vandalism

The home of Buffalo Bill Leodis McKelvin was vandalized after the kick returner’s fumble cost his team a win over the New England Patriots. According to authorities in Hamburg, NY, someone spray-painted obscenities and the game’s final score on the player’s lawn. Head coach Dick Jauron called the act “despicable”, but cautioned that a search would be fruitless waste of time and resources. “Whoever did this horrible deed– a gang of teenagers, no doubt– is probably hundreds of miles away by now. As a community we need to turn the page and forget this whole sordid affair,” said Jauron, eyes darting side to side.

McKelvin’s fumble allowed New England to overcome an 11 point deficit in scarcely more than two minutes. The Bills have now lost their last three Monday night games by a total of four points. But despite these devastating losses Buffalo fans have, until now, been considered a forgiving lot. McKelvin has vowed that he will not let this incident ruin his relationship with the city and the team’s fans.

Sources, quoted on the condition of anonymity, say that someone painted “choke”, “loser” and “coaches get fired over sh-t like this” on McKelvin’s lawn. “I hope the perpetrators have a nasty bruise on their right knee from tripping on the sprinkler head just to the left of the hydrangeas,” added Jauron who was wearing gloves despite the unseasonably warm weather.

Jauron added that if the act was not committed by teenagers, then it was certainly the work of foreigners, most likely al-Qaeda or French President Nicolas Sarkozy.

 
This week, we’re holding the third annual KSK Kares Kharity Drive to support Matt Ufford’s participation in Fight Gone Bad, which raises money for the Wounded Warrior Project and Athletes for a Cure. Please donate at Ufford’s fundraising page.