This is a child. It’s not my child, but for our demonstration, this child will do. Few non-parents know this, but children are actually Jedi. It’s true. Allow me to illustrate their technique. Let’s say a child wants a cookie. Here is how they will go about procuring it.
Child: Dad, can I have a cookie?
You: No.
Child: I can have a cookie.
You: No. I just said you can’t.
Child: Yes, I can.
You: No you can’t.
Child: I can have a cookie, because I was good today! (looks at doll) Dolly, can I have a cookie? She says, “Of course you can have cookie!”
You: Eat your berries, and then you can have a cookie.
Child: Umm… no thank you. I don’t need to eat my berries.
You: No, I just said you DO have to eat them.
Child: We don’t have to eat our berries.
You: Yes, you do.
Child: Dad, is it almost time to have a cookie?
You: You’re not listening.
(child pulls chair up to counter, attempts to get cookie)
Child: We can have just one bite.
You: (puts cookies further out of reach) No. Not until you eat your berries.
Child: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
(falls to floor, convulses, howls, violently kicks the air)
Child: I DON’T LIKE BERRIES! I WANT A COOKIE!!!
You: Calm down. Just calm down. Just… take one bite of the berries. Just one bite. Then you can have it.
Child: NO!
You: Will you just eat one goddamn bite of it, so I don’t feel like the most impotent parent on earth?
Child: NO! I DON’T LIKE IT!
You: Fine. Fuck it.
Child: (instantly changes demeanor) Dad, is it time to have a cookie?
You: Yeah, here. Have seven of them. Just stop being so fucking annoying.
Child: (does little dance)
And that’s six hours of my day every day. Lousy mind tricks. It’s a wonder the kid doesn’t shoot me with handlightning for hours on end.
Hey, it’s time for the Meast of the Week! It’s Darrelle Revis of the Jets! The lockdown corner who took Randy Moss completely out of the game as the Jets pulled off the upset over the Pats. Someone’s going pussy tubing this weekend…
Someone already did!
And your Least of the Week? Oh, Jeff Reed…
Cry! Cry away, you little douche!
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@Whipperwil: that’s a big PLUS ONE good buddy…
It’s parenting like that which ensures I’ll have a steady supply of young, spoiled daddy’s girls to seduce when I’m a lecherous 50 year old.
Man up, tell them “NO,” and walk away.
Geez Gino…
Kid advice? My Ex is Italian and I’m black, so the question about spankings was less if it would happen, but if they’d ever test us in public. They did… We won. Kinda. The middle son wouldn’t eat a bowl of not-hot chili he BEGGED us to order, so I made him. I can’t go back there now.
And for the Target crowd: The youngest daughter threw a fit on the floor in the store because she wanted something. Her mother proeceeded to join her on the floor, kicking and screaming just as loudly. You’d better believe there was some pussy tubing THAT night!
On the home front, she had the Italian wooden spoon. Being from a military family, I went with Irish whiskey and a “Beating Theme Song” (“Duel of the Fates” from Star Wars works wonders. The kids spread out like the Cowboys pass defense in the 4th quarter.
/my mom is a saint, but still spanked me back in the day… I deserved every one
//never “kid-proofed” the house… surprisingly, if a kid puts a fork in an outlet, they tend not to do it again
It is not giving children things that spoils them; it is giving them things to avoid confrontation that spoils them.
The only good thing about seeing my mother grab the wooden spoon is you knew she was never going to go for the face.
My dad’s discipline…get me to help build MY treehouse for MY birthday, and during the process drop a 4×4 post on me. I was 8 and got squashed like a bug. To THIS DAY he says that I had adequate time to move, and that it’s my own damn fault for laying long enough to have a picture taken and saved for eternity.
“I still think that Antwan Odom’s Bitch. LT, Packers was a more deserving Least. Oh well, at least I can take comfort that Aaron Rodgers will get killed by week 8.”
And Chad Clifton’s now out at least two weeks.
/sadly, agrees with Rob
Hey its ok to waterboard your kids right? I mean technically its only simulated drowning.
@UU, you mean to tell me that only Italian families get the pasta spoon treatment? Next you’ll be telling me that other ethnicities don’t have Ravioli for Christmas.
somehow, just seeing a picture of a little girl on the KSK homepage made me real uneasy-like. fuzzy animals are one thing, i know they are about to be eaten by sharks, but the little girl has me looking over my shoulder.
my problem?
Parenting?!?! What the F people. Isn’t that what TV is for? Just plant them in front of the tv and give them the remote. They’ll figure out what’s good and not, trust me. My kid’s been watching some hunting shows. He’s learned so much he got rid of a stray cat problem we had for a while. Skinned and deboned them too.
thanks for the advice. i’m thinking about kicking the baby and the wife out. i’m already used to not getting any sex. at least i’ll get a good nights sleep.
StuScottBooyahs Says:
“@Slash: That’s kind of like saying that after a while, you get used to stubbing your toe. Pain is always painful.”
I know some people who would disagree with you on that one. Maybe they were spanked a lot as kids, too.
My wife an I set the no bed rule on day one with our kids, if they wake up during the night they they go back to their bed, not ours. Works like a charm… two kids, three years and counting.
@Slash: That’s kind of like saying that after a while, you get used to stubbing your toe. Pain is always painful.
I’m kind of wondering how Peypey doesn’t get Meast, and Chad Pennington doesn’t get Least.
I mean, what’s more measty than pulling out a win when your opponent has a 3:1 Time of Possession advantage? And how do you get more leasty than not being able to beat a defense that was on the field for 45 minutes?
I mean, is there an unspoken “Anyone With A Mocking KSK Kharacter Can’t Be Meast” Rule?
RE C-Student Says:
“i have a 4 month old. he cries every night until my wife wakes up and puts him in our bed. then he magically falls asleep for the rest of the night.”
Bad precedent. What Otto said. I know some people are all into this “family bed” bullshit, but sounds like a good way to get crappy sleep and no sex.
I have no kids, so my advice is probably less than worthless, but… the problem with spanking is, you have to escalate. After awhile, they get used to spanking. And what do you do when they’re teenagers and they’re big enough to hit back? I’m not saying never spank, just saying, I’ve noticed that people who do it a lot don’t seem to have particularly well-behaved kids.
Have you guys tried the BabySafe Ball?
My parents are Irish so their parenting tip to me was, “have a lot of them, ignore them, and drink heavily. The Catholic guilt will cause one of the older kids to take up parenting role.”
The “NOOOOOOO!” should have been accompanied by the comment (sound reaches through your back, grabs your spine, and twists). PirateSloth is right, it’s easier for girls to get away with this crap. If I had tried that screaming in the store nonsense, my father would have just whispered in my ear, “When we get out to the car, I’m going to beat the ever-loving shit out of you.” This would not have been a threat but a promise.
/Have three daughters
//Spaced far enough part that for 18 years I’ll have a teenage daughter in the house
///Am beyond screwed
You have a daughter – girls keep their mind tricks, why do you think you got married in the first place?
Tell me they lose their Jedi powers as they get older. My 2 year old daughter just used similar tactics to get 2 cookies, although I did get her to eat a few blueberries in between.
See, my family taught me at an early age that football trumps anything else going on during the weekend. Even if my dad managed to drag my ass out fishing, we had to listen to the game on the radio. Why have people stopped doing that?
Also, it drives me up the fucking wall that my 20-year-old coworker goes all soft and “awwww!” when parents with babies come in. I just kind of turn the other way and ignore them. I mean, fuck, I’m almost 23 and there is no way in fucking hell that I am having kids in the near future. Apparently I am some kind of broken woman, or whatever. Fuck that.
When I got older, like 4 and above, two sounds scared the living shit out of me.
1) “Wait until your father hears about this, [insert full name]”
2) The fwap fwap fwap sound a belt makes as it’s clearing the belt loops when pulled in anger/frustration.
Did I turn out ok? There’s a reason I live halfway across the world in Hawaii from my parents.
@UU +1 Benadryl is the nectar of the gods, designed for children. “What’s that, you have the sniffles..? Must be the pollen.” I have never added it to cookie batter…until now.
@NNV The 3 foot straight glass is my preferred morning solace. More efficient, lasts longer and harder to detect behind the wheel.
/loose the hounds
I don’t know…that little girl DOES kinda look like Tackleberry.
Who knew that KSK was ground zero for excellent parenting advice.
Remember the time we were all swapping recipes on KSK? Good times…
Know what quiets down a screaming baby? Shaking it.
I had been a single dad for several years with my kids…what worked for me was actually spanking them and being kinda scary when I got mad at them. They fear me, but they love me.
Alomost forgot – try a “Star Chart” – kids earn stars by doing chores (i.e., brushing teeth, going to bed on time, NOT WHINING) to get a treat!
Who knew that KSK was ground zero for excellent parenting advice.
Ignore, Ignore, Ignore…then threaten no treats the next day too (Bitches!)…works for my twin girls.
@Crazyjoe – at you you got 15″….for your kitchen TV; mine is only 8″ /frown
Got the hard stools though!
i have a 4 month old. he cries every night until my wife wakes up and puts him in our bed. then he magically falls asleep for the rest of the night.
Yeah, you need to stop that shit now. Right now. Or else you’re going to wind up one of those guys who sleeps on the couch because your eight-year-old kid is sharing the bed with your wife.
Go get “Happiest Baby on the Block” and let your son cry it out. This is the time to set down sleep habits. It’s not going to get any damn easier once the kid gets into a routine that involves your bed.
Also, try lacing the cookies with benadryl. Should put the kid to sleep.
And clear the sinuses! That’s some fine ass parenting right there.
Also, try lacing the cookies with benadryl. Should put the kid to sleep.
@Zero
I really need to read those before I post them. If my kid was MacKenzie Phillips I might like fucking kids better.
@Degenerate:
Mackenzie Phillips’ dad disagrees with your first statement.
I just noticed that the “children are our future unless we stop them” tag is missing.
I have a kid and he tries the whole meltdown with me…he gets down on the floor screaming and I just walk away. When he sees me leaving, he stops, gets up and come running after me. Do not give into the tantrums, little kids are like sharks. They smell the blood in the water (your fear, impatience, etc.) and they go in for the kill.
We still have to play games with him to eat his food, but fortunately he loves fruit, pizza and pasta so that works. Just need to get him to eat his chicken nuggets and things will be A-OK.
As for spoiling vs. spanking, it could go either way. My parents were strict with me and I turned out OK. I know kids who were spoiled rotten and got to college and couldn’t hack it or got some chick knocked up at 18 y/o or got arrested for robbing a newspaper boy. So basically what I’m saying is whoop their asses…they’ll appreciate it when they get older.
Give a kid a cookie and he’ll leave you alone for a minute. Teach a kid to bake cookies and he will leave you alone for the entire football game.
/Purple Jesus
I hate fucking kids.
My kids are jerkoff chicken nugget eating french fry chomping vitamin water swilling slobs. And there is shit I can do about it.
But they’re better than yours, dammit.
That Revis is awesome. Good enough for appointment viewing, first corner you can say that about for awhile.
Isn’t that kid the girl that went missing a few years ago?
i have a 4 month old. he cries every night until my wife wakes up and puts him in our bed. then he magically falls asleep for the rest of the night.
one day he’ll ask why he doesn’t have a little brother and i will tell him its because daddy never got to go pussy-tubing again.
great catch on the pic Wayne! maybe Madeline’s parents should have read all of this sage advice before they off’ed her.
spoiling them is a nice idea but they got to eats their berries (or other fruit dessert) else they wind up looking like R. Ryan or Coach Wade. Maybe if A.O. “Bum” or “Buddy” had been around more their boys would have better diets.
You know what little kids are? Birthers. Same level of intelligence (i.e. able to grasp one concept and one concept only), will argue forever and without a shred of logic in the face of overwhelming evidence (i.e., ‘no cookie,’ ‘but I want a cookie’ and ‘he was born in Hawaii, seriously, shut up,’ ‘no he wasn’t and here’s a forged birth certificate that says he was born in Kenya to Che Guevara and Stalin’), and both eventually fall on the floor in meltdown mode.
All this talk about parenting is overshadowing the fact that our Meast pulled a grade A prime cut of ass right there. Well played, Darelle.
Listen, we used to spoil the shit out of our kids and they have turned out ok. The neighbor’s kids were under strict ( no tv, no beavis and butthead, no “R” movies ) type of shit.
One of them got arrested for armed robbery after he grew older, so fuck it man.
Spoil away, I say.
Can we get a fantasy Meast? Because Chris Johnson!
***********************************************************
Ran up against that buzzsaw this weekend. Purple Jesus was average and Johnson had the game of his career.
Once you get past the initial embarrassment (it doesn’t take too long) of your kids screaming in a crowded store, any grown up with kids will sympathize with you, ’cause they’ve been there before. Those without kids will think you are an evil a-hole, but what the hell do they know anyway??
I’m not Italian, but Spanish (we helped create Mexicans!) and the worst day of my life was when my mom got a wooden spoon with a hole in the middle. Do you have any idea how much a hole can help a spoon cut through wind resistance?
Drew, 99% of all discipline problems can be solved with a spanking. It didn’t fuck me up too badly – to this day I freely admit that I deserved those spankings. Kids are retarded.
Have you all tried alcohol?
Oh you have? Never mind. That’s all I got.
@Wayne
I was wondering when someone would bring that up, I just didn’t want to seem like that queer guy that brings up the cruel things they do on this site then get ridiculed. Kudos to you though. Fag
Jesus, Wayne. Have a feline AIDS story to go along with that? Because we’re not sufficiently bummed out yet.
skip to the 6:20 mark
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDndsvjyIG4
You guys may not realize this, but the pic of the little girl that you used is of Madeline McCann, the little girl from England that went missing two years ago. She was kidnapped while her family was on vacation.
Fuck you Coren you fucking spam cunt. I hope you get raped with a rusty knife.
I was in the company of two shrieking children this past weekend. When they hit a certain pitch and volume, it is like having someone jam an icepick right into your eardrum. Very hard to ignore. I can see why people might be tempted to drink excessively under these circumstances.
I’d be laughing at all of these suggestions if I wasn’t so busy taking notes.
/parent of a teenager and toddler
//just shoot me
Boatdrinks and crazyjoedavola – Yeah, I see those tantrums at the grocery with those poor godforsaken parents looking completely helpless. And I immediately run home and research the advances on male birth control.
What Otto man just said.
Good thing is, I get my 2 boys to stay with me for 3 days every other week. Bad thing is I get my 2 boys to stay with me for 3 days every other week (eh I miss them, but those are the fucking custody laws). My 4 year old wants to get a new toy from Target every time I pick him up, and like a sucker, I get one for him pretty much every time, otherwise I get pouted on and pummeled like Cutlerfucker. That’s my “cookie” for my kids. Fuck you Target, fuck you very much.
I swear to god, women make the better parents, and and much as I hate my ex, I gotta give her credit for her mommy skillz.
“wooden spoon, like my mom used to do”
Rocco, all Italian children have felt the wrath of the wooden spoon.
What usually works for me is telling my daughter she can play with Play-doh, that usually shuts her up for an hour.
And yes, you will tend to drink more when you have kids.
Alright, show, by raisining hands, NON-Alcoholic PARENTS!
I can’t be the only parent who shotguns a beer for breakfast.
Shinon, you would need those super Bose head phones turned all the way up to drown out the screeching. After about a week of it, you would be quite deaf. Hang on a second, I think you are on to something.
Why aren’t all American parents alcoholics?
Wait, are you saying we’re not all alcoholics? Am I doing this wrong?
Shinons, the problem with your hypothesis is the grating nature of children in whine, meltdown, tantrum mode. It is worse than fingernails on chalkboard as far as the ears and psyche.
I like Shinons idea. That, or the wooden spoon, like my mom used to do. Then there’s always the, “You don’t me to call your father in here, do you?”
/Spending the rest of the morning reading FKS.
Tv works the same way. Daddy is trying to watch football on Sunday, and all i hear is “my show on” over and over again. You fight it as long as you can, then retreat with your balls safely detached into the comfort of the 15″ tv in the kitchen with the hard plastic stools.
Can we get a fantasy Meast? Because Chris Johnson!
Revis did a lot of pussy tubing at Pitt
Also, I’m no parent and in no position to judge. But doesn’t it make sense to invest in a good pair of headphones? Or even tell the kid that you’re wearing imaginary headphones and can’t hear their rant? “What’s that you want? I can’t hear you because of my invisible headphones. Oooh, this solo kicks I gotta turn this up. I’ll get back to you in a while.” /plays air drums
Again, not being a parent, I absolutely admit that I have no clue if that would work at all.
once you learn to enjoy tormenting your children, the path to being an effective parent gets a lot easier. and a lot funnier.
Ah, pussy tubing with a former Destiny’s Child member. I wonder which would be easier, covering Moss or becoming a famous rapper?
/buys rhyming dictionary
I’m with Drew for the least. I’ve got to think that tears earn you a gazillion points toward this arbitrary award. And having them caught on Youtube by douchey Bears fans with that stupid patch on their chin? Yeah, no way Reed doesn’t get the virtual trophy.
When do you scream and scare the shit out of the child? At what point in the development cycle is it appropriate to intimidate them?
Jeff Reed also broke an even 0 in fantasy land with the two misses… Jennings did lose to the bengals however….
But yeah Reed cost his team a game.