Everyone needs a little smut in their lives. Unless of course you happen to think that stuff will make you gay. For the rest of you, consider this a reminder to send in submissions for this week’s Fantasy Football and Sex Advice Mailbag. Do you want to know how to gain the forgiveness of a sexual partner whom you chided for being too easy? Well we already have a question about that (seriously), so think of something else between now and tomorrow morning. Remember, the ‘bag doesn’t put itself together, so try to get your submissions to us in a timely manner.

Image via Cleavage Lover

Tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick…

I don’t think I like these new energy efficient light bulbs. They have this fancy new design that makes it look like some kind of pasta noodle, but why? Why design the glass part of the bulb to look like the screw part of the bulb? How do we know which end to stick into the socket? If we really wanted to be energy efficient, we’d all settle for candle wax stains in our carpeting. Read the rest of this entry »

This is a child. It’s not my child, but for our demonstration, this child will do. Few non-parents know this, but children are actually Jedi. It’s true. Allow me to illustrate their technique. Let’s say a child wants a cookie. Here is how they will go about procuring it.

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Wade: Gall darnit! Openin’ night and we go out and play a game like that. I am perplexed. How do you get 250 damn yards rushing and STILL lose? It’s gonna be a long week.

(opens package of cupcakes)

Ooh, Hostess cupcakes. My wife told me that there’s a fancy word for the icing on top of these. GANACHE. How you like that? Here I am, think I’m eatin’ a cupcake with frosting, when really it’s a French delicacy! Oh, the simple pleasures.

(eats cupcake)

Mmmmm. Well, life ain’t all bad, I guess. It was only the second game. If we just play SMARTER, I think we can live up to our potential. The pieces are there! We just gotta bear down. And that starts right after I finish this delicious, chocolatey, ganachey…

(door flies open)

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WHORING! GET YOUR WHORING RIGHT HERE! Captain Caveman links for your enjoyment. First up: I made my first-ever appearance on Dan Levy’s most recent On the DL podcast. He asks me some questions about the Marines before we get down to talking television and the NFL. What a nice young man he is.

If you need a pubescent face to go with that pubescent voice of mine, good news, because Blogs with Balls 2.0 tickets are now NOT insanely expensive like before. I guess the HHR Media people swindled ESPN into sponsoring part of the new media circle jerk, so now it’s only $100. Go HERE to get a discount code. Limited time only.

And last but not least, a Fight Gone Bad update: I practiced sumo deadlift high pulls this morning, and it was misery, sheer misery. This Saturday is gonna suck out loud. So you have that to look forward to. Thanks again to everyone who donated.

Mayhap it has something to do with the Dolphins having a two-minute drill (actually, they started their final drive with 3:17 remaining) that makes Andy Reid salivate for something other than a 20-piece family meal from Popeye’s, plus two Quizno’s footlong mesquite chicken with bacon subs with extra meat, plus one large Trough O’ Lard. It’s that bad.

And it was kind of amusing to watch, this Dolphin failure, if you could block out the forthcoming analyst pant-moistening at Pey-Pey winning DESPITE HIS OFFENSE HAVING THE BALL FEWER THAN 15 MINUTES!

Or, conversely

MANNING
NURSING HOME
FROTTAGE

More wack-wack-wackiness after le jump.

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Oh, Colts and Dolphins, you’re just one of those contests that was so much more interesting before everyone figured out how to stop Miami’s gimmicky bullstein. Besides, the Dolphins don’t matter when it’s high time for the Pierre Garcon breakout game! You know it. I know it. It’s gonna be just like Mario Manningham with the Giants last night.

Or not. But we’ll try to look surprised when DFC and Reggie Wayne get open when they should be double covered.

All right, kidlets – we’re firing up the Kkakemobile (“It’s the only car that needs a windshield wiper on the INTERIOR!”) and cruising down the HOV lane of the Dick Joke Expressway (formerly Matlock Expressway). I don’t have an EZ Pass, so you humps gotta pitch in for tolls.

Much has been made of the many eye-opening features at the new Cowboys Stadium, and rightly so. I thought we’d already seen everything the stadium had to offer, and then we were treated to the cage dancers. That development got us wondering what other features Jerry Jones tried to cram into the stadium. After a little bit of digging we managed to come up with a list of proposed stadium features that didn’t make the cut for a variety of reasons.

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When we last left kettle-chip engulfing landmass Peter King, he was praising Michael Jordan for giving the worst Hall of Fame induction speech in history, AND he once again found a way to work Derek Jeter’s name into a football column. What about this week? Will Peter teach Dr. Z to tweet using only his tongue? Will he again experience the soothing luxury of an AirTran flight? HAVE THE KIT KATS MAINTAINED THEIR INTEGRITY? Will he suggest the Browns draft Tim Tebow #1 overall next year? Wait, he did that?. Jebus.

Anyway, time to do our thing. But first, a reader encounter with the lofty one. Reader Bob writes in…

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