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Since I have kids, I usually get up at 7AM every day these days, if not earlier. That means I gotta wait SIX GODDAMN HOURS BEFORE any real football is played.

/door flies open

/smug Californian brags about being able to watch the games at 10AM, then having the night free to sip white wine on the veranda

/smug Californian disappears up own large intestine

Anyway, your 1PM slate features three notable matchups: NE/ATL, SF/MIN, and NYJ/TEN. Some quick notes for you, fantasy-related and otherwise:

-Adam Schefter tweeted that Randy Moss will likely play vs. ATL, and Wes Welker will likely not. FIRE UP THE EDELMAN JERSEYS, REEBOK. SIMMONS WILL TAKE A HOGSHEAD OF THEM.

-SI’s Jay Clemons says Knowshon Moreno is definitely out for the Broncos 4:15 game against Oakland. Nowhere else is this confirmed.

-If you’re considering playing Marion Barber Monday Night, keep in mind that Deuce McAllister had the exact same injury last year and missed two games, if you’re looking for reference. GO LITTLE FELIX! DADDY NEEDS YOU!

-Justin Tuck is out (UPDATE: no he isn’t) for the Giants vs. Tampa. This is fine, because you only need a DE with 1/27th of Tuck’s speed to reach Byron Leftwich.

-Donovan McNabb is out today. Which leaves Kevin Kolb as your Eagles starter. KOLB! DO IT NOW, KOLB!

CrimsonTideC

-Staying on the Eagles, Michael Vick is expected to play today, and play more than the expected ten snaps or so. This makes him… yep, still worthless for your roster.

-As for the Chiefs, everyone’s now jumping on the ”Todd Haley is a cock no one in their right mind would want to play for” bandwagon. Welcome aboard, gang! (UPDATE: Schefter says Bowe is out today)

-The Saints’ RB situation is a mess. Mike Bell is out, and no one knows if Lynell Hamilton or Pierre Thomas will get the bulk of work.

-Brian Westbrook is a game time decision. As always, Brian Westbrook is a bastard and I hope he dies. (UPDATE: He’s active)

-The rest of your 1PM games: BAL/CLE (suicide pick alert), JAX/HOU (you better play well, Slaton), GB/STL, and WAS/DET (I boldly pick the Lions, Maj!)

-Hey, loogit! They finally arrested Roman Polanski. About time he faced justice for what he did all those years ago. You make a movie like Pirates, you deserve THE FUCKING CHAIR, And now, at long last, our nation can finally turn our attention to capturing bin Laden.