Cowboys Stadium Features Cage Dancers, Lacks End Zone Stripper Poles
Much has been made of the many eye-opening features at the new Cowboys Stadium, and rightly so. I thought we’d already seen everything the stadium had to offer, and then we were treated to the cage dancers. That development got us wondering what other features Jerry Jones tried to cram into the stadium. After a little bit of digging we managed to come up with a list of proposed stadium features that didn’t make the cut for a variety of reasons.
- A four drink minimum
- Mirrored ceilings
- Cheerleader locker room cam
- Indoor coach firing squad
- Tower of Babel built to scale
- Massive throne for when God shows up to watch his team
- Shark tank dancers
- Marcus Dixon’s Super Fun Kids’ Playroom
- 18 hole golf course
- Monorail around concourse
- Oversized belt buckle concession stand
- Gun check
- Double wooden swinging doors in front of the tunnel
- Michael Irvin’s Barbershop
- A kick ass rear spoiler
- Swearing in of all club-level ticket holders as “Deputies”
- Pass defense
- Sideline hitching posts
- Baked potato bar
- Sarsaparilla vendors
- Mean dog on a chain in lieu of stadium security
- Hologram ushers
- Glory holes
- All you can eat pussy buffet
- On-site White House with shuttle access to special dirtier off-site White House
- Wade Phillips dunk tank
- Jason Garret’s dining club (closed to the public)
- “Shoot your own steak” barbecue pit/cattle corral
- Flozell Adams Brazilian Wax Salon
- Used cheerleader panties concession stand
Image via Flickr
Tags: bad MS Paint, Cowboys Stadium, gratuitous simpsons references, Jerry Jones, ksk group posts, Unsilent Majority
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September 21st, 2009 at 2:35 pm
- Life-size NFC East player meat-pinatas — or meatatas: Division opponent effigies filled w/ nasty meat
- Jerry Jones Virtual Owner Sphere: hire and fire like Jerry, but virtually
- Hot Dog Wine Angels: Just like wine angels, but with hot dogs
September 21st, 2009 at 2:40 pm
Seems like they could have fit a replica of Troy Aikman’s burning house in there…
September 21st, 2009 at 2:43 pm
- Standing room only seats 7,000 feet away from the field that poor sons-of-bitches will actually pay for so Jerrah can claim attendance records
sorry, wrong list
September 21st, 2009 at 2:43 pm
da poosy monsta approves of the buffet.
September 21st, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Shrine to Our Lady of Guadalupe (Patron Saint of Mexico)
If PacMan was still with the team they would have built that all you can eat pussy buffet.
/gon drank and eat dat puzzay
September 21st, 2009 at 2:45 pm
I imagine the bullriding dancers did make the cut but ESPN has the exclusive rights to show that next Monday night. Is it possible ESPN can cover the stadium in an even more obnoxious way than NBC?
September 21st, 2009 at 2:48 pm
- Absurdly massive HDTV video screens that hang over the field and interfere with gamepl- …wait, those are real.
September 21st, 2009 at 2:48 pm
- Pass defense
Well played Maj.
Seeing that stadium last night reminded me of Mojo’s arena from the X-Men cartoons. That said, the NFL being a copycat league, I hope more teams get on board with having cage dancers.
September 21st, 2009 at 2:48 pm
African Americans in the stands
September 21st, 2009 at 2:51 pm
At least they didn’t go through the initial design to build glass-bottomed cages. Jerrah decided the glare would have affected the aesthetics too much. So now, tasteful.
September 21st, 2009 at 2:53 pm
I think every arena needs an all you can eat pussy buffet, just on principle.
September 21st, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Who needs pass defense when you have a goddamn star like Tony Romo? Huh? What? Fuck me.
September 21st, 2009 at 3:01 pm
- A Roger Staubach/Troy Aikman cloner
- A giant synchronized light show with which to communicate with the UFOs.
- A gravy bath for Wade
- New hamstrings for Marion Barber III
- A Tixas Titties purchase stand
September 21st, 2009 at 3:01 pm
-taste
-humility
-reasonable sense of proportion
September 21st, 2009 at 3:02 pm
World’s largest face lift clinic.
September 21st, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Jerry Jones gives the people what they want…Except a win over the Gmen
September 21st, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Sorry Jerry, Rex Ryan already opened the pussy eating buffett at the Meadowlands. Can’t wait for double J’s reaction to Blubber Butt’s shrine-opening loss.
September 21st, 2009 at 3:04 pm
I guffawed heartily until “Pass Defense.”
Then I was sad.
September 21st, 2009 at 3:04 pm
Dallas Cowboys “Star” branding stations for tramp stamps. (Tattoos are so old stadium.)
September 21st, 2009 at 3:05 pm
- Pass defense
Needs more horse-collars.
September 21st, 2009 at 3:07 pm
We did fit John Madden and Wade Phillips into the same building. It’s GOTTA BE HUGE.
/everyone in Dallas is fat
September 21st, 2009 at 3:07 pm
@TomahawkFlop…I think Ole Wade needs to rip Double J this week instead of the usual. Wade did an ok job, but the talent was on the other side of the field all night.
September 21st, 2009 at 3:09 pm
What about dogs with bees in their mouths, so when they bark they shoot bees at you?
September 21st, 2009 at 3:09 pm
miamidiesel- you mean “well played, group”
September 21st, 2009 at 3:10 pm
Troy Aikman’s Mental Health Clinic
September 21st, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Jackie Smith’s Allstate agency.
September 21st, 2009 at 3:17 pm
@TSW: Done and done: http://tinyurl.com/mvo26a
September 21st, 2009 at 3:19 pm
- Cotton Bowl (because it’ll fit)
- More stars
- Book to head station when something stupid is said (happens a lot… long lines)
September 21st, 2009 at 3:20 pm
well, i’d say that checks off darn near everything on the texas cliche list, except maybe a shooting gallery with live Indians as targets.
September 21st, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Nate Newton’s Amsterdam Coffee Shop.
September 21st, 2009 at 3:33 pm
@ravenouspenguins: Somebody had Drag a black man behind a pickup?
September 21st, 2009 at 3:35 pm
tissues
September 21st, 2009 at 3:43 pm
The cheerleaders are wearing far more clothing than I would have expected, given that it was the first regular season game and it was quite warm yesterday (90s), so they opened up that giant retractable roof. So what’s with the sleeves and the midriff-covering?
Also, I’m surprised there isn’t an enormous cross somewhere on this thing, to signify its true importance. I think it is now the largest place of worship in America.
September 21st, 2009 at 4:00 pm
An Affliction T shirt stand. I saw more of those there last night than Barber jerseys.
A Truffle Macaroni and Cheese bar. Oh wait, they actually have this.
@ Slash: Those weren’t the cheerleaders, they were the practice squad.
@ Ryno: Very few black people, but we make it up with Mexicans.
September 21st, 2009 at 4:01 pm
I think it was at halftime when Jerry Jones unveiled the golden calf at mid-field and shouted to the masses, “HERE! HERE IS YOUR GOD!”
September 21st, 2009 at 4:05 pm
They’ve got an all you can eat pussy buffet. It’s called Romo.
September 21st, 2009 at 4:37 pm
RE Stonecutter Says:
“@ Slash: Those weren’t the cheerleaders, they were the practice squad.”
I see. It must take years of practice in ass-shaking, pelvic-thrusting and titty-jiggling before you are allowed to unveil the goods in God’s Stadium for reals as an official DALLAS COWBOYS CHEERLEADER. Duly noted.
September 21st, 2009 at 4:41 pm
@Slash: actually, yes.
They take that whole cheerleader for the Dallas Cowboys thing extremely seriously. Think pageant moms X 10.
September 21st, 2009 at 4:42 pm
100,000 screaming redneck douchebuckets.
September 21st, 2009 at 4:45 pm
I would be laughing my ass off at this thread if I wasn’t a Cowboys fan. For the record, there were only 55,000 rednecks in attendance. The other half were hispanic gang members.
September 21st, 2009 at 4:50 pm
Emmitt Smiff’s Language Learning Center
September 21st, 2009 at 5:27 pm
@someone:
That is hilarious. +1
@El Nene:
So, half of the audience was comprised of Raiders fans?
September 21st, 2009 at 5:33 pm
Would Hank Hill approve?
September 21st, 2009 at 5:34 pm
re: Largest place of worship in America.
College football stadiums, dude. They’re bigger and more worshippier.
September 21st, 2009 at 6:01 pm
Also, no sushi bars. In Texas they eat meat gotdamnit. Only those homos on the left coast eat bait.
September 21st, 2009 at 6:26 pm
May as well call it the best little whore house in Texas cause I can the the cowboys getting fucked on a weekly basis
September 21st, 2009 at 8:25 pm
Gun Check?
Actually, I went to a Mavs game at the American Airlines Center and first thing I had to do was walk through a metal detector, plus remember when Philly did those guns for 76ers tickets.
September 22nd, 2009 at 12:04 pm
I have tons and tons of pornography I would like to send to anyone who wants it. Please email me for all the most amazing porn you have ever seen at Brian_g484@hotmail.com
Brian the porn king
September 23rd, 2009 at 7:32 am
the bukakke-o-matic 9000.
September 23rd, 2009 at 10:08 am
Grassy knoll