Catacombs? What Catacombs?
Wade: Gall darnit! Openin’ night and we go out and play a game like that. I am perplexed. How do you get 250 damn yards rushing and STILL lose? It’s gonna be a long week.
(opens package of cupcakes)
Ooh, Hostess cupcakes. My wife told me that there’s a fancy word for the icing on top of these. GANACHE. How you like that? Here I am, think I’m eatin’ a cupcake with frosting, when really it’s a French delicacy! Oh, the simple pleasures.
(eats cupcake)
Mmmmm. Well, life ain’t all bad, I guess. It was only the second game. If we just play SMARTER, I think we can live up to our potential. The pieces are there! We just gotta bear down. And that starts right after I finish this delicious, chocolatey, ganachey…
(door flies open)
Jerry: YOU FAT FUCK! YOU GIANT FAT FUCK! YOU GODDAMN SLOB OF A FAT FUCK! YOU RUINED MY OPENING NIGHT, FATPORT! MY JEWEL!!!
Wade: Sir, I think we can’t get too panicked over one game…
Jerry: Oh, I know YOU aren’t worried, Tubmarine! Look at you, wrapping your big fat mushy hands around a goddamn cupcake. YOU… YOU FUCKING FAT COCK! What the fuck did you do to my boy ROMO? He’s a goddamn star! He tore those Tampa faggots limb from gay limb a week ago, and suddenly he can’t ball in MY new stadium?! THIS IS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT, FATASS! You are no longer allowed free access to the Dallas Cowboys Presented Wholly Guacamole Hostess Cupcake Concierge Bar! THAT CUPCAKE BAR IS FOR FUCKING WINNERS!
Wade: Sir, I think you’re overreacting…
Jerry: Overreacting? YOU didn’t spend $1.2 billion on this goddamn place, fat boy! That was supposed to be MY night! That was the night the Double J was going to finally win over the hearts of TIXAS! And what do I get? I get a loss to a bunch of New York FAGGOTS, and a cameraman catching me picking my nose! YOU FUCKING RUINED PREMIERE NIGHT, YOU GIANT FAT SLUGFUCK!
(Aide rushes in)
Aide: Sir! Our switchboard is lighting up. Many of the Party Pass people weren’t allowed to use the Cowboys Stadium Presented By Miller Lite Golden Wheat Bathrooms Sunday night, and would like to meet you personally so they can, quote, “piss on your fucking head.”
Jerry: Oh, that’s just great!
Aide: Sir! The people in Box 108J would also like you to know their Cowboys Stadium Presented By The Bold Look Of Kohler gold toilet broke during the second quarter.
Jerry: God dammit. How many times do I have to tell these people? GOLD IS A SOFT METAL. YOU DON’T HAVE TO FLUSH SO DAMN HARD! WHERE IS THE FUCKING GUATAMALAN CONTRACTOR FUCK WHO BUILT THIS SHITHOLE?!
(door flies open)
Senor Gilbano: Si, senor?
Jerry: THE TOILETS ARE BREAKING, YOU SPANISH TIT!
Senor Gilbano: Hmm. I feex next month? I have other proyect, senor.
Jerry: These fucking contractors. YOU PEOPLE NEVER FINISH THE FUCKING JOB!
Aide: Sir! The Wolf range in the Cowboys Stadium Presented By The Parisian Tourist Board Crepe Hut has a valve leak!
Jerry: Grrrr…
Aide: Sir! Also, our quarterback blows!
Jerry: GIMME SOME FUCKING GOOD NEWS, YOU LITTLE HAPPY SHIT!
Aide: Sir! Some of our higher end patrons said they were VERY happy with the Cowboys Stadium Presented By Ashleymadison.com blowjob valets.
Jerry: Well, at least SOMETHING here is working properly! (turns to Wade) YOU FIX THIS GODDAMN TEAM, FATDORA! Until you do, you no longer have access to the VIP area of this stadium! No more cupcakes! No more massages! No more eucalyptus baths! From now on, I’m sticking you in the catacombs!
Wade: Catacombs?
(door flies open)
Garrett: Hmm. Yes. Indeed. My dear friend Jerry, I kept telling you not to let those dreadful Party Pass people in. Disgusting plebian masses. They smell of old Negro. My word, look at that primal beast grope that cupcake ganache with his fleshy appendage. Like mighty Kong squeezing the life out of Fay Wray!
Jerry: Well, fuck those Party Pass assholes! Monday Night, they’re goin’ in the catacombs too!
Wade: What are the catacombs?
Garrett: My corpulent friend, any coliseum worth its salt has an underground network of catacombs! Allows the detritus to sink to the bottom, if you will.
Jerry: AND THAT’S WHERE YOUR FAT ASS IS WORKIN’ NOW!
Wade: Oh, come on.
(door gets split in half on stomped into very fine dust)
MBIII: JERRY JONES! JERRY GODDAMN JONES, WHERE YOU AT, MOTHERFUCKER!
Jerry: Marion! My prized running back! How are ya, son?
MBIII: Don’t you son me, YOU MOTHERFUCKING HICK! MARION BARBER WANTS A QB THAT DOESN’T GIVE THE BALL OUT LIKE PUSSY!
Aide: Mr. Barber, if you could refer to any all pussy in the stadium as the Cowboys Stadium Presented by Friendfinder.com Pussy…
MBIII: I’LL PRESENT MY MOTHERFUCKIN’ BOOT TO YOUR SKULL, ASSHOLE! JERRY JONES!
(chokes Jerry)
Jerry: Guhhh!
MBIII: Jerry Jones, you GODDAMN SON OF A MOTHERFUCKER. I WILL POP YOUR GODDAMN HEAD OFF LIKE A…
(pulls quad)
OH, MOTHERGODFUCKER!
Jerry: Phew! Thank God he gets injured twice a week!
Aide: Sir! Security reports that there is a drop of delicious Del Monte ketchup-flavored condiment in one of the aisles!
Jerry: KETCHUP? THIS STADIUM WOULD BE FIFTY TIMES NICER IF IT WEREN’T FOR THE GODDAMN FANS MILLING AROUND. We need better security!
(door flies open)
Pacman: CHUH CHUH. Pacman b scuddn dat puzzy pie wen he hurr da Owna Man need sequizzay. O PACMAN CAN B YO SEQUIZZAY. Pacman tak hiz nitestik and POP DEM TWOTZ. He gon shine. Pacman gon keep out da riffraff. Den he gon drank. O HE GON DRANK. U THANK HE AIN’T GON DRANK? Pacman say ain’t no drank drank till he lay down dat bitch and eat dat puzzy 2 tha bone. HE GON FUK TILL SHE GOT DA REDPUZZY. HE GON POLE VALTN.
CHUH CHUH.
Jerry: Excellent! Adam, escort Coach Phillips here down to the Cowboys Stadium Presented Built By The Casa Depoto Catacombs. Make sure his cellar is extra damp!
Wade: This sucks.
Jerry: YEEEEHAWWWW MY CROWN JEWEL IS FINALLY GONNA SHINE WITH YOUR FAT ASS TUCKED AWAY IN STEERAGE! YEEHAW WOOHOO I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, fat people, wade and jerry
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September 22nd, 2009 at 11:56 am
“any coliseum worth its salt has an underground network of catacombs”
+1 for the history joke, my good man. Coliseum with catacombs indeed.
September 22nd, 2009 at 11:57 am
sequizzay!
September 22nd, 2009 at 11:59 am
With Dallas, San Diego and New England all losing I knew there’d be something good here today.
I lost it at “Also, our quarterback blows!”
September 22nd, 2009 at 12:09 pm
this is exactly what i assume happens in dallas during the week.
September 22nd, 2009 at 12:10 pm
Epic
September 22nd, 2009 at 12:18 pm
YEEHAW I AM FUCKING SUICIDAL!!!!
September 22nd, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Lofty.
September 22nd, 2009 at 12:24 pm
“No pick!”
September 22nd, 2009 at 12:27 pm
“smells of old negro”
Very nice.
/can’t wait for Tawmmy to show up.
September 22nd, 2009 at 12:30 pm
What? No mention of the dancers in the cheap seats?
September 22nd, 2009 at 12:37 pm
HE GON POLE VALTN.
+100……Where do you come up with this shit?
September 22nd, 2009 at 12:46 pm
i’ve been waiting for this since tynes made that last field goal.
new york faggots indeed.
September 22nd, 2009 at 12:48 pm
I love you.
/no homo
September 22nd, 2009 at 12:49 pm
You know that Corona commercial where the couple is sittning on the beach, a hot blonde walks by, guy looks at her and his wife squirts him with lime? I am convinced that is our very own little ginger, Jason Garret.
Also, that ginger fuck wouldn’t be able to sit in the sun with his shirt off for ten minutes before his skin was redder than his hair….soulless bastard.
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:08 pm
Funniest thing I have ever read. Shit me pants actually.
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Dear God, Marion Barber is one mean ass mo fugga
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:15 pm
I’m still laughing at Pacman’s dialogue. Absolutely golden.
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:17 pm
I swear to god, this is my favorite show on TV these days.
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:21 pm
You misspelled Colosseum. Only retards in LA spell Colosseum “coliseum.”
Also, catacombs are underground burial sites and there are none under (or even near) the Colosseum or any other amphitheater.
This is the same stupid schtick you always do. How in the hell can you fail to make mocking Jerry Jones funny?
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:27 pm
@Chitown Bears: Is this Jay Culter? I can feel the sulk all the way over here.
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:28 pm
I’m not sure if Chitown is trolling just asking to be bitch slapped upside the head by a brutal history lesson…
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:30 pm
Whatchya got, SafetyDance?
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:31 pm
Magary, did the people who gave you a slot on a Dallas blog ever happen to read this site? Double J’s gonna wreak some havoc on that there NBC. YEEHAW!!!!
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Yes the underground of the Colosseum is called the hypogeum, not a catacombs. But fuck off, anyone reading knew exactly what BDD meant.
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:39 pm
No sulk today. Didn’t you hear? We beat the Steelers.
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Lofty. Oh and ganache kicks ass.
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:48 pm
If I didn’t know that Brett Favre would throw a soul-crushing INT with PJ on the bench to end the Vikings season, I would be really mad at you…but MBIII and PacMan’s dialogue have made it all better.
/Remembers the Bledsoe days
//takes deep breath
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Did you know that the name of the city is “Chicago” and not “Chitown”? And also, that the name “Chicago” is actually a French rendering of the Native American word shikaakwa, meaning “wild onion”, from the Miami-Illinois language? And that bears are properly known as mammals of the family Ursidae? But they don’t really live in the city of Chicago.
So thanks for adding your special sparkle to the conversation, Shikaakwa Ursidae. It’s clear you don’t interact with people too often, so we appreciate the clumsy, stupid effort.
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Pacman ganach dem tittays nom nom nom
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:53 pm
Poor Otto Man. Still unsure why daddy touched you in your special pee-pee place.
Go ahead, vent. Let it all out. Keep using Wikipedia.
But stop touching little boys.
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:56 pm
Ahhh. Got my Wade and Jerry fix. Plus MBIII and summa dat pAc-MaN. Chuh-Chuh, indeed. Tawmee is probably learning more nickelback and kOrn for Wicked Lobstahs next show.
September 22nd, 2009 at 2:00 pm
I’m glad I’m not as smart and worldly as the kommenter from Ill.. If I were, my face would not currently glisten with tears of joy!
BRAVO!
September 22nd, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Seriously? Cowboys fans are still saddled with Pac-Man?
September 22nd, 2009 at 2:08 pm
The Cowboys played pretty well, all things considered. A couple lucky bounces of the ball in the opposite direction, and we would be laughing at the “New York Faggots” as was so eloquently stated.
/unfortunately agrees with a certain ESPN poll
//remembers the Drew Henson days
///takes deep breath
September 22nd, 2009 at 2:08 pm
According to the Wiki, Coliseum is the accepted spelling dating back to the 13th century, and refers to amphitheaters the world over. Colosseum only refers to the original in Rome. Catacombs are ancient underground passageways OR subterranean cemeteries. Finally, if you think it’s not funny, go read Jason Garrett’s blog. I’m sure you’ll find it more to your liking.
September 22nd, 2009 at 2:22 pm
‘How about we read the inside of my butt?’
/Peter’d
September 22nd, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Yes, we’re all tiring of this same stupid schtick. FIX YO’ MATERIAL DREW!!!
September 22nd, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Folks, stop feeding the troll. Your venom only increases his appetite for picking fights for no reason whatsoever. Maybe he didn’t get his daily blowjob from his mommy because he didn’t trim his pubes the night before. You know how she hates flossing with pubes, right? Ooooh Ooooh, go ahead with the child touching stuff, sexy Oedipus Rexy.
September 22nd, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Tubmarine
That’s another one to add to the lexographical catacombs. I wonder how Drew knows so many words for fat slobs? Oh yeah.
September 22nd, 2009 at 2:48 pm
@ Mo Charlo: Wasn’t it the Drew Henson day?
September 22nd, 2009 at 2:49 pm
And Chitown, you’re a fucking dick.
September 22nd, 2009 at 3:22 pm
/remembers Quincy Carter days
//takes deep breath … from tailpipe
///burns face
September 22nd, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Chitown
September 22nd, 2009 at 3:26 pm
One day, Pacman, Tawmmy and Hines Wald should have a contest to see whose verbiage inspires a headache the fastest. Damn, that shit is hard to read.
September 22nd, 2009 at 3:26 pm
I wouldn’t expect any less idiocy from someone with a variation of “Chicago” in their name.
September 22nd, 2009 at 3:39 pm
As soon as Tynes kick sailed thru the uprights (again!) and the game was over, I kept waiting for Ol’ Double J to announce into the loudspeakers, “All you God damn fucking ingrates got 5 fucking minutes to clear outta my shining jewel of a stadium, and them I’m going to release the hounds!” “And Pacman!”
/Chuh, chuh, indeed my fine fellow.
September 22nd, 2009 at 3:40 pm
This man does not represent us.
And since it’s set in the catacombs, I can’t call it lofty. But I also can’t help but hear JJ’s “voice” in my head during one of the 319 times they cut to him during the game.
September 22nd, 2009 at 3:51 pm
What this series needs is some Felix Jones.
(breaks 40 yard run)
(fumbles spontaneously)
September 22nd, 2009 at 3:52 pm
Poor Otto Man. Still unsure why daddy touched you in your special pee-pee place.
Wow. That’s the best you’ve got? Seriously?
I mean, I was looking for a fight but … eh. Fuck it. This feels like punching a kid with Down’s Syndrome.
September 22nd, 2009 at 4:05 pm
Eh, just let the kid with Downs Syndrome score a touchdown.
September 22nd, 2009 at 4:10 pm
That’s only when the kid with Downs plays against the Seahawks’ running D.
September 22nd, 2009 at 4:18 pm
Try Guatemalans not Guatamalans next time, maybe the contractors will do a better job if you get the correct name for them.
September 22nd, 2009 at 4:24 pm
And Jerry’s aide? Nice try. He’s clearly wearing an NBC pin on his lapel. How can he work for Jerry Jones and NBC at the same time? It doesn’t add up. I really hope someone got fired over this.
September 22nd, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Good catch, Gino. Also, I saw a picture of Jerry Jones, and he doesn’t even have horns!
Man, I hope Chitown is getting this all down. What a scandal!
September 22nd, 2009 at 4:35 pm
“Eh, just let the kid with Downs Syndrome score a touchdown.”
“That’s only when the kid with Downs plays against the Seahawks’ running D.”
So Frank Gore has Downs Syndrome?
/spreads the rumor
//can black people even get Downs Syndrome?
///going to hell. for sure.
September 22nd, 2009 at 4:48 pm
can black people even get Downs Syndrome?
I just did a Google Image search to anwser that question. Don’t do it. It’ll make you feel lower than KSK reader. Just ask them if they want cake. They always want cake.
September 22nd, 2009 at 4:49 pm
But I want cake now that you mentioned cake.
/goes to fridge after remembering the giant CostCo sized pumpkin pie he bought
September 22nd, 2009 at 4:53 pm
Is anyone else picturing poor Wade in a pit while the Double-J yells down “It rubs the lotion on its tubby skin or else it gets the hose again”?
Just me? Crap.
September 22nd, 2009 at 5:14 pm
When did Pacman get back from Kennida?
Ah, you just know Jerry Jones was NOT a happy man, losing his new stadium’s opening game.
September 22nd, 2009 at 5:15 pm
So glad PacMan didn’t sign in Winnipeg or he’d be unavailable for his new job.
Although I wouldn’t complain if he signed in Toronto – we gon drank!
September 22nd, 2009 at 5:31 pm
Pac Man’s dialogue is the creme de la creme of this blog. “Gon eat dat puzzy 2 tha bone.”
Pardon my ignorance, but what does “chuh chuh” represent?
And that Chitown dickwad should not be considered as a fair representation of Illinois residents.
September 22nd, 2009 at 5:36 pm
Hmm. I feex next month? I have other proyect, senor.
heeeheeee
September 22nd, 2009 at 5:39 pm
Just ask them if they want cake. They always want cake.
No way. They’ll come at you like a whirling dervish, all fists and elbows.
September 22nd, 2009 at 5:56 pm
LMAO. “Disgusting plebian masses. They smell of old Negro. My word, look at that primal beast grope that cupcake ganache with his fleshy appendage.”
Haven’t laughed that hard in quite a while. Sure you’re not a lost writer from ‘Python’. ‘HUGE tracts of land’.
September 22nd, 2009 at 5:58 pm
Hi. This is Wilford Brimley. Welcome to KSK, Where Every Day Is A Celebration of Retardation.
September 22nd, 2009 at 6:23 pm
Is it too late to buy a Party Pass? I want to piss on his head too.
September 22nd, 2009 at 6:23 pm
I love how Wade just sounds so contented to his fate in the last part.
“Oh well, fuck it”
September 22nd, 2009 at 7:05 pm
I love how, despite MBIII destroying the door, It was able to fly open when my favorite Pacman showed up.
God I love the Cowboys skits
September 22nd, 2009 at 7:07 pm
Six degrees of KSK- from MNF to black people with Downs.
September 22nd, 2009 at 7:17 pm
“MARION BARBER WANTS A QB THAT DOESN’T GIVE THE BALL OUT LIKE PUSSY! ” Another classic line from my favorite KSKharacter. Kudos Drew, Kudos.
/oh yeah, and fuck the troll with a McDaniels’ superaids infected dick
//not mine though, that’s just hpv, and the mailbag says its not that big of a deal
September 22nd, 2009 at 7:35 pm
They smell of old Negro.
********************************************
I’ll take phrases you can’t repeat at work for $ 200 Alex.
September 22nd, 2009 at 8:50 pm
And as of 6:49 MT, it’s Otto Man by a knockout…..the troll is down!
September 22nd, 2009 at 11:15 pm
POP DEM TWOTZ. I will never read funnier shit than this.
(looks for one of the Cowboys Stadium presented by AshleyMadison.com blowjob valets…)
September 23rd, 2009 at 12:10 am
priceless….just….priceless.
September 23rd, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Methink it’s time for some more 1-15 goodness from Tixas.
September 23rd, 2009 at 9:20 pm
The BDD series of Cowboys parody articles on here are some of my all-time favorites. Jerry Jones is ripe for parody!
September 28th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Lord. I had to stop reading at several points so my co-workers wouldn’t think I was a giggling 13 year old girl.