Coach Haley Is Not Pleased With Your Execution
(Chiefs practice bubble)
Matt Cassel: Oh man oh man. 0-3. Oof. I never thought we’d go 0-3.
Larry Johnson: No kidding. This isn’t gonna be a fun week, man.
(takes two steps, falls down)
Matt Cassel: Time for me to step up and lead this team, LJ. A lot of people thought the Pats were done last year when I came in to play. But I hung in there, got better, and we managed to win. If I could change minds then, I can change minds now.
Larry Johnson: Yeah man, but that was when you had Belichick coaching you. Coach Haley ain’t no coach Belichick.
Matt Cassel: He thinks he is, though.
Larry Johnson: Oh, crap. He’s comin’.
(Camaro door flies open)
Todd Haley: Who the fucked parked in my spot? You two! Who’s the slapdick who parked in COACH HALEY’S SPOT?
Larry Johnson: Actually, that’s my car, Coach.
Todd Haley: Oh, is it? Is it now? Did you not see the fucking sign in front of that spot? Did you not see that it reads SPACE RESERVED FOR TODD HALEY, HEAD COACH? Can you not fucking read? Was your mother some illiterate black tard?
Larry Johnson: Whoa, that’s WAY out of line.
Todd Haley: Get your fucking low rent car out of my high rent spot. That’s a fucking BRAND NEW Camaro. I get tons of action in it. The kids at the country club who I give tennis lessons to get little kid boners when they see it. You don’t have a car worthy of THAT spot.
Larry Johnson: Easy, coach. Jamaal offered to park it. He must have parked it there as a goof.
Todd Haley: Oh, so is this your fucking playground? Are you only here to make jokes?
Larry Johnson: No, Coach. I didn’t mean it like…
Todd Haley: You calling me a liar?
Larry Johnson: No!
Todd Haley: You trying to steal my fucking car, son?
Larry Johnson: No! No way! It was just a prank. You know. To foster some team camaraderie.
Todd Haley: You think I don’t know how to foster team unity or chemistry, asshole? You think I don’t know how to bring men together, you surly little ass ‘stache? Because I do. IT’S YOUR FAULT WE DON’T HAVE CHEMISTRY, ALONG WITH FIVE OR SIX OTHER MEN IN THE LOCKER ROOM I’D BE HAPPY TO NAME. You better shape the fuck up, boy.
Larry Johnson: Don’t call me boy.
Todd Haley: I’ll call you anything I want. Boy. Son. Cuntmonkey. LITTLE MISS JIZZSTAIN. You listen the fuck to me, BOY. I learned from the BEST, BOY. I coached with Bill Belichick, who won THREE WORLD TITLES, BOY. What the FUCK have you ever won, BOY?
Larry Johnson: But YOU didn’t win those titles.
Todd Haley: YOU ARE FUCKING CUT. YOU ARE CUT AND NO LONGER WELCOME HERE. BOYYYYYYYY.
Larry Johnson: What the hell?
Cassel: Coach, take it easy.
Todd Haley: Oh, take it easy? I suppose that’s what you think makes a WINNER. Tood Haley doesn’t take it easy, son. He takes it HARD, and he takes it to your fucking sister.
Cassel: What the fuck?
Todd Haley: I’m gonna lay it all out on the line here, you pussyfeathers.
(chews on toothpick)
I didn’t want any of you. You’re all useless and pathetic. But fucking fatass Pioli said I have to work with what I have. So whatever. We’re 0-3 because you boys are fucking LOSERS. I have given you perfect game plans. I have given you everything you need to go out there and win. Yet you continually managed to FUCK UP everything I’ve worked for. I can’t sleep at night because I know you COLONHUGGERS can’t execute MY perfect game plans. You are ruining MY team and MY reputation, and I fucking hate all of you. You are fucking less than human. From now on, I’m segregating this facility. Only I get to use the bathrooms and water fountains. Those bathrooms are for AWESOME PEOPLE, and I’m the only one of those in this whole goddamn city. People here are so ugly, I wanna fucking DIE.
Cassel: Whoa, whoa, Coach. You’re out of line. We lost those three games TOGETHER. As a team.
Todd Haley: Goddamn right you lost as a team out there. Which is why I’m blaming ALL of you equally. YOU ALL SUCK. Fucking carry my bags.
(puts on mirrored sunglasses)
And stop talking to the fucking media! Coach Belichick taught me that a team needs ONE voice. And that voice should be me. The rest of you have hideous voices. LJ, you talk like Stafon Johnson does now. I’m the only one here who isn’t gonna sound like a complete SHITHEAD when there a mic in front of him. In fact, I don’t want any of you talking AT ALL. Anywhere. I fucking talk for you. That’s how it’s gonna work now. Even while you’re sitting at home talking to your faggot cats.
Cassel: But…
Todd Haley: Didn’t I just fucking tell you not to talk? What, your mother never taught you to listen? Was she busy getting fucked by the mailman during your listening classes?
Cassel: Jesus, you are the worst coach EVER.
Todd Haley: Fucking count on it, YOU FUCK.
(leaves)
Cassel: I wonder if I can fake an injury.
Larry Johnson: Oh, I do that after every run. Lemme show you.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, the exact opposite of rex ryan, Todd Haley: Huge Asshole
September 30th, 2009 at 10:01 am
Please let him lead the Chiefs to an 0-16 season where we can enjoy the soothing tones of his voice all season…
September 30th, 2009 at 10:09 am
You think that after LJ shows Cassell how to fake an injury he could show him how to spit booze on women in bars?
September 30th, 2009 at 10:13 am
Anyone hear the voice of the Captain from Cool Hand Luke (”What we got here is…failure to communicate”) when Coach Haley starts going on all that boy rant.
September 30th, 2009 at 10:13 am
I’m waiting for a Jauron post, sure it would be the most boring post ever here but I’m still waiting.
September 30th, 2009 at 10:14 am
The Stafon Johnson reference…subtle, yet it stings hard.
September 30th, 2009 at 10:14 am
Never in the history of these interwebs have I ever wanted to reach through my monitor and choke the ever living shit out of someone. If I could do that to Haley, I could easily beat Drew’s record of 59 seconds.
September 30th, 2009 at 10:16 am
I like to imagine Haley and Marmalard taking a hot air balloon ride together and laughing at people with homes that look tiny from so high up. Then pissing over the side.
September 30th, 2009 at 10:23 am
Todd Haley looks like he could be a member of the League of American Nationalists
September 30th, 2009 at 10:27 am
(takes two steps, falls down)
For a second there, I thought you had gotten lazy and started recycling old Shaun Alexander posts.
September 30th, 2009 at 10:30 am
My pee wee coach was coach Jet. He had an 87 Camaro,(which he got action in) mirrored glasses, and spiked hair. Only difference was that he was a pretty cool guy.
September 30th, 2009 at 10:30 am
Seeing a picture of Matt Cassel still confuses the hell out of me. Who is that guy? Fat Jake Gyllenhall?
September 30th, 2009 at 10:40 am
It’s amazing how quickly you can obviously lose the team you just started coaching. It’s so much better because it’s the Chiefs.
September 30th, 2009 at 10:52 am
No steak and BJ’s for the Chiefs.
September 30th, 2009 at 10:54 am
Reggie Bush’s Pimp
I have the drill sergeant from Full Metal Jacket in my head as his voice.
September 30th, 2009 at 10:59 am
0-16? Shit, we can still beat the Redskins.
September 30th, 2009 at 10:59 am
I hear Chet from “Weird Science.”
September 30th, 2009 at 11:01 am
@ LaFarve
No pussy tubing either
September 30th, 2009 at 11:04 am
“Tood Haley doesn’t take it easy, son.” From now on, I’ll always think of him as Tood.
September 30th, 2009 at 11:05 am
as a kansas city native and resident, i have only come accross TWO players cars on the road in my 28 years. one was LJs (white bentley coupe, hot as shit) and haleys VOLKSWAGON fucking TOUREG. LJs car deserves the sapce. reading these, its funny becasue watching haley on the sideline you can tell this exactly waht he is saying
September 30th, 2009 at 11:08 am
(takes two steps, falls down)
That one hit a little too close to home.
Man, I can’t wait to see who we get with the first pick of the draft this year. Eat our dust, Lions!
September 30th, 2009 at 11:13 am
BOYYYYYYYY.
Fucking perfect. I swear I heard him say it as I read that.
September 30th, 2009 at 11:27 am
@Mo Charlo
“That guy” is obviously Cameron from Ferris Bueller’s Day off with a new hair cut.
September 30th, 2009 at 11:37 am
“LJ, you talk like Stafon Johnson does now. ”
This left me speechless.
September 30th, 2009 at 11:45 am
“People here are so ugly, I wanna fucking DIE”
yesssssss. todd haley for best k-s-kharacter 09.
September 30th, 2009 at 11:47 am
The use of the Camaro brings to mind the rug of a certain Mr. Lebowski. Excellent.
September 30th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Todd Haley looks like he could be a member of the League of American Nationalists
Nice Sons of Anarchy reference UU…all he needs now is a cigar shop and some white masks
September 30th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Gonna start talking like Haley at work. “What the fuck kind of e-mail is that, cuntmonkey??!?!?”
September 30th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Surprised to see so many comments expressing dislike for the Chiefs. Didn’t know they were worth disliking… or liking, for that matter.
“faggot cats” was funny.
September 30th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
@ SonOfSpam
let us know how umemployment works out for ya! :)
September 30th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
When did Haley coach with Belichick?
September 30th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
As a Giants fan who will be traveling to the game this weekend, I’m looking forward to seeing Haley run around the field blaming everyone for the 0-4 start. They can’t be as bad the the Bucs were last week, can they?
And the Chefs won’t go 0-16, they get to play the Redskins don’t they?
September 30th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
“coach mangini is not pleased with your execution” might’ve been an even better “the exact opposite of rex ryan”
September 30th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
jackin’4beats Says:
September 29th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
I think Garcon is changing into a vampire right as he is facepalming DRC there. Maybe he can help Count Al regain his youthful appearance via a blood exchange.
That picture is 49 years old by the way. He is definitely in the realm of the undead.
Does Count Al remind anyone else of Count Burns in his Pennsylvannia castle? (One of the Simpson’s Tree House of Horror episodes)
Or just of one C. Montgomery Burns in general?
September 30th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Cassel: Jesus, you are the worst coach EVER.
Todd Haley: Fucking count on it, YOU FUCK.
(leaves)
Cassel: I wonder if I can fake an injury.
Larry Johnson: Oh, I do that after every run. Lemme show you.
***************************************************************************
Bravo.
September 30th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
@Anon: Haley was with the Jets on Parcells’ staff.
September 30th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
When did Haley coach with Belichick?
Never. But ssssh, Drew’s on a roll.
September 30th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Awright…I want to defend my Chiefs. I do. And agreeing with Whitlock will f**king kill me. But I believe it may be true. Haley and Pioli could be WORSE for the Chiefs than Edwards and Peterson.
Mr. Hunt, I know you’re up there. Get an audience with the big man. Send the Ghost of Hank Stram to straighten this mess out. We need to matriculate the ball down the field. Pronto.
September 30th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
“the exact opposite of rex ryan”
I get the love for Rex Ryan, he has a very interesting personality and has done a nice job so far, but is the love for Ryan more of the general football fascination “Smash, Kill, KIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!” style of football or that Ryan is a good coach? Because I submit that just the opposite of Rex Ryan is Tony Dungy or Lovie Smith and both have been very successful with their style of coaching. In essence, I believe you can do aggressive/eccentric right (Ryan, Coughlin, Parcells, etc) and you can do more relaxed/calm right (Dungy, Smith, Marinelli). thoughts?
September 30th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Yeah, boyyyyyyyyyy.
September 30th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
[italics]Coach Belichick taught me that a team needs ONE voice[/italics]
Belichick?
Forget it, he’s rolling
September 30th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
italics fail.
dammit
September 30th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Man, HEAD COACH Todd Haley is fucking awesome. I would go to war with that guy.
September 30th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
@Captain Cutlerfucker: I think I may have missed the joke in your second comment. Would you mind rephrasing please?
September 30th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
Yep, definitely voiced by Bill fucking Paxton in “Weird Science”.
September 30th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
Todd Haley seems like the kind of guy who would buy ground meat, eggs, and bread in a supermarket, and when you try to bag them together he would flip out, accuse you of trying to poison him, and demand that you bag every item in its own bag.
September 30th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
Him and Mangini should get together and have a discussion about what coach Belichick taught them…
…and then die in a horrendous fire
September 30th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
“When did Haley coach with Belichick?”
With the Jets when Belichick was the DC.
September 30th, 2009 at 9:40 pm
“I can’t sleep at night because I know you COLONHUGGERS can’t execute MY perfect game plans.”
Fucking brilliant. Every day this website expands my vocabulary a little more.
September 30th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
He was the QUALITY CONTROL coach under Parcells, meaning he fucking CONTROLLED the QUALITY for the WHOLE FUCKING JET ORGANIZATION. How many of you PUSSYS can say that?
September 30th, 2009 at 10:10 pm
If Haley was a true Belichick disciple, he’d be wearing cutoff NFL sweatshirts and banging Kansas City’s MILFs. And parading said MILFs at Royals games in the offseason.
October 1st, 2009 at 1:30 am
@Captain Cutlerfucker: when has lovie smith been successful? the only thing he’s been successful at is failing to put a dominant defense in position to win a super bowl.
October 1st, 2009 at 1:57 am
I apologize for bringing baseball into this, but does anyone else think Mat Cassel looks like Cole Hamels?
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_wsmQgCGIMbQ/SOPB_y8XVkI/AAAAAAAACpI/xVn_K14qj3k/s400/Cole+Hamels+AP.jpg
October 1st, 2009 at 3:13 am
Dont you have to actually accomplish something to unleash the racist vinidictive asshole deep inside you?
Parcells has earned that right. Haley not so much.
October 1st, 2009 at 10:21 am
Brodie Croyle would show Cassel how to fake an injury, but would injure himself in the process.