brandii-breaston

The jailbait in the photo is someone who commenter FEAST claims is named Brandii Breaston, which doesn’t sound like a real name to me at all. You may recognize her from this Sexy Friday. We rolled her back out because our last letter today features teenage female masturbation, and I prefer to think of Brandii — if that is here real name — as underage.

But first, this question:

If you guys are so smart about sex and football, explain to me why I can’t get my wife to blow me during Monday Night Football?

flubby: I dunno, someone beat you to it?

BOOM. Roasted.

Let’s get on with this. Up next, an update from the 29-year-old gentleman who wondered if he should accept the advances of the 20-year-old he once babysat.

At the behest of everyone calling me a pussy I manned up and had my 20 year old former babysittee over this past weekend. I sprung for the bus ticket and everything. I commend each of you, because that shit was awesome and the twinge of guilt I wrote in about vanished as soon as she sat on my lap. I am thinking of making this a not-infrequent occurence. Thanks KSK/Kommenters.

Fantasy: Welker @ Jets, A. Bryant @ Buf, Jennings vs Cin, Coles @ GB, Breaston @ Jac. I can start three.
– small town

Welker and Jennings are no-brainers. Antonio Bryant’s been having trouble with his knee, and also he’s Antonio Bryant. Fucking useless bastard (NOTE: I own him for the second straight year, yay!). However, all my seething hatred aside, I don’t particularly like Breaston as a third option. I’d actually lean toward starting Bryant.

Hey KSexK Sages
fantasy: start Jason Campbell vs. Rams or Matt Schaub versus Ten,

Egad. Campbell?  Depends on whether you want to go with the more favorable matchup, or the “Texans will be behind so Schaub will be throwing it a lot” approach.

and 5 choose 2, slaton, fred jackson, j-stew, caddy williams, ronnie brown.

Can you people PLEASE include matchups when you send in questions? *looks up schedule*

Okay, I’d go with Slaton, Fred Jackson, and Cadillac. A lot of people are down on Slaton after that horrendous showing in Week 1. Keep in mind, though, that that’s a Jets defense that may very well be stingier than the Titans this year. And Slaton’s a first-round pick in most leagues — it’d be knee-jerk reaction to bench him after just one week. (None of those five are terrible options though.)

sex: Is it worth it to fuck 2 one night stands in one night, if the second one is a 4/10, who you’ve fucked before with, and a crazy bitch? Got into this situation last weekend, and decided against it.
thanks,
broncos fan

Unsilent Majority says: My immediate reactions…
– That’s not a one-night stand.
– Asking somebody to validate your decision to pass up sex is annoying.
– Ranking women on a scale of 1-10 is for assholes.
– Columbia is for annoying assholes.
[this was regarding the sender's email address]
– Fuck the Broncos

Oh, and Schaub should get it going, but Cortland Finnegan is the type of cornerback who can slow down Andre Johnson. Might be a good idea to look into a third option. Didn’t want to forget the fantasy advice.

Funkmasters of Flex,

PPR league, flex position, do I start Kevin Smith against the purple pickle eating/sniffing vikings or do I go with Addai against the faggots from Miami?

Blech. Addai, I guess.

I usually clean the pipes to youporn atleast once, maybe twice a day. I basically never get to know myself better without the use of internet video because it just makes the process easier than using my spank bank. The girlfriend thinks that 1. it’s a problem that I never crank it without a computer and 2. I do it way too much. She is wrong, right?
-Just some fucking guy

Unsilent again: No, women suddenly acquired a deeper understanding of male masturbatory habits than men.

Yes, she’s wrong.

I would add this: If your girlfriend thinks you’re masturbating too much, maybe you should try having more sex with her more often. Also, if you only ever jerk it to porn (and that often), you’re setting yourself up for potential problems with your sex life down the road. Not serious David Carradine-type problems, just the kind of problems where it’s ten years later, you no longer have the youthful horniness, and you can’t get it up for your wife unless you fantasize about porn when you’re with her. Something to consider. Try it the old-fashioned closed-eyes style from time to time, using the mental “highlight reel” from your sexual experience.

Gentlemen,

Football: For my league’s bizarre qb/wr/rb flex spot, should I go with a gametime decision Matt Cassell, or LenDale? Also, how fucked up is a league in which such a flex spot exists?

Fuck, man. Is this the league where QBs get six points for throwing touchdowns and an extra point for Monday night games and a fumble is only -0.5 points if it’s raining UNLESS someone in the league posts a YouTube video of camels fighting llamas? I can’t keep every condition of every league straight, you know.

I’ll say this: I watched about half of the Jets game last week, and the Texans’ run D looked fairly stout, but I’m still starting LenDale this week — over LaDainian Tomlinson, who’s already injured again. Surprise. Hey, did you ever notice how LaDainian and LenDale both have a capital L and D in their names? Good story, right?

Sex: My lovely girlfriend is recovering from a yeast infection. She’s finished taking her antibiotics, and says she’s perfectly healthy. But I can’t get past the mental images of grossness and have relations with her yet. Although logically I’m sure she’s clean, how can I convince myself to get back on that horse?

Start kissing her and fondling her breasts. Your penis will take it from there.

Sex-Type Thing- Question: I am a reasonably attractive (I swear, I am at least an 8), intelligent, confident female who enjoys football very, very much. I have a raunchy sense of humor (I read you guys, right?), am a good cook, never nag, and am pretty sane. My question is, why do guys always insist they want to date a woman like me, but end up with less attractive women who not only like Lifetime movies over MNF, but are usually bitchy and nasty too?

[Insert "Why do squirrels swim on their backs" joke /dick joke here]

Oh, I think I know that joke. Q: Why do squirrels swim on their backs? A: Because they grew up admiring Olympic gold medalist Lenny Krayzelburg.

Lady, the commenters are gonna have a field day with you: no one’s an 8 without photo evidence. Everyone thinks they’re more attractive than they really are, because when they look in the mirror they know the way to pose to make themselves look the best. And everyone gives themselves an extra point because they think their scintillating personality raises them up to a higher plane of attractiveness. Well, it doesn’t.

Embarrassing anecdote to prove my point: when I moved to New York, I very briefly tried online dating, because I only knew three people in the city and whatever fuck you I don’t have to justify it. I would send funny, entertaining messages to attractive women who I thought were my equals in looks, and they never responded back to me. And I got messages from women who I thought weren’t attractive enough to date. The reality is you’re probably not an 8. But it’s okay: I’m not an 8 either. I think that I am, but in reality I’ve got terrible bags under my eyes, I’m super pale, and I’m losing the battle with the post-30 spare tire.

Of course, I could be wrong. I’m completely talking out of my ass here. If you’re actually good-looking and sane and you cook and don’t nag and you like football, yet men don’t want to date you, then by all means leave your phone number in the comments section. You’ll be flooded with suitors — all of them self-proclaimed 8s who will be below your standards.

Football question: Do you think it is even remotely possible that my home team, the Saints, can possibly win the Super Bowl this year? I mean even a .0005% chance. Because I am thinking, if we cannot do it now with Drew Breejus the offensive machine, it’s never, ever gonna happen.
Thanks,
Ann Rice, er- I mean, L.A. Woman

Absolutely it’s possible. In fact, the Saints are on pace for a 16-0 season.

Okay, sex first. No this is another “how do I get anal” or “does this girl who clearly doesn’t like me like me”? This is more a general question. I don’t think I like blowjobs. I’ve gotten a fair number of attempts (a decent number, 15 or so girls have tried), but its only once in a blue moon that they are able to finish me off, and one girl ever, who I dated for two years and took it as a personal challenge, could do it with any consistency (still once in a blue moon). My question is twofold: Is this unusual, given the fair number of girls who have taken a crack at it, or could it just be that I’ve been cursed with poor fellators? Second part of the question: is there any good way to parlay this into straight-up sex when hooking up with a girl for the first (or second, or whenever) time, rather than letting her try (and fail) to get me off from a bj?

is it unusual to not come from blowjobs? No, not at all. Many men, accustomed to getting off from the jackhammer of sex and masturbation, have trouble with the somewhat more intricate act of fellatio — and many women never learn a good technique. Which is why I recommend dating a Jewish girl.

Anyway, there’s still a lot to enjoy about blowjobs — so tell your gal that you like it as foreplay on the way to sex.

Now Fantasy: I have both Joseph Addai and Donald Brown as a handcuff in an 8 team league with a lot of freely available talent. Question is, is it worth it to keep either of these when I’ve got Portis, Kevin Smith, and Steve Slaton available to take up my 2RB and 1 RB/WR position, and no backup QB. Should I cut either (or both) of these given how terrible they both looked in the opener? It doesn’t seem like any of the running back problems from last year have been fixed. Giving some perspective about the players available on Waivers include Matt Hasselbeck, Jonathan Stewart, Tim Hightower, Lance Moore…
Thanks,
BJ TwoColt

Fuck me if I know. But I wouldn’t want to have both Addai and Brown and no backup QB.

Football: As fortune would have it, I was obliged to be at a business event out of town in late August and away from a computer at the exact time my fantasy league was drafting. I’m in a long standing league with a bunch of buddies who took advantage of my predicament to try to screw my draft in every way possible. Despite their best efforts I ended up with a decent running back tandem (Jacobs, Westbrook), a reasonable WR core (White (ATL), Bowe, Houshmandzadeh) and good supporting figures (Clark TE, Longwell K, Giants D). But I am weak at QB (Schaub, Delhomme).

And how!

So on the basis of week 1 performance should I offer a trade to one of my buddies who has 3 QBs (Rodgers, Romo, Cassel)? Is a straight Schaub/Romo trade a good deal given he has Forte and Portis as his 2 RBs and played Rodgers as his QB in Rd 1?

Well, it would certainly be good for you. But your league mate would be insane to make that trade based only on Week 1 performance (which is NOT to say that Romo will have a better year than Schaub, mind you). Before the season I was excited about Schaub breaking out this year; now I’m worried about him breaking down. Still, barring season-ending injuries, I think the best thing to do is NOT rush a trade after the first week of the season.

Or are there better offers out on the waiver wire (one guy has Campbell & Eli (I can see Kogod biting on this one?))

I don’t know who’s on your waiver wire, but probably not.

Sex: OK, here’s where it gets interesting. (I can hear you salivating).

Actually, you can’t. I don’t start salivating when someone says a sex story is interesting. Gonna need some more information, pal.

My wife and I are both on our second marriage. We both brought a child to the relationship (she a sixteen year old girl, me a ten year old boy). We are all – after all having suffered a couple of years of divorce hell – really, REALLY happy together. Joy permeates our household. We love each other very much, and our kids get on, my wife loves my son, I love her daughter, it’s all good times in our place.

So, last week I came home from work one lunchtime, which I don’t often do. I was walking through the house and happened to see my step-daughter in her room masturbating excitedly

/salivating

while wearing my college football jersey and nothing else. Luckily I recognized what was happening quickly enough to move on without her noticing or seeing me and left the house before she knew I had been at home. When I got home that night my jersey was back in its rightful place in my dresser. I was sure what happened – there are no other Sydney University Rugby No 15 sweaters in our house.

I have no intention of mentioning this incident to my stepdaughter- she deserves her sexual privacy – and I sure as hell won’t mention it to my wife who has no need to know. We have a pact not to interfere with our children’s sexual development unless we see it step outside the normal, and this is not abnormal. But I wonder – and this is where your inspired, depraved minds may come in – where is the point at which a young girl’s sexual fantasies may affect her relationships with her authority figures? I want to be her confidant and friend, but not her fantasy. Am I overstating things to think that she fantasizes about me because I saw her masturbate while wearing my rugby jumper once? I don’t know. You’re more in touch with sixteen year olds than I am – thought I’d ask,
-jimbo

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to assume that she was masturbating to you, but I wouldn’t assume that for my own sanity.

I have to ask: is she hot? Because OH MAN that would be trouble. Knowing that your hot underage stepdaughter was masturbating to you. Sleeping in tiny little shorts in that bedroom down the hall. Leaning over the table wearing that tank top that makes you uncomfortable. Walking around in a towel after a shower. Oh ho ho, that would be a fiery hell. I love it.

This week, we’re holding the third annual KSK Kares Kharity Drive to support Matt Ufford’s participation in Fight Gone Bad, which raises money for the Wounded Warrior Project and Athletes for a Cure. Please donate at Ufford’s fundraising page.