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Look into those eyes long enough and you too will learn to love the Jets.

If you bet against my picks last week then you’re sitting pretty going into Week 2. And if you didn’t bet against my picks, I have to ask, why not? I tried to tell you, I’m f*cking terrible at this.

It’s so easy to be confident making picks on Friday morning. Everything looks so right that you may not stop to consider the possibility that the goddamn Patriots might actually wait until the LAST FUCKING MINUTES to stop playing with their dicks long enough to score some points.

So be forewarned, the more confident I seem, the more likely I am to be horribly mistaken. Even that delightful homosexual fellow at Deadspin waxed me like I was his chest hair. Choire was like the Andy Richter to my Wolf Blitzer.

That being said, this is the week that it all comes together! WOOOO, REDEMPTION!

On to the picks!

New York Jets +4 vs. New England

I’m all too eager to jump on the Jets bandwagon, especially after the Patriots fucked me out of my parlay last week. Is this a good rationale? No. But hell, Rex Ryan could be marching the French army into Russia this week and I’d still take the points.

Green Bay -9 vs. Cincinnati

Okay, I’m not going to bet on all of the teams that I feel dicked me out of money last week, but I can’t pass this one up. The Packers should cruise to 3-0 with easy wins over the Bengals and Rams before their huge Monday night clash with the Vikings, just as God Der Kommissar planned.

Washington -10 vs. St. Louis

Did you see my man JC driving the Redskins down the field in the meaningless waning minutes against the Giants? If that trend continues…Ayyyyy!

Pittsburgh -3 at Chicago

Oh God, I’ve almost certainly done something horribly wrong. This feels far too good to be true. It’s like Vegas is under the impression that the Steelers don’t have a running game. They’re fools! FOOLS, I TELLS YA!

Minnesota -10.5 at Detroit

Yeah, I’m never betting on the Lions again. Betting against them, now there’s an innovative strategy. I can’t wait to watch the Vikings build a 17-point fourth quarter lead. In fact, I can see it now…

Wait.

What’s Brett doing?

Is he calling an audible?

They’re going to pass!?

No Brett, don’t try to fit it in there.

THROW IT AWAY, YOU CORNPONE COCK WRANGLER!

[Pick 6]

Crap.

Enjoy the games, everybody.

This week, we’re holding the third annual KSK Kares Kharity Drive to support Matt Ufford’s participation in Fight Gone Bad, which raises money for the Wounded Warrior Project and Athletes for a Cure. Please donate at Ufford’s fundraising page.