Sean Taylor Memorial Meast of the Week – Week 1
ZOMG! Did you see what Kanye West did at the awards show whose name I can’t remember last week? OMG!!!111!!! He totally interrupted this one girl you don’t care about, telling her some other girl should have won a meaningless award! THAT’S SOME KRAYZEE SHEET! I AM SCANDALIZED! IT’S ALL I CAN TALK ABOUT WITH MY FRIENDS WHILE WE STAND AROUND THE LEG PRESS! IT’S GONNA GO DOWN AS ONE OF THE MOST SHOCKING MOMENTS IN MEANINGLESS AWARD SHOW HISTORY!!! DO YOU REMEMBER WHERE YOU WERE WHEN IT HAPPENED?
The VMA awards have been held every year for over two decades now, and each year it becomes less and less relevant, a stunning achievement for something that was never all that relevant to begin with. It’s always fun to watch MTV hand out awards celebrating the art form of the music video when the network itself never airs any of them. If you’re watching the show, this is probably the first time you’ve actually been introduced to these goofy three-minute clips (none of which this year featured an emo band jumping around on treadmills, much to your chagrin). It would be like if Comedy Central handed out awards each year for carpentry, or if the porn industry handed out awards for achievements in the field of neurosurgery, or if CBS handed out awards for watchable television shows. It makes no sense.
This why, of course, MTV goes out of its way each year to manufacture a supposedly “controversial” moment at the VMA’s to get you to talk about them. Oh, did you not know that little Kanye outburst was planned well in advance? Well, it was. MTV producers went to Kanye and said, “Hey, Kanye, can you do that thing where you’re an arrogant prick? Thanks!” Then they went to Taylor Swift and Beyonce and said, “Hey, how would you two broads like to look classy and sympathetic?” And then Kanye went and acted like an arrogant prick. PRESTO.
That’s how MTV works now. They learned their lesson from that Bruno-Eminem stunt this summer you didn’t buy for a second. No, this was a far more canny staging. But that doesn’t change the fact that it was almost certainly fake. Because you weren’t going to talk the next morning about Cobra Starship winning some gay award for some gay video. No, MTV has to do something that makes a show they know is inherently uninteresting interesting. OMG! BRITNEY AND MADONNA KISSED! THAT LOOKED SO SPONTANEOUS!
MTV makes a baby pool look 50,000 fathoms deep.
Oh hey, time for your Meast and Least of the week! This week’s Meast is Adrian Peterson of the Vikings. You might think this is a homer pick. But those two stiffarms vehemently disagree. ENEMY FACEPALM.
And the Least of the week, by your vote, is Leodis McKelvin of the Bills. I voted for Cutlerfucker, but the people have SPOKEN. Tim McGraw will duct tape that ball to your hands, son.
UPDATE: I READ THE POLL WRONG! JAKE DELHOMME WON IT! FUCK YOU, JAKE! YOU SUCK LIKE AN OSPREY!
Image via the excellent KanyeGate Tumblr
This week, we’re holding the third annual KSK Kares Kharity Drive to support Matt Ufford’s participation in Fight Gone Bad, which raises money for the Wounded Warrior Project and Athletes for a Cure. Please donate at Ufford’s fundraising page.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, Sean Taylor Memorial Meast of the Week
September 16th, 2009 at 10:47 am
What? How does a four-interception, one-fumble performance by a guy trying to bounce back from a six-turnover playoff game not the Least of the Week?
You’re dead to me, voters.
September 16th, 2009 at 10:54 am
Purple Jesus was Measty as a motherfucker. The blood was a nice touch but that was the best “fuck you!” stiff arm I’ve seen in a long time.
@SSB, don’t blame me I voted Delhomme.
September 16th, 2009 at 10:57 am
don’t blame me, I voted for Kodos
September 16th, 2009 at 10:58 am
Jake the Snake got robbed.
September 16th, 2009 at 11:06 am
I voted Cutlerfucker. In fact, I voted for him twice.
September 16th, 2009 at 11:09 am
BDD – go back and look at the poll results. Delhomme won – I believe you misread the results.
September 16th, 2009 at 11:11 am
Goddammit, Jake the Mistake can’t win ANYTHING
September 16th, 2009 at 11:13 am
Kroy Biermann of the Falcons had 2.5 sacks, forced 2 fumbles and recovered one. Damn Measty – but probably not MOW material yet.
September 16th, 2009 at 11:13 am
McKelvin made one mistake while trying to fight for extra yards.
Dellhome was just trying to get off the field as quickly as possible.
September 16th, 2009 at 11:16 am
My Least of the Week vote went for Patrick Swayze’s immune system.
September 16th, 2009 at 11:33 am
@Starburied – are you serious? Swayze’s immune system should get Meast of the Week. Dude lived for two years with pancreatic cancer, outliving most pancreatic cancer patients by about 18 months. Pancreatic and liver cancer are both incredibly lethal – most patients are dead within three to six months of initial diagnosis. Five year survival rate is seven percent, and even that sounds generous.
September 16th, 2009 at 11:49 am
McKelvin makes one mistake and he’s the Least? No way–Delhomme (can we come up with some funny name for him…. like “Failhomme” (awful) or something please?) deserves it, hands down. Take out all the Toronto Bills votes and I’d be willing to bet Delhomme gets 86% of the votes.
September 16th, 2009 at 11:55 am
@ Ryno:
Kroy Biermann has potential to replace Teddy Bruschi as a Monday Night drinking game. Beer-Man!!!
/drinks beer at 9:30am
//wonders where Chris Draft is now
September 16th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
@Anthonytx42… Jake the Mistake? I used that one on Jake Plummer but I think we can move it over.
Delhommo? Makes him sound gay…
Idk I’m just shootin around here.
September 16th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
@Andy – I like the idea of spitballin’. Let’s see what sticks.
Pick Delhomme?
DelTurnover?
Delhaha?
(There’s a reason I don’t have a football/dick joke blog. I’m not funny.)
September 16th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
I’ll still hang around with you guys…..despite those jokes
September 16th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
And the Least of the Week: Kommenter Edition goes to Starburied, for making pretty much the worst possible pop culture reference of the many available.
/voted for Cutler. We all KNEW Delhomme sucked. But everyone was talking about how much of a steal Cutler was.
September 16th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
@ anthonytx42 @ Andy – My buddy came up with a good one
Joke Delame
September 16th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
@ Good Newz: I like Joke Delame. Can we get a ruling from one of the KSK authors on this one?
September 16th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
aaaand, I even messed up the name my buddy came up with, he said Jerk Delame, but I’ll go ahead and take credit for Joke Delame
/unless you think “Joke” was funnier, in which case juxtapose previous statement…
September 16th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
How about Jake Delinterception
BTW, someone tell UU he’s not allowed to vote 500 times.
September 16th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Can we just settle for the fact that “Delhomme” is French for “Of Men.”
/France joke
//Gay joke
///goes back to work
September 16th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Jake Delhomme’s new nickname is Aaron Brooks
There, it’s settled.
September 16th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Those are all better than mine, “Jake DelhOMYGODHEJUSTTHREWANOTHERONE!”
September 16th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Umm…so when is FJM guesting on KSK?
September 16th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
How the ineptness of the Bengals secondary did not get this is beyond me. the Keystone Cops were better at stopping folks
September 16th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Umm…so when is FJM guesting on KSK
I just saw that too on Deadspin and now I better understand the hilarity of their writing style and its impact on Drew’s weekly emasculation of Peter King.
/pushes up taped up glasses
That would be a great idea for them to guest host for a day.
September 16th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
That’s ok, Jake…the Panthers have called Jeff George to back you up.
//THANK God I’m a Steelers fan and that the Panther fans hereabouts are all fair-weather ones.
September 16th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
Which is the more meaningless, hollow award:
MTV VMA or ESPY?
Close, but I say ESPY.
September 16th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
Part of me thought Drew Brees should have been the Meast, but then I remembered who he played against.
September 16th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Jake DelTaco
Mark it.
September 16th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
MTV producers went to Kanye and said, “Hey, Kanye, can you do that thing where you’re an arrogant prick? Thanks!”
Well, it was pretty smart of them to ask him to do something he’s good at.
September 16th, 2009 at 7:59 pm
[i]H Cuz Says: Part of me thought Drew Brees should have been the Meast, but then I remembered who he played against.[/i]
Cleveland’s Run D = Detroit’s Pass D, roughly
September 16th, 2009 at 7:59 pm
HTML fail
September 16th, 2009 at 8:46 pm
Thanks to Jake’s Least of the Week. I would like to recommend to all – a Panthers related revisit to the Dec. 4 2008, Ape post.
“How Come You Don’t Hear Nothin’ About Us Southern Teams?”
Still cracks my shit up…as does all the posts with the fat, face-painted Panthers fan as the photo lead.
September 17th, 2009 at 12:54 am
Some days I hope Mr. Bojangles gets a biscuit with raw meat in it, so maybe the bacteria in his blood stream will alter his DNA and turn him into a freak I could be proud of, rather than a shitball excuse for a quarterback. I’d rather have my ipod stuck on a 6 hour long audiobook of Ocho trying to piece together his alternate reality in Mandarin Chinese than watch Jake Fumunda Cheese Delhomme lob a football to a startled defender again. Fuck I hate being a Panthers fan.
September 17th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Jackie Delfemme?
Cuz it’s french.
/gone