Late Preseason Transactions Send Bill Simmons in Murder Spasms of Doucheiosity
As I’m sure you’re heard by now, Giant Snatch-maker David Tyree was on the list of the final cuts made by the Giants. Tyree’s never going to be mistaken for a good player, but he did make a fantastic play that will be with us forever, if for no other reason that Simmons will not stop bitching about how “fluky” it was. Since when do marginal players get to make critical plays in big games? AARON BOONE, YOU-AH A FACKIN FLUKE TOO! BUT NAWT DAVE ROBERTS! HE WAS GOOD ALL ALONG, YOU JUST DIDN’T KNOW IT! WE WILLED HIM TO STEAL THAT BASE!
I think Drew summed up the inherent retardery of this argument nicely: “Jeffrey Maier stealing the ball and gifting the Yankees a home run? That’s a fluky play. A random wideout summoning the strength he never knew he had to trap a ball against his head and keep it there despite getting jacked? That would be the opposite of fluky.”
Jeebus. Your team won three Super Bowls this decade. Quit trying to tarnish the one team who knocked off the Pats in the big game through inane cattiness. Creating the consensus that the Giant Snatch was a “fluky” play allows Simmons to forever bitch that the 2007 Patriots were the greatest team ever, and the only thing that could have derailed them was an act of God.
But it doesn’t end there.
Yeah, I’m sure “Goodall” will get right on that, dickhead.
THE COMMISHSIONAH MUST STEP UP AND STOP US FROM BEING SO SMAHT! IT’S ONLY FAY-UH TO THE UNSMAHT TEAMS!
I’ll admit, the Patriots pulled a pretty good swindling of the Raiders, dumping an aging defensive end – one who’ll be an unrestricted free agent after this season – on Oakland in exchange for what will no doubt be a top 5 pick in two years. Taken together with the Randy Moss deal, I’m sure it’ll lead to scores of Massholes repeating the obnoxious “[Oakland/Minnesota] is Boston’s farm team” line. Aint’ gonna get Bubb Rubb down though.
Somehow left unaddressed: Bernard Pollard being waived by the Chiefs, presumably to give him more time to chill with Kimo. I bet “Goodall” made them do it to set things right!
Tags: bill simmons, really wish Amazon wasn't selling our books together, the urtard, xmas ape
September 6th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
…not to mention the effort it took for Eli to get the throw off with two defenders hanging all over him.
September 6th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
Ah, Bubb Rubb. A little slice of life from Oakland. Wooo wooooo, indeed.
September 6th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
Tom Brady fumbling as he’s getting sacked, but inexplicably keeping possession due to an unheard of provision known as the “tuck rule” = pats just playing like champions, not fluky at all. NO ONE DENIES THIS.
September 6th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
Thank you cd6… Dumbest rule in the league. Lets reward players for being pussies.
And yes I hate the patriots and their ability to sucker senile Al Davis… kinda wish I’da thought of it first
/gets 2012 2nd round draft pick in exchange for retired war veteran grandpa
September 6th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
To be fair, Simmons said the Giants deserved the win in one of his subsequent tweets, so he wasn’t really trying to “tarnish” the win.
It was a fluky play, but countless teams have been helped by fluky plays. For example, the Tuck Rule play, the Mike Jones tackle, and the Santonio toe drag. It doesn’t tarnish a championship.
September 6th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
there is no excuse for simmons (on anything, ever), but as a pats fan…
no. you know what? let’s just end it there: there is no excuse for simmons.
YOU AHH NAWT OW-UH SPOKESMAN!!!!
September 6th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
Motion seconded, fox dancing robot…
September 6th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
@Nathan Hale: The Tuck Rule is b.s. and is a fumble in every avenue of football; all the way from pop warner to college because its a fucking fumble.
September 6th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
To be fair, Simmons said the Giants deserved the win in one of his subsequent tweets, so he wasn’t really trying to “tarnish” the win.
You know that he doesn’t actually believe that right? He was just covering his ass in case people blogged about it.
September 6th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
You know what’s really fluky? Simmons actually has a job writing the bullshit he puts out. NO ONE DENIES THIS!
September 6th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
@ Natrone
The rule was ambiguous at best, the Pats were lucky that it wasn’t called a fumble. It was a fluky play, a questionable call, and I never said anything otherwise.
@ 289
Yeah you’re probably right, Simmons realized that he sounded like a douche and recanted.
September 6th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
Nathan Hale – So you’re a believer of the Ricky Bobby school of logic where saying “with all due respect” excuses any subsequent inflammatory statements?
September 6th, 2009 at 6:26 pm
@ Nathan Hale
fluk⋅y
–adjective, fluk⋅i⋅er, fluk⋅i⋅est.
1. obtained by chance rather than skill.
so what you’re saying is, Mike Jones *accidentally* tackled mason at the one yard line? or that Santonio *accidentally* made a fingertip grab in the biggest moment professional sports can provide while *accidentally* keeping his toes in bounds? Sure, that didn’t require the slightest bit of SKILL at all.
September 6th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
You know that he doesn’t actually believe that right? He was just covering his ass in case people blogged about it.
You are giving him far too much credit. He doesn’t give a shit what anyone blogs about.
September 6th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
Is “Bubb Rubb” related to Bob Cobb, the Maestro?
September 6th, 2009 at 6:48 pm
fluky – 1. obtained by chance rather than skill.
Based on that definition, every single pass Elisha has completed in his career has been “fluky.”
September 6th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
… the hell is Bill Simmons?
September 6th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
Immaculate reception anyone?
September 6th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
In his next tweet, Bill Simmons expressed consternation that the commish had not sent his wife Jane to Dorchestah to study the primates there.
September 6th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
“Do it for my sanity” clearly shows he is joking. Yet it deserved a BDD-ripping-Peter-King-esque post? I don’t get why people take Simmons seriously when he doesn’t take himself seriously to begin with. I’ll take Simmons at his worst (the 7,500 word sermons on the Celtics make me want to dunk my dick in a hot pot of coffee) then Peter King whining about a melted fucking kit-kat bar in first fucking class.
September 6th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
I don’t get why people take Simmons seriously when he doesn’t take himself seriously to begin with.
Yes he does.
September 6th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
Dear Simmons,
Go fuck your mothah.
Yours Truly,
The Giant Fans.
September 6th, 2009 at 8:10 pm
“Hey Bill! I think that’s David Tyree over there fucking your sister!”
September 6th, 2009 at 8:15 pm
over/under on someone in the AFC East taking Bernard Pollard?
i’d say the odds are pretty fair
September 6th, 2009 at 8:46 pm
Shit, now I have to hope Al Davis stays alive for the next 2 years.
September 6th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
Jeremiah Castille applauds this post
September 6th, 2009 at 9:20 pm
Fuck Bill Simmons in his sandy gash. If you think he’s not 100% serious about this ‘fluky’ bullshit, you’re insane.
/Still waiting for Charles Woodson to be called for an illegal blow to Brady’s head on the ‘tuck’ play.
//18-1.
September 6th, 2009 at 9:35 pm
no wonder Turtle wouldnt shake Brady’s hand
September 6th, 2009 at 9:56 pm
Somebody tell The Original Page 2 that one of the NFL’s greatest plays, The Immaculate Reception, was itself a fluky play: Bradshaw hurling a downfield prayer at a covered reciever with Raiders on his ass, the ball bouncing off somebody and his tailback catching the rebound on his shoetops before taking it to the house. Is that play at all dominished and are the Steelers at all diminished as a dynasty because the play was a fluke? Not really.
As cd6 mentioned, the Tuck Rule is all we really need to say in response to that homer’s remark.
September 6th, 2009 at 10:51 pm
@ Kevin
No, but I think he only meant to denigrate the catch, not the victory itself. Plus, he realized he was being a douche and decided to tone it down. Or maybe not, I don’t know what Simmons was doing, I’m not a mind reader.
@ [former] college kid
No they weren’t fluky in the sense that they made the plays accidentally. They were fluky in the sense that they made those plays at pivotal points in the Super Bowl. Let’s say a player like Tyree has only one amazing catch in him, and he just happens to make that amazing catch in the Super Bowl as opposed to in a random preseason game. That’s fluky.
September 6th, 2009 at 10:55 pm
Hey Bill,
Bucky Fucking Dent.
September 6th, 2009 at 11:58 pm
When is Tawmmy from Quinzee going to show up again?
September 7th, 2009 at 12:12 am
Scott Norton Wide Right = FLUKY PLAY!
Don Bebee strips Leon Lett = FLUKY PLAY!
Ryan Leaf = FLUKY CAREER!
September 7th, 2009 at 12:43 am
lmao.
1) Maybe if the Pats defense didn’t tackle like the AFC East sandy vaginas that they are then Eli never could have made that pass.
2) the pass was third down. Giants would have had another chance if it was dropped. but it wasn’t.
3) Plax’s catch in the end zone is what beat your gay ass team. Was that a fluke?
Face it, Billy boy, NY Giants are a better team.
September 7th, 2009 at 2:05 am
@ Gomez
The Immaculate Reception in and of itself had nothing to do with the Steelers’ dynasty. It became a part of the mythos of the dynasty years later. No one remembers that the Steelers turned around and lost the following week to the undefeated Dolphins. The Steelers’ best days were ahead and the Immaculate Reception was a precursor, not a part of it.
September 7th, 2009 at 5:51 am
That was one giant loss…
Going to Bill Simmons for legit sports info is like watching the Daily Show as nightly news.
I think Bill had a part of that “undefeated season” book that got yanked…
September 7th, 2009 at 5:51 am
@Kyle
I know a Scott Norwood, but who is Scott Norton?
September 7th, 2009 at 9:57 am
The helmet catch was fluky… So fucking what? WHy does everyone wet their pants when Simmons thoughtlessly slights the Giants? Christ you’d think he tweeted that Hitler should have won WWII or something…. 2 Issues:
1. It’s Simmons, not some self-glossed real journalist like PK or any of these other self aggrandizing jagoffs who I don’t read; and
2. It was two fucking years ago… “Yo, how dare dat Boston faggoot disrespect the memory of the 2007 Giants”/gels hair, punches girlfriend, or does whatever the New York version of Tommy from Quinzee does
There are about 1000 flukes in sports every week, ugh, no one denies this? I love hating as much as anyone, but Simmons is a weak target especially compared to the comedy rich pastures of PK’s stomach rolls, or Tommy, or Belicheck’sproclivity for other peoples’ wife-fucking. De-ah Tangueray, I er ugh, love yo-ah gin.
September 7th, 2009 at 10:10 am
@WeTalkinBoutPractice Says:
Hitler could have taken that war if it wasn’t for that damn USA and all their fluky natural resources and sacrificing lives and all that war strategy bullshit.
September 7th, 2009 at 11:56 am
Wow, so that’s why Scott Norton became a professional wrestler.
September 7th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
“Al, I’ll trade you this delicious door stop for that crusty old danish.”
September 7th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
@Philly Jim
Going to Bill Simmons for legit sports info is like watching the Daily Show as nightly news.
Erroneous. The Daily Show has some pretty good social commentary, and their parody does a pretty good job of counteracting the radical right wing slant of Fox News.
September 7th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Fuck Bill fucking Simmons. He’s a witless hack, the kind of subsonic douchegasm who’s just begging for a right cross to the chin. Beating the shot out of that smug little cocksucker in the lobby of a Vegas hotel, in front of all his douchey Vegas pals, is my fondest dream.
September 7th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Hey Simmons, how ’bout that Bill Buckner? Now THAT was a fluky play.
September 7th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
I thought Simmons was a little overboard with the whole FLUKE tweet. Sad to say, I made a twitter just to follow him though….D’oh!
September 7th, 2009 at 6:38 pm
The Pats know Al Davis is crazy ’cause they’ve set up a SECRET CAMERA in his house.
September 8th, 2009 at 8:38 am
Y’know, just because a guy is made of vinegar and water and comes in a little plastic bottle with a nozzle on the end doesn’t mean he’s a douche.
Oh, wait. Never mind.
September 8th, 2009 at 11:22 am
his current vegas column is first grade fuckfacery 101 at its quasi-annoyingest. “my friends and I use nicknames for one another? Does anyone else in the whole facking warld do that? and our craziness doesn’t end there–we get rowdy when in large groups!” this is the same guy that complains about entourage being stupid.
September 9th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
/doesnt’ understand all the Simmons hatred
If you don’t like him, don’t read him.