Andy Rooney Explains Week 2 Of The NFL Season
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I don’t think I like these new energy efficient light bulbs. They have this fancy new design that makes it look like some kind of pasta noodle, but why? Why design the glass part of the bulb to look like the screw part of the bulb? How do we know which end to stick into the socket? If we really wanted to be energy efficient, we’d all settle for candle wax stains in our carpeting.
Kurt Warner only threw two incomplete passes in Arizona’s win over Jacksonville Sunday. Nobody seems to want to watch the Jaguars play this season, but why? I think it’s because of Warner’s outspoken love for Jesus. And maybe something to do with the economy, too. Our country’s so poor right now that we can’t even afford a white president.
Everyone seems surprised that the Bears beat the Steelers last week in a pouring rain. Pro football makes its players play in the rain. That doesn’t happen in baseball, since the first baseball players in America were made entirely of sugar. Bears quarterback Jay Cutler isn’t made of sugar or spice or anything nice at all. How could somebody making so much money look so upset all the time. I have one guess. Hemorrhoids.
Jerry Jones opened a new stadium for the Dallas Cowboys over the weekend, but why? What was wrong with the old stadium. He made the roof the same shape and the seats the same color. Nobody would build a bigger house and then make it the same as their old house. That just seems silly to me. And then the New York Giants came over and beat the Cowboys on a last-second field goal. Usually in new surroundings, it’s the dog that soils the rug first.
People in Washington seem upset that Washington only beat the St. Louis Rams by two points Sunday, but why? They won the game, and yet people are still talking about firing Jim Zorn. It’s true that people get fired in Washington all the time, whether they’re doing their jobs or not. But I notice that Jim Zorn might be one of the skinniest coaches in the league. Surely it wouldn’t cost much to move him. Surely Dan Synder is keeping Zorn on staff because he costs less to feed.
The Miami Dolphins had the football for 45 minutes in their Monday Night game. And they still lost, but why? Why not take some of that time holding the football and just hide it? Peyton Manning can make all the hand signals he wants, but he can’t score a point if he can’t find the ball. I remember when I was in prep school; we used to take the smallest girls we could find and lock them in the janitor’s closet. Then we would tell the freshmen that the janitor was a child molester. Turns out he actually was, but none of us knew that at the time. That has nothing to do with football. I just find it interesting.
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Tags: andy rooney, Explaining the 2009 NFL Season, MMP, old people
September 23rd, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Our country’s so poor right now that we can’t even afford a white president.
I’m going to have that crocheted onto a throw pillow.
September 23rd, 2009 at 12:33 pm
[i]It’s true that people get fired in Washington all the time, whether they’re doing their jobs or not.[/i]
If only this could apply to Dan Snyder.
September 23rd, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Whoops. Nice job with the italics, douchebag.
September 23rd, 2009 at 12:39 pm
This is way better than the God explains column of yesterseason. Good work, MMP.
September 23rd, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Bears quarterback Jay Cutler isn’t made of sugar
You sure about that?
September 23rd, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Jacksonville Jaguars? Don’t you mean United States Jaguars
September 23rd, 2009 at 12:42 pm
Don’t know if you guys know this, but that picture is of the man whose intelligence went missing in England two years ago.
September 23rd, 2009 at 12:42 pm
How do we know which end to stick into the socket?
When the time comes, Andy, you’ll know.
September 23rd, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Jay Cutler checks his sugar level by licking his arm.
September 23rd, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Wait, does Obama get paid less because he’s overly pigmented? Or does he get paid the same amount but he’s not allowed to complain and grumble for fear of looking uppity?
September 23rd, 2009 at 12:49 pm
@UU. He DID mean United States Jaguars.
To be fair, he did realize the Redskins were in DC and not the state of Washington.
September 23rd, 2009 at 12:50 pm
If we really wanted to be energy efficient, we’d all settle for candle wax stains in our carpeting.
That’s actually a good point.
September 23rd, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Why design the glass part of the bulb to look like the screw part of the bulb? How do we know which end to stick into the socket?
Ahh! This reminds me of my favorite KSK post. Punter’s minute by minute breakdown of earth hour than ends in a Pizza delivery crash and a guitar solo of “Louie Louie”
September 23rd, 2009 at 1:01 pm
“the first baseball players in America were made entirely of sugar”
I suppose that’s why the blacks weren’t allowed to play
September 23rd, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Our country’s so poor right now that we can’t even afford a white president.
I spit water all over my keyboard and monitor. That line was pure win and even better, I could actually HEAR Andy Rooney saying it.
// God, I hated 60 Minutes but my parents made me watch it …
// Got to watch the Muppets afterward so I guess it all worked out!
September 23rd, 2009 at 1:01 pm
I like how Kurt Warner’s outspoken love for Jesus is responsible for nobody watching the Jags. That cracked me up.
September 23rd, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Ryno, agreed. Punte’s earth hour post was a classic.
September 23rd, 2009 at 1:03 pm
What happened to God? Is He on vacation? Verily I say, Andy Rooney doesn’t cut the mustard. But why?? I’m going with, he’s older than God…he and Larry King. Father, Son and the Holy Ghost? No, my friends…’twas the Holy Triumverate of God, Larry King of Kings and Andy Rooney…
September 23rd, 2009 at 1:03 pm
God is now Andy Rooney? Makes sense to me. In fact, it explains everything.
September 23rd, 2009 at 1:05 pm
I think God and 60 minutes should alternate. Andy’s funny and all, but just doesnt have that same…commanding presence?
September 23rd, 2009 at 1:07 pm
“Our country’s so poor right now that we can’t even afford a white president.”
/spews cocaine-infused saliva on his computer monitor
September 23rd, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Why should I hire you when our black friend over there will do the job for less?
September 23rd, 2009 at 2:04 pm
God’s too busy this year?
September 23rd, 2009 at 2:38 pm
MMP: You, sir, define non-sequitur
/Still wishing I had something clever to say
September 23rd, 2009 at 2:47 pm
@n.o.
That’s the insidiousness of Andy Rooney. Every now and again, he says something that makes sense– then he brings the real crazy. It’s the verbal equivalent of a Ben Rothlisburger triple pump fake, right before he whips out the quadruple.
September 23rd, 2009 at 2:55 pm
That was drôle my good man, truly drôle. Those of us in the American Whig-Cliosophic Society will be conversing on said topics tonight over crumpets and tea (Earl Grey of course).
/Garrett’d
September 23rd, 2009 at 3:04 pm
This is much, much better than the God explanation from last year. Bravo, MMP.
September 23rd, 2009 at 3:05 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNAF1jHklNk
September 23rd, 2009 at 3:10 pm
This was full of win.
Peyton Manning can make all the hand signals he wants, but he can’t score a point if he can’t find the ball.
I wouldn’t be so sure about that. Pey-Pey practices hand signals without any balls at home.
September 23rd, 2009 at 3:11 pm
I miss God.
September 23rd, 2009 at 3:29 pm
I dunno. You all laugh, but there was just as much football insight there as in a typical Peter King column…Not to mention fewer irrelevant digressions.
September 23rd, 2009 at 4:19 pm
I liked the God column from last season as well, but Andy is holding his own so far. And it is a better read than PK. And I agree with everyone that the “country is so poor” line had me spitting on my keyboard…and I totally heard Andy saying it as well.
nice work
September 23rd, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Personally, I preferred the god columns.
But yes the Country is too poor to afford a white prez was priceless.
But yeah overall i still give god the edge.
I’d like to hear pacman explain the season.
September 23rd, 2009 at 4:54 pm
“Our country’s so poor right now that we can’t even afford a white president.”
To all humor writers, late-night hosts, stand-up comedians, and the rest of the ilk: You won’t write anything this funny about the recession, no matter how hard you try. On to something else now.
September 23rd, 2009 at 5:05 pm
Just so you guys no, Warner plays for the Jaguars, so “Andy” should have said that people don’t want to watch the Cardinals, but he is also correct that people don’t want to watch the Jaguars, and it’s because they suck, but why? Perhaps it’s because Marcedes Lewis is their leading receiver thus far,and because his name sounds like “Mercedes”, and Americans don’t want to support Gemans, for historical reasons, but why?…
September 23rd, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Not to be dick or anything—and “our country’s so poor right now we can’t even afford a white president” line IS the funniest thing I’ve ever read on this site—but are all of you REALLY spitting shit all over your keyboards and monitors?
September 23rd, 2009 at 5:17 pm
In my head, when I see Peter King, I hear Andy Rooney. Is it possible that PK is the bastard spawn of Andy Rooney?
September 23rd, 2009 at 5:31 pm
PK and Rooney in a conversation about coffee. That’s the hell waiting for me when I die if I don’t change my ways.
/Repents and mails check to James Dobson.
September 23rd, 2009 at 6:07 pm
WHAT’S WITH ALL THESE BLACKS IN SPORTS
September 23rd, 2009 at 6:36 pm
“Our country’s so poor right now that we can’t even afford a white president.”
Oh god, I pissed my pants.
September 23rd, 2009 at 6:37 pm
Not to be dick or anything—and “our country’s so poor right now we can’t even afford a white president” line IS the funniest thing I’ve ever read on this site—but are all of you REALLY spitting shit all over your keyboards and monitors?
If chewing tobacco counts, yes, I did.
September 23rd, 2009 at 7:18 pm
Is it bad that I heard this in Caliendo’s voice?
September 23rd, 2009 at 11:38 pm
but are all of you REALLY spitting shit all over your keyboards and monitors?
It’s possible, though like “LOL” and “ROTFLMAO”, I suspect that the actual incidence of such things is probably in a very low percentile. Something like 1% or less, in all likelihood.
Internet cliches are like that. By the way, I have a huge cock and I’m rich, and my wives are hot.
September 23rd, 2009 at 11:42 pm
I look forward to reading this in Rooney’s voice every week.
September 24th, 2009 at 8:26 am
The line about building the same house only bigger reminds me of the ending of “The Jerk”
September 24th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
It’s a great imitation of Rooney, but I hate that guy so much that it ruins the “Week X Explained” post.
/sulks