In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Ochocinco into his home in a spirited attempt to get the two men to understand one another.

Marvin: Hey, Chad! Chad! Where are you? We’ve got an uppers-only practice! Let’s go!



Ocho: Hang on, Coach! Hang on! Just gotta finish this one thing, then I be on the dillywilly.

Marvin: What are you doing? Are you on that computer again?

Ocho: (comes downstairs) Coach, coach, please. Don’t be a bobo. I am NOT computin’. I am meetin’ and tweetin’.

Marvin: I keep telling you, you use that Twitter too much.

Ocho: I told you before, Coach! I don’t do this for ME. I dot his for the PEOPLE. America wants to know what the Ocho thinks. America wants to know what’s on Ocho’s mind! Did you know most people on Twitter agree with me that miniature buses need better schooling?

Marvin: I… wait… what?

Ocho: We got all these big adult buses driving all over town, but we don’t think about the small buses. We don’t think about their babies.

Marvin: Buses don’t have children.

Ocho: Yes, they do! I see those little buses all over town, carrying little retard kids with teeth sticking out of their foreheads. How do you think those buses came into the world?

Marvin: Through manufacturing.

Ocho: Nuh-uh! I’m telling you: Big buses be fuckin’.

Marvin: No, that’s incorrect. Buses are not mammals. They are vehicles built by people. The reason there are smaller buses is because some buses, like hotel shuttles, do not need to have such a large seating capacity. There are not buses having sex and then giving birth to very small buses.

Ocho: Yeah, but you don’t KNOW that.

Marvin: Yes I do.

Ocho: You can’t know that! How do you know one bus ain’t givin’ it to another bus right in the tailpipe? That’s why buses are so long and hard all the time! I’ve seen those little school buses grow into adult school buses.

Marvin: No, you haven’t. Remember our lesson about distinguishing between imagination and reality?

Ocho: All I’m saying is that little buses COULD grow into big buses and maybe play in the Super Bowl one day. They could!

Marvin: But they don’t.

Ocho: But they could!

Marvin: But they don’t.

Ocho: But they could!

Marvin: But they don’t.

Ocho: But they could!

Marvin: But they don’t.

Ocho: But they could! I have a bus following me on Twitter! Look right here!
(whips out Blackberry) Bus Cook. That’s a bus!

Marvin: That’s a person.

Ocho: But he could be a bus DRESSED as a person! (sings) BUS GUY! THE BUS DRESSED LIKE A GUY!!!!

Marvin: I’m done talking about this. I don’t want you using that Twitter anymore. It’s distracting you.

Ocho: Can’t do it, Coach. Can’t do it. Got big plans for the Twitter this year. BIG PLANS.

Marvin: I don’t want you tweeting in the locker room. I’ve already told you that.

Ocho: Oh, I ain’t gonna tweet in the locker room. Check this: Live tweeting during every play.

Marvin: No! Absolutely not!

Ocho: What’s the big deal? It’s not like I’ll be giving the play away.

Marvin: Chad, listen to me. Away from work, you can do anything you please. I don’t care. But when you’re on the field, I need you focused.

Ocho: But I will be focused! My plan is simple, coach. I’m going to go out onto the field and give every play 100%. Then, while I’m playing, I’ll also be watching the game from home, giving people live updates on the Twitter feed. You see how that works?

Marvin: … … …

Ocho: Coach?

Marvin: I’m sorry. My head imploded there for a moment. So, you’re suggesting that you will be home WHILE you’re also playing in the game, is that correct?

Ocho: Yeah! What’s the big deal?

Marvin: Are you aware that you’re only one person? That you only possess one body?

Ocho: So?

Marvin: So, it’s not physically possible for you to be sitting at home WHILE you’re also playing in the game. You can’t do that.

Ocho: Yes, I can.

Marvin: No, you can’t.

Ocho: Yes, I can.

Marvin: No, you can’t.

Ocho: Yes, I can! Look at this!

IMG_0082

Marvin: That’s a Fathead of you.

Ocho: That’s right! Look at that. Here I am, here. And there I am, THERE. It’s no sweat, Coach.

Marvin: Okay, that’s a photograph of you, printed onto paper. It’s not actually you.

Ocho: Sure it is! Hi, Ocho!

Marvin: THE PHOTO ISN’T MOVING!

Ocho: That’s because I’m so surprised to see me! AND I’m so focused on ctaching the ball! You see, Ocho here will be at the game, while I stay home and do all the tweeting.

Marvin: That’s not you!

Ocho: No? See, I think it’s me. Gorgeous face. Sculpted body. I’d fuck me if you weren’t around. Matter of fact, I did this morning while you were sleeping.

Marvin: That is a FATHEAD. It is an object. It has a picture of you on it. It cannot move. It cannot tweet. It cannot play football. It cannot do anything except sit there helplessly while you dry hump it.

Ocho: It can take the bus.

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. YOU GODDAMN BRICK. I TELL YOU EVERY FUCKING WEEK, CHAD. BUSES ARE NOT ALIVE. THEY DO NOT COPULATE AND PRODUCE CHILD BUSES. AND YOU ARE A SINGULAR ENTITY. JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE TAKES A PICTURE OF YOUR BIG STUPID FACE DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE BEEN CLONED. AND THAT’S A GOOD THING, BECAUSE YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT. IF SOMEONE WERE TO CLONE YOU, WE’D ALL BE FUCKING DOOMED. THAT’S HOW FUCKING RETARDED YOU ARE.

WE START THE SEASON IN FOUR FUCKING DAYS, CHAD. I AM FIGHTING FOR MY JOB HERE. I COULD LOSE MY JOB AND HAVE TO UPROOT MY FAMILY. AND HERE I AM, STANDING IN THE HALL, TRYING TO CONVINCE YOU THAT THE MOVIE “MULTIPLICITY” WAS NOT A DOCUMENTARY. YOU STUPID, MORONIC, EMPTY-HEADED FUCK!

Ocho: See, I think you’re wrong. I’mma have Ocho Cinco Dos over here tweet Ray Lewis during the game to ask.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.