‘Help, I’m new at this!’ The KSK Fantasy Sex/Football Mailbag
One week — just ONE WEEK — it would be nice if our readers were all, “Hey, I don’t have any sex problems to share with you, but I took this photo of my hot girlfriend hooking up with this other girl.” That would be nice. I’d like that.
Unfortunately, most of you are unattractive and thus have problems. And we’ve got answers. Well, maybe not answers, but they’re definitely responses. Apologies to the many many of you who wrote in needing help on whom to start in your flex position. I mean for fantasy football. Although “flex position” sounds like something I’d like to try with a girl. Preferably a college gymnast.
Gentlemen,
Football: This year, I’m playing fantasy football for the first time. I did my homework and feel pretty good about my results from the just-finished draft. I got two solid QBs (Brady and Rivers) and good depth at RB (Forte, Steve Slaton, Addai, LenWhale, and tiny Darren). I’m weaker at TE (Greg Olsen and Shiancoe) and WR (Welkah, Ward, Donnie Avery, Deion Branch), and ended up with one kicker (Gould) and the Vikings’ defense. Now I’m wondering, what do I need to be doing during the season? How important are the kicker and defense positions? Do I need to worry about my wide receivers? League has 10 teams, head to head, and the roster is QB/3 WR/2 RB/TE/K/DEF, with 6 bench players. I prepared for the draft, but I don’t want to look like the clueless newbie I am as the season continues.
You have two top-tier quarterbacks, and you lack depth at wide receiver. Either Rivers or Brady is redundant. Trade one of them to get a WR who’s solid week-to-week — Avery and Branch leave too much room to disappoint. I’d suggest this: Rivers or Brady and one of your backup RBs for a top-tier receiver and a backup QB.
Relationship: I’ve been dating a girl for a year now. I really like her, things are going well, sex is good, etc. Recently, she said we should think about moving in together. I told her that, while I was very happy with her, I like what we have and am not ready to move in together. I can tell this is still bothering her, but I haven’t brought it up again. Is this something I need to discuss, or do I just hope it blows over? Part of what’s bothering her, I think, is that I’m going back to school this winter (8 years after graduating with a useless history degree), will be working full time, and she thinks we’ll never see each other. I told her I’ll make the time to spend with her, but she’s not reassured.
Newbie
Yeah, if you can tell it still bothers her, then you need to talk about it. For whatever reason, girls LOVE talking about problems. Talk talk talk, always complaining about shit, and she just wants you to sit there and listen when JESUS CHRIST, JUST FIX THE PROBLEM AND STOP TALKING ABOUT IT ALREADY.
Anyway, talking about it more and reassuring her that you’ll still see her all the time will probably help a little, but let’s be clear about one thing: she wants to move in together not because she’s afraid she’ll see you less, but because she wants to sink her hooks into you further, so that eventually you’ll give her a ring and marry her and impregnate her. Women get men the way boa constrictors kill their prey. She already has names picked out for your first three children, I guarantee it.
Protectors of the pleasurable pussy,
Fantasy- Need a little help with a trade. Possible deal of me giving up Ryan Grant for T.O. and Donnie Brown. I’m pretty shallow at WR and somewhat deep at RB. My RB’s: AP, J-Stewart, Felix Jones, Justin Fargas. My WR’s: Anthony Gonzalez, Santonio Holmes, Jeremy Maclin, Nate Washington, Hakeem Nicks, Antwaan Randle El. 12 Team league, ESPN standard scoring. Deal or no deal?
I like that deal. Pull the trigger.
Sex- I’ve been with several different girls who all despise getting jizzed on. And it pisses me off cuz I would love nothing other than to shoot my load on their faces. Do you have any idea (based on personal experience or surveys) what percent of the female population approves of facials? And what state they live in?
As Ghandi once famously said, “Eh, Tits!”
I think the problem might have something to do with you being an asshole. Try getting involved in a relationship where you respect the woman as a friend and partner. Those kinds of girls are generally more willing to be adventurous in bed.
(Land) Barons of Buggery,
My girlfriend in college just finished a summer internship at Planned Parenthood. Apparently they filled her head with all sorts of horror stories of women getting knocked up despite being on the pill and using condoms. Now, when we’re having sex, she insists that I pull out right before I finish while still wearing a condom. I’ve assented, because I’m not Jerramy Stevens; but I thought not having to pull out was one of the selling points of using a condom in the first place. I think she’s being neurotic, but how can I approach her about this issue without making her self-conscious/pissed off?
Well, yes: people do get pregnant even while using effective birth control methods like condoms and the pill. However, if you’re in a monogamous relationship and your girlfriend is on the pill, SWEET FUCKING CHRIST get rid of the condoms already! You can even offer to pull out and come on her. I hear from our readers that’s a desirable thing to do.
With every day I’m getting more nervous about starting Chris Johnson at Pittsburgh. I have Beanie Wells (vs SF) and Fred Jackson (@NE) on my bench. Are either of those two a better play than Chris given the defense? (For context, I have Thomas Jones in my other RB slot, and Andre Johnson, Colston and Anthony Gonzalez in my WR and flex slots).
Eesh. I dunno man. I’d bench Johnson and start Fred Jackson, but I also have a tendency to overthink things and play matchups instead of proven talent. So take that for what it’s worth.
Dear KSK,
I grew up in a small town in western Mass. There is a family that has been long standing family friends and their youngest daughter has recently expressed interest in coming to visit and sleeping over, which she made clear means she wants sex. I am 29 and she is 20, I have no problem with the age difference, plus she has grown in to a pretty hot piece of ass. Here is my quandary, I was literally at the hospital the day she was born, I have watched her grow up from infancy to the smoking hot young lass she is now. My question is, am I a pussy for being a little gunshy about fucking a girl I babysat from when she was age 4 up? What is your opinion about this? I am kind of afraid of small town politics.
Well, it’s okay to have some conflicted feelings here. That’s your conscience speaking on behalf of societal norms. But I think I speak for everyone in the room when I say you need to hit that hot little piece. I mean WEAR IT OUT. Put a saddle on that filly and ride her through Injun country all the way to California. Give her the Pony Express and don’t stop except to eat and sleep.
And please, let us know it goes.
Fantasy Football:
I play in an IDP league, my team defenseive players are Orakpo, Antoine Cason, Maualuga, T. Suggs, D. Manning and Demps, My Starting offense consists of Brees, M. Turner, Chris Johnson, Ronnie Brown (in the flex), Jennings, Welker, Antonio Bryant and Chris Cooley. Do I need to make moves to shore up the Defense or is the offense enough to overshadow and shortcomings I may have on the defensive side?
- No Desire to be Run out of town
No idea. You IDP people are weird. Check the comments, maybe there’s another freak like you who can help.
Oh ye blog writers who are weekly subjected to a stream of unfunny names,
Due to a bout of indecisiveness during my fantasy draft, I got autodrafted Brandon Marshall, leaving me kinda f’d in the a at WR. That said: Marshall, Nate Burleson, or Domenik Hixon?
Ugh. Crappy scenario. Hixon? I guess?
What are the rules and/or ethics of trolling “adult” chatrooms whilst in the confines of a relationship?
Don’t do it.
Gentlemen,
In my draft I totally screwed things up by drafting two players RB’s who share the same bye week. It’s Slaton and B. Jacobs. What’s the best way to handle this? Should I try to trade one of them? Thus far my offers include – Addai, DeAngelo Williams, Gore, and Ronnie Brown for either one of them. Or is it best to just assume a loss that week and keep them both?
You can get DeAngelo Williams for either Slaton or Brandon Jacobs? I hope you’ve already made that trade. Keep Slaton if it’s PPR; otherwise I’d hold on to Jacobs.
Finally – what’s the official KSK stance on distance in a relationship? How far is too far and how often do both parties need to see each other to keep things somewhat serious? In this particular situation – the distance between the two cities is 400+ miles (Between Charlotte and New Orleans)
-Rob D.
Every week, someone writes in asking for an “official stance” on something that varies wildly from person to person. “What’s the official stance on how many girls a man should sleep with before getting married?” etc.
Get yourself some Skype and a frequent flyer program. 400 miles ain’t shit if you’re in love.
Sex: I travel often for work. I was in St. Louis last year, met a girl and hooked up, err tried to hook up. I, let’s say, had difficulties performing. I was pretty drunk and blah blah blah, a couple weeks later I’m back on the road. We’ve remained friends after that with her giving me playful jabs about it and frequently tells me how she wants to try again, and even how she wants to date. I’m at home in Chicago beating the girls off with a stick (or beating my stick over girls, whatever) but I’ve got a nice rotation of ladies going right now and 1.5 million or so other ladies (less young and elderly) to select from here. She’s now in Jefferson City Missouri where not only are there no black people (we’re both colored, as Kerry Collins would say), but no suitable people to date. I think this is why she’d like to see me, because she doesn’t have any better options. She wants me to come this weekend and hang out with her in her shitbag town, sex is guaranteed. I don’t particularly want to go because it’s a 7 hour drive or a $300 flight plus a 2 hour train, for a person who I’m not dating, who I fought with more than I fucked when we hung out. I would like to set the record straight to her that I can bring the ruckus to the ladies. What should I do?
Pffft. Unless this is the hottest girl you’ve ever been with, stay in Chicago. Besides, it’s football season: you don’t want to be traveling while the games are on.
Football: I think the Raiders will make the playoffs this year. Stout defense, and if Run DMC is worth anything they’ll have a middling offense. Am I retarded?
Yes.
Dear Cheerleaders of Chikan,
Sex first. I have me a lovely latina girlfriend who has tried anal in the past. She didn’t like it much though due to pain. I’m sure the last guy was probably just an asshole about it and ruined it for the rest of us. What would be a good way to convince her I’ll be the gentle sensitive type and please open the gate to the hershey highway?
Congratulations! You’re the 1000th reader to ask about how to get anal sex from your girlfriend! You win a lifetime supply of go fuck yourself!
And for Football: I have Hasselbeck and Roethlisberger for QB’s. Should I start healthy Hasselbeck against piss poor St. Louis? Or take Ben Roethlisberger against the Tennessee Titans? He had over 300 yards and 2 TDs last year when he played them, and should be fresher now. Help me out.
I’d go with Hasselbeck. Not because I’m a homer, but because — again — I overthink things and tend to play the guys going against shitty defenses.
I recently dated a chick, we got to the 3rd date in less than a week, other nights we talked on phone, and on the 3rd date she gave me the dreaded, “I want to just be friends.” speech. She claims to have had such a great time, that despite not feeling a click, she gave me another chance etc….assuming she’s not bullshitting out the ass, wtf? Do I stay friends and see if I can exit the friend zone or am I dead in the water? I can’t quite wrap my head around it, it’s just…weird.
She’s not attracted to you. Sorry pal.
Football: call me crazy, but barring injuries (long term ones really), I don’t see anything stopping the Steelers from repeating.
I won’t call you crazy. I’ll call you retarded. Have you never watched playoff football before?
Is it me, or does Tomlin seem to do a better job than Cowher in getting his guys to play hard and smart? I kinda loved the replays of Cowher looking like he was going to punch a player for being retarded (here’s looking at you, Plaxico); but every AFC Championship game he lost, there was always that kind of thing happening (dumb penalties on key 3rd downs, massive brain farts, etc). Tomlin seems to be excited but not as crazy when a bad hop happens. Is it evil to like Tomlin over Cowher Power? :)
SteelersPride
So what’s your FANTASY FOOTBALL question? Ugh, Steelers fans. Anyway, I turned this one over to Christmas Ape. He says:
Cowher was coach for 14 years. People got attached to him, as did I. He drafted most of the current roster. There’s a feeling, fair or no, that his imprint remains on the team. Tomlin has done exceeding well with that talent and not shown some of the late season fuckups that marked the Cowher tenure.
So there you go. To recap: Steelers fans worry that they love one awesome coach who won a Super Bowl better than another awesome coach who won a Super Bowl. This is why we hate you.
Tags: captain caveman, stop asking questions about anal, the KSK football sex advice mailbag
September 10th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Fuck yea.
September 10th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
So I’ll get back to the post, but I just have to say that I’m seeing a former gymnast, and yes, it’s very nice.
September 10th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
29-year-old guy with the chance to nail the hot 20-year-old:
Just do it. Not to say you’re crazy for stopping to consider it, but personally, I wouldn’t even have considered it until “after the fact.” Just sayin’…
September 10th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
“To recap: Steelers fans worry that they love one awesome coach who won a Super Bowl better than another awesome coach who won a Super Bowl. This is why we hate you.”
Well, that and the fact that they fuck their cousins out there.
September 10th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
You can get DeAngelo Williams for either Slaton or Brandon Jacobs? I hope you’ve already made that trade.
Fuck yes.
But if not, no worries — bye week overlaps are overrated. If anything, I’d rather take a hit one week and then run at full strength the rest of the season.
September 10th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
IDP Guy –
How many people do you start on defense? For instance, my league has 2 DLs, 2LBs and 2 DBs with one flex position. You are going to need some good linebackers who make a lot of tackles. The best guy to have right now is Patrick Willis, but you can get good value from Jon Beason and Demeco Ryans.
As for DLs, try to get someone like Trent Cole, Mario Williams or Jared Allen.
September 10th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
Always have myself a laugh at the guys who are hung-up on anal…
September 10th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
The appropriate distance to travel for pussy is entirely dependent on the quality of the pussy. No distance is too far to travel for a crazy-hot superfreek who’ll do so many disgusting things and with such gusto that you’re too ashamed to look each other in the eye the next day. By the same token, it’s not worth walking across the room if she’s just going to lay there like a goddamn gunny sack.
September 10th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
Whenever it does happen, make sure to yell, “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH DROPPPPINNNG FUCKKKING LOOAAADDSSS. FILTHY. FILTHY. FILTHY FUCKING CUNT.”
September 10th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
re: Ufford’s homerism
starting Hasselbeck is not a homer pick. As a Steeler fan, starting Big Ben in fantasy cost me a chance at a championship last year (fortunately, real life events sort of made up for that). Hasselbeck is a lot of people’s “start of the week” this week, and is going to be a top 5 fantasy qb barring injury.
As for the long distance thing question, I’m doing it now and it works fine; the key is that there has to be a mutual goal of eventually being in the same place. If there’s no hope of ever ending up in the same city, then there’s not really any point, but college, grad school, etc really isn’t a big deal if you’re committed and good at finding cheap plane fare and naked skyping.
September 10th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Hey sweet my question made it.. Fuck yeah! (anal sex and QB fantasy question)
Thanks! Can I get the tracking number on that lifetime supply of go fuck yourself.
September 10th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
@Newbie: If something bothers a chick, it will NEVER blow over. Never.
@ Ghandi’s Facial: Dude, why would blowing a load in her face (assisted by your hand), be more desireable than blowing a load in any of the optional orifices being offered up. Hell, let her drive and spray on the drapes, at least it’s her hand…Douche.
September 10th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
Shit, I thought I was fucked up being 25 and considering dating a 20 year old (mainly because my entire social life revolves around drinking). I never realized there were 29 year olds out there considering fucking 20 year olds they babysat for. Godspeed brother
September 10th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
For the running back dilemma – You should be starting Jackson this week. Pitt is a crazy tough place to run and Beanie Wells sucks.
September 10th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
Re facials: With respect to Ufford, whose advice is appropriate for the long term, one issue you may encounter when you do find someone you love and respect is that you may tend to, you know, NOT WANT TO DOUSE THEIR FACES WITH JIZZ. So go spray some whores and then settle down.
September 10th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
QUESTION 1: My question is, am I a pussy for being a little gunshy about fucking a girl I babysat from when she was age 4 up? What is your opinion about this? I am kind of afraid of small town politics.
QUESTION 2: ‘I would like to set the record straight to her that I can bring the ruckus to the ladies. What should I do?’
ANSWER: “But I think I speak for everyone in the room when I say you need to hit that hot little piece. I mean WEAR IT OUT. Put a saddle on that filly and ride her through Injun country all the way to California. Give her the Pony Express and don’t stop except to eat and sleep.
And please, let us know it goes.”
Amazing how one answer (and request) can fit two qusetions.
September 10th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
Let’s try and put this anal thing in perspective ONE. LAST. TIME. Let’s say your lady had been with a guy who liked having his dick chewed on. Hard. And your lady really got off on it too. Let’s say that you, even from experience, know that you don’t like having your dick chewed on, primarily because it’s uncomfortable/painful/not pleasurable. How would you feel if your lady kept harping on you about letting her chew on your dick? And furthermore, kept telling you that so-and-so really liked it and she’s heard that other guys did too. Doesn’t change the fact that you personally don’t want a girl chewing on your dick, does it? If anal is that big a fucking deal to you, find a girl who likes it (there are plenty), and find out beforehand, or just let it the fuck go. Christ.
September 10th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
A black man with whiskey-dick. Nothing is impossible.
September 10th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
By the way I was thinking Hasselbeck from the get-go, I am also a Stiller fan so I was tossed in the middle. But I honestly think if Hasselhurt is not injured all year He’s gonna bring the rain.
Oh and facial guy… Most chicks dont like it. Be happy if you can get a jizz on the tits. Thats hard enough.
September 10th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
The jizz on the face thing has been covered before too (though I think CC was spot-on; stop being a dick): tell a girl how hot/sexy/pretty you think SHE (key word) would look if she let you do that. Make sure she knows (or at least thinks) it’s about her, not the act itself.
September 10th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
@ Katni… its not THAT big a deal. I’ve only actually brought it up once. Its just an item I’d LIKE to do. But its not a deal breaker.
September 10th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Newbie,
She wants to move in with you because she has made up her mind that you’re the guy she wants. It’s not going to “blow over”, unless by blowing over you mean her breaking up with you since you’re obviously not interested.
So yeah, I’d definitely have a sit down with her and (try to) explain to her why you aren’t ready to move in yet. And you need to be pretty damn careful in that conversation, because she’s going to hear “I just don’t really love you,” no matter what you say.
You’ll have two possible outcomes. Either she moves in with you, at which point all the fantastic sex you two have been having will IMMEDIATELY stop, since she no longer sees the need to have fun sex, or she breaks up with you.
Congrulations, you’ve reached that point where relationships stop being fun!
(okay, in all seriousness, talk with her about it, because she’s obviously fucking crushed that you don’t want to move in together. Make sure to tell her you love her about a million times, that usually clears the air up nicely.)
Eh, Tits,
Not many girls enjoy facials. Stop treating every girl as a fucking porn star, and perhaps you’ll find one that does like it, or at least likes YOU enough to consent to it. Like CC said, this does involve you being less of an asshole.
No Desire To Be Run Out Of Town, (Jesus, can’t you people just call yourselves Bob, or something?)
The girl you babysat was 16 years ago. Now she’s 20 years old and hot. Not only that, but she wants to fuck you. I’d tell your conscience to shut the goddamn fuck up and fuck her already. Actually, play a little hard to get when she comes over, tell her that you’re a bit worried about that stuff, and see how far she’ll go to get you. It’s fun when you make the girls work a little bit. You might get a fucking helluva lapdance out of it too.
In any case, TAP THAT TWENTY YEAR OLD ASS, YOU PUSSY. Damn. The only 20 year old hot female ass I wouldn’t tap would be my own daughter. Anything else is fair fucking game.
Rob D. (thank you),
400 miles is nothing. If she’s a good girl, or fun, or whatever, work it out.
Nameless Colored Person,
If you seriously have to write in to a mailbag to have complete strangers CONVINCE you to go see this chick, haven’t you already made up your mind that you don’t want to go see her?
Steelerspride,
Unless she’s cool and you want to be friends with her, break it off. As I have explained many, many, many times over, if a girl is not in to you that way, she never will be. If that spark isn’t there for her from the start, it’s not going to grow over time, no matter what Hollywood’s leading skanks try to tell you with their bullshit, form-factor romantic comedies.
Personally I’d just break it off. Plenty of fish in the pond, man.
September 10th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
The appropriate distance to travel for pussy is entirely dependent on the quality of the pussy. No distance is too far to travel for a crazy-hot superfreek who’ll do so many disgusting things and with such gusto that you’re too ashamed to look each other in the eye the next day. By the same token, it’s not worth walking across the room if she’s just going to lay there like a goddamn gunny sack.
True advice. Lofty advice. +1 Tracer.
September 10th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
Berkshires Boy – You must bang her. Yes, you are a pussy for worrying about small town politics. If they even care, they will get over it. You will always regret not hitting it.
In re Steelers Pride – I’ve always hated “tough” coaches and G.M.s like the Chin and Matt Millen’s act. Unless you’re still wearing pads, looking and acting tough have no correlation to being good.
Could be wrong.
September 10th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
Where have all the perverts gone?
September 10th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
Anal Sex Guy: First off, forget about “convincing” her to try it. Women are completely unreasonable and close-minded when it comes to their sexual hang-ups. If you’re a regular visitor to this site, I’m sure you’ve seen how the few females who post here zealously defend their own poorly thought out and almost completely uneducated positions. I’m sure your girlfriend will be the exact same way since it’s part of the female psyche.
In order to get what you want, you’re going to have to resort to trickery. Women love kinky sex, it’s just they often have to be dragged kicking and screaming into it. To that end, you’re going to have to ease her into it. Start by slipping a finger up her ass during raucous lovemaking. A finger is much less scary than a cock and anal penetration increases orgasm intensity a ton so after the shock wears off, she’ll appreciate it. Then after she’s used to that, employ the “Oops It slipped” method of getting it in her ass. If she doesn’t know it’s coming, she’ll be less likely to get worked up beforehand. The key here is to prevent her mind from telling her she doesn’t like something that it’s a fact of nature is an immensely pleasurable sensation.
Babysitter Fucker: I, too, had this situation happen to me. My ex-girlfriend from a couple years past was a hot 19 year cherrybomb who was my family’s next door neighbor all during my childhood. She later confessed to having a super crush on me when I was in high school and she was still playing with Barbies. So when our stars aligned, I was all for it.
The key to avoiding the small town politics as you say (and we had a Gossipy Community, too) is to involve the parents. If you get the parents blessing, everything works out fine. You don’t have to ask permission or anything 18th century, you could have her pave the way for you. Just make sure her parents are on board. Hell, if they let you babysit her, you should be in.
September 10th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
….poorly thought out and almost completely uneducated positions…
You sound like a real catch, BBM.
September 10th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
Facials:
Over rated. I enjoy a chick who is skilled enough to bring me to orgasm right in her mouth and keeps going not missing a drop. THAT is hot.
September 10th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
@Newbie: College degree + 8 years puts you at what, 30? Ufford is probably right that this girl is angling for a bigger commitment from you, but if you two are actually happy together, this kind of relationship progress isn’t such a bad thing. Bachelor life is fun, to be sure, but it is distinctly possible to stay too long at the Fair and you don’t want to be that guy.
@Eh, Tits: I would imagine the percent of the female population that likes having hot semen sprayed on their face is approximately the same percent of the female population that likes having hot saliva spat onto their face: 0%. It’s something that some women (who have a high annoyance threshold, like you well enough to suppress it or are getting handed a check by a producer from VIVID Entertainment) will *tolerate* and that’s the best you can ask for.
@Planned Parenthood: I’ve been there. Sucks, don’t it? I don’t know what to tell you – I solved my version of this problem by moving to a different city and never calling her again. And then later on her friend sent me a message that she had died in a car accident, though I’m not entirely sure that was true. But I felt kind of bad about it, so that’s not a course of action I recommend. (Aside to Rocco: the possibly dead girl was also a contemporary dancer with gymnast-type levels of flexibility – and I’ve dated a similarly limber ballet dancer in the past and found flexibility to be highly overrated. Was I missing something?)
@Small Town Politics: What Needs More Cheerleaders said.
@Chatrooms: These chatrooms are for “adults,” a status which your question seems to preclude you from.
@LDR: Ufford dropped the ball on this one. A long-distance relationship WILL FAIL if you do not have a definite plan for being together again in the future. This can be short-term (once our summer internships are finished and we’re back on campus) or long-term (as soon as the statute of limitations expires) but without a reasonably well-defined end date for your time of separation, eventually the relationship will peter out. One of you will get tired of putting in the effort to see the other, and things will break down.
@Retarded Raiders Fan: The only advice I can give you is to get some corks and put them on the end of all your forks, because you’re an idiot that would probably stab himself in the eye without some kind of safety precaution. As a long-suffering Raiders fan with realistic expectations, let me put it this way: the Raiders have a better chance of winning the Stanley Cup than they do of making the playoffs this year or any year that Al Davis’ withered corpse-hands control the reins of that team.
@3rd Date: Girls who are ambivalent enough to “give you a shot” of this nature tend to be very unpredictable. Some girls can have an orgasm so intense they’ll shatter all your glassware with their screaming, and then later on decide that it made them feel “uncomfortable” and not want to see you again. Just ignore her for a while and either her interest will be rekindled or she’ll ignore you back. Either way you’ll have your answer.
September 10th, 2009 at 6:11 pm
@ MC: At what age do you think men stop finding hot 20 year olds attractive?
September 10th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
@ Stonecutter
I’d say about 16 years after they’re dead.
September 10th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
Now that was some vintage CC scorn and disdain. I get the feeling we’re about 6 weeks and 40,000 anal/facial/etc questions away from a mailbag with nothing but brief, hate-filled replies:
“I want anal” Die.
“I want to blast my chick in the face.” Burn, douchefuck.
“I’m dating this slut but I wanna fuck her sister and best friend.” I hope they all castrate you.
September 10th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
IDP’s – I play in a league with 4 IDPs (CB, S, LB, DL). Honestly, depending on scoring, unless you have an elite guy (Jared Allen, Patrick Willis, etc.) you should NEVER be trading your offensive players for IDPs. There are typically so many options to play based on matchup (I rotate mine almost weekly). Not to mention that defensive stats can be so fickle week to week.
For example, Champ Bailey historically is not a good fantasy play because he locks down his receiver and the QBs won’t test him. However, there will be 2-3 games a year he goes nuts because a young QB tries to catch him off-guard or something which gives him great value this week and inflates his overall ranking. Or if a good run-stopping linebacker with high tackles faces a team that won’t run much, he may get shit that week for points since he won’t have the opportunity to rack up tackles.
In the end, it depends on how you score, but the difference week to week for IDPs and predictability for value is on level with kickers so you shouldn’t be touching your starting offensive players in any trades to improve IDPs. Just hit the free agent pool each week and you should be fine.
September 10th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
CHYLER LEIGH and MIA KIRSHNER for the trophy
September 10th, 2009 at 8:23 pm
For fuck’s sake, what’s the point in having a girlfriend who works for Planned Parenthood if you can’t take advantage of the employee discount on abortions?
September 10th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
Danger, I am with you. CC is sounding a bit closer to the edge.
Bubby, go fuck yourself, you misogynistic pig.
September 10th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
Hey, my story got in. I’m the whiskey dick from Chicago. Thanks for the feedback, the girl is okay but I can and have done better. She works in the same field and we share a lot of commonalities so I like her enough, probably not to miss the Bears v. Packers though. I’m flying her in next week on my frequent flier miles and then I’m gonna fuck her like a Colorado hotel employee and never call her again.
September 11th, 2009 at 12:10 am
I don’t understand what dudes don’t understand about not wanting a dick up your ass. I assume most of the people who visit this site don’t want a dick up their ass, so why would you assume a chick should want to? Same thing with “facials.” Why the fuck would someone want that? If you’ve had a dick up your ass or had another guy splooge all over your face, then you could at least say you knew what you were talking about when you say how hot it is or how awesome it is, but if you haven’t, seems to me, you broach the subject once, then if she says “Thanks, but no thanks,” you move on. Either find somebody else who wants your majestic dick in her asshole or your splooge all over her face, or just shut the fuck up about it, you whiny douchebag.
September 11th, 2009 at 12:12 am
@ Soapy
attaboy!
September 11th, 2009 at 1:28 am
I happen to like to like…okay love…anal, however I don’t like to give head too much. Do you think the anal thing makes up for it???
September 11th, 2009 at 1:33 am
Slash: I don’t want anal, but my dick *is* majestic, thank you very much for noticing.
Soapy: You’re doing the right thing. You have options in Chicago, so do NOT go to Jeff City, but if she wants to come to Chicago then my only advice is that you should see a doctor if you have an erection lasting longer than four hours.
Newbie: You’re going to be working full time AND going to school, and you still think you’ll find time to see her? You must be one of those people who only sleeps four hours per night. I disagree with Caveman. Just because she wants to move in doesn’t mean she’s ready to have your children. It could just mean that she doesn’t want to lose you. Maybe the best option, if you want to keep her, is to move her in but make it clear that you’re definitely not ready for marriage or children.
Planned Parenthood: Dude, you don’t want a chick who is this neurotic. You might try sitting her down and calmly explaining to her that the things that she is afraid of are very rare, and that her fear is totally out of proportion to the odds of these things happening to her. But really, there’s a 95% chance that you’re going to have to just break up with this chick.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:36 am
Pink Panther: The answer to your question depends on the guy. For some guys, yes, the anal TOTALLY makes up for it. Some guys aren’t even all that into oral. Some guys love oral more than anything in the world. Some guys don’t like anal, and some guys would live in your ass if you give them the opportunity. It just depends on the guy.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:54 am
Some of us… like myself, need to understand the difference between the two to be able to make an educated decision!
September 11th, 2009 at 1:54 am
Moving In Guy: Unless you’re prepared to pop the question, and I mean like you already bought the ring, don’t do it. IT’S A TRAP. You will move in together, and it will implode spectacularly within six months, and then she will know where all of your nice, expensive shit is that she can then fuck up, and then you have to move out because God forbid she moves out of the apartment YOU signed for. Then, just to spite you, she will fuck it up so you lose your security deposit.
Jizz On Her Face Guy: Some girls love it, some will smack you for even considering it. If the sex is good otherwise, who gives a shit? That’s like saying “I have this great chocolate cake and a tall glass of milk, but you know what would be nice? Whipped cream.” Suck it up and be grateful you’re getting some at all.
29 to 20 Guy: What the fuck is wrong with you? Some 20 year old piece of ass wants to hit it (it being you), and you’re writing in to a sports blog? Fuck it, I’m revoking your Man Card. You can turn in your penis at the nearest headquarters, because clearly you’re not treating it with the proper respect. Seriously though, I’m 25 and I can’t get 20 year olds to sleep with me. Albeit, I haven’t tried, but I wouldn’t say no either. Anyway, destroy that shit. Pull out every perverted thing you’ve ever wanted to do. Break out lunchmeat if you have to. Just positively wreck it. And make sure that every guy after you that hits that goes “Where the fuck did she learn to do that?!?”. It will be your way of Paying It Forward. You have been given a gift; do not let it go to waste.
Long Distance Guy: Long distance relationships only work under exceptionally specific circumstances. They are as follows: 1) You must be able to visit at least once a month. 2) It must be temporary, with a set date upon which you will be together again, 3) You must not be at or going to college, and 4) Neither of you should have better options, i.e. a super hot friend or something to seek solace and sex with. Unless you meet all four criteria, you are doomed to failure.
Planned Parenthood Guy: If she won’t let you come in her, even with the condom on, then I recommend suggesting she finish it off with a beej. Just make sure you clean up first. Then shoot it on her face. HA HA JUST KIDDING.
Leaving Chicago Guy: Never travel for sex unless you have a legally enforceable contract that guarantees you either the craziest sex of your life with her, or an equivalent hooker. And she better be Megan Fox-level hot. Anything less and it’s not worth it at all. Saying you want to have sex with someone and then having them be there and going “Let’s do it” is exceptionally different. Also, the Raiders won’t have a winning season until Al Davis dies. Pencil them in for the playoffs sometime in the 2020s.
Latina GF Guy: You can bark up that tree all you want, but you’re not going to get very far. The Chocolate Highway is, for your lady, exit only.
Steelers Guy: Die in a fire. This is why people hate the Steelers. Also, you have been Friend Zone’d. Your only hope is to get her smashed out of her mind and hope you can activate the “Desperation Switch” that every woman has, the one that turns her Biological Clock Alarm up to 11 and drops her Inhibition Meter to -12. But, afterwards, you can pretty much kiss your friendship goodbye. If she’s a good friend, one you actually want to keep around, don’t fuck it up by trying to sleep with her. Every guy does it once and kicks themselves for it afterwards, myself included. You only sleep with the ones you’re trying to get rid of.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:57 am
PinkPanther: If you asked me when I was drunk which I’d rather only have, blowjobs or anal sex, I’d say beej’s, but I’d have to think about it.
September 11th, 2009 at 3:30 am
dude – your girlfriend interned at planned parenthood. run. just run. now. you’re too slow if you’re still reading this
September 11th, 2009 at 7:27 am
29/20 guy,
I usually try to follow the “Age/2+7″ rule to stay within societal norms, but to hell with it, if she’s a hot 20 yo and you’ve got no attachments, go to town. If you don’t still live in Western Mass, which is a bit presumptuous, but I’m asuming to made it to NY/Bos by this point, then the “small town gossip” factor is completely null and void. Let us know how it went.
September 11th, 2009 at 10:03 am
@guys who want anal/facials etc.
Don’t be an asshole
Tell them how much you want to do it WITH THEM
Make a deal. (maybe you give unlimited backrubs, let her do something kinky with you you aren’t into, buy her something she wants, give that facial in a 4 star hotel). People in LTRs should be willing to go out of their way to make the other person sexually satisfied. If you make the effort she should too.
September 11th, 2009 at 10:47 am
SteelersPride:
Go fuck yourself with a crowbar.
~Chiefs Fan born one year after their last SuperBowl win.
September 11th, 2009 at 11:54 am
Must be opening weekend. Too much football, not enough sex.
September 11th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
29 year old guy with chance to bang 20 year old:
I’m going to buck the trend and say tread cautiously on this.
I was in a similar situation in that I had a chance to bang a hot girl who was a member of a family extremely close to mine. I chose not to pursue it because I determined that this girl wasn’t interested in merely hooking up, but was looking for something more serious while I definitely did not have same attraction for her.
If the young hot piece in question is only interested in hooking up and not looking for anything beyond that then DEFINITELY, go nuts. But if she’s looking for more than you’re willing to give her, be careful. This isn’t just some girl you met at a bar.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
“I took this photo of my hot girlfriend hooking up with this other girl.”
I’d send mine in, but I see you already have it.
@Chicago-St. Louis Connection:
If you travel for work all the time, swing by the next time you’re in town. Demand anal, and blast your nut all over her face. If she comes back, she’s yours.
@Planned Parenthood: Sounds like her internship prematurely terminated your relationship. But hey, she can’t get pregnant if you only go anal, right?
@Steelers Guy: You’ve been permanently Friended, but you may have a shot at Tomlin. I hear he likes homers.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
That mick makes a good point, the don’t-miss-a-drop method is amazingly hot.
/it’s ok, I’m part Irish
September 11th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
RE Big Black Richard Says:
“Slash: I don’t want anal, but my dick *is* majestic, thank you very much for noticing.”
I give all dicks the benefit of the doubt, so I’m sure it is. Majestic, that is.
RE amirite Says:
“Make a deal. (maybe you give unlimited backrubs, let her do something kinky with you you aren’t into, buy her something she wants, give that facial in a 4 star hotel). People in LTRs should be willing to go out of their way to make the other person sexually satisfied. If you make the effort she should too.”
In theory, this sounds OK, but I suspect that in practice it ends up souring more quickly than Jessica Simpson’s love life. You promise a backrub but don’t deliver, she promises a “facial”, but decides at the last minute she doesn’t want to because she doesn’t wanna have to wash her hair. I think it’s a bad policy to turn sexual favors into a sort of tit for tat deal, where you or she does something you don’t really want to do in return for something else. “Hey, babe, hope you liked that 5-minute backrub. Now lay back while I rub one out all over your face.” “Screw you, asshole, the backrub wasn’t that great. Get me that bracelet we saw in the window at Tiffany’s, then I’ll consider it.”
If someone’s not into something, they’re not into it. Sex isn’t like deciding who does the dishes or takes out the trash. Whether you or she takes out the trash, the only thing that changes is the other one doesn’t have to walk out to the dumpster or the side of the house. Not really the same as getting jizz all over your (ie her) face. Especially if it’s expected to be a regular thing.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Re: 29 year old who wants the 20 year old he once babysat
I’d wait until she was 21 and could go to bars. Her universe of potential dates might be smaller at this point and if you take her up on her offer you are really outcompeting 18-20 year old dudes and in hindsight she may think you were an ass for taking her up on her offer. If she has some practice rejecting other 29 year old dudes once she starts hanging out in bars (which she will if she’s hot) and still wants you, then go for it
September 11th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
I usually try to follow the “Age/2+7″ rule to stay within societal norms
You gotta ADD 7 years after dividing your age? Shit…
*calls his 16 year old girlfriend.*
September 11th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
I typically ask “where do you want it?” If I brought the hammer, they usually reply, “anywhere you want.”
September 11th, 2009 at 11:37 pm
@Newbie “Worthless history degree”?! What the hell are you talking about? I have a history degree (PhD), and I get to teach a bunch of slack-jawed, inbred morons who think that going to a university for 5-8 years to get their undergrad degrees guarantees them a high paying job in middle management — with no actual work on their parts. I also get to teach graduate students online (to make up for the fact that I haven’t had a raise in three years, and I’m not likely to get one for several more) who either plagiarize everything they write or think Bismarck is a country that fought Germany in World War I (I shit thee not) — and these fucktards are high school teachers. And the incompetent fuck who misdiagnosed my gall stones for a year and a half is considered a “real” doctor, but I’m not. Yep, you’re missing a fan-fucking-tastic life.
/Shit, I’m out of vermouth
//No Manhattans tonight
///Thank God for bourbon