chinatownjack

Radio host: Uh oh. Looks like we call a from Chinatown Jack. This guy, he’s crazy, he’s off the wall, always bringing the passion. C’mon, bring that passion Jack.

Chinatown Jack: [Reading from notebook] Thanks for having me on, Sports Talk. I listen to your show and it’s great, it’s great, but unfortunately each week it’s polluted by the nonsensical ramblings of Paul from Staten Island, always flapping his gums about Quantrell Bishop this and Quantrell Bishop that. Let me tell you something: This year the ‘Skins got Brian Orakpo. He’s like Quantrell Bishop if he kept his beatings on the field. Did you see the preseason quarterback pressures this guy had? Guaranteed all-pro for the next 15 years or else I’ll pull a Bree Olsen.

Sarah Schorno: Jack, what the hell are you doing? Are you on the phone again? Goddamn it. What’s wrong with you? Get to bed!

Chinatown Jack: [Cups hand over phone and lowers voice] Can you believe these diptards in Vegas putting the over/under on Orakpo sacks at 4.5 for the season. It’s like they want to make me an obscenely rich man four times over. But then the cowards pulled it. Smart, because Orakpo’s putting up five sacks of Elisha in the first quarter, easy. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if Orakpo bought a second apartment in the G-men backfield. Orakpo is gonna change the face of the game. Orakpo is gonna bring us together as a people. Orak-

Schorno: Jack!

Chinatown Jack: [Sticks hand over phone, whinces] All I want Paul from Staten Island to do is take a last good long look at his precious Elisha because, come Sunday, WE’RE GONNA TELL COOCH TO END HIS CAREER! Then we’ll fire up the bandwagon! It’s been long in coming! You’ll see!