Shawne Merriman Gets a Shot at Assault with Tila Tequila
It’s eight days until the Chargers open their season against the even more rapidly disintegrating Raiders (who in the last 24 hours have cut their best quarterback and traded a future 1st round pick to the Patriots for a 30-year-old slightly above average defensive end with one year left on his contract) but Rapeasaurus is already in midseason form, getting a battery charge – which sounds so appropriate for a Charger – for [dons responsible blogger pants] allegedly [removes pants] choking and “restraining” (I think that’s legalese for stuffing her in a cat carrier) unexplainable celebrity Tila Tequila. Man, Jeff Reed’s gonna be pissed about Merriman messing with his girl.
So that’s a fun development for a team that Vegas is now giving better odds to win the Super Bowl than the defending champs. This was supposed to be the one non-clusterfu-k in the AFC West!
UPDATE: The San Diego Union Tribune is reporting that Tequila wasn’t seriously hurt, so I guess the Gigantosaur at least didn’t choke her that hard. C’mon, it’s not even a crime unless you do it at full strength.
Tags: gay zorro, gigantosaur, Shawne Merriman, xmas ape
September 6th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
he even more rapidly disintegrating Raiders (who in the last 24 hours have cut their best quarterback and traded a future 1st round pick to the Patriots for a 30-year-old slightly above average defensive end with one year left on his contract)…
But… the Raiders are one slightly above average defensive end away from competing for the AFC title, are they not?
September 6th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Merrimams qualifications? rape, murder, arson and rape
September 6th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
No word yet on whether he used his hands or his dick to choke her
September 6th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
Hell, Jeff and Tila seem like they’d be down with a threesome. Or a fiftythreesome.
September 6th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Not that I condone violence against women but… eh, I have a feeling somebody somewhere wished a Shawne Merriman beating on Tila Tequila. Might almost make me believe in God.
September 6th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
Uh oh. Roger’s gonna be pissed.
September 6th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
So, is he charged with assault for choking the shit out of her, or for not choking the life out of her.
September 6th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
PERFECT!!! fuck you very much you shawne merriman. just what we all needed. this is just what this skanky-ass attention whore was hoping for. now she and her publicists are going to spin this into a chris brown/rihanna-type media circus and make the rounds on the talk show circuit. including the obligatory nancy grace and ellen interviews. then comes the book deal. fuck you shawne merriman. fuck you very very much.
/i’m going to kill myself.
/oh, and abusing women is wrong or something
September 6th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
@ Slideshow Bob
You said rape twice.
/took the bait and teed it up for you
September 6th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Merrimams qualifications? rape, murder, arson and rape
And steroids. Also.
September 6th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Merrimams qualifications? rape, murder, arson and rape
And steroids. Also.
I’m pretty sure steroids aren’t an issue in the NFL… I mean, the media would have reported it, right? Right????
September 6th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Shawne Merriman’s new entrance song: “Under My Thumb”- The Rolling Stones
Option Two: “Only Women Bleed”- Alice Cooper
September 6th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
who knew Merriman was Wayne Brady’s henchman? Interesting.
September 6th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
To be fair to the Raiders, they had to cut their best quarterback so that their worst quarterback wouldn’t be constantly looking over his shoulder.
September 6th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
Raider Milt still thinks he’s a bitch.
September 6th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
…for [dons responsible blogger pants] allegedly [removes pants] choking and “restraining”…
And so it was, on September 6, 2009. For the first time in KSK history, part of a post was written while its author was wearing pants.
September 6th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
Slideshow Bob was riffing on “Blazing Saddles.”
September 6th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
Looks like Shawne will be in the clear, http://profootballtalk.nbcsports.com/category/rumor-mill/ . Who would ever guess Tila would overreact? I am guessing the same people who thought Roflsburger raped a crazy woman.
September 6th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
Shawne Merriman’s new entrance song: “Under My Thumb”
I thought it was “Smack My Bitch Up”
September 6th, 2009 at 6:21 pm
Tila seems sane, maybe I only know Tia from her tv show and I don’t know the real Teah. I don’t think if Teeuh wants to call the cops because she forgot the ’safety word’ she inconvenienced the SDPD; I’m pretty sure they were headed by Shawne’s place that night anyway.
September 6th, 2009 at 6:31 pm
First time I ever read her name in a headline and was entertained. This made me far happier than it should have. Bitch shouldn’t be drunk drivin and shit.
Nice Alice Cooper reference Gino.
September 6th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
@ CT John
I know he was, I was continuing the scene.
Hedley: Qualifications?
Guy: Rape, arson, murder, and rape.
Hedley: You said rape twice.
Guy: I like rape.
Mel Brooks is a god.
September 6th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
Your responsible blogger pants are unzipped
September 6th, 2009 at 8:12 pm
I’m willing to bet alot of money Shawne Merriman did the lights out dance over Tila Tequila after he choked her out.
September 6th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
Honest to god I thought Tila Tequila was a Filipino tranny.
Of course, now that I think about it there’s nothing in this story that says s/he isn’t.
September 6th, 2009 at 8:53 pm
Merrimams qualifications? rape, murder, arson and rape
You forgot ass rape.
September 6th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
Merriman and Tila? Anyone else think a new Super STD will be the result?
September 6th, 2009 at 10:44 pm
As Latrell Sprewell would say, “it’s not like she was losing air or anything.”
September 6th, 2009 at 11:20 pm
Michael Irvin’s Seniority Says:
“Honest to god I thought Tila Tequila was a Filipino tranny.
Of course, now that I think about it there’s nothing in this story that says s/he isn’t.”
Tila’s last name is Ngyuen. So she’s a Vietnamese tranny.
September 7th, 2009 at 2:33 am
What really happened:
http://avengingjackmurphy.blogspot.com/2009/09/merriman-versus-tequilla-city-in.html
September 7th, 2009 at 8:14 am
Sometimes the comments from the glorious readers trump the article. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go get another bowl of Captain Crunch.
September 7th, 2009 at 9:26 am
@ LaFarve’s Next Interception Says:
Double Secret Super Aids?
September 7th, 2009 at 10:19 am
Can ya really blame him for wanting to choke that bitch? I mean seriously, he was trying to do us all a favor and make her shut the fuck up…
September 7th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Open hand, open mind, Shawne…
September 7th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
My nephew was there. said they were both a$$hole$. He described Tila as a shaved monkey, sez she’s really small. And chatters constantly.
September 7th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
waitaminute Shawne Merriman was dating Tila Tequila? He wasn’t on shot at love! What gives?
September 7th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
I guess according to the DA’s office they didn’t see that Tila was hurt at all (Not even slightly, AT ALL) and that she appeared drunk. Gigantosaur’s claim was that she was trying to leave the house and drive in her intoxicated state. Tila seems like the ‘crazy’ breed of girlfriend anyway. Anybody listen to that song she has on Youtube?
September 7th, 2009 at 7:24 pm
Tila Tequila is 4′11, weighs all of 95 lbs and is Vietnamese- so give her a couple thimbles of Midori and she’s chattering-monkey-drunk. She’s also a spoiled, vapid SoCal attention whore, so I can totally see how she’d be wanting to drive herself to a club even though she’s hammered and the 6′4 270 lbs Merriman says no and gets in her way. Then she throws a hysterical tantrum loud enough that a neighbor calls the police and Merriman’s instantly the bad guy.
Not that I know how these domestic disturbance calls go.
September 7th, 2009 at 7:59 pm
Yeah, it sounds like Merriman didn’t do anything wrong. Man, between he and (the) Ben, it’s an offseason fraught with bogus assault claims. C’mon NFL, you’re getting way too consensual.
September 7th, 2009 at 9:17 pm
Really? Tila Tequilla would over-react and cause some drama? Did this asshole never catch an episode of her show?
September 9th, 2009 at 3:15 am
I would choke the life out of Tila Tequila because she is nothing but a dirty ass dyke bitch with HIV, STDs, and gonorrhea. I’d Latrell Sprewell that ho. Matter of fact I would change my first name to Latrell.
September 9th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
This never would have happened if Ryan Jenkins was still alive