Andy Rooney Breaks Down Week 1 Of The NFL Season
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People say baseball is the American pastime. But what about football? More Americans watch football on Sundays than anything else on television. But baseball gets more viewers during the week. But that’s probably because football games aren’t played during the week. But there’s not much tackling in baseball. Or padding. It’s probably because of the summer heat, which is much hotter than winter heat, or even autumn heat.
Pittsburgh and Tennessee played on Thursday. One team is named after a city, and the other team is named after a state, but why? I don’t like teams being named after entire states, so I’m glad that the team named after a city won the game. Next year the NFL might name a team after the entire country. They’ll try to get everyone rooting for the United States Jaguars.
Donovan McNabb was hurt in his game on Sunday, but why? It was very common in the pre-industrial days for Negroes to fake injuries to get out work. The same thing happened to Juanita, my housekeeper. She’s Puerto Rican, but you get the idea.
Brandon Stokley caught a tipped pass and then ran all the way to the endzone. He tried to take more time by running parallel to the goaline for a while, but why? Why are the white players trying to make friends with certain parts of the field? I remember back in my Army days when I had a special courtship with a certain mailbox on 43rd and Broadway. I’ll always remember that mailbox. That was the second time my genitals got infected with tetanus. The nurses never seemed to mind the first time.
Seattle scored 28 points and shut out the St. Louis Rams. The Rams wear blue helmets with gold horns, but the horns used to be yellow. They changed the colors a few years ago, but why? I remember when the horns used to be white. It would be too dark on the helmet to make them black. The Vikings still have white horns on their helmets, but that’s probably because there aren’t any Negroes in Minnesota.
Drew Brees plays for the New Orleans Saints, and he threw six touchdowns against the Detroit Lions on Sunday. It wasn’t long ago when New Orleans was ravaged by a hurricane, and just recently people in Detroit lost their jobs when the job market crashed. None of this has anything to do with Drew Brees. I just think it’s interesting.
There were two games on Monday night this week, but why? Why not just have all the games on Monday night, and let people decide which games to watch. They could listen to the game on the phone if they wanted to. I remember when phones still had cords on them. You could swing the phone around on the cord all the time. It was a perfect device for getting the lady of the house back in line. But I couldn’t do that if I have to watch two football games on Monday night. There’s so little time for beating your wife during the week as it is. None of this has anything to do with football. I just think it’s interesting.
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September 16th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
/curmudgeon’d
September 16th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
I wasn’t expecting much, but “United States Jaguars” floored me. Good stuff.
September 16th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
How come they call it taking a dump and not leaving a dump? I mean after all, you’re not really taking it anywhere. Funk dat!
September 16th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Genius.
September 16th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
This makes me think that PK and Rooney are related in some way. I see this as PK future job, it has already begun with his “things I think I think”.
September 16th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
Yo, Andy I’m really happy for you and I’mma going to let you finish. But I just wanna tell you how I’m feeling, gotta make you understand, Morley Safer had the greatest rant of all time. OF ALL TIME!
September 16th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Amazing stuff.
September 16th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
I love that photo.
“Oh, hello there. I’ve just finished pleasuring myself to the exposed ankles in these ladies’ fashion magazines. Won’t you sit down and join me for a chat about how you can’t find good egg salad sandwiches at fast food restaurants anymore?
September 16th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Why are referees calling penaltys for hitting a QB? I remember when if a QB didn’t have a bone sticking out of his leg you weren’t doin your dam job, just playing patticake with the fat man opposite your position!
September 16th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
If Andy Rooney falls face first on the desk during 60 Minutes, and Kanye West doesn’t interrupt him, does Brett Favre retire/unretire again? It’s non sequitur, but it’s interesting.
September 16th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
I hope this isn’t supposed to supplant the “God Analyzes Week 1″ section. I want to know why he let the Ravens cover the spread on a junk TD.
/probably the only one dumb enough to think they wouldn’t
September 16th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
You know what else irritates me? The female orgasm. Since when do the gals have a right to the expectation of sexual satisfaction? You’re done when I’M done, lady.
September 16th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
“Why do they call it TAKING a dump when you’re not TAKING anything? Shouldn’t they call it LEAVING a dump?”
September 16th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Why did they stop using those leather helmets? In my day, it wasn’t a football game until someone was bleeding from the head, like Y.A. Tittle.
September 16th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Question: why is it whenever I turn on the radio, I hear the same 5 songs 15 times a day for 3 months? C’mon man! Funk Dat!
September 16th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
tet anus = lunar New Year ass?
happy ending then?
new mailbag question?
September 16th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Better than God.
/receives bus ticket to hell
September 16th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
Man – Andy Rooney is one racist motherfucker.
Also, great job MMP! You have his cadence down pat.
September 16th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
I like it! But I still want The Almighty’s take on Week 1. I am especially interested to know if Josh McDaniels did something special to deserve that win or if the smarmy little prick made the Belichick style deal with the other side.
/God, I’d love to punch Andy Rooney.
September 16th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Prick tetanus? Lockcock?
September 16th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
Ever notice how the team in Washington is the Redskins, but the President in Washington has black skin? And for that matter, many Redskins have black skin. I don’t know what it all means, I just think it’s interesting.
/stocking the basement for when his eyebrows become self-aware
September 16th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
2 “Negroes” drops in one post. awesome.
where’s the good lord’s take on the season?
September 16th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
Pete Campbell doesn’t understand why Admiral Televisions won’t market specifically to the Negro market. Admiral is still advertising in Minnesota where there are no Negroes and meanwhile the whites don’t even want to buy Admiral TVs.
/Mad Men
September 16th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Where’s God?
September 16th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
I miss Pac Man, Double J, and Ocho and Marvin already.
September 16th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
I too am waiting to hear from God. I want to know why he hates Buffalo and Cincinatti so much. On second thought I guess that’s kind of obvious. Never mind.
September 16th, 2009 at 5:38 pm
But why?
September 16th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
They would never be called just the “United States Jaguars” though.
They’d the “United States Jaguars, brought to you by Chevy. Chevy; An American Revolution. Go see your Chevy dealer today and be part of the horde that drives solely on the left lane, and always remember: Chevy- Left Lane.”
September 16th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
Where’s God?
There is no God.
September 16th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
Good stuff, Punté.
God has pretty much had his run as KSKharacter, I think. Only so many things you can do with God.
/theologically confused
September 16th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
Me Damnit, there an endless amount if Me Damned uses that I can do. Never for a Me Damned minute mistake a lack of an appearance for a lack of caring. I’m up to my Me Damned neck with paperwork after the Bills fucked up the silver lining gift I sent them. You ever had to give 50,000 returns at once from the Me-fearing peoples from Buffalo?
No, didn’t think so. Go pray to Allah or someone then fucktards. I’ll send a plague up Buffalo way.
September 16th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
I read all of this in Andy Rooney’s voice. Spot on.
September 16th, 2009 at 7:11 pm
“Every time I try to talk to somebody at KSK it’s ’sorry this’, ‘forgive me that’ and ‘I’m not worthy’. It’s like those miserable Psalms, they’re SO depressing. Now knock it off!”
-God
September 16th, 2009 at 7:12 pm
@ Punter
we know there is no God. but you guys do a great job of impersonating Him. i personally like to imagine God as one of the KSK staffers. I like to picture Him holding the little tiny 8 lb. 6 oz. baby Jesus on His lap as He types His articles and photoshops pictures of athletes. if He did exist that would be awesome. but of course everyone knows He doesn’t.
September 16th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
Which Living Masterpiece is KSK doing this year?
September 16th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
Rooney reminds me a infomercial.
September 16th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
of an
September 16th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
Forget teams that just use entire states for there names, what about the New England Patriots. Selfish pricks are supposed to be representing and entire REGION? What was wrong with Boston Patriots?
/lives in CT
//Giants fan
///18-1
September 16th, 2009 at 7:59 pm
we use to get the recap from the almighty god now andy rooney has successfully taken his spot amongst blogging. but why?
September 16th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
Puerto Ricans are half eggplant.
September 16th, 2009 at 8:09 pm
Puerto Rican? More like Puerto Potty, amiright?
September 16th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
well done sir.
September 16th, 2009 at 8:30 pm
Which Living Masterpiece is KSK doing this year?
Word on the street is they’re going to rock out some Hieronymous Bosch.
September 16th, 2009 at 9:12 pm
“…but that’s probably because there aren’t any Negroes in Minnesota.”
What about Prince and Kirby Puckett? /Rock’d
and so is this guy:
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2241251016
September 16th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
Forget about Brandon Stokely. Did anybody else notice Kyle Orton and Ben Roethlisberger are the same guy?
http://dubsism.wordpress.com/2009/09/16/kyle-orton-is-just-a-drunk-ben-roethlisberger/
September 17th, 2009 at 1:10 am
CIS, the admin of that page is Briana Drip Drop Johnson. I assume that because of the lack of quotes in the middle that Drip Drop is actually her name, and not a nickname bestowed on her by “friends” that don’t think she is “fat” or a “bitch”. I think Drip Drop is a great nickname for Jake Delhommeinvasion. But why? He is like a faucet dripping interceptions and dropping fumbles. What a crab-dicked rectumstick. This has nothing to do with real quarterbacks, I just think it’s interesting.
September 17th, 2009 at 4:17 am
“We can’t bust heads like we used to. But we have our ways. One trick is to tell stories that don’t go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville…”
September 17th, 2009 at 8:35 am
@ Gino Tourettsa
Fuck and yes.
September 17th, 2009 at 11:55 am
Isn’t it time for a Gay Zorro post?
September 18th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
“Why does the expression ‘Does a bear shit in the woods, substitute for the word, ‘yes?’ You say to your friend, ‘Did you go to the store? And instead of saying yes, they’ll say, ‘Does a bear shit in the woods? Bears don’t always shit in woods. Polar bears might shit on ice or in water. An overworked circus bear might shit his pants while riding a unicycle.”