Coach Ryan’s Got A Message For You
Jets Fan: Honey, you seen my keys?
Wife: They’re in the drawer.
Jets Fan: Why do you always put them in the drawer? I use ‘em every day! Now I gotta go open the drawer every freakin’ time!
Wife: Oh, you’ll live.
Jets Fan: We’ll have words, woman.
(phone rings)
Jets Fan: Huh. I don’t recognize that number. Eh, what the hey. I’ll answer it.
(flip phone flies open)
Ryan: HOW THE FUCK YA DOIN’? THIS IS COACH REX RYAN, OF YOUR NEW YORK JETS…
Jets Fan: Oh, hey! Hi, Coach Ry…
Ryan: And I’m calling to let you know how much we need your support this week against the Titans.
Jets Fan: Oh, it’s a recording!
Ryan: …After all, they DO have a better coach, and they DID have the best record in football last year. I mean, they’re so strong up front. Really, our boys’ll be lucky just to be in the game by the fourth quarter.
Jets Fan: Really?
Ryan: FUCK NO! WE’RE GONNA FUCKING KILLLLLLLLLLL!!!! But I guess you’re just gonna sit home and not bother to come out…
Jets Fan: Well I…
Ryan: …I guess you figure we were lucky to beat the Pats, so this’ll be our letdown game. I bet you’re gonna stay home and flood your maxipad, right?
Jets Fan: Um…
Ryan: HELL FUCKING NO, YOU AIN’T. YOU’RE COMING TO THE STADIUM ON SUNDAY, AND YOU’RE GONNA CHEER FOR OUR BOYS UNTIL YOUR THROAT IS LEATHER. AND WE’RE GONNA WIN, AND THEN YOU’RE GONNA GO HOME, GRAB YOUR WIFE’S HAIR, AND FUCK HER UNTIL HER KNEES SHAKE! RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS! Now stay on the line for five minutes while I eat this sub!
Jets Fan: Okay…
Wife: What’s going on?
Jets Fan: I think he’s eating a sub. Hey, we gotta go to the game this weekend.
Wife: Why?
Ryan: TELL HER YOU DON’T NEED TO FUCKING EXPLAIN YOURSELF! WINNERS DON’T HAVE TO EXPLAIN SHIT! THEY JUST KILLLLLLLLL!!!
Jets Fan: Uh…
Ryan: Okay, I’m finished. That was a great fucking sub. Okay, next order of business: Nicknames. I’ve giving you a nickname. Your new nickname is PUSSYPILOT. Don’t question it, because it’s a fucking rock star nickname. Next order of business: fighting. You see some braindead Tennessee zombie in the stands on Sunday, YOU FUCKING BEAT HIS ASS WITH A HAMMER. I WANT THESE ASSHOLES LAID OUT. I WANT BLOOD IN THE AISLES. I ALREADY TOLD SECURITY IT WAS ALL GOOD. DON’T WORRY. COACH RYAN’S GOT YOUR FUCKING BACK. ALL HE ASKS IS THAT YOU GET HIS.
Jets Fan: Wow.
Ryan: Next up: Cheering. Did you know Kerry Collins is a boozer? Well, that fucker is. SO REMIND HIS ASS. Also, Chris Johnson’s grandma died last week. YOU LET HIM KNOW WHAT A PUSSY HE IS FOR MISSING HER. I also think one of those guys is diabetic. I already told all the CVSs around the area to delay their insulin shipments. YOU BE SURE TO WAVE CANDY BARS FROM THE STANDS TO TAUNT THOSE FUCKS.
Jets Fan: Okay.
Ryan: You listen to me, Jets fan. This ain’t your father’s Jets. Your father was a pussy. I’m sorry, son, but it’s true. Hell, these ain’t even your grandpas Jets. These are the fucking Rex Ryan Jets. We’re gonna fucking annihilate those fuckers. Then we’re gonna stomp on their heads. Then we’re gonna eat turkey drumsticks, drink Beam right from the bottle, sing Def Leppard karaoke, and bang 17-year-olds in the mouth. You ready? You gonna do some fucking?
Jets Fan: Well I…
Ryan: YEAHHHHHHHHH, YOU ARE! It’s a new day, buddy boy. WE ARE FUCKING WINNERS. AND SO ARE YOU. STARTING TODAY, YOU ARE A FUCKING WINNER. YOU WALK AROUND WITH YOUR CHEST OUT AND YOUR CHIN UP, AND YOU DON’T TAKE SHIT FROM ANYONE, YOU FUCKING GOT ME? IF SOMEONE STEPS TO YOU, YOU FUCKING SLAUGHTER THEM! KILLLLL!!!! ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME?
Jets Fan: Yes!
Ryan: NOW FUCKING BASH YOUR PHONE AGAINST THE WALL! DO IT! SMASH THAT FUCKER!
Jets Fan: (smashes phone) RAHHHHHHH!!
Wife: What are you doing?
Jets Fan: We’re having sex. Right now. Let’s go.
Wife: Oh, Mickey!
Ryan: YEAH, FUCK HER! KILLLLLL THAT POON! Oh man, I gotta piss like you read about!
(hangs up)
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, rex ryan: greatest coach ever, robocalls, that might be lebatard in that photo, your prime motivator
September 24th, 2009 at 10:01 am
Fuck, this makes me want to be a Jets fan.
/when is Mora going to pull something like this
//wishes Owen Schmitt would bash his head on someone during a game
September 24th, 2009 at 10:03 am
I wish I worked for him.
September 24th, 2009 at 10:04 am
Runs out of office and headbutts wall
/Frerotted
September 24th, 2009 at 10:04 am
It is better to have died as a small boy than to disappoint Rex Ryan.
September 24th, 2009 at 10:04 am
lofty.
September 24th, 2009 at 10:06 am
I want Rex Ryan to give the best man speech at my wedding. This shit is EPICALLY funny.
September 24th, 2009 at 10:07 am
Totally in for the Beam and turkey drumsticks.
And three 17-year-olds please.
September 24th, 2009 at 10:09 am
Rex Ryan, awesome KSKharacter or awesomest KSKharacter?
September 24th, 2009 at 10:10 am
these posts make me proud to be a jets fan.
September 24th, 2009 at 10:10 am
Yeah… I’m a winner… I’M A FUCKING WINNER! THANKS COACH!
/has sex with woman
//has kids with woman
///has sex with woman in front of new kids
September 24th, 2009 at 10:12 am
Jets Fan: We’ll have words, woman.
ha! Famous last words….
Wife: Oh, Mickey!
Nice touch – a subtle jab that did not go unnoticed.
September 24th, 2009 at 10:15 am
Well… that does it… I’m now a Jets fan. The Jets are officially now my AFC team.
R-Y-A-N
RYAN RYAN RYAN YEAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
September 24th, 2009 at 10:15 am
\has rex ryan’s back
\\lives in tennessee
\\\needs a lot of fucking hammers
September 24th, 2009 at 10:16 am
sweet lord yes
September 24th, 2009 at 10:23 am
/is a Texans fan suffering from severe Stockholm Syndrome
September 24th, 2009 at 10:24 am
I may be a Giants fan, but I still got Rex’s back. Especially since he didn’t bitch out like the Titans and Cowboys and stop blitzing in the 4th quarter. When something’s working, DON’T TRY TO BE FANCY AND DO THE EXACT OPPOSITE! Oh, and he beat the Pats, which is always lofty.
September 24th, 2009 at 10:25 am
So fucking awesome. Ryan is eXXXtreme!
I know several football coaches on the high school and college level. I’m printing this out and giving it to them in hopes they will read it to their teams before this weekend.
September 24th, 2009 at 10:28 am
I notice that this week it isn’t tagged “I wish he coached my team so very badly.” Awesome kharacter.
September 24th, 2009 at 10:28 am
Even though I perfectly know what Rex Ryan sounds like, I enjoy reading his lines as Kenny Powers. It’s funnier to me that way. Also, Rex was on Inside the NFL last night and I was thoroughly disappointed that he didn’t curse or talk about fucking or killing.
/feel great being a Jets fan
//still, by nature of being a Jets fan, I am pessimistic about the next 2 games and still don’t think we’ll make the playoffs or will get knocked out in the first round if we do
September 24th, 2009 at 10:28 am
not going to lie. The Rex Ryan posts are my reason for living now.
September 24th, 2009 at 10:28 am
Damn, any chance Jerry Richardson’s a KSK fan and will hire Sexy Rexy away? Please?
September 24th, 2009 at 10:32 am
Rex Ryan is therapist, best friend, and pimp all rolled into one giant-sized package of awesome. He doesn’t respect the sun, the sun respects HIM! I need him as my life coach…
September 24th, 2009 at 10:32 am
I feel like a FUCKING WINNER after reading this!
/Grabs first woman he see and kisses her.
//Gets slapped
YEAH! I’M A WINNER!
September 24th, 2009 at 10:32 am
Damn, I just smashed my phone too.
/hopes my wife wants to fuck in front of the kids tonight
September 24th, 2009 at 10:34 am
I hate the Jets with every fiber of my being, but if having them around allows this kind of post to happen weekly, I’m willing to make that trade.
September 24th, 2009 at 10:39 am
Speechless
September 24th, 2009 at 10:45 am
But I thought Mickey smashed the phone…
/ducks flying hammer
//wasn’t a Titans fan.
September 24th, 2009 at 10:47 am
I hated them last year, but now I want them 6-0 in the division and cruising.
However I am a 49ers fan, and we have Singletary, so we have our own coach of Awesomeness.
September 24th, 2009 at 10:50 am
I would like Rex Ryan to come to my job and do motivational speaking. After reading this post, I’m ready to go to my competitor’s office and knock somebody the fuck out.
/fondly remembers how Buddy Ryan used to talk the same way back in Philly
//And we loved Buddy for it despite the fact he couldn’t coach
September 24th, 2009 at 10:52 am
/mouthbangs 17-year-old
September 24th, 2009 at 10:57 am
I’m with Chef. Singletary would drop his shorts and smother Ryan’s face in butthole.
September 24th, 2009 at 11:04 am
Your new nickname is PUSSYPILOT. Don’t question it, because it’s a fucking rock star nickname.
YESSIR!!!
September 24th, 2009 at 11:09 am
Goddamnit. As a fan of a cetain western NY team with a corpse for a head coach, these posts make me die a little on the inside even while I’m laughing out loud. (Well, these posts and the ability to not blow a sure win against the pats at the last minute because of dumb mistakes and abandoning the defensive gameplan.)
September 24th, 2009 at 11:12 am
IMMA GO SKULLFUCK THE PARKING LOT ATTENDANT!
September 24th, 2009 at 11:14 am
Boooooooooo yahh I am ready to run through a wall!
September 24th, 2009 at 11:16 am
“I’ve got to piss like you read about” is by far my favorite line in this one. I need to start using that.
September 24th, 2009 at 11:16 am
This is all fine and good, and funny, which is important.
But if the Jets have continued success, you will begin to see more Jets fans around. Jets fans tend to make Tommy from Quinzy seem calm, centered and McQueen (no one denies this).
You’ll all live to regret this.
September 24th, 2009 at 11:18 am
This post was epic. Seriously, it should win the. . . well, whatever the award is for good writing, this post should win it.
This post made me want to root for the Jets.
September 24th, 2009 at 11:21 am
god I want to bang 17 years old in the mouth.
September 24th, 2009 at 11:22 am
that has to be jason marquis.
September 24th, 2009 at 11:23 am
I feel that the awesomeness of Rex Ryan will turn on us. Remember how it was kinda cool to see the Patriots beat the Rams or the Red Sox beat the Yankees?
Rex Ryan, please do not become so awesome, or stay so awesome, that I’m forced to cheer for the Pats or Steelers and Drew is forced to create Jersey’s edition of Tommy from Quinzee.
That said, I’m frantically trying to trade for the Jets defense.
September 24th, 2009 at 11:24 am
One of the best ones I’ve seen in a while.
Quite possibly becoming my new favorite KSKharacter.
The flood your maxipad bit was lofty.
September 24th, 2009 at 11:26 am
Is the default on drew’s keyboard set to caps lock and he just turns it off every so often?
September 24th, 2009 at 11:28 am
Jets Fan: Honey, you seen my keys?
Wife: They’re in the drawer.
Jets Fan: Why do you always put them in the drawer? I use ‘em every day! Now I gotta go open the drawer every freakin’ time!
Wife: Oh, you’ll live.
I presume that dialogue was quoted directly from a conversation recently held in the Magary household. Here’s a helpful hint: Keep your keys in your pants pocket and your wife can’t fuck with them.
September 24th, 2009 at 11:29 am
I’m looking forward to the episode where Rex Ryan drives out to Rich Kotite’s house and gives him a swirlie.
September 24th, 2009 at 11:31 am
The best nickname is still pussy mangler
September 24th, 2009 at 11:32 am
It’s sad that this is what it takes for us to get riled up…
For some other team! Although I must admit, this is my favorite kharacter so far.
September 24th, 2009 at 11:34 am
The only thing that gets me pumped more than a speech like that is knowing today will bring us another Dick Joke Jamboroo.
/best part of my Thursday workdays
September 24th, 2009 at 11:35 am
I honestly didnt think anything could ever be better than Marmalard until now. Good show.
September 24th, 2009 at 11:37 am
rex ryan, +10,000.
i wish andy reid would do shit like this, but instead he just sneaks in my house at night and steals my food.
September 24th, 2009 at 11:42 am
Ball-peen, sledge, or claw, Coach? So many options.
September 24th, 2009 at 11:45 am
100% on the Jets Bandwagon, Rex Ryan is by FAR the marquee character of the NFL season on KSK.
September 24th, 2009 at 11:46 am
The picture of Ryan with the stretchy baseball/football belt is a nice touch to remind us of his largesse (or largeness?). My guess is the elastic part of the belt is fully extended and that extra belt hole is there to accomodate aforementioned sub (and the ensuing bucket of KFC).
Hilarious material … not quite Vick (here’s hoping for a return post to honour his upcoming return to action), but excellent.
September 24th, 2009 at 11:55 am
I am at work despite a mild case of food poinsoning keeping me on the shitter all night with a puke bucket in front of me. I was not ready to work until I just read this.
September 24th, 2009 at 11:57 am
ditto all of the above – classic!
September 24th, 2009 at 11:59 am
My kids will look upon this season as the season they became Jets fans.
*sniff* I am so freaking proud just writin’ that
/start saving for bail money
//buys some hammers
///looks for 17 year old chicks with sweet lips
September 24th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
9.99… all it was missing was ‘ewok village’… but the jets haven’t played Ricky and the fins yet…
September 24th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
I also have Kenny Powers voice in my head when reading Rex… the line of “FUCK NO WE ARE GONNA KILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL” makes me wish he would replace Marvin here in Cinci. Would love to see how ochocinco would do with coach Ryan
September 24th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
@ Phresh – They might have a chance if Ronnie Brown can play Linebacker / Defensive back / Kick Returner / Special Teams coverage also.
September 24th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
*wipes tear from eye*
This is incredible. Marmalard who?
September 24th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
I’m hoping for a future run-in between Coach Rex and Sgt. Coughlin.
/floods maxipad
September 24th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Can’t breathe. Coach Ryan is awesome, he can mouthfuck my 17 year old girlfriend anytime he wants.
September 24th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
FUCK YEAH
/drops pants
//headbutts phone
///fucks first wife in front of second wife
September 24th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Epic wrapped in a tortilla of awesomeness and covered in the sweet red chili sauce of triumphant.
Can’t wait for the MNF between the Saints and the Jets. How will Khoach Ryan motivate his team to stop Holy Breesus? It should be interesting.
September 24th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
Others have said it already, but it’s so very true: I absolutely abhor the Jets, but these Rex Ryan posts get me all tingly inside.
September 24th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
RBP – unfortunately, we don’t play the Jets on MNF. Just the Pats and Dirty Birds.
And you know that NO ONE can stop Breesus.
Not even REXY.
September 24th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Holy shit. These are the best posts in the history of this site.
September 24th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
We need to know-what kind of sub are we talking about?
Jets fans could never be as insufferable as Massholes. Is was great to see all those Pats fans leave the Meadowlands dissappointed last week. Hope your AC broke down on I95 on your way to mom’s basement.
September 24th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
I hope the jets decide to pick up Adam Jones
September 24th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
A true Jerseyan would call it a “hoagie.”
/Rex-slapped
September 24th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
Wwere Sexxy Rexy and SGT COughlin meet, I’m guessing there would be a perfect storm of F-bombs.
September 24th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Fuck the goddamn jets!
/still wish this version of Rex Ryan was our coach.
September 24th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
I honestly think I know that dude in the photo at the top.
September 24th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
@skim
And that hoagie would have come from WaWa.
September 24th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
So, what, is there no more Dyslexy Rexy now? Has that caricature been put out to pasture? I share everyone’s man-crush on the new Rex Ryan, but couldn’t you throw in a “KCUF!” every once in awhile?
September 24th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Hilarious. We need Rex Ryan posts every week. This will never stop being funny.
September 24th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
Man, how did the Jets suddenly get so… not hateable in just one year?
September 24th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
Sweet Holy Jesus!
“I bet you’re gonna stay home and flood your maxipad, right?”
Rex Ryan is the Noah’s ark of flooded maxi-pads…
September 24th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
i cant wait til one day rex ryan and marmalard showdown
September 24th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
J-E-T-S
KILL! KILL! KILL!
/thinks Mark Chmura agrees with the parts about the 17 yr olds
September 24th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
Jets get rid of Mangini and bring in REX RYAN TO FUCKING KILL EVERYONE.
The Browns get rid of Crennel and bring in…..Mangini. They also decide to bench Horseballs (the man, the myth, the legend) in favor of “Marsha” Brady Quinn.
/mad at GM for repeatedly trying to bring in former Belicheck “gurus”
//next seasons head coach? Charlie Wes, after he gets fired at Notre Dame of course
///Fuck Brady Quinn
September 24th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
No, only twats from SoJo and Philly call them “hoagies”. Sub is the right term
September 24th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
Today is a new day and we are fucking winners
September 24th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
/fucks girlfriend
//fucks a Titans fan’s girlfriend too
///punches the latter in the face
/not even a Jets fan, just very excited
September 24th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
I’ve been Blue since Y.A. but two more of these could make me GangGreen. Hilarious stuff.
September 24th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
Damn I’m actually jealous of jets’ fans. I would love an Andy Reid kharacter but it would be Jabba the Hut with crackhead kids. With less game awareness of course.
September 25th, 2009 at 1:30 am
(flip phone flies open) – Way to keep it continue..
/I LOL’d
//hides 17yo daughter
September 25th, 2009 at 1:54 am
I just want to see Tawmee has to say about Rex Ryan after last week…. or what Ryan has to say about Tawmee…
September 25th, 2009 at 2:37 am
Coach Ryan is all I aspire to be in life.
September 25th, 2009 at 2:45 am
@H CUZ
Man, how did the Jets suddenly get so… not hateable in just one year?
Simple…lose Favre and Mangini.
September 25th, 2009 at 11:00 am
I was going to go get some coffee…don’t need it now.
September 25th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
I notice that Rex has one hole remaining in his belt. How long ’til he advances to it?
September 25th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Well, my life has new meaning.
September 25th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
I gotta admit, I’m really feelin’ the Rex Ryan character.
September 26th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Any chance we’ll get to see Rex attempt the impossible and try to motivate Vernon Gholston?
September 27th, 2009 at 11:36 am
Matt Leinart’s Clipboard Says:
September 25th, 2009 at 1:30 am
(flip phone flies open) – Way to keep it continue..
/I LOL’d
//hides 17yo daughter
======
Wait, Matt Leinart has a 17 year old daughter? There’s something off about this…
September 27th, 2009 at 11:57 am
CO-FUCKIN-CAINE!!!!
September 28th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
If we can get one of these a week for the rest of the season, I’ll be an even happier Jets fan
September 28th, 2009 at 8:23 pm
as a patriots fan, this is making me like the jets. laserface and REX FUCKIN RYAN make this the best site there is
September 30th, 2009 at 5:35 am
Rex Ryan Flipped me off at the AFC Championship game, ever since then this is exactly how I imagined him.
Thank you KSK.