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Sorry Bob, coffee is for closers and Gatorade is for players.

I’m taking a break from calling all Las Vegas area hospitals in a search for a presumably suicidal Unsilent Majority to bring you the SNF open thread. Tonight the Colts are making their first trip to Arizona since 1990 (Jeff George! Timm Rosenbach!).
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The Steelers have won eight straight at Paul Brown Stadium and The Ben has gotten his PEW on in his home state of Ohio, amassing a record of 11-0 there as a pro (a point which will NEVER BE MENTIONED DURING THIS GAME). However, last week the Bengals notched a rare pre-Week 7 victory by virtue of five sacks by previously little-known defensive end Antwan Odom, so pretty much everyone has hopped on them this week to pull another upset. Not to mention Spongetech stock is soaring.

Ocho has vowed to make Steelers corners Ike Taylor and William Gay “kiss the baby” and announced that he has a Spanish-themed TD celebration in the works should he reach the endzone. By that, I mean he intends to take a three-hour midday siesta. Mostly likely, though, he plans to have Chris Berman make 18 more painful and repetitive jokes via satellite about ESPN’s new Countdown weatherlady, Marisol.

Last week: “When it’s raining, Marisol, I’m going to call you Parisol.” (laughs to himself)

This week: “Again, when it’s raining, Marisol is Parisol.” (face almost explodes over his hilarity)

flubby: “Also, parasols are used when it’s sunny.”

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Since I have kids, I usually get up at 7AM every day these days, if not earlier. That means I gotta wait SIX GODDAMN HOURS BEFORE any real football is played.

/door flies open

/smug Californian brags about being able to watch the games at 10AM, then having the night free to sip white wine on the veranda

/smug Californian disappears up own large intestine

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For this Very Special Finale of Sexy Friday, I thought we’d roll out the mysterious amateur web model that so many of you have admired a few times before. Below, see the full gallery of li’l miss Tits McGee, read how this came to be the final episode of Sexy Friday, and learn what brand new feature we’ll be introducing that could possibly replace attractive women.

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It’s an extra special week for my gambling habit, because I’m heading out to Vegas this afternoon. Somehow I’ve never been in Vegas during football season, so this is the weekend I finally rectify that situation. I’m not going with my group of righteous bros to show everyone how hard we throw down. Instead I’m going in my capacity as a blogger–and lover of both food and sports gambling–to check out the new Lagasse Stadium at the Palazzo.

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Everyone loves a strong armed quarterback who can pinpoint throws with surgical precision into the interstitial spaces between a swarm of defenders into the welcoming hands of a receiver. Therefore we can conclude that no one likes Chad Pennington nor Philip Rivers, and not only because Rivers is a dick and Pennington is nice to the point of being off-putting. No, they offend the eye with their bloop passes, even if Marmalard can somehow throw them 60 yards. For those who do tune into this game, please allow an additional four hours of viewing time for passes to land. Anyway, WHO YA GOT?

YOU RAN THE BALL AT STABBY ST. BULLETTOOTH HERE WITH ENOUGH MUNITIONS TO START HIS BREAKAWAY REPUBLIC CALLED GOD’S COUNTRY! LIKE, THAT WOULD BE THEIR OFFICIAL TITLE AT THE UN – GOD’S COUNTY. GEE TO THE MUTHAFUKKIN CEE!

A couple recurring themes this week, in both the letters we answer and the multitudes upon multitudes we simply didn’t have room or time for. Primarily, fantasy owners are worried about the slow starts from Matt Forte and Steve Slaton, and a surprisingly high number of you don’t know if you should start Felix Jones even though Marion Barber pulled his quadriceps. Oh, and you all have messed up notions of what women should be willing to do in the bedroom, but that’s nothing new.

Let’s kick things off with an email that will make you feel better about your miserable life, shall we?

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Former Super Bowl hero Plaxico Burress was reportedly met by a number of jeers and catcalls from fellow inmates when he was taken to Riker’s Island prison to begin serving his sentence for weapons violations. This isn’t too surprising considering Burress’ notoriety and the high-profile criminal case against him. KSK has more than a few readers inside NYC’s “sixth borough” and they shared some of the comments directed toward Burress yesterday.

“You’re a dead man. This is the world’s largest concentration of Jets fans.”

“Any man who drops a pass spends a night in the box.”

“The Michigan State Alumni Group meets on Tuesdays at 2:45, near the basketball courts.”

“I must admit I didn’t think much of Plaxico first time I laid eyes on him. He might’a been important on the outside, but in here he was just a little turd in prison grays. Looked like a stiff breeze could blow him over. That was my first impression of the man.”

“Charlatan!!!”

“Don’t worry, you can still make regular visits to LQ. Locked-up Queens, that is!”

Jets Fan: Honey, you seen my keys?

Wife: They’re in the drawer.

Jets Fan: Why do you always put them in the drawer? I use ‘em every day! Now I gotta go open the drawer every freakin’ time!

Wife: Oh, you’ll live.

Jets Fan: We’ll have words, woman.

(phone rings)

Jets Fan: Huh. I don’t recognize that number. Eh, what the hey. I’ll answer it.

(flip phone flies open)

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