F-cking TOMORROW, People
Here comes two!
ONE DAY. We make it through today, people, and we are THERE. We survived the off-season.
We did it. We fuckin’ did it. We sustained seven months of Brett Favre’s bullshit, of Peter King’s bullshit, of Roger Goodell’s bullshit, of Donte Stallworth killing pedestrians, of false sexual assault charges (HARF HARF HARF), of draft analysis from Mel Kiper, of Sexy Fridays and commenter drafts and book whoring and This Week in Fuck Yous and fantasy sex/football mailbags, and all that frivolous off-season shit ends tomorrow night. Well, not the Sexy Fridays or mailbags or bullshit from Favre and PK and et cetera, but you get the point: FUCKING PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL IS GONNA HAPPEN. AND IT MATTERS.
Thank. Fucking. God.
I’m almost certain we said this last year, but it bears repeating: every year, I’m more and more excited about the beginning of the NFL season. Every year the off-season is more intolerable. Every year, baseball season is less of a Band-Aid. Every year I devote more time to fantasy football and more time to watching as many of the games as possible. The NFL is crack. That’s why people don’t give a shit if someone dies on the field, Carson Palmer and Peter King. Because this shit is my lifeblood. You go out there and DIE, motherfuckers! Dance for your meal! DANCE!
About a hundred years ago, I wrote a column for Fanhouse called The Prelude. This is what I wrote about the start of the NFL season:
Sunday marks the true beginning of America’s favorite sports season, the 21 weeks that perennially revive historic rivalries, give rise to upstart playoff teams, fuel our fantasy addictions, and shatter the dreams of thousands as injuries and regression topple what we thought were sure things.
But before all that, there is this moment. This moment: the precipice of the season, the result of 31 long weeks of painful waiting between the lifeless bookends of February and August. This is the only time where hope runs unbridled.
Which is to say: I fucking love this moment. I’m a Seahawks fan. A fan of a 4-12 team with no good running backs and a crappy new coach and a lousy offensive line and an aging injury-prone quarterback and a new defensive scheme that doesn’t necessarily fit the talent… and yet I have an honest, genuine belief that they have a real shot at winning the division. Browns fans think Brady Quinn is going to break out this year. Unsilent Majority is pissed that no ESPN experts are picking the Redskins to win the NFC East. Bears fans are thrilled to have the first non-shitty quarterback in team history. Chargers fans are looking past the fact that Norv Turner is their coach. Jets fans believe Mark Sanchez is the second coming of Namath. Fuck, even Tampa fans think the Bucs will make the playoffs. Probably. I don’t actually know any Bucs fans.
It’s fucking beautiful, all of us with these completely unrealistic hopes blooming at once. It’s like the Cherry Blossom Festival without the traffic or tourists. We are all completely delusional, and yet someone’s actually right.
So go forth, NFL fans. Share this joy. Smile at strangers. Buy a lottery ticket. Demand a raise. Quit your job. Grab a cute girl’s ass.
Anything is possible today; nothing unravels until tomorrow.
Tags: captain caveman, gonna regret having Housh in both fantasy leagues, let's get rowdy - BUFFALO STYLE, thank god
![[badge]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/themes/default/images/100121_FOXmsnBadge_200x50.gif)
September 9th, 2009 at 8:46 am
Consider the asses grabbed, good sir.
/cheers for football
September 9th, 2009 at 8:51 am
NFL, fuck yeah!
I’m going to grab my wife’s titties more than usual tomorrow night.
September 9th, 2009 at 8:53 am
That’s why people don’t give a shit if someone dies on the field, Carson Palmer and Peter King.
To quote the late great George Carlin, I say we leave the wounded on the field. They always say football is a war, right? Let the Red Cross come take care of these assholes.
September 9th, 2009 at 8:54 am
Fuck, even Tampa fans think the Bucs will make the playoffs. Probably. I don’t actually know any Bucs fans.
Somewhere, Grimey sheds a single tear, like Iron Eyes Cody.
September 9th, 2009 at 8:55 am
I only smile at strangers when I’m crop dusting.
September 9th, 2009 at 8:57 am
I can’t f-cking wait…plus, I work for DTV (SUNDAY TICKET AND REDZONE, BITCHES!), so while I’m at work, there will be football f-cking everywhere. Including the bathrooms. That’s right…while all you chumps are taking your dumps in private, or trying to smack around your little Brett Favre quietly enough that the next guy over can’t hear you, I can listen to Collinsworth’s smarm and pretend that each splash is a tiny dunk of his tiny head. Or, should one be forced to let one rip: BOOM!…maybe I can talk them into getting a telestrator or a white board…how I’ll miss you John Madden.
And for those of you with iPhones, DTV and AT&T have teamed the f-ck up to bring you live streaming NFL to your precious little gadget.
/done pimping the company
//wishes he had an iPhone
///hates everyone else that does
////won’t really miss John Madden
September 9th, 2009 at 9:05 am
Richard Seymour doesn’t appear to share our excitement.
September 9th, 2009 at 9:12 am
Carson was a bit put off by King’s attempt to deep throat one of Palmer’s smoked sausages during the middle of the interview.
http://www.pyromaniac.com/teams/images/cincinnati-bengals/carson-palmer-hot-dog.png
September 9th, 2009 at 9:22 am
nothing unravels until tomorrow
And if it’s LenWhale or Harfharf’s knee, then all the better.
FOOOOOOOOOTBAWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!
September 9th, 2009 at 9:31 am
Doesn’t this need the “gratuitous simpsons reference” tag?
I also can’t wait for the dumbfounded look on fans’ faces when they realize their team sucks.
/Prepares dumbfounded look for fourth Romo turnover of the first game
September 9th, 2009 at 9:32 am
Pacman ain’t so happy
September 9th, 2009 at 9:35 am
Unsilent Majority is pissed that no ESPN experts are picking the Redskins to win the NFC East.
I’m even more pissed that none of them picked them to even win a Wildcard spot.
September 9th, 2009 at 9:37 am
KSK fans are a Schaub-shoe-tying-injury away from enjoying the resurgence of the Sex Cannon!
Ah skeet skeet skeet
September 9th, 2009 at 9:45 am
let’s get rowdy – BUFFALO STYLE = drink Genny, eat Beef on Weck, piss yourself, then cry yourself to sleep.
September 9th, 2009 at 10:12 am
That fucking fired me up.
September 9th, 2009 at 10:20 am
The beginning of football season is like a first date with a sure thing. There’s the unmitigated hope and joy of getting some mingled with a nagging doubt that you (or, in this case, your team) won’t perform adequately. It’s the only two times in your life that hope and fear mix in such exquisite pain. I’ve got a colleague who says he can’t understand how people can live and die with their teams. Of course, he’s a Seahawks fan.
September 9th, 2009 at 10:30 am
i got hasselbeck as my second round pick and i’m the laughing stock of my league. i just missed out on laserface and needed a QB.
should i be shot in the face?
September 9th, 2009 at 10:31 am
Buffalo style? Now, UU could be accurate. But I’m curious as to what Buffalo style means. And what’s with all the Buffalo hate on the interwebs lately? IT’S NOT THAT BAD HERE!
/cried self to sleep last night after banging a fat chick
September 9th, 2009 at 10:37 am
Hasselbeck in the 2nd round. Is this a 20 team league?
September 9th, 2009 at 10:38 am
Fuck, even Tampa fans think the Bucs will make the playoffs. Probably.
If the Bucs win three of their first seven games, Raheem is a lock for Coach of the Year.
/picked Dallas in Week 1 of the WL suicide pool
//TAM-PAHHHHHH
September 9th, 2009 at 10:38 am
The great thing about being a Chiefs fan? Only two games on FOX this year. The chances of me having to listen to Joe Bucks insufferable cocksucker (his mouth, not Troy Aikman) run this year have dwindled significantly!
Joe Buck can get fucked with and AIDS riddled leprechaun dick.
September 9th, 2009 at 10:39 am
Yes- us Bucs fans think that they’ll make the playoffs this year!!!
/goes back to room with rubber wallpaper
September 9th, 2009 at 10:44 am
MenaceIISobriety
Does your league give points for having a less successful quarterback brother? Why the fuck would any QB but Brees and Brady be taken so early? Did I miss a joke?
September 9th, 2009 at 10:44 am
So other teams sell a false sense of hope every year too? I love the Bills fans who every year, no matter what, get excited that “this is our year” and “we’re making the playoffs”. “Our D is gonna be tough”, and “We’re gonna put up big points with this offense”. Fucking idiots. I’ve called all 7-9 seasons the past three years. 5-11 this year.
September 9th, 2009 at 10:46 am
Hasselbeck in the SECOND round?
WTF? Why? Were you high?
September 9th, 2009 at 10:47 am
FUCK
AND
YES
September 9th, 2009 at 10:48 am
Seriously though, this is the Texans year.
September 9th, 2009 at 10:52 am
just drunk, actually. Hasselbeck 2nd rd. in my 12-team league. i had 8th pick.
i got strong backs and WRs. highest QB available was fucking Neck Beard.
so i got him later. it also appears that they have the same bye week.
if you need me, i’ll be in the garage with the engine running. bring snacks.
September 9th, 2009 at 10:53 am
O WE GON DRANK
September 9th, 2009 at 10:53 am
The National Football League is on tomorrow night people. Those of us who will be watching the National Football League on our television set top boxes will be so completely excited that we might get drunk and bust a nut at the same time (not with Peter King mind you). The new American pastime called the National Football League is a wonderful, wonderful thing and will bring joy to millions of fans, until week one is over and half of us begin to worry about out team’s chances to finish 8-8.
/tried to channel Jaws
//probably failed miserably
///ROMO IS A GODDAMNED TIXAS SIZED STAR
September 9th, 2009 at 10:54 am
@rocco, i was thinking 4-12, but around the same ballpark. i don’t really trust Pill to be OC and they just cut Langston Walker….
September 9th, 2009 at 10:55 am
The 2009 Bills could be a trainwreck bad. And hilarious to watch. Hopefully driving the local print and radio guys to mass suicide.
September 9th, 2009 at 10:56 am
//BAYYYYY
September 9th, 2009 at 11:05 am
We didn’t all make it out of the offseason. We left some brave men behind. Some brave, brave men who will never again see the lights and hear the sounds of football.
September 9th, 2009 at 11:06 am
I’m thinking 6-10 for the Bills, 8-8 with a few upsets. I don’t see them starting 5-0 again, and even if they did we remember how that worked out last year.
September 9th, 2009 at 11:08 am
i spent 20 minutes the other day looking for that old nike commercial of jerry stiller as vince lombardi. al gore forgot to put it in the internet.
September 9th, 2009 at 11:13 am
I’m going to be humming this anthem all day today and tomorrow, and possibly for the rest of autumn.
/ Giants fan ready for team to piss away another championship due to shitty WRs
// IT’S FOOOOOOOOTBALLLLLLL TIIIIIME!!!!!!!
September 9th, 2009 at 11:14 am
Now get out there and stomp on those stupid fucking terrible towels!
/guzzles Patron
September 9th, 2009 at 11:15 am
To be fair, hoping your team wins the NFC West isn’t really setting your standards very high. Someone has to go 8-8 in that division.
/go Niners
September 9th, 2009 at 11:16 am
yo Menace, do you mean Hasselbeck was your 2ND QB, or the QB you took in the 2ND ROUND? unless you’re in a dynasty league or something, I don’t see how the ‘Beck could’ve possibly been the best thing available in the 2nd round, unless literally every pick in the entire draft up to that point had been nothing but QBs.
September 9th, 2009 at 11:16 am
I too am going to grab Underdog’s wife’s titties more than usual tomorrow night !!!
September 9th, 2009 at 11:18 am
Holy shit they were only stationary images and that countdown still got me fired up. I really cannot wait for tomorrow…the long pain of the offseason will soon be replaced by the fresh pain of understanding the Steelers will probably not be repeating this year. I’m gonna need someone to come fix my TV.
September 9th, 2009 at 11:18 am
Bears fans are thrilled to have the first non-shitty quarterback in team history.
Sid Luckman?
September 9th, 2009 at 11:19 am
I swear to God that if Andy Reid runs three consecutive pass plays from the 2 yard line this season I’m gonna throttle my dog.
September 9th, 2009 at 11:19 am
get in line T-Bone, it’s the start of the NFL season. Anything goes.
September 9th, 2009 at 11:20 am
The life of a Colts fan:
“So, how many games are we gonna win this season? 12, 13, 14, 15, or 16?”
“Will we get homefield advantage, a first round bye, or just another division title?”
“I think we can pencil in Manning for 4000 yards and 30 TDs. Anyone disagree?”
/actually really concerned about our situation at LT.
//CJ is going to get Manning killed.
///As Manning goes, so go the Colts.
////HOLYSHITIT’SFOOTBALL
////tits
September 9th, 2009 at 11:22 am
The 2009 Bills could be a trainwreck bad. And hilarious to watch
Dick Jauron already has a chopper warming up just behind the stadium. When he gets canned, it will be like that scene with the Playboy playmates in Apocalypse now.
September 9th, 2009 at 11:24 am
YAY FOOTBALL
FOOTBALL YAY
September 9th, 2009 at 11:27 am
Same feeling in my stomach that I get when I know a vegas trip in a day away.
/not a Simmons reference
//Redskins predictions are dead on
///not as excited as i was 30 seconds ago
September 9th, 2009 at 11:33 am
yeah my first qb taken. i was wrong. laserface was available
/drives rusty tentpole through head
September 9th, 2009 at 11:35 am
M2S, I hope for your sake it’s not a money league.
September 9th, 2009 at 11:40 am
You guys have sports cartoonists doing your book-whoring for you now?
http://www.drewlitton.com/football/2009/09/08/pigskin-and-chauvinist-pigs/
September 9th, 2009 at 11:43 am
As a Broncos fan, I have to disagree. This is the first season in as long as I can remember that I know we don’t have a fucking hope of making the playoffs, and probably not even of having a winning season. My only hope is that McDaniels is run out of town on a rail at the end of it.
September 9th, 2009 at 11:49 am
It’s fucking beautiful, all of us with these completely unrealistic hopes blooming at once.
I was going to claim that Raiders fans like me and Punch Rockgroin don’t suffer from these unrealistic hopes, but then I realized that hoping for Oakland win more than three games is, in fact, pretty unrealistic.
September 9th, 2009 at 11:57 am
/reads TW Andrews post while rubbing nipples
Can we get a Jets fan to complain as well?
September 9th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
Fucking Jets. I’m getting my hopes up again this season and thinking that potentially we could sneak into a wildcard thanks to a great running game and a good defense, but being realistic, the Jets are probably having a 6-10 season. If the Texans beat us 34-17 or something like that, I think all my hope will be shot. Still, it’s great to look forward to.
September 9th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Dude, the Bucs are like THIS close to winning 4 games this year! I can feel it!
September 9th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
In the two games between Denver and Oakland, do they actually have to declare a winner? I hope those games are flexed into Sunday night.
September 9th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Yay! KSK can be funny again.
September 9th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
I’m a Raiders fan. I will frown at all people, buy a scratch off and throw it out before scratchin, demand a pay freeze, apply for a job at Carls Jr and then go home and cornhole my wife.
September 9th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
I’m going to wake up tomorrow with an erection that won’t go away until James Harrison demolishes LenFail White. GO STEELERS!!
September 9th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
The author is clearly of the “lots of F-bombs make for good, edgy writing” school.
September 9th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
@ Wizard, sounds like it should make a good sex/football mailbag story
September 9th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Well my running back just went apeshit on national television in Boise last week so the college season is already over. Might as well watch the NFL. Which team plays in LA these days?
September 9th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Yeah, Tim, what an f-bombing cunt that author is… by the way, welcome to the internet, and congratulations on your first “post”….
September 9th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
I’m a Raiders fan scouting the fastest players in the NCAA for our #1-3 draft positions next year. No use in scouting for 2011.
I know I should be hopeful, but watching pre-season I have nothing. My team sucks (*). But its a different kind of suck than most other sucky teams. The Raiders suck everywhere and at every level. They even suck at sucking. Suck it Al Davis, your senile ass is consistently ruining my fall rituals. My Chargers “fans” friends are now giving me pity. Fuck that! My team sucks so bad that fairweather San Diego douchebags are throwing me a pity party.
* except for the Lechler, Asamuough and McFadden, 1 of 3 are already injured.
September 9th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Thank fucking God that Lord Football is back. And I get to be excited for my team this year.
Fuck Brett Favre. Fuck Cutlerfucker. Fuck Matt Stafford. Fuck AP. Fuck Forte. That should cover it for now.
/needs more Goth Aaron Rodgers.
September 9th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
As a Jets fan I am looking forward to the easy schedule that we are given that will lead to a 10-6 record and probably wild card which will lead to a first round loss which will lead to a slightly hard schedule next season which will lead to a 6-10 season which will…PASSERSBY WERE AMAZED AT THE UNUSUALLY LARGE AMOUNTS OF BLOOD
September 9th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
This is the only time where hope runs unbridled.
/dickjoke
September 9th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
@TW Andrews
Fuck you, I still like our chances in the AFC worst!
September 9th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
FACK YES! I JUST BAWT MY ANNUWUL THREE SLEEVES A SKOAL FA THIS!
(vomits on T)
FACK!
September 9th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
The possibilities are limitless right now. My hopes for the season:
- All Packers fans (who look like this guy: http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/packfanaj.jpg) will finally cause Lambeau to collapse due to their planetoid-esque combined weight (fueled by their cheese curd diets). This will cease the existence of the most irritating team and fan base in the NFL.
- Brett Favre will taken out with a crack-back block while he is pursuing a defender that has intercepted one of his passes. He will be hospitalized, and then die when he is double-teamed by John Madden and Peter King – both of whom are trying to revitalize the land baron with their “special sauce.”
- Tampa will sign Bernard Pollard before Sunday, so that Mr. Pollard can apply his QB tackling skills to Tony Homo. Or, I’ll settle for Double J’s scoreboard to fall on the QB with a penchant for crying on the field.
- The Sex Cannon will start the season for the Texans and lead them to the Super Bowl, just so I can read about his exploits each week. Or I’d settle for the same thing to happen to JT O’Sullivan. Egads! Imagine a ksk article featuring the Cumslinger AND the headstrong John of the clan O’Sullivan!
September 9th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
@Grimey – TAMPAAHHHH
(crickets chirp)
(only other Tampa fan outside of Clearwater)
September 9th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
‘that scene with the Playboy playmates in Apocalypse now.’
Love it. Boy I love the smell of napalm and the taste of pointy titties in the morning!
September 9th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Ahhhh. The day when everything is possible. Oh, sweet sweet Football. Yeeehaaawwwww!
September 9th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
Thursday NFL is an abortion, even if it does get the season started 3 days earlier than usual. Fuck Thursday football in it’s Bryant Gumbel-hole.
September 9th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
Fuck, even Tampa fans think the Bucs will make the playoffs. Probably.
If the Bucs win three of their first seven games, Raheem is a lock for Coach of the Year.
Buccaneers’ first seven games: Cowboys, Bills, Giants, Redskins, Eagles, Panthers, Patriots. If Coach Morris can pull three wins out of that schedule, he’s the new Bill Parcells.
September 9th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Tim G: ‘The author is clearly of the “lots of F-bombs make for good, edgy writing” school’
The author of the previous comment is clearly from the “I got my liberal arts degree in English with a minor in philosophy … would you like fries with that?” school.
September 9th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
EDinCali
Damn! That post was painful! Maybe you’ll feel better when the Raiders come to Dallas and DeMarcus Ware BASTES THEIR THANKSGIVING FUCKIN’ TURKEY!!! YEEEEHAAAWWWW!!!!!
/knows Asamoog…Asamuogu…Asa?????? is bad ass.
September 9th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
Hope? What is this “hope” you speak of?
/Lions fan
//At least we can’t do worse!
September 9th, 2009 at 7:50 pm
Great post…
Thing of it is, Im a Steelers fan. Therefore my hopes to repeat are not only completely well founded, but likely to happen!
So that whole unrealistic expectations bit kinda went over my head.
See yall in February
September 9th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
Caveman carries the KSK blog – there I said it – he’s the only reason why I still visit this site
September 9th, 2009 at 9:07 pm
As a Tampa fan I look at 4 wins as a good year. The schedule is brutal, the quarterback situation is as bad as any in the league, and the defense has me a little concerned to say the least. But with Caddy and his knee made of a crazy straw, Graham, and Ward we should have capable running backs.
Gaines Adams should have a good year. The Defense will be on the field a lot.
September 9th, 2009 at 11:47 pm
My hopes are simple…that there might be some sort of KSK Live Blog tomorrow night, which will make the game twice as entertaining as it would be otherwise
/sort of pandering
//anticipating the certain liveblog of my Patriots vs. the Bills Monday night
///ducks after stating my NFL allegiance
September 10th, 2009 at 12:11 am
Beautiful piece, CC. Thanks.
But I’m a Vikings fan and for the first time in forever I don’t know what to do about this season. When my real team (defense) is on the field? We’re gonna run over motherfuckers. E.J. is back and we are going to continue to hurt people. Purple Jesus is a sight to behold, provided he hangs on to the damn ball! I will root for my boys. No question.
But.
There is this quarterback thing that I haven’t sorted out yet. Guess I’ll cheer for the receivers who catch the ball. On Berrian, Harvin, Wade and on Rice!
Fuck Brett Farve in the pee-hole! Gee, that felt nice.
September 10th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
A-fucking men. This is the year the Patriots WITH Brady fall apart. The Dolphins are taking the division with a 12-4 record!
/showing Peezy respect
//thinks the Dolphins should pimp out their cheerleaders more often the night before a game in Miami.
/// Fuck Buffalo, New York and New England (also known as Boston to most of their “fans”)
September 10th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
I lost my job yesterday (Wednesday). The only two things that cheer me up are: football and alcohol.
September 10th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
Rowdy Roddy Peeper is a moran. Every team plays at most 2 games on the non-conference network. Games between an NFC team and an AFC team appear on the network of the away team, and each team plays two home games and two away games against the other conference.
The real reason Joe Buck won’t be doing a Chiefs game is because FOX only schedules him to do the good games.