob Squarepants was in the league, he would be more handsome than Mattie?
September 2nd, 2009 at 10:30 am
Silky Garrard must be fuming over this list. Matt Ryan can’t pull no hoes! Brett Favre mows his own yard! Silky makes his hoes cut his grass!
//Seriously, this list couldn’t be more white if it had been bleached repeatedly. WTF.
September 2nd, 2009 at 4:00 pm
There’s only one TRUE handsome QB list, and it’s five lines of the words “Koy Detmer” written in bubble letters and peppered with hearts.
November 8th, 2009 at 7:54 am
wonderful! i’ve made my own journal