Always Be Covering: On The Comeback Trail
If you bet against my picks last week then you’re sitting pretty going into Week 2. And if you didn’t bet against my picks, I have to ask, why not? I tried to tell you, I’m f*cking terrible at this.
It’s so easy to be confident making picks on Friday morning. Everything looks so right that you may not stop to consider the possibility that the goddamn Patriots might actually wait until the LAST FUCKING MINUTES to stop playing with their dicks long enough to score some points.
So be forewarned, the more confident I seem, the more likely I am to be horribly mistaken. Even that delightful homosexual fellow at Deadspin waxed me like I was his chest hair. Choire was like the Andy Richter to my Wolf Blitzer.
That being said, this is the week that it all comes together! WOOOO, REDEMPTION!
On to the picks!
New York Jets +4 vs. New England
I’m all too eager to jump on the Jets bandwagon, especially after the Patriots fucked me out of my parlay last week. Is this a good rationale? No. But hell, Rex Ryan could be marching the French army into Russia this week and I’d still take the points.
Green Bay -9 vs. Cincinnati
Okay, I’m not going to bet on all of the teams that I feel dicked me out of money last week, but I can’t pass this one up. The Packers should cruise to 3-0 with easy wins over the Bengals and Rams before their huge Monday night clash with the Vikings, just as God Der Kommissar planned.
Washington -10 vs. St. Louis
Did you see my man JC driving the Redskins down the field in the meaningless waning minutes against the Giants? If that trend continues…Ayyyyy!
Pittsburgh -3 at Chicago
Oh God, I’ve almost certainly done something horribly wrong. This feels far too good to be true. It’s like Vegas is under the impression that the Steelers don’t have a running game. They’re fools! FOOLS, I TELLS YA!
Minnesota -10.5 at Detroit
Yeah, I’m never betting on the Lions again. Betting against them, now there’s an innovative strategy. I can’t wait to watch the Vikings build a 17-point fourth quarter lead. In fact, I can see it now…
Wait.
What’s Brett doing?
Is he calling an audible?
They’re going to pass!?
No Brett, don’t try to fit it in there.
THROW IT AWAY, YOU CORNPONE COCK WRANGLER!
[Pick 6]
Crap.
Enjoy the games, everybody.
This week, we’re holding the third annual KSK Kares Kharity Drive to support Matt Ufford’s participation in Fight Gone Bad, which raises money for the Wounded Warrior Project and Athletes for a Cure. Please donate at Ufford’s fundraising page.
Tags: Always Be Covering, Gambling, gratuitous simpsons references, Riding the Jets bandwagon, Unsilent Majority
September 18th, 2009 at 11:37 am
I … I think I’m in love.
September 18th, 2009 at 11:39 am
What the fuck kinda name is Choire?
I don’t even know how to pronounce that shit…
September 18th, 2009 at 11:41 am
KSK commenters, I’m looking for FFB assistance as my email was to late for the mailbag. Steve Slaton vs. TEN scares me, and I have Knowshon Moreno, Michael Bush, and Laurence Maroney on my bench. Josh McD said Moreno is due to get more touches, his knee is reportedly 100% and he’s playing CLE. Bush is playing KC and got touches in the red zone last week. And who knows what the fuck Belicheck is gonna do with Maroney. I’m definitely going with Ryan Grant vs. CIN. I’ve been rotating Slaton, Moreno, and Bush in my 2nd RB spot the last couple days. I’m leaning towards Bush. Help and any inside knowledge would be appreciated.
September 18th, 2009 at 11:42 am
No Brett, don’t try to fit it in there.
I’ll take things Peter King has never said for $800.
September 18th, 2009 at 11:59 am
@big g – definitely a damned if you do, damned if you dont scenario. i wouldnt touch maroney, jets run-d looks legit, and if any RB scores for the Pats, it’ll probably be that asshole Faulk getting a TD on a screen pass. Slaton is your 1st/2nd round draft pick. you just cant over-think it and bench him. Plus, he actually played well against Tennessee last year, with haynesworth on that team. I’d go with Slaton.
/sorry if you lose based on this advice
September 18th, 2009 at 11:59 am
Slaton will bounce back. Too early in the season to bench a stud on one bad game.
September 18th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
Belichick will say, ‘Lawrence played hard. He’s a good player. He has a leg injury. That’s all I know.’
September 18th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
or ‘Laurence.’ shit. Me fail fandom.
September 18th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Too much covering
The picture I mean, not the picks
September 18th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
@big g – Slaton averaged 119.5 total yards in his games against Tennessee last season, and he’s the only one of your backs (aside from Grant) who’s guaranteed the lion’s share of his team’s carries. Start Slaton.
As for your sex question: Continuing to give Bush touches in the red zone should warm her up and…oh wait, wrong day.
September 18th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
That lass appears to be Meredith of the Jets Flight Crew.
Big G, go with Slaton. At least he’s guaranteed to get 20 touches. The other guys are all rb by c. Funk dat!
September 18th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
@Lil Wayne Chrebet and Ottoman
I was frightened by both last week’s performance and the TEN defense, and KC giving up 5 TDs last week made Michael Bush all the more enticing. I should’ve been aware of Slaton’s performance against TEN last year, since he was on my team. Thanks for talking sense into me, I’ll stick with Slaton.
September 18th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
+10 StuScottBooyahs
September 18th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Is this where we’re getting advice if you forgot to write in? Awesome.
So after his performance last week Percy Harvin’s my flex choice, leaving me with two questionable positions. I’m playing Larry Johnson (vs. Oakland) and Kellen Winslow (vs. Buffalo) over Leon Washington and Dustin Keller respectively (both against the fackin’ Patriots) – are those wise decisions?
September 18th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Holy shit. I’m a Jets fan. Who knew. Gotta go buy a Sanchez shirt. Wipe my dick with it.
September 18th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
I can’t believe Anwan Glover is coming here for fantasy advice.
September 18th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
My computer owned it last week – hit at 77.5%. New picks are up, for anyone that wants to follow along.
September 18th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
are those wise decisions?
I’m a Chiefs fan, and I wouldn’t start LJ if my life depended on it. All those dump passes that Fred Jackson ran through the Pats D? Those are going to Leon this week.
The TE decision is a toss-up. Given that I hate to double up on one offense (they can only score so much) and that the Bills D gave up two TDs to Watson last week, I’d go with Winslow.
September 18th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
I’d go with Keller over Winslow. Keller killed their linebackers last year and I expect a similar performance from him this week.
September 18th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
Keller is going to have a big year.
September 18th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
A. Bryant is doubtful so Winslow might get more looks against the Bills.
September 18th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
that is some sexy Friday. go jets.
September 18th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Last week I ignored the advice of the column and bet a parlay on the Packers and the Saints. I won $50, but my roommate then proceeded to spend my entire Bodog account losing at online poker. So I still got fucked. Moral of the story: take the advice of KSK or God will smite you (via your f’ing roommate).
September 18th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
Sexy Friday blows today. Anyone notice how the Eagles ditched Kendra Baskett in favor of Carmella Garcia? Well played, Jeffrey Lurie. Kendra was pregnant, had to go. Nobody wants to see pregnant hot chicks. Except those weirdos who like preggo porn.
/points finger at self
//has three kids
September 18th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
I may not love the Jets, but I’d love to ride their flightcrew…
September 18th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
@ Zach…. Nice Site, will follow to see what the computer predicts/happens
September 18th, 2009 at 7:35 pm
I’m jumping on the Vikes. Sometimes, there is a gimme game.
/Bets big in the Vikes
// Loses house and car
/// Enters rehab
September 19th, 2009 at 12:57 am
Since when does Rachel Ray like the Jets?
September 19th, 2009 at 8:02 am
Rodgers_neighborhood beat me to it. She looks like a younger, more attractive Rachel Ray. She makes my dough rise.
September 20th, 2009 at 1:18 am
holy smoke. I’m a straight chick and I think I’m in love, too.
September 20th, 2009 at 3:46 am
Moire ov dis grrl pleeze.