always be covering
Ah, that’s a sweet sight. Thanks to reader Randy for sending along a picture of his first legal NFL wager in the great state of Delaware. Good luck on that parlay, big spender!

The NFL is back, and by some miracle there’s actually a little bit of money sitting in my neglected Bodog account. So what the hell, let’s indulge in another season of impulsive gambling!

Now before we get to this week’s bets, a quick refresher…

I am not a particularly gifted gambler, and I’m okay with that. Do not come here looking for expert advice when it comes to picking games. You may notice that I don’t keep track of my betting record. In part that’s because I’m not the kind of asshole who wants to wow you with my acumen.

No, I’m a different kind of asshole entirely (I eat veal almost exclusively).

The other reason I don’t keep track of my record is because I don’t really give a shit, so I fail to see why anyone else would. I do this because it’s fun, and that’s it. Although that’s not to say that if I happen to have a particularly successful week I won’t gloat like an asshole (with a belly full of osso bucco), because I will. Shit, that’s half of the fun.

And now, on to the snap judgments!

Feisty Singles

ben gals

Cincinnati -4 vs. Denver

Taking the Bengals while giving more than a field goal takes a steady nerve and a pickled liver. Mostly I want to get in on the ground floor of the Denver implosion. Come on McD, don’t disappoint! I’m also legitimately excited to watch Chad Ochocinco beat Champ Bailey like a suspect in shackles.

Carolina +4 +3 vs. Philadelphia

Okay Jake, this is your chance to show everybody that you aren’t a total embarrassment. Philadelphia is going to be tough to handle this season, but it’s not all going to come together right away (especially defensively). Carolina should play them tight as long as Delhomme doesn’t gift them too many easy scores. In other words, I’m fucked.

Detroit +14 at New Orleans

And this is why you don’t make your picks after a few drinks. Hell, all it takes is a little bit of gin to make the Lions look like a cagey underdog. Who cares if they’re on the road against a team that beat them at home by five touchdowns last year? Who cares if they’re led by a rookie quarterback who has yet to show the ability to string together successive completions. THEY’RE SO DUE!

The Blowout Parlay

Baltimore -13 vs. Kansas City
New England -11 vs. Buffalo

Two veritable playoff locks take on two teams with awful offensive lines who just happened to have fired their respective offensive coordinators in the past two weeks. Oh yes, I like this quite a bit. As long as I don’t actually have to watch these two games. That’s right, the season barely fucking started and I’m already bitching about the quality of the games. Because I’m an asshole, you see.

The Forgotten Money Future

Defensive Rookie of the Year: Aaron Maybe 24/1

Hey, why the fuck not? Maybin showed up late to camp looking like he could be dominant pass rusher right out of the gate. The odds are too good to pass up, and I probably would have just spent that $20 on pretzels anyways.

And with that, my Bodog account is empty. Maybe I’ll get lucky and win some money this week. More likely I’ll have to re-up with a fresh new bankroll for the ’09 season this time next week.

Enjoy the first NFL Sunday of the year, and feel free to share your favorite picks for the weekend in the comment section. Oh and don’t forget to tell me I’m an idiot. That’s always fun.