When we last visited Peter King, he was letting the light beer flow with Matt Ryan and pining for another bag of delicious, salty, crunchy kettle chips provided complimentary for him on AirTran, CONTINENTAL’S WORST NIGHTMARE.

Well, the season has finally begun and that means it’s time for a whole NEW season of fun with our lofty scribe. But first, an important mandate.

We mentioned this on Friday, but King is now tweeting during games, and it is a joy. It’s like watching the game with a freshly relapsed alcoholic uncle. Romeo Crennel’s doing a Coors Light ad? I’LL BE DAMNED! If Jack Bowers ever gets a Twitter feed too, this could be the greatest season in history. Now, onto this week’s batch of brain drool. Does God still owe King another summer? Will the Marriott’s shampoo let him down? IF you think writing this column is easy, Peter will pull a stolen foul ball out of his Blackberry Storm! Read on…

Trends: The NFC is catching up. The Wildcat suddenly looks old. Whatever the Saints are doing is working.

Yeah, who knew the Saints liked passing the ball? That’s crazy!

Stories: Kyle Orton’s 1-0, Jay Cutler 0-1.

An amazing story, like the time Donnie Banks went to buy some Corn Nuts and the cashier gave him a nickel back instead of a dime!

Rex Ryan is winning, and throwing zingers.

I’ve seen Rex Ryan. That man would never throw away a zinger.

chocolate-zinger

Mmmm… zingers…

Mike Singletary might know what he’s doing. Adrian Peterson and Percy Harvin both outgained Brett Favre Sunday — and that might be the key to his survival

Favre will be awesome as long as he doesn’t have to do anything!

The two successors to Favre, Mark Sanchez (Jets) and Aaron Rodgers (Packers), are doing just fine, thank you.

Sanchez in particular. The Yanks can’t seem to lose these days!

Better than fine. So fine that no one in New York or Green Bay seems to miss Favre.

You mean they don’t want their washed-up turnover machine back? BUT BRETT THROWS TEAM-BUILDING, ILLEGAL CHOP BLOCKS LIKE NO OTHER.

He was uncanny on third-and-medium-to-long. Watching the game, I kept think, He’s converting a lot of thirds.

I kept think, him play goodly.

Then I went back and looked at the gamebook. On the first seven third-and-seven or longer situations of his NFL career, Sanchez was seven of seven, converting five for first downs.

If Johnny Damon keeps this up, he’ll match Teddy Ballgame’s record!

Coach Brad Childress and offensive coordinator Darrell Bevell have figured a good way to preserve Brett Favre — don’t expose him to the kind of hits a quarterback normally takes.

It’s a brilliant strategy, really. He can’t get hit if he never throws the ball longer than two feet. It’s the kind of canny coaching move that helped make Tarvaris Jackson such a force in the league.

Here’s what I think: (Josh) McDaniels deserved some magic in his life.

Yes, Josh McDaniels did deserve some magic in his life, after willfully trading away his quarterback and alienating an entire state. Can’t this guy get a break after purposely ruining an offense? He’s more than earned the right to go to Disneyworld and ride on the teacups.

A head coaching job is supposed to be a reward for a long apprenticeship of hard work. And ever since McDaniels got this job, the Broncos led the league in headaches.

They need to do better in SMILES, dammit!

McDaniels has gone over lots of odd game situations in practice.

“So remember men, if the ball travels less than ten yards during an on-side kick, have those feces ready for facial smearing.”

Shockey hadn’t caught a touchdown pass in 22 months. In the span of three minutes against Detroit, he caught two. “Reminds me of my buddy Derek Jeter, trying to get that hit the last week or so [the hit that propelled Jeter past Lou Gehrig as the Yankees' all-time hit leader.] You just want to get it so people stop asking you about it.” Shockey said.

And that’s why Jeremy Shockey is the greatest player of my lifetime. What gumption.

The story of this great drought by a former star tight end, and how the drought ends, is a cute story

It is?

When it comes to Jeremy Shockey, I’ll only find it heartwarming when he’s found face down in the gutter outside the Hard Rock again seven months from now.

The Fine Fifteen

6. Chicago (0-1).

Did you not see the Bears attempt to play football last night, Peter?

Lovie Smith challenges that ranking.

8. Philadelphia (1-0). Bet you a grande hazelnut latte that Donovan McNabb plays Sunday against the Saints.

Okay, well Jay Glazer has already reported that McNabb is out for Sunday. You owe me a grande hazelnut latte, Peter. AND MAKE IT A DARK ROAST. ONE WHIFF AND I AM KING OF SUMATRA.

Quote of the Week I

“I watched Brett Favre today. Very impressive. Went the whole game without retiring.

-Jay Leno, interviewed by Bob Costas at halftime of NBC’s Sunday night game.

That’s just the kind of fresh, topical humor that keeps hospital patients too weak to reach a remote control coming back to Jay.

Offensive Players of the Week

Adrian Peterson, RB, Minnesota.

(microphone seized)

Ziegfeld Theater

I LOVE YOU ADRIAN, BUT REGGIE WAYNE HAD ONE OF THE BEST RECEIVIN’ DAYS OF ALL TIME! OF ALL TIME! Y’ALL KNOW IT! I AM TIRESOME AND UNTALENTED!

As much as he is celebrated (as least by me), Brees, I believe, is the most underappreciated player in football.

Drew Brees? That hack? The one who’s gone to three Pro Bowls, been given a $60 million contract by the Saints, was the first QB taken in most every fantasy draft, and is worshipped now by the entire state of Louisiana for both his great play and his charitable doings? Pfft. What a loser. Didn’t even know who he was until just now. Gimme Spergon Wynn any day over THAT asshole, King.

Trailing 16-13 in the fourth quarter, San Fran got a touchdown throw from (Shaun) Hill to Gore to, essentially, win the game. A clutch day for Hill.

It defined workmanlike.

Defensive Players of the Week

Patrick Willis, MLB, San Francisco. Willis is becoming the heir to Ray Lewis.

LOOK OUT! HE’S GONNA STAB A GAY!

Enjoyable, Aggravating Travel Note of the Week

Three German tourists walked into a Starbucks at Seventh Avenue and 55th Street in Manhattan Saturday morning.

HEY FUNBOYS, GET A LATTE!

This particular Starbucks is a touristy place. Two males, one female. One male had a little Canon camera and took a photo of the 50ish man and woman walking into the coffee shop, then of them in line at the coffee shop (from three different angles), picking up the drinks at the coffee shop, sitting at a table at the coffee shop. They noticed me staring in amazement at all the photos, and the photographer said to me, “Coffee!” I nodded. “Everyone likes coffee!”

“Hey fat boy, why don’t you follow me into this giant oven, yeah? WE MAKE GOOD LOFTWURST OUT OF YOU!”

Then he went over to the shelf with souvenirs on it and picked up a mug and held the mug in front of himself and took a picture of that.

You see all kinds of things in New York.

All kinds of boring, pointless things.

There is no way — and if I’m wrong on this, I will fire myself — that Crabtree would get picked better than 10th in the 2010 draft without playing this year and having the over-inflated salary demands he has.

C’mon, Al Davis. Make my dreams come true, you old bastard!

Keep playing like that, Tony Romo, and nobody will have to mention Terrell Owens anymore.

Tony, did you know Dan Patrick has a 1967 car?!

Brady Quinn held his own against a very good defense, but he hardly put a vice-grip on the starting job in Cleveland.

Well, unlike Peter, I actually watched that game and saw Quinn go full retard for four quarters, so I will dispute that he held his own.

I think the most interesting thing about the two new NBC guys is that they weren’t pining for the field at any point over the weekend. I asked Rodney Harrison during rehearsals Saturday at the NBC studios in New York if it felt strange to not be preparing to play a game for the first time on a September weekend in 30 years.

Funny, I heard Bob Costas ask the same question of Tony Dungy on air, WHEN ALL I WANTED WAS TO SEE HIGHLIGHT OF THE FUCKING GAMES. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT BEING ON TV. SHOW ME FOOTBALL, ASSHOLES.

Hines Ward hurting so much for fumbling near the goal line and almost blowing the Thursday-nighter. That’s the attitude I want in my franchise receiver — I want him to feel pain when he makes a huge gaffe. Shows how much he cares.

I want him to be willing to sever his own finger after disgracing his family’s name like that.

Tremendous Job of the Week By a Scribe: Mike Reiss of the Boston Globe (well, I can’t really say that anymore; Reiss goes to ESPNBoston as of today) performed one of the great services a football writer could perform on Thursday in the Globe’s NFL Preview section. He printed the starting lineups, including punter and kicker, of every team in the NFL That’s 768 pieces of very valuable information for his readers who really love football.

Or they could have simply looked up depth charts on any team’s website and not bothered to plunk down fifty cents for a dated, shitty newspaper that will go bankrupt.

Minnesota, with the best defense in the NFC, going against one of the worst offenses in football, giving the Browns a short field on a game-opening onside kick in Cleveland. Just dumb. If Cleveland starts at its 25-yard line 10 times against Minnesota, it might score once. Maybe twice. If it starts at midfield, it has to go 20 yards to get a field goal. The Browns went 31 yards and opened with a field goal. Why the onside kick? Why?

I’m not pasting this to make fun of Peter. I just wanted to reiterate the point: That was a putrid call and Brad Childress should be glad Lovie Smith was around last night to not make him look like the biggest retard to walk an NFL sideline. Jesus fucking Christ, what a stupid thing to do.

Jay Cutler surrendering not only four interceptions but also 129 interception return yards … to zero and zero for Green Bay. You think that wasn’t a huge factor in the Sunday-nighter?

No. I thought it was utterly incidental to the outcome.

I think every future Pro Football Hall of Famer needs to get a copy of Michael Jordan’s 22-minute induction speech Friday night at the Basketball Hall of Fame. Perfect. Just perfect.

Oh, you mean the one everyone called petty and vindictive?

What made Jordan’s speech so perfect was the overarching story of his career — this insane motivation he derived from everything — and the fact that he told stories. Story after story after story.

About longtime assistant Tex Winter trying to prevent Jordan from bighead syndrome by telling him there is no “i” in team, and Jordan responding, “Yeah, but there is an ‘i’ in win.”

It’s a great story, because he’s a selfish prick.

b. Re: Michael Jordan and the Hall of Fame. Well, I’ve got my Jordan story. I was a 25-year-old college basketball writer at the Cincinnati Enquirer in 1982, covering the Final Four. North Carolina beat Georgetown in New Orleans, and Jordan, a freshman, made the winning shot from the left elbow in the final seconds.

The next morning, early, a few writers (I remember college friend Tony Grossi of the Cleveland Plain Dealer) went out to the lakefront airport in New Orleans to see the team before it jetted back to Chapel Hill. There, we spoke to James Worthy and Matt Doherty about winning the title, and off in the distance I noticed Jordan, who’d thrown down the winning shot nine hours earlier, in a coat and tie with a shirt about three neck sizes too big, with his big gym bag slung over his shoulder, carrying a film projector in his right hand and eight or nine canisters of film in his left hand. Yes, film. Those were the days of real film, not videotape. I said to Doherty: “Why is Jordan carrying all that stuff?” Doherty said, “The freshman always carries the film and the projector.”

c. Read that, college coach enablers.

a. When Michael Jordan was a freshman, he had to do bullshit freshman jobs.
c. Talk about a unique way of doing things!
2. You should look into it sometime, you college coach jackals!

Keith Olbermann is very worried about A.J. Burnett. And he’s a big Yankee guy.

Olbermann is a Yankees fan? He roots for a heartless corporate behemoth that smashes anything in its way? HE’S RAPED MY LIBERAL VALUES!

a. Saw The Hurt Locker the other day

And I said to it, “Hurt Locker, you are a good movie and a likely Oscar contender.” What a democracy.

It’s one of the best you-are-there movies I’ve ever seen, and as you can imagine, a you-are-there movie about IEDs is rather enervating. A shame it’s on a limited run around the country.

As a result of movie studio EXTORTION!

Coffeenerdness: I tried to be a good citizen, Starbucks, and support your efforts in Africa by buying a pound of that “Red’ coffee you’re pushing.

Why wasn’t the dark roast used to help Africans? It’s the darkest blend they have!

I should have guessed it might not be my cup of coffee when the front of the bag advertised brown spices and citrus.

Those are not the flavors Peter wants in his coffee. He wants his coffee hot, and black, with just a soupcon of taint sweat.

Let’s just say the Red coffee is, well, an acquired taste. It would be better, Starbucks, if you just put a donation jar on the counter.

Next time, I’m making an empty societal gesture at Peatt’s!

First former SI guy Josh Elliott doing “SportsCenter,” and now Rick Reilly. Who’s next? Phil Taylor? Selena Roberts? Nice job, Rick.

Nice job, you ASSHOLE.

This week, we’re holding the third annual KSK Kares Kharity Drive to support Matt Ufford’s participation in Fight Gone Bad, which raises money for the Wounded Warrior Project and Athletes for a Cure. Please donate at Ufford’s fundraising page.