We got several questions this week talking about their auto-draft leagues. This makes sense to precisely none of us at KSK, as the draft is one of the best parts about being in a fantasy league. It’s essential in giving your league a sense of competitive camaraderie. So I have to ask: WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE? WHY??? Stop it. Don’t create auto-draft leagues, and don’t join auto-draft leagues. Period. They’re stupid.

Now then. Let’s get on with your assortment of more specific questions.

Dick Joke Dispensary:
Football: 12 team league, standard scoring, I got Fitty and Brady at the end of the 1st/start of the second, but now have 2 separate trades on the table to turn Fitty in to Brees and Brady into Forte. Deals or no deals? And if it makes a difference, the Fitty/Brees deal is with my week 1 opponent.

I’d take both deals, as long as your depth at WR isn’t a problem. Brees and Brady are pretty much a wash, with Brees having slightly more potential because of the likelihood that the Saints will be losing more games and throwing more as a result. And barring injury, Forte will almost certainly produce more points more consistently.  There’s no doubt that Fitty is one of the best receivers in the game, but he’s overvalued due to his superhuman playoff performance.

Sex: I’ve been 3000 miles away from my girlfriend for about 3 months now because of work, and return home in 3-4 weeks. What’s the official Gay Mafia position on Beat-Off Cut-Off Date (BOCOD?)
–Blue Balls McGee

I read somewhere that the average man is fully “recharged” within a day of his last ejaculation. But I’m guessing you want to give your lady an extra-large blast while getting your toes curled, so I’d say between two and four days — however long you can wait without it affecting your sleep patterns and your ability to go on a plane without jacking it at 30,000 feet just because the girl next to you smells nice.

Also, take note: did you see how short that question was? That was awesome. MOAR KWESHTUNS LIKE THAT PLZ

Dear masters of your respective domains,
Sex first: I’ve been seeing a girl for about two and a half months, and although the sex is frequent and not terrible, she has never had an orgasm. Not from intercourse, foreplay, or oral, and not for lack of trying. She claims that nobody other than herself has ever given her an orgasm. I’ve definitely had my fair share of success with other girls using the same techniques I’m using with her, so although I’m no Casanova (and no Santonio Holmes, for that matter), I do know that I’m not totally inept in bed. Also, I’ve asked her to show me how she does it to herself, but she says she’s too self-conscious.

So the question: how long do I keep trying? She’s cool, smart, fun, good looking, but I can’t go on indefinitely having sex with someone who is too self-conscious to ever come. It’s like jerking off but having to buy your hand a movie ticket first. What would you do?

Oof. Tough one. For me, making my partner come is as rewarding mentally as my own orgasm is physically, so I definitely sympathize. Look at it this way: relationships require intimacy and communication. If she isn’t willing to share what works for her with you, then it’s not just unsatisfying sex you’re having: it’s something fundamentally wrong with your fledgling relationship.

Fantasy: My lineup is looking strong for week one, with the exception of my flex spot, which is up for grabs while Marshawn Lynch is suspended. My other options are not attractive, and I need your help to choose the least of these evils: Fred Jackson (@NE), Lee Evans (@NE), Santana Moss (@NYG), or Jamal Lewis (MIN). Jesus, how did I wind up with this much of Buffalo’s shitty offense on my bench?
-Ryan

Good Lord, was it part of your plan to have all your possible flex spots play tough defenses? Lewis is definitely out: with Chad Greenway EJ Henderson healthy this year, Minnesota’s front seven is one of the nastiest in the league. I’d cross Evans off the list until I see how many looks T.O. is getting per game affects him. That leaves Moss and Jackson. I’d lean towards Moss because he’s a #1 receiver and has more upside as a constant threat to score, but Jackson might have less of a downside.

Dear writers of this silly weblog about football and related nonesuch,
Any advice on taking on the biggest negatives of having sex with a 7 month pregnant wife? She was about 105 pounds with nice firm and perky tits this time last year. Sweetest little tuchus I’ve ever been sat on by. She kept the nice ass, the melons are now full and we actually now have underboobage. But on one hand, it’s now like having sex with a chick with a huge beer belly. On the other hand, that’s my kid in there, and in 2 months he’s coming out of there. Turn off to say the least. Trying a lot of spooning sex, so the belly is out of view, but if i even grab a boob, I wind up brushing against that belly. I’m already not looking forward to however many weeks after the kid is born that sex is not going to happen, not to mention the 18 years after that.

Whatever, dude. Pregnant chicks are hot. You don’t like her, send her my way.

FF- most likely to be carrying the load by week 8 and putting up numbers that would consider a starting spot in a league with 2RB’s and 2 flex WR/RB: Donald Brown, James Davis or Glen Coffee?
Thanks Duderinos
-B

Coffee had 129 yards on 16 carries in his second preseason game. Davis had 116 yards on 12 carries in his second preseason games. Those games were against the Raiders and Lions, respectively. Go with Brown: Yahoo’s so-called fantasy experts rank him 29th out of all running backs, while the other two are both in the 50s.

Dear Gay Ess Gay,
Football: Deangelo Wiliams fucking killed me last year in the title game, as I’m sure he did many others, but with Delhomme at QB, I feel like defenses might stack 8-9 in the box to shut him down.  Any wildly speculative ideas about a player who could pull the same “underperformed for years but has the capability to finally go batshit insane” card this year?

Wow, that’s a tough one. I’m more of a “gamble on rookies” guy than a “take a chance on the annual disappointment” guy, but I think there are a couple of candidates here. There’s a lot of chatter about Santonio Holmes, who hovered around 800-900 yards his first three years, having a breakout year now that he’s caught a Super Bowl-winning TD pass. And why not? It did wonders for Plaxico Burress.

Some other candidates: Carson Palmer was brilliant in 2006 but somewhat disappointing in ‘07 and injured most of ‘08. That, combined with the loss of Houshmandzadeh, has made him potentially undervalued. I think the addition of Laveranues Coles makes him worth a chance, especially in the 8th round if you miss out on the studs like Brees and Brady. Also, there’s big talk of Rex Reed using Leon Washington a lot more in the Jets’ offense, and Washington’s unresolved contract situation means he’ll be churning for every yard he can get. And finally, I wouldn’t look past Laurence Maroney as a value pick. He’s one Fred Taylor injury away from a starting spot and breaking out in his fourth season. But Fred Taylor always stays healthy, right?

Sex: Speaking of stuffed boxes, Punte’s Sexy Friday post last week introduced me to IsSheFilthy.com.  Scrolling down the front page, I was faced with an issue: I know girl #572.

Isn’t it touching the way the Internet brings people together?

She’s a friend of a friend, so we’re not close at all, but I’m 100% sure it’s her (Facebook-stalking verified the shirt and necklace, often worn together, but proved inconclusive as to the penis in her mouth).  She is most definitely not a pornstar/stripper, as I feel some of the girls on the site probably are.  Now I’m trying to figure out how to play this situation.

A little backstory: I have previous experience in this arena.  About five years ago, a roommate of mine directed me to a very adult website where there were pictures and a video preview featuring a girl we knew getting railed and taking a money shot (a slutty chick who slept with most of our fraternity, and who had dated one of our friends on and off).  Our first thought was to call our friend and tell him, but he didn’t pick up.  After .06 seconds of deliberating, we opted to call everyone we knew.  The fallout was hilarious.  Except for the part where our friend realized she did the porno while they were dating and went on a self-hating 4-day bender, chasing hard drugs with Jim Beam.  That was only hilarious in retrospect.

So what do I do here?  I’m now a recovering frat boy who realizes there are consequences to such “awesome” actions as calling everyone I know.  Girl #572 is now engaged, to a guy who I’m fairly sure is not attached to the penis in question. I think I could safely direct a couple people to the site without ruining her life, but that could also spiral out of control.  Is part of being an adult just jumping on grenades like this to avoid the collateral damage?

What’s the official KSK protocol for handing filth flarn filth on the Internet starring someone you know?
Always,
DG

There is no KSK protocol for this; we handle it on a case-by-case basis. While your caution in your approach to this is commendable, it’s important to remember that you’re not responsible for any part of this — from the taking of the photos to their online publication. However, as I learned with Allison Stokke, dissemination of an image can still make you look like a bad guy. I think you can share that with a few trusted friends. Let them share your burden of knowledge.

Dear Lords of Blogtown,
Football first; I am commissioner of a 10 team league. Within the league there is a good mix of the experienced, those that wait until the draft day to look at football news but have participated in a FF league before, a complete newbie, and unfortunately, a functionally retarded individual (who’s participated before as well). In preparation for our live draft I did all of the research and mock-drafts that I felt were necessary for my own well being. However, I knew that most of the league would not do the same. I created draft kits for everyone, (read: printed out ESPN’s Player rankings and top 200), and created a spreadsheet so that they could keep track of their selections as the evening progressed. The player rankings were printed 2 pages-per-sheet, so there were 2 columns of names on each page (this is important). We start drafting, and the individual with the 7th overall pick in the draft takes (by round):

1. LT
2. Portis
3. Santonio Holmes
4. Matt Cassel
5. Santana Moss
6. Chris Cooley
7. Demetrius Williams….

….and so on, with bad decisions abounding. It suffices to say that the group was ripping on him beginning at round 1, as his selections were questionable (the Portis pick is ok as far as I am concerned, but it was a homer move for him). He stated that he was drunk and it was my fault for giving him beer.

Your friend is an asshole and a sorry excuse for a man. You don’t blame people for getting you drunk; you thank them.

He had had 2 miller lights and 2 Natty Boh’s in about 4 hours, as we started drinking a little before the draft.

Is your friend a girl in high school?

About half way through round 10 he looks down at the sheets that I had created and utters the following: “oh crap! there is a whole other column of people on the right!”. The group spends a solid 10 minutes crushing him for being functionally retarded. His excuses for not recognizing letters on right varied and included: “I thought it was the players stats, so I didn’t pay attention to it”, “when you were picking people I didn’t see (read: Wes Welker, Anquan Boldin, and Tom Brady) I thought their numbers had dropped off and the rest of you were stupid or something”. His team is a disaster, and I have no sympathies for him, as I stayed sober enough to run the draft and manage reasonable picks. This is all his own doing. However, I am curious if the collective brain trust of KSK feels that his impending season of doom is punishment enough, or if I should inflict something else upon this moron. Either this year or next is fine. Ultimately, by posting an answer you may accomplish this for me, as a few of the participants in the league are regulars to your sight, and having his failures forever preserved in the anoles of the internet may accomplish this.

I believe you mean “annals” of the Internet. But yes, I’d say his impending disaster of a year is punishment enough.

Now onto sex; I have a friend who’s been on and off with this girl for a couple of years. Mostly off the majority of last year. They talk on the regular, but don’t go out or bang anymore. She wanted to take a break (read: bang other dudes), he agreed as it freed him up to be social with his friends, as he tends to abandon his boys when he’s with a woman. However, he refers to her as his: Quasi-Girlfriend, and refuses to look at other women. He has stated that he doesn’t want to marry this girl as she is a little too crazy. She’s a complete waste of space as far as we (collective of his male friends and few females familiar with the situation) are concerned. I have tried to have serious conversations with him about it. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to get anywhere. He is obviously not happy, as I have witnessed what that in our years of friendship, but have not seen it since just after they first started dating. Is there something that I am not saying right? How do I be-rid this succubus? Or, do I resign myself it watching him suffer and give up? Oh, yeah, both questions are about the same guy….
-Friend to the mentally-impotent

You can’t fix stupid. Tell him you’re going to take him to see the rabbits, and put a bullet through his skull.

Friends, Romans, countrymen,
Sex first – Whether or not you think the friend zone actually exists, I think everybody can agree that being told the target of your affections just wants to stay friends with you is close to a death sentence for your chances of getting in her pants. What I want to know is how much of a death sentence is it? Do I have room to manoeuvre or should I write her off entirely because it’s never going to happen?

“How much of a death sentence is it?” It’s a death sentence, buddy. The wisdom of The Princess Bride aside, no one’s gonna feel your corpse and determine you’re only “mostly dead.”

Football second – Between getting Welkah in round 4 of a 12-team PPR draft, Lee Evans in round 6 and Kellen Winslow in round 7, I think I’m doing well so far,

Lee Evans and you think you’re doing well? Hey, it’s your funeral, buddy. (”But how much of a funeral is it?”)

but I got given the Redskins’ defensive unit when I missed a pick. Should I invest another pick in a credible #2 DST unit and play the matchups, or is Washington good enough that I can afford to try my luck with what’s left on waivers each week?
- A.

*rubs temples*

*sighs*

Do not use a second draft pick on a defense.

Dear KSK,
Football: So I have a league where I get 6 pts for passing touch, -2 pick and 20 yards a point. I have draft position 5, I have decided on a QB becuase of scoring, do I go with Brady and all the question marks surrounding him, or do I go with the sure thing in Brees, and how soon is too soon to draft a backup since a QB alone could win the league under the scoring system?

Conventional wisdom says Brees is the #1 fantasy QB this year. That’s the same thing conventional wisdom said about Brady last year. But I think they’ll both have excellent seasons.

Sex: So here’s my deal, I am 28 and my girlfriend of 4 years, who I loved very much, broke up with me 5 weeks ago (I was planning on asking the question this fall). There was no infidelity or anything like that she told me she was just miserable in the relationship and wanted out. I obviously did not want to break up and made that point clear to her. I know I can be tough to deal with, but I assure you I am becoming a better man as I get older, more the person she wanted me to be (and I want to be too). Now in the 5 weeks I have ‘relations’ with a couple of girls, but I really have only felt worse about my situation. My friends knowing how I feel are constantly on me about going out with them and talking to new chicks. But I also know I could lose some weight and could work on some things about myself. My question is this; am I better off continuing to go out with my friends all the time and hoping to meet a new chick, or should I take some time lose some weight and get myself right before jumping into the pool?
-Heartbroken

Sounds like you already know the answer. When you’re happy with who you are as a person, the other pieces of life tend to fall into place.

Vultures of the Vulva,
Sex: I’m newly single about six months ago. I’m 24 and have pretty much had a girlfriend since I was 17. Not the same girl, 3 different ones with 1-2 months in between. I was just wondering how much masturbation is too much masturbation? It’s not like I was getting laid twice a day or anything, but since I became single if I don’t beat the meat 2-3 times a day I’m a walking hard on and probably not the best to be around. I feel like I’m 15 again. Is it sad?

Six months isn’t “newly” single. Six months is you’ve been single for half a year.

How much masturbation is too much masturbation? It depends on the person. If your penis is raw, it’s too much masturbation. If it affects your sex life or your work negatively, it’s too much masturbation. It’s not sad unless it’s a problem. Wanker.

Football: How do you guys see McFadden doing this year?
Thanks guys,
Howie

I try to avoid players on lousy teams, but he can probably be a viable #2 RB for you. You want a prediction?

*shoves hand in ass, pulls it out*

1100 yards, seven touchdowns. There ya go. Keep in mind that I know very little about the Raiders and have no basis or reasoning for that prediction.

Flubby,
I just read your Ricky Williams post. I happen to be from Downers Grove, IL. Notice there is no apostrophe in the name. Also, if you were trying to pick a prototypical small, sleepy midwestern town, as the reference implies, you are mistaken. Downers Grove is a suburb of Chicago with a large population and is actually pretty happenin’. So suck on that. But now since I’m writing I guess I’ll contribute to the mailbag.

Flubby responds: “I routinely get by with wild misstatements of material fact and a lack of any real insight into the game, but people love calling out tiny mistakes in my superfluous embellishments. I once had a commenter dispute my alleged number of Zaxby’s restaurants in Dothan, Alabama. I’m just glad someone’s paying attention.”

Sex – For the married guys, how much tail chasing is enough before you are ready to settle down and be happy with a family? I’m looking for a specific number or range of numbers here.

Then you’re looking at it the wrong way. You’re ready to settle down and be happy with a family when you find a person you love and want to have a family with. There’s no “Whew! I finally fucked my 30th chick, now I can get married” mark.

FFootball – I was burned by Tom Brady last year. A lot of people are ranking him significantly lower than he was before ‘08-’09 and I’m not entirely convinced as to why that is. Do you honestly think any quarterback will have better numbers? Is he worth taking top five? Top three with RBBC (running back by committee) disease spreading through the league? Bonus: How do you feel about Ronnie Brown?
- Bix Weedman

I think Brees will have slightly better numbers, but I agree that Brady’s slightly underrated going into fantasy draft season. But no, he isn’t a top-five pick.

I don’t understand your RBBC question because of the stilted syntax, but I can tell you that Ronnie Brown is probably a little too high on most draft boards. His one gigantic game last year produced a halo effect around a year that was largely inconsistent.

Gentlemen (I’ve never understood all the insulting introductions),
At a recent University BBQ for returning Study Abroad students and newly arrived exchange students, I met an Austrian girl who was asking me about how dating works in America, which I thought might be a slow-play, or could be just general curiosity, so I didn’t do much with it. I then find out the next day on Facebook that she has a boyfriend back home in Vienna, and am now confused. Why would she be asking about dating in America when she has a boyfriend back home, unless she was planning on dating in America in spite of said boyfriend?

She’s planning on dating in America in spite of said boyfriend.

I have Portis (@NYG), LenWhale (@Pit), and Ahmad Bradshaw (Was) as my fantasy RB’s. Which two ought I start week 1?

Eek. I had LenDale last year, and he was great to have when he got into the end zone, which was most games. But against a tough run D like Pittsburgh? He could end up with a zero. I’d go with Portis for sure, and… ehhhhh… Bradshaw, I guess. Definitely Bradshaw if it’s a PPR league.

Dear Authors of the Annals of Anal,
Whilst in the throes of passion recently my wife told me that I should “stick it anywhere I wanted” and naturally, as an avid KSK mailbag reader, the first thing I thought was that I should stick it in her ass. I ended up not going the sphincter route because we’ve never even talked about anal and also because I could easily picture myself getting punched in the balls while my wife yelled “I wouldn’t have told you to stick it anywhere if I thought you wanted to stick it there, you sick freak!” (Such is the wisdom that comes with 11 years of marriage.) However, the more I think about it the more I think the possibility might exist and I plan on broaching the idea of anal sometime soon, probably after a grand romantic gesture and a bottle of wine or two. My only hesitation is that I’ve heard the horror stories of guys having their dicks shat upon and can’t imagine a bigger turnoff. So my question is whether or not this is actually something that happens frequently and how we can avoid it.

The dick-shat-upon stories are few in number, but sufficiently horrifying to be a cause for concern. If it’s something that genuinely concerns you and your wife as you explore the possibility of anal sex, well, invest in an enema. But most people don’t find that necessary.

Fantasy Football: I drafted Brandon Marshall in the mid to late rounds and have since been regretting it like a wife who has just agreed to anal. Since rumors of the Jets interest in him I’ve fielded a couple of trade offers for 3rd or 4th string WRs. Should I just stick with him or should I pull the trigger and get something for him now? And if so what type of player should I expect in return? (It’s NOT a ppr league and my other WRs are R. Wayne, S. Moss, C. Chambers and D. Driver. Start 3 WRs, no flex. Also, it’s not a keeper league.)
Sincerely,
Anal-curious

Ah, so you’re looking to give your roster a B-Marsh enema? If you’re dead set on making a trade now, be sure to get someone with high upside, like an unproven but talented rookie running back likely to get playing time (Beanie Wells or Knowshon) or the best back in a RBBC situation who’s an injury away from getting the bulk of the carries (Ray Rice, maybe). But honestly, I think you’re better off holding on to him and seeing what happens. His value can only go up — why sell low?

You see, sometimes in fantasy football — as in life — it’s best to see how things go before flushing the shit out.

Tags: captain caveman, the KSK football sex advice mailbag

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