When we last left North American Man-Boy-Coffee Lover Peter King, he was putting chips (mmmm… kettle chips) on people’s shoulders, praising the clutch harpiness of Kathy Holmgren, and marveling at all the young people who play professional football.

What’s in store for us this week? Is Drew Brees still underappreciated even though he clearly isn’t? Is Austin Collie Anthony Gonzalez Jr.? Will there be lists? And how does Derek Jeter factor into all of this? Join me (along with Christmas Ape, in a surprise appearance as Mr. Marmalard) below, for the answers you seek!

Now that’s what I call some drama, and some good stories.

Carson Palmer converting two fourth-downs in the final minute to slay the Steelers. The Jets riding Mr. Charisma again.

Oooh, nice nickname. He could be tag team partners with Paul Orndorff now.

I’ll tell you what I worry about with (Michael) Vick. Greed.

I’ll tell you what I worry about with Michael Vick. That he blows. Also, he might decide to start killing animals again.

When we talked after the game — I hadn’t spoken with him for three years…

AND HE NEVER RETURNED MY TEXTS, WHICH MAKES HIS ACTIONS ALL THE MORE INHUMANE.

“I’m fine with the role,” he said. “I’m blessed to be back in the NFL. My future is at quarterback, but for now this is fine with me. The city has embraced me, the organization has embraced me, the players have embraced me.”

I liked hearing that.

That’s exactly what I needed to hear. Commissioner Goodell, I give you my full blessing to reinstate this man now.

At the time I spoke to Vick, our NBC Football Night in America’ was preparing for the evening show, and I asked Vick if he wanted to say hello to Tony. “Tony who?” Vick said. And I said, ” Dungy.”

I’M ON A FIRST NAME BASIS WITH HIM. TELL ME YOUR MIND ISN’T FUCKING BLOWN. I CAN SAY HE SOUNDS LIKE OTHER BLACK PEOPLE ON TV AND HE DOESN’T EVEN GET MAD.

Of course he wanted to say hi.

Conversation: facilitated.

Jake Delhomme takes the field at Dallas tonight with a clear head. I think.

“Let me just subvert my own story before I even tell it.”

Delhomme, the amiable Louisianan,

Just call him Mr. Amiable!

…thinks the pressure’s been lifted off him with his let-it-all-hang-out performance last week at Atlanta (25-41, 308 yards, one touchdown, one interception). It wasn’t one of his best days in football, but at least he played football instead of thought football.

I hate it when people play thought football. It’s like when you play concentration tennis. It’s just asking for trouble.

Delhomme said all offseason he was completely over the nightmarish five-interception game in the NFC playoffs against Arizona. But as it turned out, he wasn’t.

Delhomme said he thinks he has the problem fixed now, and he did it by, in essence, talking to himself, and by caring about nothing but the next play, and by having an attitude of Bleep it.

Pretty sure that last item is why he turned the ball over six times against Arizona to begin with. HE’S UNLEASHING THE DRAGON.

What’s interesting is what he felt from his teammates. He said he’s not the type of person who ever needed to hear congratulations from teammates after a win, or after a great performance. That’s what he’s supposed to do, play well. But after the Eagles debacle, he needed someone to tell him he wasn’t worthless, and that someone was tackle Jordan Gross. After the game, Gross literally grabbed him…

Literally? Not with some sort of metaphorical roboclaw?

and said, “You’re still our guy. Got it? Understand?”

“You’re OUR Jeter.”

Baltimore (3-0) at New England (2-1). Why shouldn’t Tom Brady face every quarterback of the future. Trent Edwards, Mark Sanchez, Matt Ryan and now Joe Flacco.

Uh… can we expunge Trent Edwards from that list? I know he’s a quarterback of the future. But I assume that future entails some nightmarish, post-apocalyptic landscape littered with human corpses and jet-black ash.

In a book hitting the shelves Tuesday about the 1981 NFC Championship Game, (”The Catch: One Play, Two Dynasties, and the Game That Changed the NFL, Random House) New York Daily News football writer Gary Myers gets quite a confession out of Joe Montana: He played the game with a credible death threat called into Candlestick Park that day. “They told me right before the start of the game, or right at the start of the game,” Montana told Myers. “Somebody was going to try and shoot me during the game.”

Then, late in the fourth quarter, he rolled out and threw the high ball that Clark caught that catapulted the Niners past the Cowboys as the power team of the NFC. And when Montana kneeled on the last play of the game, Dallas unable to stop the clock with 19 seconds left, his teammates were surprised by Montana’s actions. He grabbed the football and started running off the field, pausing to celebrate with no one, and sprinted to the San Francisco Giants dugout, which had a tunnel leading to the locker room. No celebration. Just a run for what he thought might be his life.

Still, can’t put him higher than #3 on that all-time QB list! Sammy Baugh once played a whole game with a hunter aiming a bow at his cock!

The Fine Fifteen

2. New York Giants (3-0). Uh, all of you Saints, Jets and Vikes backers who are throwing bricks through your computers at the office this morning because I moved the Jints over your lads … here’s a stat for you: Tampa Bay, in the first 50 minutes AT HOME Sunday, managed 30 net yards against a Giants team missing two huge pieces from the front-seven puzzle — Justin Tuck and Chris Canty.

You do realize they were playing the Bucs, yes? 30 yards in 50 minutes represents an offensive explosion for that outfit.

3. Minnesota (3-0). Interesting Fine Fifteen nugget: Favre’s current team is third, his old team is fourth, and his former Packers are eighth.

Here’s something interesting: certain teams are ranked in certain places on my arbitrary list!

6. Indianapolis (3-0). Tony Dungy’s…

Or I call him, “Tony.” Sometimes I even go with, “The Tonester.”

…dissertation on Football Night in America on what Peyton Manning digests at the line of scrimmage, and how he calls up to three plays per snap, and how he decides which play to use, was a great piece of television.

I would have listened to that dissertation, but Dungy’s voice lulled me to sleep and I woke up in a puddle of my own filth.

10. San Diego (2-1). This just in: Philip Rivers is really, really good.

(door flies open)

(Ape grabs keyboard)

Marmalard: “This just in”? Did somebody slip that by the Peter King news desk during the seven-day forecast?

“Well the fall air will finally be showing up on Saturday, giving us nice crisp clear autumn days with only a 10 percent chance of precipitation. A great day for the Harvest Festival going on in Falderal Park. Hey, wait, I’ve just been handed something. Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you’re sitting down – Philip Rivers is good.”

WELL NEWS TEAM, HERE’S ANOTHER DEVELOPING STORY WE’RE WORKING ON – HOW DEEPLY ENTRENCHED UP HIS FAVRE-RAVAGED ASS IS PETER KING’S NECKLESS GOURD! GOTTA BE A GOOD THREE YARDS! AN AVERAGE LATOEINJURY CARRY! YOU MEAN TO TELL ME IT JUST DAWNED ON YOU SOMEHOW DURING THE MID-WEEKEND COFFEE ENEMA THAT KING LASERFACE, THE TWO-TIME PLAYOFF SLAYER OF THE FETUS HEAD, IS MERELY “GEWWD”? YOUR FAINT PRAISE ENSURES SHODDY TREATMENT AT ALL FUTURE SAN DIEGO HOTELS AND CONFERENCE CENTERS!

FUCK YOU! YOU CAN’T HAVE MY GLOVES!

13. Philadelphia (2-1). Don’t you get the feeling Kevin Kolb has gone from liability to legitimate in eight days?

Considering he played Kansas City? No.

14. Cincinnati (2-1). Andre Caldwell! Andre Caldwell! Or, as Keith Olbermann called him on TV last night: Ocho Siete. You know — 87.

Oh! Oh, NOW I get it! It’s Spanish!

MVP Watch

1. Drew Brees, QB, New Orleans. He’s human. He’s also 3-0.

1. Drew Brees, QB, New Orleans. He has hands. And lungs. Sometimes, he talks to people on the phone.

The amazing thing about Brees is that he’s done it all so QUIETLY. I think he was born without a tongue. He should be a Falcon!

Quote of the Week I

-Cincinnati coach Marvin Lewis, with 60 seconds left at Paul Brown Stadium and the Bengals trailing Pittsburgh 20-15 and Cincinnati with a fourth-and-two at the Steeler 20. Lewis yelled this out to his offense, and the offense, of course, went out and converted two fourth downs in the next 30 seconds en route to the 23-20 win over Pittsburgh.

Oh, of course! Brilliant motivational speech there by Lewis. Quasi-Rockne-elvish.

I see no credible way to dispute that Gannon is one of the three best Raiders quarterbacks in the first 50 years of the franchise — unless you think a checkered eight-year run by Jim Plunkett (57 starts, minus-1 touchdown-to-interception differential in the regular season, but very good postseason play)

Uh, Plunkett won two Super Bowls.

merits placement with Ken Stabler and Daryle Lamonica because he was the winning quarterback in two Super Bowl victories by the Raiders. I’d put Gannon over Plunkett.

It does. It very much merits placement.

Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me

Difference Between Baseball and Football Dept.:

Somehow, I doubt this will be as elegant as Carlin’s bit.

On Wednesday, in Kansas City for a series with the Royals, a group of eight members of the Red Sox traveling party — including manager Terry Francona and infielder Kevin Youkilis — spent a couple of hours at the Kansas City Chiefs’ offices and training facility, across the parking lot from Kauffman Stadium. Francona is close to Chiefs GM Scott Pioli from his days in New England, and Pioli visited Francona in the Red Sox clubhouse prior to Tuesday’s game. Youkilis and former major-leaguer Sean Casey, now a part-time TV colorman, kept commenting about the pace and fury of the midweek practice. Said coach Todd Haley: “They were very shocked how physical we were and how hard our coaches coached.”

Really? Baseball – a game which features no tackling – has a less physical practice regimen than football? I did NOT know that. I’m stunned, frankly. I thought the Red Sox ran the Oklahoma drill at least seven times a week. In full stockings.

Oh, and way to be impressed with yourself there, Todd Haley. Oooh, we’re so hardcore, a couple of pansies from the baseball world were IMPRESSED! I’M SO FUCKING AWESOME! Todd Haley, you are the assholiest of asshole coaches. You’re fucking 0-3. Learn to not suck before you go bragging to PK about how dazzling your hard coaching is.

Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week

I can’t emphasize enough — though I’ve said it a few times in this column over the years — how marvelous train travel is up and down the Boston-New York-Washington corridor.

Oh, Christ. Here we go.

I now take the train on Saturday at different times from Back Bay Station in Boston to Penn Station in Manhattan. Because we had no Saturday obligations at NBC this weekend, I took the regular Amtrak train at 4:45 p.m. from Boston to New York, stopping at the Kingstons and New Londons, and when we got into the little train station in Old Saybrook, Conn., just off Long Island Sound, there was a slight sunset struggling to be seen through the cloud cover.

Good prose. Lofty prose.

Four placid hours, having a couple of Heineken Lights and banging through some elements of this column.

Ah, so he writes the column DRUNK. It all makes sense now. I can wait for more drunk ramblings from Peter.

a. This guy on the train is looking at me
b. I think he might have been the one who used the PA earlier in an attempt at “humor”.
c. YOU WANNA STEP OUTSIDE THE CABOOSE, ASSHOLE?!

I think you could save 60 or 90 minutes by taking the Delta shuttle, but then you wouldn’t see the people walking on the seashore where Rhode Island meets Connecticut in a part of the country not many people know.

Oh, you mean the part populated by millions of people, that’s home to many seaside towns and two giant casinos? Indeed. We should air-drop Bear Grylls into this wild and untamed landcape.

By the way, a one-way Acela ticket from Back Bay to Penn Station is $109. This is why most people drive that route. Because they are poor and can’t afford Macbook Airs.

Tweet of the Week

I got this started by telling people on Twitter the other day they shouldn’t be all excited about Millen being on TV. Before he went down his destructive path with the Lions, he was considered by all to be the heir to John Madden as a pro football analyst.

BY ALL? NO HE FUCKING WASN’T. I DISLIKED HIM AND SO DID MANY OTHERS, SO DON’T PROJECT THAT SHIT ONTO ME, YOU CUMSIPPER.

Offensive Player of the Week

Stats, schmats.

Unless I’m trying to prove that Jim Plunkett’s Super Bowl victories don’t mean anything!

Defensive Player of the Week

Sorry for taking the lazy way out and not choosing one player. I can’t.

I’M DRUNK AND LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW! LOOK! A LIGHTHOUSE!

Special Teams Player of the Week

Percy Harvin, KR/WR, Minnesota

His 101-yard kickoff return gave the Vikings a 20-17 lead late in the third quarter, but that’s too antiseptic. What made the return amazing to me was that he did not appear to have been touched on it. How often do you see a touchdown on a return accomplished without any of the 11 defenders touching the return man? I asked Harvin if anyone hit him or even grazed him on the return.

“Show me on the doll where the defender touched you.”

Anyone recall a team this young and green playing as clean a game as Detroit did?

Uh, the Jets? The past three games in a row?

Goat of the Week

What?!!! Let’s go to James Brown?!! Unless it’s for live coverage of Armageddon, you’re not going to James Brown. MICHAEL VICK HAS JUST TOUCHED THE BALL FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER.

For seven whole yards! WHY AREN’T YOU BEATING THIS STORY TO DEATH? IT SHOULD BE ON PAGE 1!

Shameless MMQB Book Promotion of the Week

My mix of sort-of MMQB classic and new stuff, due out in mid-October…

AND WRITTEN WHILE PISSED ON AMSTEL!

…can be preordered, and to tempt you I’m throwing a couple of nuggets at you this week.

Lots more where those came from.

Promise me you’ll never buy this book.

Did it rain on every football game Sunday, or was it just my imagination?

Well, the Vikings and 49ers played in a dome, so yes. That’s some imagination you’ve got. Was there a tank on the field at Gillette Stadium, or was that just my paranoid delusions?

I think — and trust me on this

No.

Jim Zorn’s going nowhere soon other than to work coaching the Washington Redskins.

I think, and trust me on this, that last sentence was glued together using snot and maple sap.

I think this is what I liked about Week 3:

a. Mark Sanchez’s guts

He’s got the guts of a Mexican burglar!

That is not a misprint in your morning paper or evening Internet source: Atlanta middle linebacker Curtis Lofton had 19 tackles at New England.

I hate it when media people use this joke. “No, that’s not a misprint!” Whenever I see a crazy score or stat, I may be surprised. But I accept it. I never think to myself, “MY GOD! THAT HAS TO BE WRONG!” and then check with seven other outlets to verify it. Sometimes, weird shit happens, even a guy making 19 tackles, which actually isn’t even all that odd. I KNOW it’s never a misprint. So stop assuming I do, like some kind of aggressive retard.

If the Chiefs’ biggest area of concern isn’t the offensive line, it should be.

BUT THEY’RE SO SHOCKINGLY PHYSICAL IN PRACTICE! TERRY FRANCONA HAD HIS EYES OPENED!

What an embarrassing replay review by Alberto Riveron’s crew at New England, ruling a Matt Ryan incompletion (as clear as day an incompletion and not a fumble), forcing the Falcons to throw a challenge flag, and taking away the New England momentum by making each team stand around for three minutes.

YOU STOLE MY TEAM’S MOMENTUM! I’LL HAVE YOUR HEAD FOR THIS! I KNOW TONY!

I think this is the best example of how you never pick up where you leave off in the NFL: Eight months ago, Pittsburgh and Arizona went down to the wire in a thrilling Super Bowl. Now they’re a combined 2-4, and it would be 1-5 if Tennessee played even semi-clutch down the stretch in the season opener.

Instead, they played quasi-shit-tastic.

Should I watch the Strahan show?

No.

I suppose I should invest 30 minutes for my old Montclair neighbor

We lived in the same rich suburb! With the tress and the talk!

but the premise of the show holds no interest for me. I’d like to hear your feedback.

Here’s my feedback: I don’t fucking care.

Courtney Cox must bury her head in her hands when she realizes how her career is being dragged through the mud by this idiotic show about picking up younger men.

Well, she’s the executive producer of the show. So it was her idea to participate. I don’t think she buries her head in her hands. I think she sits back, counts her money, and feels her own boobs. I know I would.

Adam Dunn’s career is the most interesting of any player in baseball by far. He hit 40 home runs in 2005. He hit 40 home runs in 2006. He hit 40 home runs in 2007. He hit 40 home runs in 2008.

Fascinating. It’s like Sidd Finch’s life made real. He’s had BY FAR the most interesting career of any baseball player in history: Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, Pete Rose, Jim Abbott. Just call him Mr. 40!

I thought the Yankees couldn’t pitch. They look pretty good to me.

The Yankees have won 100 games. They have thrown the second most strikeouts of any team in the league this year. Pretty sure they’ve got an arm or two.

Swine flu is coming. We’re not even in flu season and I know six people who’ve come down with it.

Get better, Jack Bowers! You will redeemeth!

Saw The Informant! the other day. Mildly entertaining. About 25 minutes too long, and I’m not sure the plot’s worthy of a movie.

At least, that’s what I told “The Insider”!

Hope you’re OK, Tim Tebow.

HOW CAN CONCRETE CYANIDE BE INJURED? IT’S NOT PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE!

j. Coffeenerdness: True story in Starbucks in Boston’s South End Saturday morning. Man, about 23, waiting for in long line for his drink, picks up New York Times (without paying), walks into men’s room. Five minutes pass. Man walks out straightening out the paper, puts the paper back in the pile of Times copies, picks up his drink and walks out.

k. Remember when George Costanza took the art book into the men’s room at the big bookstore, and he had to buy it? That’s what I was thinking here — only Starbucks-fouler got away with it.

j. This is…
k. an incredible story. AND THE MAN WAS GERMAN!

Was it just my hotel TV in Manhattan, or was the sound awful on U2’s “Breathe” on Saturday Night Live?

No, that was just U2.

Tags: Big Daddy Drew, FJM style, fun with peter king, really bad photoshop

This entry was posted on Monday, September 28th, 2009 at 11:29 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.