‘My Teenage Stepdaughter Is Masturbating to Me’: the KSK Sex/Fantasy Football Mailbag
The jailbait in the photo is someone who commenter FEAST claims is named Brandii Breaston, which doesn’t sound like a real name to me at all. You may recognize her from this Sexy Friday. We rolled her back out because our last letter today features teenage female masturbation, and I prefer to think of Brandii — if that is here real name — as underage.
But first, this question:
If you guys are so smart about sex and football, explain to me why I can’t get my wife to blow me during Monday Night Football?
flubby: I dunno, someone beat you to it?
BOOM. Roasted.
Let’s get on with this. Up next, an update from the 29-year-old gentleman who wondered if he should accept the advances of the 20-year-old he once babysat.
At the behest of everyone calling me a pussy I manned up and had my 20 year old former babysittee over this past weekend. I sprung for the bus ticket and everything. I commend each of you, because that shit was awesome and the twinge of guilt I wrote in about vanished as soon as she sat on my lap. I am thinking of making this a not-infrequent occurence. Thanks KSK/Kommenters.
Fantasy: Welker @ Jets, A. Bryant @ Buf, Jennings vs Cin, Coles @ GB, Breaston @ Jac. I can start three.
- small town
Welker and Jennings are no-brainers. Antonio Bryant’s been having trouble with his knee, and also he’s Antonio Bryant. Fucking useless bastard (NOTE: I own him for the second straight year, yay!). However, all my seething hatred aside, I don’t particularly like Breaston as a third option. I’d actually lean toward starting Bryant.
Hey KSexK Sages
fantasy: start Jason Campbell vs. Rams or Matt Schaub versus Ten,
Egad. Campbell? Depends on whether you want to go with the more favorable matchup, or the “Texans will be behind so Schaub will be throwing it a lot” approach.
and 5 choose 2, slaton, fred jackson, j-stew, caddy williams, ronnie brown.
Can you people PLEASE include matchups when you send in questions? *looks up schedule*
Okay, I’d go with Slaton, Fred Jackson, and Cadillac. A lot of people are down on Slaton after that horrendous showing in Week 1. Keep in mind, though, that that’s a Jets defense that may very well be stingier than the Titans this year. And Slaton’s a first-round pick in most leagues — it’d be knee-jerk reaction to bench him after just one week. (None of those five are terrible options though.)
sex: Is it worth it to fuck 2 one night stands in one night, if the second one is a 4/10, who you’ve fucked before with, and a crazy bitch? Got into this situation last weekend, and decided against it.
thanks,
broncos fan
Unsilent Majority says: My immediate reactions…
- That’s not a one-night stand.
- Asking somebody to validate your decision to pass up sex is annoying.
- Ranking women on a scale of 1-10 is for assholes.
- Columbia is for annoying assholes. [this was regarding the sender's email address]
– Fuck the Broncos
Oh, and Schaub should get it going, but Cortland Finnegan is the type of cornerback who can slow down Andre Johnson. Might be a good idea to look into a third option. Didn’t want to forget the fantasy advice.
Funkmasters of Flex,
PPR league, flex position, do I start Kevin Smith against the purple pickle eating/sniffing vikings or do I go with Addai against the faggots from Miami?
Blech. Addai, I guess.
I usually clean the pipes to youporn atleast once, maybe twice a day. I basically never get to know myself better without the use of internet video because it just makes the process easier than using my spank bank. The girlfriend thinks that 1. it’s a problem that I never crank it without a computer and 2. I do it way too much. She is wrong, right?
-Just some fucking guy
Unsilent again: No, women suddenly acquired a deeper understanding of male masturbatory habits than men.
Yes, she’s wrong.
I would add this: If your girlfriend thinks you’re masturbating too much, maybe you should try having more sex with her more often. Also, if you only ever jerk it to porn (and that often), you’re setting yourself up for potential problems with your sex life down the road. Not serious David Carradine-type problems, just the kind of problems where it’s ten years later, you no longer have the youthful horniness, and you can’t get it up for your wife unless you fantasize about porn when you’re with her. Something to consider. Try it the old-fashioned closed-eyes style from time to time, using the mental “highlight reel” from your sexual experience.
Gentlemen,
Football: For my league’s bizarre qb/wr/rb flex spot, should I go with a gametime decision Matt Cassell, or LenDale? Also, how fucked up is a league in which such a flex spot exists?
Fuck, man. Is this the league where QBs get six points for throwing touchdowns and an extra point for Monday night games and a fumble is only -0.5 points if it’s raining UNLESS someone in the league posts a YouTube video of camels fighting llamas? I can’t keep every condition of every league straight, you know.
I’ll say this: I watched about half of the Jets game last week, and the Texans’ run D looked fairly stout, but I’m still starting LenDale this week — over LaDainian Tomlinson, who’s already injured again. Surprise. Hey, did you ever notice how LaDainian and LenDale both have a capital L and D in their names? Good story, right?
Sex: My lovely girlfriend is recovering from a yeast infection. She’s finished taking her antibiotics, and says she’s perfectly healthy. But I can’t get past the mental images of grossness and have relations with her yet. Although logically I’m sure she’s clean, how can I convince myself to get back on that horse?
Start kissing her and fondling her breasts. Your penis will take it from there.
Sex-Type Thing- Question: I am a reasonably attractive (I swear, I am at least an 8), intelligent, confident female who enjoys football very, very much. I have a raunchy sense of humor (I read you guys, right?), am a good cook, never nag, and am pretty sane. My question is, why do guys always insist they want to date a woman like me, but end up with less attractive women who not only like Lifetime movies over MNF, but are usually bitchy and nasty too?
[Insert "Why do squirrels swim on their backs" joke /dick joke here]
Oh, I think I know that joke. Q: Why do squirrels swim on their backs? A: Because they grew up admiring Olympic gold medalist Lenny Krayzelburg.
Lady, the commenters are gonna have a field day with you: no one’s an 8 without photo evidence. Everyone thinks they’re more attractive than they really are, because when they look in the mirror they know the way to pose to make themselves look the best. And everyone gives themselves an extra point because they think their scintillating personality raises them up to a higher plane of attractiveness. Well, it doesn’t.
Embarrassing anecdote to prove my point: when I moved to New York, I very briefly tried online dating, because I only knew three people in the city and whatever fuck you I don’t have to justify it. I would send funny, entertaining messages to attractive women who I thought were my equals in looks, and they never responded back to me. And I got messages from women who I thought weren’t attractive enough to date. The reality is you’re probably not an 8. But it’s okay: I’m not an 8 either. I think that I am, but in reality I’ve got terrible bags under my eyes, I’m super pale, and I’m losing the battle with the post-30 spare tire.
Of course, I could be wrong. I’m completely talking out of my ass here. If you’re actually good-looking and sane and you cook and don’t nag and you like football, yet men don’t want to date you, then by all means leave your phone number in the comments section. You’ll be flooded with suitors — all of them self-proclaimed 8s who will be below your standards.
Football question: Do you think it is even remotely possible that my home team, the Saints, can possibly win the Super Bowl this year? I mean even a .0005% chance. Because I am thinking, if we cannot do it now with Drew Breejus the offensive machine, it’s never, ever gonna happen.
Thanks,
Ann Rice, er- I mean, L.A. Woman
Absolutely it’s possible. In fact, the Saints are on pace for a 16-0 season.
Okay, sex first. No this is another “how do I get anal” or “does this girl who clearly doesn’t like me like me”? This is more a general question. I don’t think I like blowjobs. I’ve gotten a fair number of attempts (a decent number, 15 or so girls have tried), but its only once in a blue moon that they are able to finish me off, and one girl ever, who I dated for two years and took it as a personal challenge, could do it with any consistency (still once in a blue moon). My question is twofold: Is this unusual, given the fair number of girls who have taken a crack at it, or could it just be that I’ve been cursed with poor fellators? Second part of the question: is there any good way to parlay this into straight-up sex when hooking up with a girl for the first (or second, or whenever) time, rather than letting her try (and fail) to get me off from a bj?
is it unusual to not come from blowjobs? No, not at all. Many men, accustomed to getting off from the jackhammer of sex and masturbation, have trouble with the somewhat more intricate act of fellatio — and many women never learn a good technique. Which is why I recommend dating a Jewish girl.
Anyway, there’s still a lot to enjoy about blowjobs — so tell your gal that you like it as foreplay on the way to sex.
Now Fantasy: I have both Joseph Addai and Donald Brown as a handcuff in an 8 team league with a lot of freely available talent. Question is, is it worth it to keep either of these when I’ve got Portis, Kevin Smith, and Steve Slaton available to take up my 2RB and 1 RB/WR position, and no backup QB. Should I cut either (or both) of these given how terrible they both looked in the opener? It doesn’t seem like any of the running back problems from last year have been fixed. Giving some perspective about the players available on Waivers include Matt Hasselbeck, Jonathan Stewart, Tim Hightower, Lance Moore…
Thanks,
BJ TwoColt
Fuck me if I know. But I wouldn’t want to have both Addai and Brown and no backup QB.
Football: As fortune would have it, I was obliged to be at a business event out of town in late August and away from a computer at the exact time my fantasy league was drafting. I’m in a long standing league with a bunch of buddies who took advantage of my predicament to try to screw my draft in every way possible. Despite their best efforts I ended up with a decent running back tandem (Jacobs, Westbrook), a reasonable WR core (White (ATL), Bowe, Houshmandzadeh) and good supporting figures (Clark TE, Longwell K, Giants D). But I am weak at QB (Schaub, Delhomme).
And how!
So on the basis of week 1 performance should I offer a trade to one of my buddies who has 3 QBs (Rodgers, Romo, Cassel)? Is a straight Schaub/Romo trade a good deal given he has Forte and Portis as his 2 RBs and played Rodgers as his QB in Rd 1?
Well, it would certainly be good for you. But your league mate would be insane to make that trade based only on Week 1 performance (which is NOT to say that Romo will have a better year than Schaub, mind you). Before the season I was excited about Schaub breaking out this year; now I’m worried about him breaking down. Still, barring season-ending injuries, I think the best thing to do is NOT rush a trade after the first week of the season.
Or are there better offers out on the waiver wire (one guy has Campbell & Eli (I can see Kogod biting on this one?))
I don’t know who’s on your waiver wire, but probably not.
Sex: OK, here’s where it gets interesting. (I can hear you salivating).
Actually, you can’t. I don’t start salivating when someone says a sex story is interesting. Gonna need some more information, pal.
My wife and I are both on our second marriage. We both brought a child to the relationship (she a sixteen year old girl, me a ten year old boy). We are all – after all having suffered a couple of years of divorce hell – really, REALLY happy together. Joy permeates our household. We love each other very much, and our kids get on, my wife loves my son, I love her daughter, it’s all good times in our place.
So, last week I came home from work one lunchtime, which I don’t often do. I was walking through the house and happened to see my step-daughter in her room masturbating excitedly
/salivating
while wearing my college football jersey and nothing else. Luckily I recognized what was happening quickly enough to move on without her noticing or seeing me and left the house before she knew I had been at home. When I got home that night my jersey was back in its rightful place in my dresser. I was sure what happened – there are no other Sydney University Rugby No 15 sweaters in our house.
I have no intention of mentioning this incident to my stepdaughter- she deserves her sexual privacy – and I sure as hell won’t mention it to my wife who has no need to know. We have a pact not to interfere with our children’s sexual development unless we see it step outside the normal, and this is not abnormal. But I wonder – and this is where your inspired, depraved minds may come in – where is the point at which a young girl’s sexual fantasies may affect her relationships with her authority figures? I want to be her confidant and friend, but not her fantasy. Am I overstating things to think that she fantasizes about me because I saw her masturbate while wearing my rugby jumper once? I don’t know. You’re more in touch with sixteen year olds than I am – thought I’d ask,
-jimbo
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to assume that she was masturbating to you, but I wouldn’t assume that for my own sanity.
I have to ask: is she hot? Because OH MAN that would be trouble. Knowing that your hot underage stepdaughter was masturbating to you. Sleeping in tiny little shorts in that bedroom down the hall. Leaning over the table wearing that tank top that makes you uncomfortable. Walking around in a towel after a shower. Oh ho ho, that would be a fiery hell. I love it.
This week, we’re holding the third annual KSK Kares Kharity Drive to support Matt Ufford’s participation in Fight Gone Bad, which raises money for the Wounded Warrior Project and Athletes for a Cure. Please donate at Ufford’s KSK Kares Kharity Drive to support Matt Ufford’s participation in Fight Gone Bad, which raises money for the Wounded Warrior Project and Athletes for a Cure. Please donate at Ufford’s fundraising page.
Tags: captain caveman, mailbag, the KSK football sex advice mailbag
September 17th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Antibiotics for a yeast infection? Someone is not telling the truth.
September 17th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Last paragraph CC: Just wrong man.
September 17th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
Stepdad: Any chance she just likes rugby players? Or Sydney University? Or the number 15? I’m trying to come up with anything that preserve your fragile sanity.
September 17th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
(Everyone Cheers)
September 17th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
Per the step daughter thing. I had a similar situation happen with a foreign exchange student that was staying at my house. That way lies madness, sailor.
September 17th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
Best. Mailbag. EVER
“young lady! are you masturbating to me? You are doing it wrong!! You should be wearing my Brooks Brothers bankers shirt, I look much better in that”
September 17th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
Best case scenario? Dude holds off until she’s 18, wears her teenage ass out, his wife finds out and divorces him. His life is ruined.
Worst case scenario? Dude waxes that ass like Raindance right now, his wife finds out and has him arrested. His life (and asshole) are ruined.
September 17th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Rugby is not football.
September 17th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Hey step-dad, you might want to check and see if she marked her territory on your jersey.
Just take a big ol’ whiff of it and let us know.
September 17th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
@8/10 Lady: Funny how that works. I say the same thing about girls.
September 17th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
Post updated with a slightly more detailed blowjob answer.
September 17th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
Oh, and about the 29 year-old guy with the 20 year-old girl: Well done. I’ve recently discovered the joys of college-age girls. (I’m 31). It’s a win-win. They’re young and hot, I have my own place and a hot tub.
September 17th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
Dude was a 15? pffft. That’s the punter of rugby. Puss.
September 17th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
GOOD LORD.
September 17th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
Summary:
I am in [completely normal sex situation, need to stop jerking it]. Is that weird?
save the last one:
There’s a chance your stepdaughter likes the male phermones you left on your clothes, or likes rugby players, or the idea of being with a rugby player. When my gf and I have videophone sex (long-distance thing; story another time), she likes wearing my cologne-spritzed soccer shirt. Just offering a thought.
September 17th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
Post updated with a slightly more detailed blowjob answer.
Think you’ll ever have to write a sentence like that again?
September 17th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Someone please tell me they know the name of that girl in the pic. Pretty sure she’s the same girl in one of those singles ads. So some “ametuer” model.
September 17th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Post updated with a slightly more detailed blowjob answer.
Think you’ll ever have to write a sentence like that again?
The only way he’ll ever know how Dan Savage feels.
September 17th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Temptation is a dress rehearsal for tragedy.
September 17th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
LA Woman says she’s an eight? No offensive, if she’s an LA 8 she better have her own TV show. (And reality shows do not count.) Admitting you are an LA 6 and a New Orleans 8 might help expand your list of potential suitors. Men don’t always want “one of the guys” despite their claims that they do. Respect that – I know I wouldn’t want to date a guy who came to my Jane Austin book club – and move on to the next dude.
(Disclosure – Pittsburgh 8 who fell right down to an LA 5, looking more like a 4 as the clock ticks on.)
September 17th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
@Jimbo: Has it occurred to you that maybe she’s not fantasizing about being *with* you, she’s fantasizing about *BEING* you. Would that help? Not in the slightest? Well, I tried.
September 17th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
Anti-biotics give you Yeast infections. They are not used for treatment.
September 17th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
@ Just some fuckin guy – CC said it – if she thinks it’s a problem, she needs to service you more often.
@ Yeasty – Have some fun in the shower washing up first. It obviously won’t do anything if there is still a problem, but it will help with the cleanliness factor ( psychologically ).
On a side note Gern, I’m not a gyno, but I’m fairly certain antibiotics aren’t uncommon for those.
@ Ann Rice – link to pics please. I’m not a supermodel, but I’m really skeptical of a self-proclaimed 8.
@ Fellatio Guy – It may be the girls. There isn’t really a such thing as a bad BJ, but i didn’t have a really good one until I was 26. If a hookup chick is willing to put your penis in your mouth, she’d most likely be willing to have sex with you too.
@ Rugby guy – I got nothing for you. I wouldn’t ever mention it to anyone outside of this website though.
September 17th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
Ho. Ly. Tits.
September 17th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
If her “home team” is the Saints, she’s not hot. Sorry y’all.
September 17th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
Girls like the one pictured are the reason guys get into trouble with underage women.
September 17th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
Blow job guy: I know many guys (myself included) who have had the same problem. There are a a lot of girls out there who aren’t good fellators. When I finally found a woman who could consistently get me off I married her.
September 17th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
You can curse me with all the poor fellators you want
September 17th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
rocco they named her last year during a blogkkakke, apparently that chick LOVES FEAST
September 17th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
Poor fellators are the best, because they are hungry.
September 17th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
@L.A. Woman- How much does a polar bear weigh?
September 17th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
I recommend dating a Jewish girl.
Quoted for truth. This might be the only good reason I’ve heard for going to Emory since I graduated from Emory. And Jimbo: you. are. fucked.
September 17th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
@ Liz – eh, i had it backwards. Thanks for clearing that up.
September 17th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
Solid Bag’ this week….and the Pic is lovely.
Oh and @Computer Jack-o-Lot …….are you saying she is asking you for more nookie and you would rather pound the pud?
September 17th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
Matt’s right, a lot of dudes treat blowjobs as foreplay, really, really good foreplay. But seriously, if a girl will blow you, she’ll fuck you, so move right along there.
September 17th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
To the guy with the stepdaughter: tell your wife. See what she thinks. It’s her daughter, and while you may not want to interfere with her sexual development you may still want to be informed. Openness and honesty are the foundations of any successful relationship; I know you may feel awkward about this, but she should know.
September 17th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
@cpm – No worries. A high dose of any member of the ‘cillin’ family will completely ruin your month.
September 17th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
Yeast guy – dump some flour in there then pee on her. Allow 45 minutes to double in size, then brush with olive oil and bake.
September 17th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
Also, stepdaughter guy…if internet porn has taught me anything, all you have to do is hook up with the girl when you know the mom will walk in. She will freak out, but only because her daughter is doing it wrong. She will then show her the proper way while you have a wonderful threesome.
September 17th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
RE “Asking somebody to validate your decision to pass up sex is annoying.”
Yes, yes it is.
RE “I am a reasonably attractive (I swear, I am at least an 8), intelligent, confident female who enjoys football very, very much. I have a raunchy sense of humor (I read you guys, right?), am a good cook, never nag, and am pretty sane. My question is, why do guys always insist they want to date a woman like me, but end up with less attractive women who not only like Lifetime movies over MNF, but are usually bitchy and nasty too?”
Um, I think the last sentence says more about you than anything else. Other women are less attractive than you, according to you. They’re also bitchy and nasty (whatever the hell “nasty” means, what are you, 12?), again, according to you. Maybe (probably) you’re not nearly as awesome as you think are. At the very least, you seem kinda egotistical, supercritical of others and judgmental. Some guys don’t really like those qualities in a girlfriend. A one-nighter, sure. But if they have to sit around and listen to you yap about how bitchy and nasty and unattractive other women are compared to you, that shit gets old quick.
RE stepfather: Yeah, I’m stumped on this one. Never had a stepdad, so I can’t really relate. And I don’t understand the wearing of the jersey thing. Another unsettling possibility: maybe she was making a picture/video to send to some guy in Australia. Or something… I have no advice here, sorry. I’d like to say this probably has nothing to do with you, but that seems unlikely, given the circumstances. Maybe she just really likes rugby.
September 17th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
BJ guy: If you’ve had 15 try, and all but a couple fail, you’re just not that into blowjobs. But keep the numbers of the girls who got it right.
Rugby guy: You forgot to send pictures.
29 Getting Off on 20: Good for you. You forgot to send in pictures. (Hey, you got good advice, you should thank us properly.)
September 17th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
To the stepdad: I too have a stepdaughter who I love, and what I would do in your situation is take that image and bury it somewhere very, very deep down inside you where it can, ever never surface or see the light of day again. Tell no one. It never happened. And hide your jersey somewhere too.
September 17th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
Per the yeast infection, a good bit of those come about from excess fluid exchange during oral sex on a woman. If you haven’t dropped on her lately, get a little suspicious.
September 17th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
Is Brandii Breaston related to CeCe Peniston?
September 17th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
I vote the stepdaughter one as the greatest non-Ryan Huff-related mailbag question ever.
September 17th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
our kids get on, my wife loves my son, I love her daughter
The Aristocrats!
September 17th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
Jimbo,
Have the jersey migrate to a secure and undisclosed location (hide it fairly well) and do something subtle so you can see if it is moved again. If the jersey remains unsought out and unmolested then just drop the issue and bury it like Cock Flashy says. If your stepdaughter hunts it down you might need to tell your wife. I’d leave out the part about not telling her right away though. Make it seem like a just happened kind of thing.
September 17th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
Am I the only one who envisions Jimbo’s daughter wearing a No. 2 jersey once she reaches the career-building stage of her life?
September 17th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
RE Cock Flashy Says:
“To the stepdad: I too have a stepdaughter who I love, and what I would do in your situation is take that image and bury it somewhere very, very deep down inside you where it can, ever never surface or see the light of day again. Tell no one. It never happened. And hide your jersey somewhere too.”
I agree. Don’t tell the wife. It’s not YOUR secret you’re keeping and it doesn’t involve criminal activity, so there’s no moral dilemma there. And if stepdaughter really doesn’t know you saw her, there’s no reason to bring it up.
September 17th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
Oh god no Aristocrats jokes – it could go on all weekend if Drew wanted the joke to.
September 17th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
Can we get a consensus that step-dad should completely ignore Rice-a-Tony? Telling the mom/wife sounds like an awful idea (unless we enjoy blowing up The Aristocrats because they are happier than we are).
September 17th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
Actually, in their last meeting, Andre Johnson pretty much owned Finnegan to the tune of 10 or 11 catches. Finnegan’s good, but he’s no Asomugha.
September 17th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
@TheStarterWife: Its not your fault the hottest people from around the US move to LA because they think they will become successful models or actresses. In fact if it weren’t for that phenomenon many of the readers of this site would not be enjoying all that porn that they spank to. I lived down in lalaland for a couple years and needless to say have not had a hotter girlfriend since I left.
September 17th, 2009 at 5:59 pm
Blowjob guy: I’m pretty sure every guy in the generation of “youporn” has a harder time cumming b/c of the porn and the chronic masturbation etc…
Speaking of Fantasy, I’m in an ESPN league this year, and it’s SOOO much better than Yahoo.
http://whowhatwherewheny.wordpress.com/2009/09/14/how-espn-is-winning-the-fantasy-football-war/
September 17th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
All the witty replies I have for the stepdad make me seem like a pervert.
September 17th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
um, since “LA woman” is a Saints fan, isn’t it reasonable to assume that “LA” refers to Louisiana, not Los Angeles?
September 17th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
@Stepdad:
DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE. That is the worst idea ever.
Here’s how to handle this:
1) Somewhere in your internet travels you’ve come across some image that was meant to be hot and instead was just really really disturbing. What did you do? What we all do: shudder and think about something else. Keep telling yourself that’s all that happened: You saw some bad porn. Shake it off.
2) In some remarkably unsubtle way throw that rugby thing out in a way your stepdaughter notices, like announce to your family that you’re taking a bunch of clothes to Goodwill, “like that old jersey of mine.” Ask everyone to chip in clothes they no longer want. Look right at stepdaughter as you say that the rugby jersey is going away.
She will either A) get the hint immediately or B) get so paranoid she never does anything like that again.
September 17th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
God damn to the picture girl
September 17th, 2009 at 6:11 pm
@ Who is “Good Will”: I thought his question was how to avoid her becoming completely screwed up. I’m no psychologist, but I’d imagine that being busted by your stepdad – in front of the whole family – for your unusual masturbation practices would be slightly scarring for a teenage girl. Such scarring can only lead to her becoming a super-duper, extra slutty chick with daddy issues. Which doesn’t sound terrible to me, but remember, stepdad is trying to AVOID that outcome.
September 17th, 2009 at 6:11 pm
If I lost some weight, had minor elective surgery and stopped boozing, I might be an 8.
September 17th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
Uh…wow. Maybe she just REALLY likes Jemaine Clement.
/checks IMDB
…New Zealand?? Oh man. Sorry dude, I got nothing.
Somewhat off-topic: I’d like to thank UM for routinely railing against the stupid ‘1-10′ ranking scale. I always thought it was odd, and my friends would constantly rag on me for thinking otherwise.
September 17th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
@Step-deflowerer: One more vote here to NOT tell anyone. If it really becomes an issue for you, talk to a licensed therapist/psychologist, but for the love of Vishnu, leave the rest of your family out of this. Chances are good this will pass quickly (her apparent infatuation with you), so let it go (into a tissue, if necessary).
September 17th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
RE Who is “Good Will?” Says:
“2) In some remarkably unsubtle way throw that rugby thing out in a way your stepdaughter notices, like announce to your family that you’re taking a bunch of clothes to Goodwill, “like that old jersey of mine.” Ask everyone to chip in clothes they no longer want. Look right at stepdaughter as you say that the rugby jersey is going away. She will either A) get the hint immediately or B) get so paranoid she never does anything like that again.”
I agree except for this. Don’t make a big deal about it to the stepdaughter. Then she’ll think you spy on her special sexy alone time. No good can come of that. Don’t mention “the jersey.”
September 17th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
AWESOME mailbag. Jimbo… do NOT tell anyone about this. It sounds like the premise to another Poison Ivy sequel. Sixteen is a weird age, and letting the kitty out of the bag could cause severe psychological and emotional trauma to the girl.
September 17th, 2009 at 6:16 pm
@ Mo Charlo – you must have never been to Baton Rouge, alot those hot LSU co-eds are Saints fans, not saying she is one, but Saints do have some hot ass fans
September 17th, 2009 at 6:18 pm
Natrone Means Business – I’m not complaining. Even in my “hot” days I did well, and now I’m married and out of the dating pool.
ozmodiar – I doubt that The Doors sung “LA Woman” about someone from Louisiana. But maybe you’re right.
September 17th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
Stepdad – Tell your wife. I don’t know why anyone would tell you not to. It has less to do with the behaviour of your stepdaughter, and way more to do with the fact that it obviously makes you uncomfortable that you saw this. Like most everyone has said, you haven’t done anything wrong, and you certainly weren’t encouraging your stepdaughter to do this, so there should be no reason for your wife to be upset or for you to keep this from her. If you tell her, the two of you can discuss it, and decide what to do together, if anything. But definitely tell her. If you don’t, it will probably drive you crazy thinking about it and make for a very awkward living situation.
LA Woman – In my experience, many women who insist they are just “one of the guys” are actually trying to compensate/make excuses for whatever personal insecurities they have about their own femininity. Let it be pointed out that by “in my experience” I mean my own personal experience as having done this in the past, as a woman. My advice? Embrace the fact that you are, in fact, a woman, and probably do have some quite girly tendencies. Despite what men might claim, they actually LIKE girls. If they wanted a guy, they would be gay. And yeah okay, other girls totally suck, but that’s always true no matter what. Also, chances are, close to all of your guy friends secretly want to fuck you, even the ones with girlfriends/wives. That’s just how guys think. Hope that helps!
September 17th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
If you can wake up at 6:30am and start drinking beer to watch football at 7am and still want to fuck me sometime DURING one of the games, then by all means come down to visit me this season in Hawaii. If we hit it off, we have KSK to thank and they’re all invited to the wedding.
September 17th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
@ small town,
Congratulations!
Now I fucking hate you. :(
September 17th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
@ Step-Dad. Ignore the ” advice ” to tell your wife. That is a BAD idea. As in ” Bad Idea Jeans ” bad. (Ol SNL skit). Let the mom catch her and all will be resolved. (And if she asks “no honey, I had no idea what she was doing “)
@ Chronic Masturbater – it’s only a problem if you prefer self-pleasure over doing it with your G/F. Let’s be honest, there are two types of men in this world: those who masturbate and those who lie and say they don’t. Try new techniques, new positions, new places to do it. Real woman > Internet any day.
September 17th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
Sex-Type Thing- Question: I am a reasonably attractive (I swear, I am at least an 8), intelligent, confident female who enjoys football very, very much. I have a raunchy sense of humor (I read you guys, right?), am a good cook, never nag, and am pretty sane. My question is, why do guys always insist they want to date a woman like me, but end up with less attractive women who not only like Lifetime movies over MNF, but are usually bitchy and nasty too?
I’m just gonna copy this whole thing, so I can focus.
Dear Female Writer,
The laws of guy picking females says the following:
A girl can
- Hot
- Rich
- Sane
Pick two.
If you’re hot and sane you must be dirt poor?
In any case, guys don’t PICK the lifetime movie watching women who are mean and nasty, that’s just what women inevitably seem to turn INTO, after they think they have you for life and turn off the sexual spigot. They seem to need validation that their turning bitter is in fact normal and is what they’re supposed to be doing.
In any case, guys, if you want to know what your wife will be like in 10 years, here’s the easy way to figure it out. Observe her mom for half a day. Because ALL girls eventually turn into their mothers.
September 17th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
My writing sucks, but eh.
PS : For those who want to chastise me and tell me that you can pick between a woman being hot/sane and SMART, yes, I know this, but come on, I’m not going to make a joke on the poor girl and call her stupid, now am I? So I altered it slightly.
In all seriousness, girl, keep looking. Most guys are douchebags, but there are some who enjoy women like you. What’s your mom like?
September 17th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
Re Zack
“Am I the only one who envisions Jimbo’s daughter wearing a No. 2 jersey once she reaches the career-building stage of her life?”
Must be just you and me!
September 17th, 2009 at 6:44 pm
Step-daddy,
If she’d been wearing your daily work suit while getting herself off, I’d say yes, she’s thinking about you. However, a COLLEGE FOOTBALL (Rugby? Which is it?) sweater? Come on man. She’s not fantasizing about your old ass, she’s fantasizing about whatever hunky college football/rugby player she saw the other day at the mall, or whatever professional athlete has her fancy, or something like that.
Heck, for all you know, she just likes to wear that sweater because it keeps her warm while she’s doing it, and it’s roomy enough to not bother her while she’s getting herself off.
So I wouldn’t worry. As long as she’s not moaning “Oh God, DADDY!!!” I think you’re fine.
That said, 16 year old girls masturbating is DEFINITELY a fucking kickass mailbag, and I THANK YOU, good sir. Thank you thank you thank you!!!
Lofty question.
September 17th, 2009 at 6:50 pm
RE hothotpot Says:
“Stepdad – Tell your wife. I don’t know why anyone would tell you not to. It has less to do with the behaviour of your stepdaughter, and way more to do with the fact that it obviously makes you uncomfortable that you saw this. Like most everyone has said, you haven’t done anything wrong, and you certainly weren’t encouraging your stepdaughter to do this, so there should be no reason for your wife to be upset or for you to keep this from her. If you tell her, the two of you can discuss it, and decide what to do together, if anything. But definitely tell her. If you don’t, it will probably drive you crazy thinking about it and make for a very awkward living situation.”
The thing is, there’s nothing to “do.” Other than “borrowing” the jersey, I don’t see what the stepdaughter did as a problem, necessarily. It’s kinda creepy, but teenagers are kinda creepy. He inadvertantly saw her engaged in sexual activity, which isn’t necessarily a problem, either. Shit happens when you live with other people. I say leave it alone by not mentioning it. Absent any other odd behavior (like her making inappropriate comments to him/about him), I don’t see any reason to make this an issue.
September 17th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
Oh and step daddy, do not fucking tell anyone. Don’t tell your wife. Don’t tell your daughter. For the love of God, do not do something fucking insane like “make an offhand remark about the jersey to see how the daughter will react.”
That works in Hollywood, maybe, not in real life.
She was in her own room masturbating and she logically expects her own room to be PRIVATE. If you bring up, in any way, shape or form, that you saw her, she’s going to think she has no privacy AND she’s going to think you’re spying on her, and she’ll get really pissed off that her own room isn’t safe for things like that anymore.
The jersey thing is a bit odd, but like I said, there can be any number of reasons why she wore it. Put it in a different place and see if it ever moves. Fold it in a complicated way, that way you can always tell if she grabbed it.
Don’t tell her mom, because her mom is going to think she needs to do something about it, is going to berate her daughter for it, and tadaaa, you’re back in the same spot where your step-daughter thinks you’re perving on her and she’ll be majorly pissed that she can’t masturbate in her own room.
She wasn’t thinking about you. Hide your sweater somewhere else. Don’t worry about it anymore. Chase your wife around the bedroom a few times, problem solved.
September 17th, 2009 at 7:06 pm
ROAR LION ROAR!
September 17th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
Pirate Sloth – I caught on a previous post that you live on Kauai. I feel better knowing I’m not the only one who wakes up at 6 on Saturday and Sunday to start boozing for football.
September 17th, 2009 at 7:11 pm
@Brady Quinn Cooks Socks: Glad someone got that. I actually feel pretty bad for poor Jimbo.
September 17th, 2009 at 7:35 pm
“Heck, for all you know, she just likes to wear that sweater because it keeps her warm while she’s doing it, and it’s roomy enough to not bother her while she’s getting herself off.”
what, no one else here has jerked off while wearing just a jersey? Fabric so soft and smooth, like a manly satin.
…it was a jersey, right?
September 17th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
Unexplored stepdad theory: she’s into the accent (not you?).
Bury it and tell no one. If it’s an issue, her mom will find out without your involvement.
September 17th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
3 things: 1) HOLYSHITTHEPICTUREATTHETOP. Other than the link provided, any more where that came from?
2) The first e-mail is just bragging, but mazel tov on Rosh Hashana for him.
3) The 3rd e-mail can go 2 distinct directions. Horror movie or porn movie. Good luck keeping the status quo.
September 17th, 2009 at 7:51 pm
Those at those bujubblies. Now suck it!
September 17th, 2009 at 7:54 pm
Stepdaughter guy: This is a very delicate situation to deal with. I would not bring it up with your stepdaughter since it might just make the situation more akward.
In regards to your wife, It really depends on what type of person she is. Some women would be really confused about why you would tell them this information and wonder why you told them to begin with. Your daughter is 16, it is not that weird for her to be masterbating. This could potentially screw up your marriage, if your wife overreacts. What I would do is leave the situation alone for awhile and not bring it up. If it goes away, it goes away.
If it does not, you might have to bite the bullet and then tell your wife.
September 17th, 2009 at 8:28 pm
Is it wrong that I got a boner when I thought about the potential jailbait-incest porn that could be made?
September 17th, 2009 at 8:48 pm
@StarterWife: Even though I am not a native I have spent 3 months in Louisiana this year for work and calling it LA is common. You know with LA being the abbreviation for the state…
@jimbo: a fullback? Think of what your step-daughter would do to herself if you had played in the front row
‘my wife loves my son’ = I see a rusty trombone in some young man’s future
September 17th, 2009 at 9:26 pm
I’m also a chick who loves football and doesn’t nag. But I wouldn’t call myself an 8…more like a 6.5. Boys like girls with a lot up top and I ain’t got that.
@Slash: I don’t necessarily think “Ann Rice” is trying to say she’s better than everyone. I’ve noticed a LOT of my friends with the propensity for b*tchiness/occasional or frequent nagging are in relationships. The saying goes that men love b*tches, right?
September 17th, 2009 at 9:47 pm
@BJ TwoColt re.: Problems getting off with blowjobs. Your problem might be related to a little story, let me preach on. A midget married a lovely woman of normal proportions. On their wedding night, she, very seductively, disrobed for him. As she approached her diminutive husband, he fled screaming into the bathroom. Rather put off, the new bride asked her husband to come out of the bathroom. He refused. She asked him if he would please make hot, sweaty love with her. He refused. When she asked why not, he stammered, “With lips that big, that thing’s got to have teeth.” You, sir, have the deeply Freudian fear of having your manhood munched off. Have a nice day.
September 17th, 2009 at 10:28 pm
@Brady’s other Mama: Not all boys like a lot up top, because some of us are old enough to see what that looks like at 35.
September 17th, 2009 at 11:13 pm
@Brady’s Other Baby Mama: Hey… How YOU doin’?
September 17th, 2009 at 11:14 pm
@jimbo: so what’s more disturbing… your stepdaughter masturbating, potentially about you, or all of KSK masturbating to your stepdaughter (and imagining she looks like Miss Ton-of-Breasts up there?)
September 17th, 2009 at 11:28 pm
@Joe Sixpack: Amen
September 18th, 2009 at 12:10 am
I don’t mind if you’re smallish on top, as long as your smallish on the bottom too. :)
Yeah, if that dude tells his wife he caught the daughter…not good. People talk about honesty and openness in relationships. There is also recognizing when NOT to talk about something. IE, do you really tell your wife how proud you are of the size/shape of your most recent shit? I doubt it. This is in the same category: it’s not relevant to anyone’s relationships, and it’s a loss of privacy. If your stepdaughter is on your bed, wearing only the jersey, when you come home, then you need to speak to the wife. Unless you oblige the stepdaughter.
RE: blowjob guy, I used to have that same problem. Now, I happen to love blowjobs, no matter if I get off, so I never complained about it. However, I have noticed in the past 2 years I’ve met some girls that gave great head. One girl admitted she learned technique from a book (!!!).
Part of being able to get off quickly in a blowjob involves being able to let your brain go. Find that no-thinking-zone and just enjoy the sensation, and enjoy watching the girl go to town. Some girls will do stupid shit that you won’t feel, but looks sexy, so it’s fun and hot, and leads to faster release.
Do you play music when you fool around? I find music disrupts my brain and enjoyment. Other people like music and it’s enhancing. Figure it out, and use the one that doesn’t distract.
September 18th, 2009 at 12:20 am
I prefer “fellatrix” and “fellatrixes.” Fellators are dudes, right?
September 18th, 2009 at 12:32 am
Stepdad, You don’t have to tell anybody else. You were able to get it off your chest to a bunch of anonymous chuckleheads like us. You’ve vented and let it be never spoken of again.
Until we find out your wife reads KSK.
September 18th, 2009 at 2:48 am
This is my favorite mailbag so far.
September 18th, 2009 at 3:12 am
@ Rock Hard Rick Austin:
Have a nice day!
September 18th, 2009 at 4:42 am
LA Woman: I wish I was your friend in real life, because then I would know you well enough that I could be brutally honest with you, and tell you why the guys aren’t attracted to you. But I don’t know you in real life, so I have no idea.
Stepdaughter Guy: Do NOT tell your wife. Don’t talk to the stepdaughter about it either. Just pretend that it never happened, that’s the safest option. This is a phase that she’ll get over in due time. Anything that you do in response to this situation will only make things worse. Ignore it. It never happened.
Captain Caveman: You’re having trouble dating? It must be NYC. There are parts of the country where all you would need to do in order to get laid is walk up to a woman and say, “I was in the Marines. I served in Iraq.” And then watch as her panties get soaking wet.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:46 am
“I have no intention of mentioning this incident to my stepdaughter- she deserves her sexual privacy – and I sure as hell won’t mention it to my wife who has no need to know.”
Surely no one on the internets will know that I played Rugby at Sydney University and wore number 15. Did I mention that I wanted to keep this private AND that I played rugby at Sydney University and wore number 15? Ok, well I respect my step daughters privacy in this matter and also I played rugby at Sydney Univeristy and wore number 15. I can’t emphasize either of these points enough.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:09 am
@Stepdad,
wear the jersey at the dinner table, mowing the lawn, lounging around the house….everywhere.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:10 am
@Unsilent: yes, anyone with a columbia.edu email address is indeed an asshole.
/CC’94 & football alum
September 18th, 2009 at 10:38 am
Next week’s mailbag: How do I get my 16-year old stepdaughter to try anal?
September 18th, 2009 at 11:16 am
For the chick who thinks she’s an 8 and loves talking about how her raunchy sense of humor is so great and then drops that dumb fucking squirrel joke:
a) Your sense of humor is not that raunchy, and regardless of raunch-level, is unsatisfactory.
b) You are definitely not an 8.
c) You clearly think that sending in this email to a sports website is going to get you alot of spanky, digg-type worship from sad internet dudes who are going to bolster your ego and tell you that you’re totally an overlooked jewel. You are not. In fact, you probably reek in real life of desperation. A girl who doesn’t understand why boys won’t date her is a girl who is lying to herself. Thus, your state of undateability is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
d) Chick-hate from other chicks is lame, and renders you a douche.
These are all reasons dudes won’t date you. Please become funnier, hotter, and nicer to your fellow women, because often they are instrumental in hooking you up with guys. Also fuck the Saints.
Love,
A married 4
September 18th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Serious answer for stepdad: Ignore it.
Let he who has not jacked it, at least once, to something completely unexplainable, throw the first stone.
She’s 16 years old, she’s jackin’ it. I’m cool with that.
September 18th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Jimbo is obviously a fake. But what a hot picture at the top of the mail bag!
September 18th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
My father got married when I was 18. I got four new stepsisters. Did I jack it to my new stepsisters? Yes. Yes I did.
And you would have too, when you were 18.
September 18th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
Seriously, for all the people telling the step-dad to talk to his wife about it, because they “dont’ see how she could be upset”…. Have you met women? Ever? Are you aware of their imperviousness to logic and reason? There is no way that ends well for anyone. Keep it to yourself and hope it was nothing, and try your damnedest to forget it.
If it becomes a “problem” for some reason down the line, THEN you can try and deal with it, and I would recommend a .38 special to your brain if that situation arises.
September 18th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
RE: Blowjobs,
I gotta say that i love a good BJ, i mean really, really love it but I too, cannot bust my load on pure mouth to penis stimulation. Nope I need a sloppy spitting and shoe shine (if you know what I mean) to launch my ballistic pearl attack. So I wouldn’t worry about it. As for your masturbating to much with the computer, I would try to slow down, lest you end up sneaking the computer into the room with you as you have sex and then sneak glances at it to help you finish. Or writing Ctrl-Alt-Delete on your woman’s ass as bang her.
September 19th, 2009 at 2:27 am
For those of you who have never read the words of “Big Black Richard”, Heed the words. Heed them very well.
BBR is dropping wisdom. Wisdom, I say.
September 19th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Why would you even consider telling your wife or “announce” that your giving your jersey to goodwill? That would just decrease the chances of you catching her again.
September 20th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
Everyone here that wrote in saying that stepdad should not tell the wife is insanity personified. The real clue here came from the one comment that suggested that women are immune to logic and reason. Imagine this senario with the wife.
Stepdad’s wife goes around the house and collects all kinds of laundry around the house. She picks up the rugby shirt and takes a good look at it, gives it the perfunctory “does it definitely need washed” sniff, but instead of it smelling like man-sweat it smells like sex and va-gine. She will then realize that she did not wear this nor he during any recent lovemaking – therefore wrongfully assume that Stepdad is having an affair.
So…. I strongly suggest to Stepdad that he must go to the wife in a preemptive strike so that she doesn’t assume the worst.
September 21st, 2009 at 3:05 pm
RE: Bobman
“Seriously, for all the people telling the step-dad to talk to his wife about it, because they “dont’ see how she could be upset”…. Have you met women? Ever? Are you aware of their imperviousness to logic and reason? There is no way that ends well for anyone. Keep it to yourself and hope it was nothing, and try your damnedest to forget it.”
As a matter of fact, I AM a woman. And I have met quite a few more. And all I know is if I was the wife in this situation, I would appreciate my husband telling me. I’m not even suggesting that there’s anything they need to do about it. It just seems to me that it was bothering step-dad enough that he wanted to talk about it here and get some advice, so it seems logical to me that he should be able to tell his wife without her flipping her lid.
Oh, and by the by, I just LOVE when men complain that women are impervious to logic and reason. It shows such a total and deep understanding of the way the female mind works and completely makes me (and others) believe that you truly know what you’re talking about in any situation, especially those relating to women.
One last thing – Step-dad, seriously try talking to your wife instead of a bunch of moronic internet strangers. After all, there has to be a reason you married her in the first place, right?
September 21st, 2009 at 4:31 pm
I garon – effing – T that the reason he married her was NOT so that he could tell her that he saw her daughter pleasurig herself. I also lay strong odds on the wife not accepting his explanation as to how he came to observe said circumstances. Dude, do not tell your wife. Or anyone. Ever.
September 24th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
STEPDAD – From another stepdad. Ask yourself one question. Is there any benefit to telling anyone (other than a counselor) what you saw? The obvious answer is NO! Telling your wife will make for a strange situation. Picture this, “Honey, I caught Lisa masturbating with my rugby jersey on. I’m not sure what it means if anything but it creeped me out a bit”. If she does not flip out it will still make for a strange situation. God forbid Mom feels the need to talk to the daughter. OH JEEZ that’ll go over well!
@ HOTHOTPOT I disagree with you whole heatedly. Like I said what good would come from him telling anyone ever!