Wade: Gall darnit! Openin’ night and we go out and play a game like that. I am perplexed. How do you get 250 damn yards rushing and STILL lose? It’s gonna be a long week.
(opens package of cupcakes)
Ooh, Hostess cupcakes. My wife told me that there’s a fancy word for the icing on top of these. GANACHE. How you like that? Here I am, think I’m eatin’ a cupcake with frosting, when really it’s a French delicacy! Oh, the simple pleasures.
Mmmmm. Well, life ain’t all bad, I guess. It was only the second game. If we just play SMARTER, I think we can live up to our potential. The pieces are there! We just gotta bear down. And that starts right after I finish this delicious, chocolatey, ganachey…
(door flies open)
Jerry: YOU FAT FUCK! YOU GIANT FAT FUCK! YOU GODDAMN SLOB OF A FAT FUCK! YOU RUINED MY OPENING NIGHT, FATPORT! MY JEWEL!!!
Wade: Sir, I think we can’t get too panicked over one game…
Jerry: Oh, I know YOU aren’t worried, Tubmarine! Look at you, wrapping your big fat mushy hands around a goddamn cupcake. YOU… YOU FUCKING FAT COCK! What the fuck did you do to my boy ROMO? He’s a goddamn star! He tore those Tampa faggots limb from gay limb a week ago, and suddenly he can’t ball in MY new stadium?! THIS IS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT, FATASS! You are no longer allowed free access to the Dallas Cowboys Presented Wholly Guacamole Hostess Cupcake Concierge Bar! THAT CUPCAKE BAR IS FOR FUCKING WINNERS!
Wade: Sir, I think you’re overreacting…
Jerry: Overreacting? YOU didn’t spend $1.2 billion on this goddamn place, fat boy! That was supposed to be MY night! That was the night the Double J was going to finally win over the hearts of TIXAS! And what do I get? I get a loss to a bunch of New York FAGGOTS, and a cameraman catching me picking my nose! YOU FUCKING RUINED PREMIERE NIGHT, YOU GIANT FAT SLUGFUCK!
(Aide rushes in)
Aide: Sir! Our switchboard is lighting up. Many of the Party Pass people weren’t allowed to use the Cowboys Stadium Presented By Miller Lite Golden Wheat Bathrooms Sunday night, and would like to meet you personally so they can, quote, “piss on your fucking head.”
Jerry: Oh, that’s just great!
Aide: Sir! The people in Box 108J would also like you to know their Cowboys Stadium Presented By The Bold Look Of Kohler gold toilet broke during the second quarter.
Jerry: God dammit. How many times do I have to tell these people? GOLD IS A SOFT METAL. YOU DON’T HAVE TO FLUSH SO DAMN HARD! WHERE IS THE FUCKING GUATAMALAN CONTRACTOR FUCK WHO BUILT THIS SHITHOLE?!
(door flies open)
Senor Gilbano: Si, senor?
Jerry: THE TOILETS ARE BREAKING, YOU SPANISH TIT!
Senor Gilbano: Hmm. I feex next month? I have other proyect, senor.
Jerry: These fucking contractors. YOU PEOPLE NEVER FINISH THE FUCKING JOB!
Aide: Sir! The Wolf range in the Cowboys Stadium Presented By The Parisian Tourist Board Crepe Hut has a valve leak!
Aide: Sir! Also, our quarterback blows!
Jerry: GIMME SOME FUCKING GOOD NEWS, YOU LITTLE HAPPY SHIT!
Aide: Sir! Some of our higher end patrons said they were VERY happy with the Cowboys Stadium Presented By Ashleymadison.com blowjob valets.
Jerry: Well, at least SOMETHING here is working properly! (turns to Wade) YOU FIX THIS GODDAMN TEAM, FATDORA! Until you do, you no longer have access to the VIP area of this stadium! No more cupcakes! No more massages! No more eucalyptus baths! From now on, I’m sticking you in the catacombs!
(door flies open)
Garrett: Hmm. Yes. Indeed. My dear friend Jerry, I kept telling you not to let those dreadful Party Pass people in. Disgusting plebian masses. They smell of old Negro. My word, look at that primal beast grope that cupcake ganache with his fleshy appendage. Like mighty Kong squeezing the life out of Fay Wray!
Jerry: Well, fuck those Party Pass assholes! Monday Night, they’re goin’ in the catacombs too!
Wade: What are the catacombs?
Garrett: My corpulent friend, any coliseum worth its salt has an underground network of catacombs! Allows the detritus to sink to the bottom, if you will.
Jerry: AND THAT’S WHERE YOUR FAT ASS IS WORKIN’ NOW!
Wade: Oh, come on.
(door gets split in half on stomped into very fine dust)
MBIII: JERRY JONES! JERRY GODDAMN JONES, WHERE YOU AT, MOTHERFUCKER!
Jerry: Marion! My prized running back! How are ya, son?
MBIII: Don’t you son me, YOU MOTHERFUCKING HICK! MARION BARBER WANTS A QB THAT DOESN’T GIVE THE BALL OUT LIKE PUSSY!
Aide: Mr. Barber, if you could refer to any all pussy in the stadium as the Cowboys Stadium Presented by Friendfinder.com Pussy…
MBIII: I’LL PRESENT MY MOTHERFUCKIN’ BOOT TO YOUR SKULL, ASSHOLE! JERRY JONES!
MBIII: Jerry Jones, you GODDAMN SON OF A MOTHERFUCKER. I WILL POP YOUR GODDAMN HEAD OFF LIKE A…
Jerry: Phew! Thank God he gets injured twice a week!
Aide: Sir! Security reports that there is a drop of delicious Del Monte ketchup-flavored condiment in one of the aisles!
Jerry: KETCHUP? THIS STADIUM WOULD BE FIFTY TIMES NICER IF IT WEREN’T FOR THE GODDAMN FANS MILLING AROUND. We need better security!
(door flies open)
Pacman: CHUH CHUH. Pacman b scuddn dat puzzy pie wen he hurr da Owna Man need sequizzay. O PACMAN CAN B YO SEQUIZZAY. Pacman tak hiz nitestik and POP DEM TWOTZ. He gon shine. Pacman gon keep out da riffraff. Den he gon drank. O HE GON DRANK. U THANK HE AIN’T GON DRANK? Pacman say ain’t no drank drank till he lay down dat bitch and eat dat puzzy 2 tha bone. HE GON FUK TILL SHE GOT DA REDPUZZY. HE GON POLE VALTN.
Jerry: Excellent! Adam, escort Coach Phillips here down to the Cowboys Stadium Presented Built By The Casa Depoto Catacombs. Make sure his cellar is extra damp!
Wade: This sucks.
Jerry: YEEEEHAWWWW MY CROWN JEWEL IS FINALLY GONNA SHINE WITH YOUR FAT ASS TUCKED AWAY IN STEERAGE! YEEHAW WOOHOO I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!
I want more like this!
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